A Letter to the IRS

Posted on by stilllearning2b
IRS building on Constitution Avenue in Washing...
IRS building on Constitution Avenue in Washington, D.C.. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I wrote before about my experiences with the Innocent Spouse relief program with the IRS.  I have now received refunds for all of the years in question (I cried when each check came in).  They have asked me to complete a survey about my experiences with the program.  I am also sending this letter to show them the more personal side of their impact.

March 25, 2012

Dave Alito

Director, Compliance

Wage and Investment Division

I received the request for completing a survey about my experiences with the Innocent Spouse claim procedure.  I will be happy to fill this out; however, I also wanted to write a letter expressing more fully my experience with the process.

First, a little background on my story: In 2009, my partner of 16 years abruptly abandoned me with a text message.  He took all of the financial documents with him, which prompted me to dig into internet resources (he changed the passwords on all of the accounts), which indicated that he had been hiding major financial deceptions.  He then went on to commit felony bigamy within a week of leaving me.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  I lost everything: my husband, my dogs, my money, my home in one small text.  I held out hope that the legal system would allow some sort of justice.  They did not.  In the criminal trial, he was granted a diversion and was never held to the criteria of the judgment.  In the divorce case, he was ordered to remove my name from the mortgage and pay me back for taxes, attorneys, and some other expenses.  That never happened and the courts offered no support.  I felt like I was twice victimized; once by my husband and again by the legal system.  It was a frustrating and powerless feeling.

When I filed for Innocent Spouse relief, I held no real hope.  I expected this to go the way of the courts.  The day that I received the first letter that my claim was accepted was a huge turning point for me.  I felt validated, and as though I had regained some control over my life.  For the first time in the entire experience, I felt as though he would have to face the consequences of his actions.

The money I was refunded has allowed me a little more cushion as I struggle to rebuild my financial well-being.  Even more importantly; however, are the emotional funds I received that have helped me to no longer be a victim.  I want to thank the people involved in my case who saw through to his deceptions and gave me hope for my future.

Maybe I should include the IRS in my Christmas letter list?  Oh, wait.  I never send Christmas cards…

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It is Official; I Am Insane

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Just in case you were on the fence about the integrity of my mental faculties, I will provide you with the evidence needed to convince you on which side you should fall.

Don’t let all my talk of meditation fool you; I rarely sit still. Today, I just had to go for a run. It is beautiful outside and the dog was just begging me to take him out. Okay, well actually he was passed out on the couch, but I’m sure he was begging me in his dreams. Now this wasn’t just any run. This was a 3 1/2 mile loop around the neighborhood. A VERY hilly neighborhood.

Run accomplished, I quickly rehydrated. I read about a kettlebell move to use with the Tabata protocol at 3:00 am this morning when I couldn’t sleep. Of course, I had to try it . Today. Immediately following the run.

Now, a brief interlude here for those of you not familiar with the particular brand of torture that is Tabata. You pick a full-body move that is easy to start and stop (I usually do the elliptical). You go all-out for 20 seconds and rest for 10. This cycle is repeated 8 times for a total of 4 minutes. Go ahead, laugh. I did too. Then I tried it and couldn’t move for 10 minutes. Normally, on days I do Tabata, I don’t do much of anything else too active.

Three commonly used kettlebells (Dragon Door B...
Three commonly used kettlebells (Dragon Door Brand) of various sizes - photographed in Florida, crummy background removed. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not today. So, I did squat thrusts with two 15 lb kettlebells with the Tabata protocol. I collapsed 3 seconds before the end of the final round. Breath heaving. Legs screaming. Shoulders burning. Glancing up, the heavy bag hanging in the corner caught my eye.

tentatively, I lifted an arm. Then the other. Yup, they still worked. Grasping onto a nearby chair, I hoisted my body into an upright position. I could still stand. I hobbled over to the nearby shelf, tugged the punching gloves onto my shaking hands and made my way to the bag.

And proceeded to do another 15 minutes of bag work.

And now (post-shower, of course) I’m off to a 3 year old’s birthday party.

Yup, insane.

Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
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Divorce And The Road To Recovery | First Wives World

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It does get better.  Meanwhile, live in the moments.

Divorce And The Road To Recovery | First Wives World.

Extend a Hand

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Grasping
Grasping (Photo credit: Giant Ginkgo)

In those first few days and weeks of sudden singlehood, I was angry.  I wanted to curse his name in a thousand languages, yet I knew only one.  I wanted to create effigies of him and burn them, but our county had posted a burn ban that summer.  I wanted to use his mug shot for target practice, but I owned no range weapons.

Bow and Arrows
Bow and Arrows (Photo credit: JennicaLyons)

I realized soon enough that this mindset would not help me in the long run.  I turned to the internet, looking for inspiration from people who had been there.  Guides through the hellish journey of the end of a marriage.

I was disappointed in what I found.  The vast majority of sites were populated with people who were in the early stages.  Filled with vitriol and anger, spewing forth their rage across the web.  I get it.  You cannot heal until you release the pus that poisons the wound.  But I wanted to hear from people who had started to scab over.  I wanted to know what to expect when the scab fell off.  Or how to keep it from becoming infected.  Even better, I wanted to know what the scars of divorce would look like and how to help them fade.

Day 121: Scarred
Day 121: Scarred (Photo credit: Sarah Mae)

What I found was that people stopped sharing, stopped talking, once their own journey was set and they were out of the overwhelming darkness and confusion that dominates the early stages.  That is a shame, for there is much to be learned from those who have traveled the long road and know all its markers.

The most powerful images I have from Tough Mudder is the spontaneous creation of human chains, as people (strangers in most cases), who were just slightly further along on an obstacle, extended a hand to the person behind them.  This linkage allowed all to successfully navigate an obstacle that would have been insurmountable alone.

Those of us who are just a little further along on our journey through divorce and trauma can help others by extending a hand.

 

Taming the Monkey Mind: Days 8 & 9

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Don’t worry, the monkeys didn’t get me.  Not that they didn’t try…

Thursday was one of those days.  If I hadn’t made a public commitment to meditate for 28 consecutive days, I am afraid that Thursday would have marked the end of my streak.

I have pretty much established the routine of meditating for around 20 minutes in the morning before work.  Thursday’s schedule was off because my boyfriend was out of town, which leaves me with morning dog care.  I elected to not get up earlier (5:00 am is early enough on the day I teach two extra classes) and to meditate after work.  When I came home that afternoon to find my boyfriend’s car unexpectedly in the garage, my first thought was, “Yeah, he’s home,” followed by, “I need to make sure I don’t neglect meditation tonight.”  He and I do not get much evening time together between his martial arts and work schedules and my inflexible teaching hours.  That time we do have is precious, and I want to take advantage of it.

So, here’s how Thursday night went down.  After a warm greeting, small snack, and quick chat, I went to change into workout clothes.  I had already decided to run 3 miles that day along with 10 100-yard sprints, so I headed to the park to make it happen.  The running went well and allowed me to discharge the yuck from the day (Thursday’s are especially yucky, thus the intensity of the sprints was needed).

Then, a short drive home was followed by a second snack (dinner in 3 stages), and a shower.  My boyfriend was interested in trying (together) an 8:00 pm yoga class at our gym, which left me with about 30 minutes to myself before we would have to leave.  Now, at this point in the day, I had literally only sat to drive to and from work and to ingest food.  I had spent my day meeting the needs of others, which the exception of the run.  I was exhausted, physically and mentally.  All I really wanted to do was collapse and read for those 30 minutes.  But, I had made a commitment.

It was not a successful meditation as far as my mental focus was concerned.  But it was still a success for me.  First, I didn’t neglect the practice on a day when it would have been so easy to do just that.  Secondly, I noticed that, even though my mind was frenetic, my breathing was deep, even, and calm.  That is major progress.

We enjoyed the yoga class, and I even managed to sneak in a mini meditation during chavasana, with was made especially nice by the instructor’s expert classical guitar playing.

A small monkey. Singapore.
A small monkey. Singapore. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On Friday, I was back into the groove of my morning practice.  Or so I thought.  I used a guided meditation podcast that I had downloaded a few days prior.  I failed to notice that the playback speed was set to 2x.  Now that makes for an interesting meditation.  I guess it is one way to fit in it to a hectic schedule, but I must say, I wouldn’t recommend it.

So, the lessons from days 8 & 9: commit even when the practice isn’t perfect, meditation changes your breathing even when your mind isn’t aware of it, and check the playback speed before getting your om on.

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