7 Reasons People Withdraw in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b
withdraw

We’ve all felt it.

That certain chill in the air. The posture slightly too rigid and closed off. The tone that is just a little too clipped. The words may be right, but something is off.

A disconnection.

It’s like the plug that charges the relationship is only partly plugged in.

It happens in every relationship. It can be as minor as one partner withdrawing for a few moments or hours. Or, it can also prove fatal to the marriage when withdrawal becomes the default position.

So why do people withdraw from their partners? What makes the connection faulty and the charge intermittent?

Fear of Intimacy

It’s scary to allow someone in to your innermost thoughts, dreams and fears. As relationships progress into ever-deepening levels, it’s common to pause and even retreat for a bit to acclimate to the new level of connection must like a deep sea diver has to take breaks on the return to the surface. This type of withdrawal, when short-lived, is nothing to worry about. It’s simply time spent adjusting and processing before the next level is reached. If, however, the retreat from intimacy occurs early and often, it may be a sign that someone is not yet ready to be vulnerable and open.

Fear of Rejection

This withdrawal type can lead to a sad self-feeding loop. One partner is afraid of rejection and decides that he or she would rather retreat than risk approach. The other partner can then easily feel rejected by their partner pulling back. You can have a situation where both people crave connection yet are too afraid to risk asking for it. If you find that you are afraid of rejection, work to address your own needs that allow this worry to grow. If your partner makes a bid for attention, work to respond in a way that is accepting rather than rejecting.

Flooding

Some people are more sensitive than others; an amount of emotion that may feel perfectly tepid to one person may be scalding to another. When somebody floods, their emotions are overwhelming them. And even though their surface may remain placid, inside they are a tantruming toddler. When someone is flooded, they are unable to respond rationally and struggle to normalize their emotional balance. When something is too intense, it’s natural to retreat for a time. Flooding is often a sign of some unresolved trauma, the emotions triggered having more to do with the past than the present.  If your partner is easily triggered, work to be supportive and patient while encouraging him or her to address the underlying issues. If you find that you are easily overwhelmed, make resolving your trauma a priority.

Anger

Some people wear their anger on their sleeves, leaving no doubt as to the emotion at the helm. Others are more covert, either because they have been trained to hide anger or because they are afraid of addressing the underlying problem face on. And furtive anger can often lead to withdrawal when one partner steams in silence. When anger is at a peak, it is often advisable to retreat for a time to calm down and think more rationally. That respite should be followed by approach, communicating the anger and working together to resolve the broken boundaries. If one (or both) partners consistently fume from afar, the anger will only mutate into resentment, causing a more permanent rift in the relationship.

Introversion

Some people simply require more solitude than others. It’s easy for an extrovert to sense a disconnect from their introverted partner when the latter is retreating in order to refuel his or her energy. If you are the more introverted partner, it is your responsibility to communicate your need for alone time to your spouse and make connection and intimacy a priority when you are together. If you are feeling left out by an introvert, learn how to establish connection without overwhelming their senses.

Outside Pressures

Marriages do not exist in a vacuum. We all have demands placed (okay, sometimes heaped) upon us from outside the relationship. Withdrawal can occur anytime someone is feeling overwhelmed and overworked. It’s a method of survival, cutting off blood flow to some areas in order to focus on what is critical in the moment. A marriage can survive a short-term starvation of attention and energy. Yet leave the tourniquet on too long, and there will be no marriage to return to. If your spouse is in survival mode, strive to be compassionate yet also persistent about maintaining connection. If you are the drowning one, don’t neglect to ask your spouse for a hand.

Pursuer/Withdrawal Dance

This is one of the fatal relationship patterns often described by Gottman. Understand that your partner’s withdrawal has more to do with them then with you. Don’t take it personally. But at the same time, take it seriously, because a habit of withdrawal can initiate a catastrophic domino effect. The initial withdrawal can occur for any of the above reasons. If it is then followed by a desperate grab for attention by a panicking spouse, it sets up the choreography for a dance where one partner is always retreating and the other is always grasping.

 

All relationships have an ebb and flow of intimacy. The challenge is learn how to ride it out rather than allow any periods of withdrawal to slide into a downward spiral of disconnection. For the partner sensing the distance and craving connection, the key is to relax and not push away or flood the more reserved partner. And for the attachment to return, the retreating partner must be aware of his or her own patterns and make a sustained effort to maintain the intimacy.

Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whether it was your first heart-break in middle school, your first big misunderstanding with the one you thought-was-the-one or reality moving in along with your partner, at some point you learned that relationships aren’t easy.

That staying together requires a lot more effort than getting together.

And that relationships are a challenge no matter what the circumstances.

So what is it that makes relationships so hard?

Vulnerability

Most of us walk around like an M&M, safely tucked inside a hard shell that is resistant to melting. Yet, melt is exactly what we must do if we want to establish an intimate connection. And it’s scary to reveal yourself in all your inner glory; you risk wounding or even worse, rejection. Maintaining vulnerability is a continual task. It takes sustained effort and intention to refrain from becoming closed off.

Ego

The best relationships are when both partners aren’t afraid to call the other out on their sh*t and when each is willing to listen. A relationship won’t make it far if you think you have nothing to learn. It’s not easy to lay down your defenses and admit your wrongdoings. It’s difficult to apologize and release the ego. It’s even harder to utter, “You’re right” and be happy saying it because it means you learned something.

Control

One of the most humbling realizations in any relationship is that your partner is an individual, with his or her own free will. Unlike those thousands of (mostly young and always naive) Twitter followers that declare, “I don’t believe in divorce. You mad? Go to the other room and we’re going to talk this out.” Because the truth is, apart from kidnapping, your partner may not want to go to the other room and talk it out. Relationships require that you share a life while accepting that you also live separate lives. Not an easy balance.

Baggage

We all carry wounds and patterns from the past into our relationships. Whether you were the peacemaking middle child in your family and now you try to avoid conflict in your marriage or you experienced infidelity and now you have trouble trusting, your past experiences shape your current situation. If those issues aren’t addressed and tamed, they will choke out the relationship with their tenacity. It’s difficult to face these problems; often we would rather pretend they are absent or inconsequential. It takes courage to unpack your past.

Expectations

We all have expectations of what relationships look like. We grew up watching marriages play out on television and watched our parents’ marriage evolve (or devolve) in front of our eyes. We often makes assumptions that our partners have the same expectations for marriage without taking the time to ask and find out (After all, what if they have a different image? That’s a scary reality to face.). When different expectations collide, the fallout can be devastating.

Acceptance

In the beginning, your partner was probably on a pedestal only because you didn’t know any better. Then at some point, you learned that this one wasn’t perfect either. In fact, you realized that he or she had all kinds of quirks and irritating traits. But you know what? You do too. And a successful relationship means accepting the messy, imperfect and often infuriating humanness of your partner. Without rubbing their noses in it.

Adaptation

Relationships are not stagnant. Just when you finally learn how to talk with your partner about money without falling into a blame/defensive pattern, something changes. And then you have to change in kind. There is no status quo. It takes energy and effort to grow. And the most difficult reality you may find you have to adapt to is that your relationship may not have staying power. And the lessons learned from one relationship may be applied in the next.

Yes, relationships are challenging.

And it is that challenge that also makes them so wonderful.

Because they push us to become stronger.

Teach us to become wiser.

And humble us to become kinder.

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How to Accept the Apology You Never Received

Posted on by stilllearning2b
apology never received

In an ideal world, everyone that causes harm to another, either intentionally or unintentionally, would immediately offer up a genuine apology: accepting responsibility, acknowledging the pain, express empathy and remorse, immediately changing behavior and, if appropriate, making amends for the damage caused. But we know that rarely happens. And it never happens as quickly as we would like.

Instead, we receive a “sorry” tossed out with little thought and nothing to back it up. We hear, “I’ll do better” and better never comes. We may find that in place of an apology, we instead receive blame and misplaced anger as defensiveness leads instead of empathy. The apology may be discounted by the excuses that accompany it. We may see an utter lack of comprehension at the pain that was inflicted. Or we may just be listening to radio silence, waiting for an apology that never comes.

An apology that maybe we don’t even need.

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Why do we want apologies?

Children are taught almost as soon as they can talk to say “Please” when they want something, “Thank you” when they receive something and “I’m sorry” when they hurt someone. At the most surface level, we view an apology as a basic ritual of societal order that preserves a sense of fairness and responsibility.

Apologizing has become almost a knee-jerk reaction for many. How often have you bumped into somebody or inadvertently cut someone off with your grocery cart and had the word, “Sorry” out of your mouth without thinking? Even in such a minor interaction without much empathy or remorse behind the word, the apology still carries importance. When it is uttered, it acknowledges the infraction and its impact on the other person. When nothing is said, the other person feels invisible and insignificant.

At its most basic, an apology says, “I see you.”

And a lack of an apology is a passive rejection.

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What do we expect from apologies?

Pain wants to be heard; the need for our suffering to be acknowledged drives our need for an apology. And the greater the perceived damage, the greater the perceived need for an apology. We all have an inherent sense of fairness, a balance of how things “should” be. When someone harms us, that balance is disrupted and we presume that an apology will make strides towards correcting that imbalance and restoring a sense of fairness.

We often see an acknowledgement of the slight and remorse for the actions as the keystone in the bridge to healing. As though once that apology is received, the remainder of the recovery follows. And so we wait.

Because we want to be heard. Understood. And the pain keeps screaming until it is recognized.

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What are the limitations of apologies?

Apologies can never undo what was done. They are not a magical eraser than removes any harsh words or caustic actions. When we imbue them with these special powers, we increase our expectations to a level that can never be reached.

No apology will ever be good enough to abolish the pain and reverse the damage. Just as you cannot control somebody else’s apology, they cannot mitigate your suffering.

You can’t outsource healing. You have to do it yourself.

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Do we need apologies?

An apology or a lack thereof is a reflection of the other person’s character, not your worth.

When somebody causes harm and refuses to accept responsibility, they are telling you who they are, not who you are.

When someone is too cowardly to admit fault, they are showing you their shortcomings, not yours.

And just because somebody displays an utter lack of empathy, it does not mean your pain is not real and valid.

When you wait for an apology, you are allowing the person who harmed you to continue to harm you. You’re letting them decide if you get to be okay again.

And is that really a decision you want to place in the hands of someone who lacks empathy and courage?

If this person is still involved in your life and they are unable or unwilling to authentically apologize, take a good look at your boundaries. Is this someone that you want to remain in your life?

How can you accept the apology you never received?

The most critical component of accepting an apology you never received is to eliminate any magical thinking you have about apologies. They are no holy grail of healing. They do not have the power to erase what has happened. Once you realize that, it becomes easier to let go of the driving need for acknowledgement and amends. An apology is only required if you give it that power.

Your well-being should not hinge on somebody else’s shortcomings.

Their inability to accept responsibility is their problem.

Not yours.

Your healing is your responsibility.

Accept it.

If you’re having trouble accepting an apology you’ve never received, this can help.

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Dating After Divorce: Does Their Marital History Matter?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started to contemplate dating after my tsunami divorce, I was taken aback when a friend posed the question, “So, are you looking for guys that have never been married or are you looking for a man that is also divorced?”. Since the last time I was on the dating scene, I was just looking for boys who were old enough to drive, I had never had to consider prior marital status before.

I rolled the imagined pros and cons of each around in my mind for a few moments.

Never married – No ex-wife to deal with, not one to marry impulsively, and has had sufficient time to fully enjoy the bachelor life. On the other hand, perhaps they are not ready for marriage, they don’t know how to “do” marriage and they may struggle to adapt to the lifestyle changes.

Divorced – Knows how to be married, may have friends that are more marriage-oriented, and they are not commitment-shy. Of course, there is always the ex-wife, the newly single man about town energy and they may be dealing with residual triggers and bitterness from the divorce.

I concluded, “I’m fine with either. I figure at my age (32 at the time), I’ll find more that are divorced. Of course, kids are a deal-breaker for me, so that may mean I find more that have never been married.”

And during my period of Match Madness, I did date both. And I found that some of my assumptions were incorrect. I met married men who, based upon discussion, never did learn how to be married. I met lifelong bachelors that had certain traits that made it difficult to imagine anyone wanting to marry them. Ever. And I discovered that difficult and in-the-picture exes were as likely to be of the girlfriend as the wife variety. Divorced doesn’t mean “damaged” any more than never married means “defective.”

In the end, I fell in love with a man (then 37) who had never been married. Not because he had some fatal flaw, but because he knew himself well enough to wait until he was ready. He may not have known how to be married, but that was okay. After all, I didn’t know how to be married to him. And every marriage is different. We gave each other the gifts of time and patience – for me to work on healing and letting go of the residual anger and for him to adapt to a partnered life and learn what it means to be married. And now that never-been-married-before man is a seriously amazing husband.

Just like I wouldn’t want anyone to hold my past against me, someone’s romantic history doesn’t tell the story of their romantic future. Focus more on their character traits than on the characters they dated or married. Pay more attention to their readiness now then their readiness then. And most importantly, look for someone that will learn along with you as you navigate a life together.

Stepping on Toes in the Pursuit of Happiness

Posted on by stilllearning2b
happiness

“But I just wanted to be happy,” my couldn’t-be-ex-quickly-enough whined to the police officer in the interview room where he was being questioned for bigamy.

“That doesn’t give you an excuse to commit a felony,” the officer responded. I could hear him shaking his head in disbelief as he related this encounter to me on the phone later that day.

It brings up an interesting question though – when is it okay to cause distress to others on your own path to self fulfillment?

Your first impulse may be, “never.” Yet, we are not responsible for another’s happiness and we are in charge of our own. And there are times when you may have to step on some toes in order to make the changes that you need to make for you.

And it’s actually more harmful to engage in the people-pleasing (or cowardly) dance around the toes than to be honest and upfront from the beginning. When we try to protect people from our truth, we are acting as gatekeepers, something no relationship on common footing should ever have. Additionally, in trying to avoid hurting anyone, you create an environment seeded for deception (if you do want you want and lie about it to protect the other or yourself) or contempt and resentment (if you don’t follow your dreams and you blame your partner for your circumstances).

There are times when you have to step on some toes. Bruise some egos. Utter words that you know will lead to tears. And maybe even make a decision that causes a heart to break.

It’s not your job to ensure that your partner never feels pain. It’s not your role to act as security guard for your partner’s ego. And it’s not your responsibility to protect your partner’s cheeks from tears.

There are times that you may have to step on some toes in order to find your happiness.

But you are responsible for ensuring that you step as gently as possible. (Unlike my ex, who pretty much tap danced in combat boots over everyone in his life.)

If you are feeling unfulfilled in your life and you suspect that the pursuit of your own happiness will end up hurting others, here is what you need to consider if you want to tread as lightly as possible:

Don’t Be Impulsive

We all get irritated at times. We all reach a breaking point where eruptions are inevitable. This is not the time to throw out some news that will hurt your partner. Wait until you are calm and deliberate. Words can never be erased.

Speak Your Truth Clearly

Say it as it is. Provide the basics and only elaborate if asked.

Do Not Spread Blame

Even if you see your partner as responsible, this is not the time to point fingers. Own your part. And make sure you’re not on a snipe hunt for happiness. Not only is that not fair to your partner, you will never find what you’re looking for.

Be Patient

This may be old news to you, but it’s a breaking headline to your partner. Give them the time and space needed to adjust.

Accept That Some Pain is Inevitable

You can’t keep your partner from hurting. Offer comfort if it is welcome and don’t censor or try to minimize the pain.

Strive to Not Respond to Anger

When we are surprised and in pain, we often lash out. Try to not respond to anger; it won’t lessen the impact of your announcement.

Enlist Professional Help If Needed

Whether the news is delivered in a counseling office or a therapist is secured after-the-fact, recognize that help may be needed.

Listen and Keep an Open Mind

You may have reached a conclusion on your own. Be willing to listen to your partner. First, so that they can feel understood and also because you may find an alternative you did not consider.

And I discourage bigamy; you’ll find the police aren’t very sympathetic:)