Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s one of the most common questions we all share.

And one of the hardest to answer.

“Am I doing the right thing?”

This query may be about a parenting decision, a choice at work or about the status of a relationship. It can be a major life decision, a switch that changes the entire track of your life. Or, it may be a passing matter of minor importance.

The question seeks reassurance, a guarantee of sorts that if a particular path is chosen and the steps are taken, the desired outcome will eventually be reached.

But of course, life offers us no such promises, provides no warranties. Instead, we are tasked with trying to make the best decisions possible with limited resources and incomplete information.

So how in the real world do you know if you’re doing the right thing?

It Just Feels Right

When you’re doing the right thing, it will resonate with you. The right thing is not something that brings forth feelings of shame or guilt. Pay attention if you experience feelings that you need to hide your actions; that’s a sure sign that something isn’t right. The right thing may click into place suddenly or it may grow slowly until you experience more certainty. Either way, your intuition will tell you when you’re doing the right thing.

Yet the right thing is not a perfect choice. A singular selection that makes everything better. At some point, you have to release the notion of perfect and simply do the best you can.

It’s Not Coming From a Place of Fear or Anger

Sometimes fear tells us that something is right in an effort to avoid confrontation or discomfort. Similarly, anger can maintain a convincing argument for a particular course of action by creating a sense that you are responsible for doling out punishments. But the right thing comes from a quiet and sure mind. The right thing may call for consequence, but it does not come from a place of vengeance. The right thing may require distance, but it is because of a fear of approach.

Do not expect appreciation or even understanding from others even when you’re doing the right thing. If they have become accustomed to your enabling, they will certainly rebel. If you’re refusing to shield someone from consequence, they will place blame. Just as the response does not make something wrong, it also cannot alone tell you that it’s right.

It is in Alignment With Your Purpose and Goals

Something can be good and still not be the right thing for you if it does not match up with your bigger picture. Be honest with yourself and stay true to your goals. Make sure that your actions align with your intentions.

Let go of any expectation for immediate change. The right thing can take time. And even then, what you hope for may never happen. Trust in the process and release the result.

It is Reality-Based and Accepts Your Locus of Control

The right thing is rooted in reality, anchored firmly in the soil and accepting of its limited reach. The right thing is limited to what you can control and is accepting of that responsibility.

The right thing is not helping someone so much that they can no longer help themselves. The right thing is not seeking to change another or asserting that you know what is right for somebody else. The right thing is not wishful thinking, coming from a place of make believe and blind hope.

The right thing may not be easy. You may find that others prefer to live in a land of fantasy. Doing the right thing can be lonely, isolating.

Yet it’s also empowering. Because when you are doing the right thing, you have nothing to hide. From others. And especially from yourself.

 

You Don’t Know What You Carry Until It’s Gone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Today is a good day.

No, today is a GREAT day.

This marks the first weekend I’ve had since the start of the school year (8 very long months ago) that I didn’t bring home at least a day’s worth of work to do.

Not only that, but all my kiddos tested on their final units last week. So with only review, testing and preview on the horizon, I can finally collapse relax.

And it feels amazing.

I have an old 16 GB iPhone 5 that’s been limping alongside this school year. I’ve had to dutifully and constantly delete files in order to make room for the demands of the app upgrades and system updates. All year, it’s been a constant battle between its needs and its limitations.

I made a difficult decision last week and deleted Pandora from its memory, freeing up enough space for normal operation.

Today, I feel like my phone. I’ve been able to delete the memory-guzzling planning and lesson preparation app from my brain, leaving enough space for normal operation.

Alongside, the fear that I’ve carried about screwing up this inaugural math program and irrevocably damaging young math minds has faded. By all accounts, it’s been a successful year.

And so now, even though we still have 8 more weeks remaining, I feel like I’m on vacation.

It’s amazing, our ability to shoulder heavier and heavier loads without collapse. And it’s often only once we release the weight that we are aware of how much weight we carry.

So today, I’m breathing easier. Appreciating the sunshine. And so incredibly grateful for the opportunites presented to me this year. And even more grateful to have survived.

To all those carrying heavy loads today, may you find a place to set it down for moment and take a rest.

Growing Older, Growing Wiser…IF You Keep This in Mind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you noticed that some people seem to find their inner zen and worldly wisdom as they age while others only seem to settle into negativity and bitterness?

Have you ever wondered why that is?

As we get older, there are two opposing forces that can impact our general happiness and outlook. Two divergent agencies both raising their voices to be heard.

Which one will you listen to?

The Voice of Life Lost

When I look around me, I see some people who have made it beyond middle age without suffering any major setbacks or losses. But only a few. I’m convinced that wrinkles are only partially due to thinning collagen and the relentless pull of gravity. I think wrinkles are the visible signs of the emotional scars we carry in ever-increasing numbers.

And as those hurts and losses begin to compound, it’s easy to become buried. Become embittered. It may seem that there is more lost than has ever been gained and the thought of trying again feels insurmountable. With so many difficult life experiences, everything can become tainted, turning the once-innocuous into a potential trigger.

Some people let this toxicity build like an algal bloom on a once-clear lake, blocking out all of the light and choking out all of the life. Their lives become a tally of what has happened and how they’ve been targeted by misfortune.

As they grow older, they become more agitated, more pessimistic and often as a result, more alone.

The Voice of Life Lived

And then there are those who listen to the other voice. These souls are no more fortunate, no less likely to have experienced hardship. They simply hear a different message.

They look back at their long lives with its many struggles with the gift of perspective. Perhaps they are able to see how something that was devastating at the time became a gift, even though it was unwanted and a great price, after the passage of the seasons. They view their myriad losses at part of the signs of a life spent giving and loving rather than focusing on what is no longer present.

Instead of questioning why things happened to them, they are able to look back with a sense of quiet pride that they made it through so many trials. And that confidence gives them the optimism that they’ll make it through the next one as well. With time and practice, coping skills and strategies have been perfected and practiced, using the difficult times as opportunities to become better.

Instead of focusing on what they don’t have with bitterness, they view what they do have with gratitude.

Thankful for every moment and every breath.

We all have both voices speaking to us, the proverbial devil and angel perched upon our shoulders. Which voice will you listen to – the one who counsels misery or the one that brings you inner peace and wisdom?

 

 

Why It’s Important to Listen to Those You Disagree With

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My morning newsfeed consists of selected story types from selected publications. I then listen to one of my chosen radio stations in my car on my way to work and, if I don’t like what they’re saying, I have the option to switch to a prerecorded podcast on the topic (and perspective) of my choosing. If I decide I want more information about a breaking story, I can select the channel or website I visit to learn more, giving priority to those that align with my view. On Facebook and Twitter, I can elect to block messages from people whose perspective varies too much from my own or to simply select friends with common viewpoints.

The current media environment is in many ways wonderful. You no longer need a journalism degree or a famous last name to have your voice heard. The interactive nature allows for dialog and discussion instead of a one-way torrent of information. And the broad nature of information gathering prevents only one perspective from being gathered.

However, there is a downside to modern media. Because we have so much choice, we tend to choose voices that agree with what we have already decided to be true. And although it feels good to be validated, there is true value in listening to those you disagree with.

We develop empathy not from occupying on our shoes, but from trying on the shoes of others. When you essentially hear your own story being told time and time again, you fail to see things from another perspective. To try on another viewpoint. It’s easy to say something or somebody is “wrong” when viewed from a distant and macro perspective, but once a human face and story has been associated with it, you begin to feel more empathy for their situation, even if you still do not agree.

We develop our own ethics and beliefs not in isolation, but by considering all sides of a thing. It’s easy to conclude that a cube is green if you only view one side. Yet, once you see all sides and their hues, you then have to provide a convincing argument if you want to claim that the cube is green. Listening to opposition takes courage; you find your own ideas threatened. Yet, whatever conclusion you reach will be better and more solid for the discourse.

Listening to one side promotes “us vs them” thinking along arbitrary lines. It’s natural to classify something unfamiliar as a threat; we have evolved to see danger in strangeness. However, when we limit our surrounding only to what is comfortable, we risk viewing people as “them” when the reality is that they are really on the same side of a bigger issue, just maybe seeing it a different way. When we invite them to talk and we open ourselves to listen, we often discover similarities and realize that it’s more, “us vs something else.”

Minds are like a muscle, if we don’t use them, they become weak and inflexible. Listening to something you agree with does not challenge your brain whereas, trying to process and assimilate new information asks your brain to step it up. Look at it as the difference between practicing addition and learning to perform calculus. It’s easier to stay closed, but more rewarding to do the work to create an opening and questioning mind.

When you engage respectfully with people you disagree with, you learn to regulate your emotional response. I’m all for sensitivity, but I’m also for personal responsibility. It’s your job to learn to hear things you may find offensive or short-sighted and keep your emotional response in check. I’m not saying you can’t disagree, but I’m also saying you can’t expect others to tiptoe around your beliefs.

Listening to other viewpoints keeps your ego in check. You’re not right about everything. Nobody is. Yet if you live in an echo chamber of beliefs, you can start to believe that your perspective is somehow the “right” one and the other people are simply idiots for feeling the way they do. Be brave enough to question and even revise your own conclusions.

When you listen to people who disagree with you, you begin to develop an appreciation for our differences and you gain tolerance for those who have different beliefs. Even though I don’t understand how some people think, I’m glad we don’t all think the same. The world and our place in it is much richer for our differences.

My challenge for you today – listen to one station or podcast, watch one show or read one article that comes from a perspective different than your own. Rather than approach from a mindset of proving yourself right, undertake the exercise with a curious mind – “What can I learn today by listening to somebody who doesn’t agree with me?”

How Yoga Can Help You Through Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I rarely give the advice that people should do a certain thing. After all, we are all different with unique needs and situations.

But today I’m making an exception.

Because this one thing is really that transformative.

If you give it a chance.

Before I explain all of the reasons why yoga will improve your life, I’m going to first dispel some of the myths I frequently hear:

Yoga is not something you have to be flexible to do. In a purely physical sense, yoga is something you do to become flexible. A good teacher can work with you no matter your body type or limitations.

Yoga is not only physical exercise. Yoga is as much in the mind as in the body. In fact, it’s about connecting mind and body. Yes, you get a tight booty but even more importantly, you’ll get a balanced mind.

Yoga is not about wearing the latest tight yoga pants (although you certainly can) or rocking the latest lululemon mat. It’s about connecting breath and movement and as long as your bits are covered, nobody really cares what you’re wearing.

Yoga is not about being trendy. That is IF you find the right studio. Take the time to find the space and the people that fit your needs. Yoga is about connecting with yourself on the mat and experiencing the energy of the group.

Yoga is not one size fits all. You can find everything from super-intense and fast-pasted hot classes to yin classes that often find people falling asleep.

Yoga is not always spiritual. But it can be. Again, look for what meets your needs. Most classes will have some sort of centering and intention-setting at the beginning and some sort of guided meditation/ reading at the end.

Yoga is not necessarily expensive. You can find it taught in churches, community centers and the YMCA. Many communities even offer free classes. And even though it’s not the same as a live class, there are even free videos on YouTube.

Yoga is not just for women. Or skinny people. Or young people. Or [fill in the blank] people.

Do you have a body? Do you have a mind?

Then yoga is for you:)

With me so far? Cool. Now, here’s why yoga is so incredibly powerful for those going through divorce:

Are you feeling sad?

The movement of yoga releases endorphins that help to improve your mood. I recommend a moderate to fast paced movement class (usually called vinyasa) here because it helps to get you out of your head and the pace challenges the body some. If you’re really struggling, try hot yoga, the sweat hides any tears 🙂

Are you feeling anxious or struggling with PTSD-like symptoms?

This was my primary issue and yoga was my biggest ally. I know it seems crazy, but some of the poses cause the mind to panic (especially if it’s a hot class). In life, we’re used to avoiding discomfort. Yoga teaches you to be with it, soften to it and let your breath calm the mind (literally taming the amygdala). Learn those lessons on the mat and you’re better able to handle triggers in the world beyond the studio. Also, it’s worth looking for a teacher who is trained in trauma yoga – they do some incredible work.

Are you angry?

I’m always amazed as the emotions that arise on the mat. And anger is a common one (and not just when the instructor has you doing too much core work!). Good teachers recognize this and even structure classes to elicit certain feelings. And then they carefully guide you to slow your breathing and find your intention again. And that’s a good skill to have.

Are you lonely?

Much of loneliness comes from being disconnected from yourself. And yoga has a way of bringing you home. Apart from that, when you practice in a group, there is an amazing sense of energy that comes from hearing the breath and sensing the movements around you. If you want to chat before or after class, no problem. And if you just want to be left alone, you’ll probably find that people will respect that as well. And if you’re looking for new friends, search out a studio that does day or longer trips (I may go to Costa Rica with my studio this fall!!!).

 

Are you struggling with comparison?

Is Facebook bringing you down with its endless supply of happy families? Is the news that your ex is getting married hitting you hard? Yoga is a great teacher about the danger of comparing ourselves to others. Just the other day, I nailed crow pose (3 times!!!) for the first time ever. I was stoked. The next day, I started to enter the pose, caught sight of the women next to me doing a harder version, and immediately fell. Yoga is a reminder to keep your mind on your mat and disregard what others think of you and what is going on around you. I love when the teacher says something like, “Don’t worry how xyz pose looks on your neighbor. Your body is unique and the poses will look different for you.” YES!!!

Are you engaging in negative self talk?

Try this little experiment – stand in a one-legged balance pose while you’re focused on your breathing. Now, start engaging in your preferred negative self-banter. Did you fall? That’s the usual response. Yoga teaches you to be loving and accepting of yourself exactly where you are. And when you falter, you often get a physical reminder.

Are you worried about finding your sexual self again?

I just read a study recently that practitioners of yoga have better sex lives. It makes sense. You become more comfortable with your body, more in tune with your physical senses and better able to pay attention to details. And you don’t need a partner to get started.

Are you feeling hopeless?

Yoga does a great job of teaching acceptance in the now and faith in the future. It breaks everything down to the tiniest steps and encourages you to always focus on this breath. And then this one. And before you know it, a full hour has passed. You made it. And you can keep making it!

Are you scared and struggling with fear?

One of the ways I learned to trust again was on the yoga mat. You learn that one leg really is enough to hold you and all that trembling is just noise that can safely ignored. You learn that you can lean back in a twist beyond your self-imposed limits. You learn to let go rather than grasp. And you know what? It’s okay. Strangely enough, the slower classes often trigger this panic (and teach you how to handle it) better than the faster ones. In life, we often keep ourselves busy so that we don’t have to feel. This time to slow down is a gift to yourself.

Are you experiencing a lack of control in your life?

Yoga is more about learning to use the muscles you have than building new ones. When you’re feeling shaky and unstable in a pose, all you need is a simple verbal instruction or well-placed hand to guide you and you activate all those little stabilizing muscles you didn’t know you had. You gain a sense of control (and some soreness the next day!).

Are you having a hard time letting go of expectations?

There is a reason that yoga is always called practice. Because it’s never perfected. Yoga teachers coach you not to worry about where you were last week or even the previous pose. Be where you are in the moment at that moment. You’ll learn that the best practices are those that you approach with an open mind.

Are you feeling overwhelmed?

I folded into a half-moon the other day with my hand to the floor (as I usually do). My balance was off for some reason. Instead of giving up, I reached for the block next me and slid it under my hand before resuming the pose. Yoga is full of modifications and props to use when you become overwhelmed. And learning to ask for and receive help is a valuable life skill at any time.

Are you struggling with confidence?

Yoga is accessible to anyone on their first day. Yet there’s always room to improve. And that feeling of accomplishment and confidence when you finally nail that crow pose? Priceless! (Just don’t look over at your neighbor.)

Are you looking for love again?

Okay, I can’t promise that yoga can do this for you. But it can’t hurt:)

Have you tried yoga? What benefits has it given you? 

Are you thinking about trying it? What questions or concerns do you have?

You know my thoughts – Let’s hear yours!