The Ex Purge: How to Break Up in the Digital Age

Posted on by stilllearning2b

From the moment I came home to my husband’s cleaned-out office and a typed letter on the kitchen island, I became a certified professional level cyber stalker. I used Google Earth to get a bird’s eye view of the home he was staying in with his other wife. I learned her school and employment history. I discovered where she grew up and I even found her sister’s name. I compulsively read her blog, where I found pictures of her and mentions of my, I mean our, husband. I even had to endure a description of them showering with monkeys on a trip to Uganda shortly before the court date for the divorce. As I read about their seemingly happy travels, I couldn’t help but wish they encountered monkeys throwing poo.

Fifty years ago, if a spouse disappeared, they disappeared. There were no options for information short of hiring a private investigator. But today, we can all be P.I.s with nothing more than a phone. It’s a bit scary when so much information is available so easily.

I was obsessed. Driven. Once I started looking, I couldn’t stop. Each new image or tidbit of information made me feel ill.

But the sad part? The part that kept me going? It also gave me a thrill. Not in a good way, but in an addiction-feeding way. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch. Chasing the dragon of information into a rabbit’s hole of social media. With each click, I felt worse and yet somehow I expected the next click to make me feel better.

But it never did.

Instead, all it did was drive my addiction for information.

I felt like I needed to know what he was doing and where he was. Part of it was learning to let go of him; for 16 years, I always knew (or at least thought I knew) where he was. It took time to adjust to no longer needing to know about his life. Part of it was driven by the divorce process; evidence of his whereabouts and activities were fed to the lawyers to bolster the case and refute his outrageous claims. And part of it was that I hoping to find some sign that he was not happy. That he regretted his decision. I wanted some sign that he missed me.

And I never did.

I knew that this obsession wasn’t healthy. I could feel the itch growing stronger with each scratch, worrying the wounds open and allowing them to fester. In the weeks leading up to court date, the behavior grew along with my anxiety about the possibility of seeing him again and of the outcome of the court’s decisions. I was consumed and it was eating me alive.

So I decided to fight back. I set a date – March 12, the day after the court appearance – as the last time I would ever look for information on him again. On that morning, still riding high from the relief of the conclusion of the legal process, I checked the wife’s blog one more time. She didn’t mention her husband’s divorce. I wasn’t surprised. I closed the window, cleared the search memory on my computer and packed away all of the papers around my desk that held the results of my searches. It felt a little scary, cutting that last tie. But I felt in control again.

I was done; I would never look again.

And I stuck to it, resisting the urge even when I learned information from a television producer that made it sound as though he had new charges pending. I didn’t dig when Jeff Probst informed me about the felony warrant. And I didn’t even think about talking to Google when I saw him two years ago at a local festival.

It was a complete and total ban. A self-imposed safe-search filter that has no work-around.

Want to institute a similar ban yourself? Here are some suggestions:

Be Firm

This is no time for moderation. Facebook posts are not like food; you can survive without them. This is all or none. Commit to none.

Put It In Writing

Write down your conviction. It helps to make it more real and makes it a little more difficult for your brain to try to justify “just one click.” In the beginning, make sure a written version of your ban is visible. You can even change your wallpaper on your devices to a reminder to stay safely away from that rabbit hole.

Dig Into the Why

Explore, preferably in writing, why you feel the need to view these pictures and read this information. What do you gain from it? How does it make you feel?

Enlist Others

It’s difficult not to turn to your preferred search engine when you hear a tantalizing piece of gossip from somebody about your ex. So, ask them to help you stay clean. Explain what you’re doing (and maybe add a dash of why you’re doing it) and request that they not pass along any information to you.

Watch the Precursors

Be mindful of the times and/or situations that make you more prone to initiating a search. Is it when you’re lonely? Bored? Facing an anniversary? Prepare a change of venue or activity ahead of time that can be implemented during those dangerous times. For example, I knew that I was more inclined to look when I was feeling anxious. So, I would go for a run (sans phone) whenever my nerves were singing.

Understand the Limitations

Social media is a Photoshopped version of real life. You’re seeing what people want you to see; not the reality of the totality of their lives. When you are concluding that your ex is over the moon because of a particularly sappy photo, you’re doing the same thing as a teenage girl comparing herself to an edited supermodel. It’s not real. Don’t spend your days contrasting your real life with a fantasy.

Verbalize Your Urges

When you feel the urge to look, say it out loud. Yes, you’ll feel silly. That’s partly the point. When you verbalize your drive, you are pulling it into your conscious mind where you have more control over what you do with it.

Remove the Triggers

Clear your history. Unfriend as needed. Remove associated reminders from your surroundings. Do everything you can to avoid seeing anything that opens that door.

Plan Alternatives

Sometimes the drive to look becomes so powerful that it demands action. So have an alternative lined up. What will you do when the pull becomes too great to resist?

Use Technology

There are countless apps and programs that deny you access to your social media accounts for a set period of time. These can be useful when you’re feeling particularly vulnerable.

Create a Virtual Hug

Surround yourself with images from your life that make you feel happy and hopeful.

Prepare for Slip-Ups

You may fall off the wagon. That’s okay. Plan ahead to make sure you don’t stay off. If you start looking, set a timer. When it goes off, you’re done. After a cyber-stalking binge, go on a technology diet, restricting your access until you feel at peace again. Have a “sponsor” at the ready, a friend who knows of your plan and is supportive. Reach out when you need to borrow somebody else’s will power.

Like with anything, removing your ex from your digital life becomes easier with time. And as the urges fade, it’s replaced with peace. You no longer what he or she is up to. And you no longer care.

Because you’re too busy creating your life.

Related: What Happens to the Ones Who Leave?

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7 Reasons Discovering Your Ex is Getting Married is the Worst (and 7 Reasons It’s Not)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
ex married

So you’re ex is getting married…

At some point, most people who have been through a divorce or major break-up discover that their ex is getting married (or recently wed). Whether the news comes via an innocuous Facebook share or through a wedding invitation in the mail, the information is likely a shock. You may find that you are surprised at the depth of your reaction. You rationalize that you shouldn’t care. But your heart isn’t listening.

You’re not crazy. And you’re not overreacting.

But you also don’t have to allow the news to derail you. At least not for long.

Here are 7 reasons that the news of your ex’s nuptials are hitting you hard. And 7 reasons that it’s not so bad.

It’s Really and Truly Over

You already knew it was over. Now you KNOW it’s over. In some deep, dark recesses of your mind, you may have been harboring dreams of reuniting and returning to the halcyon days. And those “I dos” act as a big, “I don’t” to any chances of rekindling your romance. It’s painful to face the finality of a relationship. Your ex getting married is the divorce equivalent of pulling the plug. There’s no going back.

However… This is really just perception. It was over before. The new marriage is separate from the end of your marriage. Don’t try to muddle them.

The Shock Stings

Even if you knew your ex was dating, the news of a wedding may come as a shock. And shock hurts worse because of the surprise. You’ve had time to process the end. You’ve been able to adapt to your life’s changes. And now this. At first, it may feel as though you’re back to square one as you struggle to come to terms with the new information.

However… shock fades. The surprise only lasts so long and once you have time to process this new information, its impact will lessen.

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I’ve Been Replaced

The feeling of replacement is especially acute if the new spouse moved in to your ex’s life before the marriage ended. It’s so easy to become depressed over the feeling that he or she had some magic something that you did not. It’s hard not to compare and, in doing so, sell yourself short.

However… Remember that different does not mean better. Maybe the new partner has lower expectations of a spouse and will put up with behaviors that are unacceptable to you. Perhaps you were traded in for a younger model who will also be traded in when the body begins to sag. Worry less about the replacement and more about you. Besides, we all know original Coke was far superior to the new formula:)

Continue to read the rest.

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How to Create Lasting Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Transformation requires change both in thoughts and in actions. And change is difficult to initiate and often even more difficult to sustain. The following are some tips and suggestions for creating lasting change in any area of your life:

  • Make your goals specific, actionable and measurable. For example, saying. “I want to be happier,” is vague and impossible to measure. If your goal is be happier, begin by breaking that down into smaller pieces. Perhaps part of being happy for you is to spend social time with friends, specifically having at least two hours a week of adult friend contact. That is now something you can recognize and word towards.
  • Focus on your most important goals. A shotgun approach rarely works; select one to three areas to focus on at a time. Once a goal is attained or becomes obsolete, replace it with a new intention.
  • Visualize success. What will you feel like when you have attained your goal? Look like? See yourself reaching your intentions and paint every detail in your mind.
  • Be realistic. If you hate fish, don’t set a goal of eating salmon at least once a week. If you are afraid of public speaking, don’t make your first goal a TEDtalk. Start where you are and use what you have.
  • Write your goals down. Writing down your goals helps in two ways: First, it helps you clarify exactly what you are working towards. Secondly, if you post your goals in a prominent location, it serves as a reminder of what you want to achieve.
  • Track your progress. When progress is incremental, it can be difficult to gain perspective on how far you have come. And, when you don’t have a sense of the bigger picture, small setbacks can be very discouraging. Find a way to record your progress. This can be as simple as re-reading earlier journal entries to see how your perspective has changed or it can take the form of measureable data. The “how” isn’t important; the acknowledgement of overall progress is.
  • Tell somebody. Most people feel more accountable when others know of their intentions. If you are the only aware of your goal to run a 5K in eight weeks, it’s pretty easy to skip your training runs and retire to the sofa. If, however, your friends and family know of your goal, you’ll be more encouraged to make sure you don’t end up backing out of the race. If you don’t want to involve your social group in your goals, you can start an anonymous blog or Twitter account. Even if you have few readers, just the act of making your intentions public creates accountability.
  • Join a group. When you’re surround by like-minded people that are trying to achieve a similar change, it makes it easier to make those changes and make them stick.
  • Utilize technology. Put goals and plans on your calendar. Set reminders and alerts. Change your home screen to a reminder of your goals. Download an app that helps you implement or track your goals. It’s easy to neglect your own well-being while you’re taking care of others. Make sure you clamor for own attention too.
  • Tie new habits with established ones. If you already brush your teeth each day and you want to start a daily meditation practice, make a habit of meditating every day after you brush your teeth. It’s easier to start something new when it’s paired with something familiar.
  • Pair a desired action with something desirable. Want to go to the gym every morning? Splurge on your favorite shower gel and keep it in your gym bag to be used after that early workout. Need an incentive to journal every week? Head to your favorite coffee shop to get your writing done. No journaling, no coffee shop.
  • Create a challenge. If you are competitive by nature and you enjoy making a game out of things, join a challenge group or create your own contest. One way to do this is through a streak where you have to complete a certain activity for a specified amount of time for a certain number of consecutive days. For example, you may challenge yourself to walk at least a mile every day for a month. You can also ramp up the challenge – a mile a day at the beginning that slowly increases to three miles a day at the end. If you miss a day, the challenge starts over. That’s a great incentive to stick with it!

Coloring Inside the Lines

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Modern life has few boundaries.

The mountains and oceans that used to hem us in through their pure geographic monstrosity can now be crossed with a few hundred dollars and a few hours to spare. Friendships and even romances can be cultivated around the world through Skype and Google Translate. A burgeoning author no longer needs connections or a kiss from fate when Amazon is ready to publish the book for nothing more than a promise of a share of the riches. College courses stream through our phones, bringing advanced knowledge to anyone who is willing to put forth the effort. The “glass ceiling” may still exist, but so do plenty of ways to break through. A lack of funds is no longer reason to avoid chasing your dreams; simply create a Kickstarter campaign and let the public fund you.

There are few firm limits imposed upon us. We live in a world that is overflowing with possibilities. It’s the life equivalent of a mile-long cereal aisle at the grocery store, overwhelming us with the available options that surpass our known interests. It can be paralyzing, because selecting one means eschewing all others. Ironically, too much choice often leads to no choice at all because we are paralyzed by possibility.

Boundaries create comfort.

I spend my days with teenagers, a group that is constantly fighting against the boundaries placed upon them. In my first year of teaching, I found opportunities to give them tasks with no boundaries. Almost without fail, the lessons failed. Presented with no limits, rather than exploring, they simply froze, their pencils held high above their blank white pages. Through trial and error, I learned how to craft assignments with enclosures large enough to allow some freedom yet small enough to provide some constraint. I constructed boundaries that were firm, yet flexible for those that needed more freedom. And they responded by taking pencil to paper, the guidelines urging them forward.

One of the reasons that life after divorce is so overwhelming is that the boundaries have been removed. Your life has gone from a coloring page where you were filling in the existing shapes to the petrifying possibilities of a clean sheet of white paper.

Start by setting your boundaries, sketching out the guidelines that you want to operate within. Make them firm small enough to push you forward, yet flexible enough to allow you to change course. The more overwhelmed you are, the more rules you need. It’s comfortable to color inside the lines. And then, once you have found your footing once again, let the color fill your life. Lines be damned.

Live the Life You Have, Not the Life You Lost

Posted on by stilllearning2b
live the life

Live the life you have, not the life you lost.

I recently re-watched the movie Stand By Me for the first time in many years. As with every exposure to one of Stephen King’s masterpieces, I was again struck by the particular insight the author has into the expanding and mysterious world of a child. As with all of my previous encounters with the story (either in book or movie form), I was drawn to the character of Gordie. He is the quieter, more introspective one of the group. He observes. He analyzes. He is both in the moment and aware of the bigger picture.

And he is also invisible.

We learn that his older brother, one of those “shining” boys that attracts the adoration of all, was killed the previous year in a car accident. The grocer doesn’t see Gordie, he only sees the brother of the one who was taken too soon. Even his parents barely acknowledge their surviving child, protecting the older brother’s shrine of a room over the needs of Gordie. We see them going through the motions of life without purpose. Nurturing the one who is gone while neglecting the one who is left.

They are living the life they lost, not the life they have.

It’s easy to do. When the loss is acute, it demands attention. It insists that it be the primary focus of every day and every breath. And in healthy grieving, the loss never fades completely, yet it no longer occupies the front seat, displacing everything else.

But sometimes grief becomes stuck. And the loss remains the number one, relegating the ones who remain to a place of invisibility and inattention.

Nurturing what was instead of what is.

It’s hard to change the future. But it’s even harder to change the past.

Live the life you have, not the life you lost.