How to Remove the Emotion When Dealing With a Difficult Ex

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Some people end up friends with their exes.

Some people are able to successfully navigate their way into a companionate coparenting or business relationship with their spouse.

And others have an ex from you-know-where that continues to cause pain and wreak havoc long after the divorce.

Sometimes you can go no-contact and excise the malignancy.

But what can you do if you can’t remove your ex from your life but you still want to remove the emotions from the interactions? You may be stuck with them, but you don’t have to be stuck with how they make you feel.  Here are 11 ways that you can find emotional distance from a difficult ex.

 

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How to Take the Emotion Out of Dealing With a Difficult Ex

 

Even though my ex husband left my life, he left his impact behind in the form of tens of thousands of dollars of debt that fell on me to repay. Every month when I had to make those payments, I felt like all of the emotional progress I had made was washed away. I would grow angry, fearful and despondent all over again as I was forced to face the ugly reality. It wasn’t physical contact with him, but it was a monthly appointment with his presence that I was required to keep.

It’s one of the more common dilemmas faced by my coaching clients: “I’m doing great and then I have to see my ex and I feel like I’m back to square one.” Some are like me and have been left cleaning up the mess their exes left behind. They have to find a way to balance their responsibilities with their emotional wellbeing. For others, they have children and regular contact is required for the sake of establishing some sort of co-parenting relationship. So for them, the question becomes one of maintaining the children’s relationship with the other parent without sacrificing yourself in the process.

 

Rename and Reframe

When you see your ex, your brain floods with memories of who they were to you. Perhaps you remember the halcyon early days or the pain you felt when you discovered that they had been unfaithful. You’re viewing them through the lens of a spouse, a partner, and remembering the ways that they failed you in that role.

Those memories carry a powerful emotional punch. A punch that leaves you winded and spinning. So take a step back. That person on your doorstep is no longer the one who held you and then hurt you; they are simply your children’s other parent.  You can even label them this way in your phone’s contact list.

 

Pay Attention to Your Physical Sensations

Does your breath become more rapid and shallow when you hear your ex’s car pull into the driveway? Maybe you can feel the prickle of rage run down your back when you see their name show up on your phone. For me, any reminder of the financial mess caused a physical sensation of nausea and panic.

Simply by being attuned to these sensations helps to keep them from running amok. Be aware of how your body responds even if you feel like you can’t alter it at this point. Label the sensations with non-judgment – “Oh, my hands are sweaty and trembling.”

 

Ask Yourself, “Why Does This Still Bother Me?”

Name your feelings and trace their roots. You are no longer married to this person, so why are their words and behaviors still able to trigger you? You may be dealing with some unresolved pain from the divorce. Or maybe this activated some long-buried childhood wound. And sometimes the response is merely one of habit, reacting in the way to which you have become accustomed.

Regardless of the reasons, one of the best ways to deactivate a trigger is to dig into it to remove its power source. Spend some time with a therapist, your journal or a trusted companion and explore why you’re still responding so strongly.

 

Bookend the Contact With Positive Activity

Contact with the ex has the potential to ruin several days if you allow it. There’s the building anxiety leading up to the contact, the actual confrontation and then the recovery period.

In order to limit the effects to the actual contact, bookend the encounter with positive and engrossing activity to help distract you before and shift you out after. Limit the amount of time and energy available for anxiety and rumination.

 

Practice Mindfulness

Begin some sort of mindfulness training to help you find your inner calm regardless of what is happening in your world. Meditation often talks about learning to view the storm through the window instead of being in the storm. You cannot control the rain, but you can learn to find some distance from its impact.

Mindfulness is also powerful because it trains you to accept what you cannot control and teaches you how to have mastery over your breath and to some extent, your thoughts.

 

Rehearse Your Responses

If your ex has a tendency to push your buttons in search of a response, take some time to rehearse what you are going to say ahead of time. Practice this with somebody else or in front of a mirror. Repeat it until it becomes rote, devoid of emotion.

You cannot keep them from poking at you, but you can refuse to engage. Having a pat, non-emotional response is a great first step.

 

Don’t Be Their “Person”

Some exes still look to their former spouses to have their emotional needs met. I even know of people who turn to their ex partner when they are having difficulties with the person they left the marriage for! It can be difficult after divorce to transition into the new, more distant, roles after years of being a team.

If your former spouse is turning to you for emotional support and advice, inform them that you cannot fulfill that role anymore. It is no longer your responsibility to be their shoulder to cry on or their sympathetic ear.

 

Temporary Outsourcing

There are times when any contact is simply too painful to contemplate. Be creative – are you able to outsource any of this to automation or to a third party? Be aware that this approach is a bandaid, a temporary breather so that you have the time and space needed to create the necessary emotional distance.

 

Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally 

Whether your ex is a malignant narcissist seeking their own gains without consideration or a lost and wounded soul who can’t seem to get themselves together, their actions say way more about them then they indicate about you. So don’t take their words or behaviors personally.

If they are generally a bad person, remind yourself that this is simply their approach to everyone. If they are struggling, find a place of detached empathy for them and seek to understand the motivations behind their words or actions.

 

Gratitude 

This was my greatest tool in the years I was a prisoner to the debt my ex left behind. After every check written, every bill paid, every debt collector spoken to, I would add an item to a list of something that I was grateful for that I would not have had without the divorce.

It’s easy to focus solely on the bad in the situation, to allow the negativity to flood out your senses. By taking the time to force yourself to list the positive effects, you’re expanding your perspective and training your brain to look for the sun behind the clouds.

 

Find Your Power

In high school, I picked up the sport of fencing. At the beginning, I excelled in the drills but fell apart in the bouts when my opponents actually had the audacity to attack me.

“You know what they’re going to do,” my coach hollered at me one day from the sideline, “So why do keep reacting the same way that allows them to score a point?”

And he was right. I knew the moves my opponent was going to attempt. I had no control over their attacks. But I could lunge out of the path of their blade or parry differently so that they lost their opportunity.

It changed my view of the bouts. I was no longer focused on what my opponent was going to do to me. Instead, I learned and practiced how to responds differently so that their attacks landed less frequently and with less force.

One of the hardest parts of divorce is the overwhelming feeling of powerlessness that comes with it. And when you’re allowing your ex to dictate your moods and responses, you’re giving your power away.

Take back your power. Take back your life.

 

The Side Effect of Divorce That Nobody Talks About (And What To Do About It)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I bet you’re tired. Actually, I would guess that you’re exhausted. That the mere thought of opening the latest letter from the lawyer seems to call for more energy than you can summon and there is hardly enough motivation to get through the day, much less build a new life.

You’re not alone.

In fact, fatigue is an extremely common side effect of divorce. And yet nobody seems to talk about it.

Why Are You Exhausted?

The Legal Proceedings

I joked with my mom during my divorce that I had garnered enough experience to get a job as a paralegal. I was only half kidding. Even the most amicable divorce can turn into a part-time job as you assemble the necessary documentation and negotiate the details. And since most of us can’t quit our day jobs to tackle the demands of divorce, the legal process inevitably wears us out.

Emotional Processing

If you spent the day clearing trees from your land and cutting them into firewood, would be surprised at your level of exhaustion at the end of the day? Probably not. During divorce, you’re engaging in that level of emotional exertion as you face and process the emotions brought forth by the end of a marriage. Even though you don’t have the sore muscles to show for it, you’re doing a lot of heavy lifting.

Slack in Self-Care

In the first few months during my divorce, most of my calories came from Cheetos and frozen waffles. Your comfort food of choice may be different, but I bet that your diet has recently suffered. Nutrition, exercise and sleep are all important to our overall energy levels and they all have tendency to fall by the wayside during divorce.

Establishing New Patterns and Habits 

What takes more effort – completing a common task at work or performing a new and unfamiliar assignment? During divorce, very little of your life is rote and routine and almost everything is unknown and un-mastered. The brain requires more energy to lay down new neural pathways than to simply follow well-worn patterns.

 

Fighting the Un-fightable

How much time do you spend wanting things to be different? Do those thoughts change anything? It’s exhausting when you’re fighting against something that you cannot change. And yet, during divorce, we all do it.

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How to Overcome Exhaustion

 

Attend to the Physical

It all starts by taking care of your body. Make sure to add sufficient fruits, vegetables and protein to your Cheetos and waffles diet. Make sleep a priority. Find some form of movement that feels good to you right now and do it. Yes, exercise takes energy. But it also creates it.

 

Prepare For a Marathon

No, not a literal marathon (unless that appeals to you!), but a metaphorical one. The entire divorce process will most likely take more than a year. It’s not a sprint. If you start out too fast, you’ll most likely burn out before the end. Conserve your energy, take it slow and steady. Adjust your expectations as needed and make sure you have some people on the sidelines cheering you on.

 

Know Thyself

Are you an extrovert that feeds off the energy of those around you or are you an introvert, needing time alone to recharge? Whatever your personal orientation, take care to honor it. Take the time to identify the ways that you recharge and then make plugging in a priority.

 

Be Engaged 

When we’re exhausted, it’s easy to collapse and refrain from getting up. This creates a negative feedback loop, inertia keeping you disengaged and compounding your fatigue. Make a concerted effort to play an active role in your life. Let inertia work for you, motivating you to keep going.

 

Embrace Starting Over 

Starting over does require effort. And it also can create excitement (just think of the beginning of a new school year!). Capitalize on the latter by focusing on the areas that you can control. Recognize the opportunity inherent in beginnings. Put at least as much energy into creating the new as you do into dissembling the old.

 

When to Seek Help?

 

Sleeping Too Much or Not Enough

After a week of spending the entire night sitting on the edge of my bed, I knew that I needed help. Medication allowed me to get the rest I needed so that I could attend to the rest of the healing process. If you’re not sleeping or you’re sleeping too much, see a doctor. Help is available.

 

New Physical Symptoms

Mental stress can affect the body in myriad ways. In my case, the intense emotional trauma and severe lack of calories led to severe muscle tissue breakdown, which required medical intervention. Pay attention to your body and get checked out if something seems off.

 

Persistent Feelings of Hopelessness 

Exhaustion can be a sign of depression. If the fatigue resists your efforts or is accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and defeatism, make an appointment with a mental health professional. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

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The Good News…

 

Much of what you’re experiencing is temporary. The legal process will eventually be finalized. New habits and patterns will be established and able to be performed with little effort. The emotional onslaughts will be fewer and further between and you’ll get better at addressing them.

Yes, you’re exhausted. But it’s not permanent and it’s not fatal.

It’s simply the price of transformation.

 

10 Things People Who Thrive After Divorce DON’T Do!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We’re accustomed to hearing information and advice about what we should do after divorce. But what about those things that are better avoided if we want to eventually find or create a better life after divorce? Here are ten things that people that thrive don’tdo:

1 – People who thrive after divorce refuse to pretend they’re okay.

 

It’s partly a knee-jerk reaction and partly an effort to present our best selves to the world when we respond to “How are you?” with “Fine.” Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, this response is sufficient and mostly accurate. Divorce is not one of those times.

During divorce, most of us experience the extremes of emotions all tumbling within our bruised hearts at any given moment. And it’s easier to say, “Fine.” than to admit to the paralyzing fear that we will never find love again. It’s less scary to pretend to be okay than to confront the fear that we’re really not coping very well. In a time when our esteem has already taken a beating, we want to appear as confident and capable. Even if it’s just an illusion.

Pretending to be okay often feels like you’re doing others a favor. Yet you’re protecting them at the expense of yourself. The problem with pretending to be okay is that it prevents you from receiving the help you may need and the limited vulnerability promotes loneliness as you avoid true intimacy with others.

Those who thrive will admit to themselves and others when they’re not okay. They will give themselves the time and space to heal and they will accept assistance from others. Becoming okay often begins by accepting when you’re not.

Playing Make-Believe With Your Healing Progress

 

2 – People who thrive after divorce don’t take themselves too seriously.

 

Divorce is serious business. It has a significant and powerful effect on those affected, from a loss of vitality and financial security to difficulty functioning and the stress of major loss and transition. It requires consistent effort and attention and money to survive the shift from married to single.  And it’s easy to become overburdened with the responsibilities or to become consumed with the impact the split will have on the children.

Those who thrive after divorce don’t neglect their duties or minimize the consequences of the end of the marriage, yet they also manage to find the comedy within the tragedy. Whether by taking advantage of a lighthearted moment or using dark humor to poke fun at a horrific situation, they allow the smiles to shine alongside their tears.

Humor not only allows for play and respite, refraining from taking yourself too seriously also helps you to forgive yourself for your stumbles and missteps as you’re learning how to be in this new and topsy-turvy world. When you can laugh at yourself, it’s a great reminder that you have the power to interpret what happens to you.

 

3 – People who thrive after divorce don’t follow rigid rules.

 

“Don’t date for at least a year after divorce.”

“You should always try for mediation instead of going to court.”

“Never talk about your divorce at work.”

It seems the rules for how we are “supposed” to manage life after divorce are endless. There are rigid social guidelines for everything from how to leave your spouse to how (and when) to meet the next one. Some of the advice is good, some of it excellent. Much of it comes from years of experience and even research.

Yet none of that matters if the advice isn’t right for you.

Many of us seek guidance after divorce. Lost, confused and overwhelmed, we’re looking for somebody to tell us exactly what to do and what steps to take to make it through. It’s great to learn from others and gain from the shared wisdom of experience. And it’s even better when you process that advice through your own beliefs and needs and shape it into something that makes sense for you.

Those that thrive after divorce are open to counsel, yet they refuse to follow rules just for the sake of following rules. They listen, they learn, they reflect and then they do what feels right for them.

 

4 – People who thrive after divorce refrain from becoming bound by their revenge fantasies.

 

Some ex-spouses are pretty terrible people or at least they behave in some terrible ways before, during and after divorce. And when we’re hurt, it’s tempting to strike back in anger and frustration. The mind becomes a fertile playground for revenge fantasies suitable for a Hollywood script.

The mental vengeance can feel purgative and empowering, restoring a sense of balance and fairness while releasing some of the vitriol. We want the ex to suffer so that they can know the pain they inflicted on us. We want them to be miserable because it seems a fitting consequence for their malevolence. We scan their pictures with their new partner looking for signs of unhappiness or carefully dissect their words looking for cracks in the happy façade.

Those who thrive after divorce are certainly no saints. Their minds still entertain these dark and vindictive thoughts. Yet they refrain from getting too caught up in their need for revenge or their desire to see consequences fall upon their ex.

The thrivers understand that by giving too space to these negative thoughts, they are preventing themselves from moving forward. Instead of worrying about what their ex is doing, they strive to turn their energy towards creating a life that they enjoy.

How to Move Forward When You Still Want Revenge

 

5- People who thrive after divorce avoid leaving their divorce unframed.

 

When divorce happens, it often feels messy and unrestrained. It presents as the disruption of everything normal and a destroyer of lives. It may have felt inevitable like a slowly rising tide or it may have presented as a tsunami, wiping out your life in a single catastrophic event.

Regardless of the presentation, your early efforts are focused on survival. On simply making it through the one day and onto the next. It’s tempting to refrain from looking back upon the destruction of the divorce.

Yet that’s exactly what those who thrive do. After they’ve made it through the survival stage, the thrivers consider the entire divorce experience and decide what purpose it will serve in their lives. They take that catastrophe and they frame it as an experience that has allowed them to learn, to grow or to help others. They find the purpose within the pain and surround their experience with gratitude for its unexpected gifts.

 

6 – People who thrive after divorce refuse to turn their narrative into a reality show.

 

In the world of television drama, conflict is celebrated, everyone is forced into a narrow mold of “hero” or “villain” and stories follow predictable arcs towards resolution.

Life is not television.

We have become so accustomed to fictional and manipulated narratives that we often expect our lives to follow a similar path. We focus on the sordid details, welcoming the excitement and drama even as we realize that it makes us feel ill in the process. We all-too-easily cast our exes (and maybe their new partners) as narcissists or monsters. And we expect that life should be a series of events worthy of airtime.

Instead of seeking drama, those that thrive after divorce avoid the secret thrill that comes from digging into the dirt because they are well-aware of the negative aftereffects. They recognize that their ex is human and fallible and so are they. Resolution is viewed less as, “The end” and more as “The next step.” In place of stirring up drama, they strive to find a place of detached compassion.

 

7 – People who thrive after divorce don’t treat their children as pawns or victims.

 

It can be tempting to use the children as an implement of control or power when your ex is being difficult or unreasonable. Within the court system, the kids are often treated like the fake rabbits used in dog racing, so that the parents keep shoveling money into their respective attorney’s pockets. In the worst of cases, one parent badmouths the other in front of the kids in an attempt to win favor and turn the children against their parent.

On the other end of the spectrum, some families focus so much on the effect that the divorce has on the children that they unintentionally promote a feeling of victimhood in their offspring. The kids begin to feel as though they are broken and need to be protected. The parents, feeling guilty, overindulge and overprotect their kids.

In thriving families, the impact on the kids is mitigated wherever possible and it is also not magnified. The children are allowed to express their feelings and are also encouraged to not be limited by them. Those that thrive help their kids without enabling them and they accept the impact of the divorce without marinating in guilt.

 

8 – People who thrive after divorce abstain from catastrophizing a bad day.

 

During divorce, we are often living on the razor edge of a breakdown and it doesn’t take much to push us off the narrow edge of getting by and being okay-ish. Those are the bad days, when the brunt of responsibility collides with a lack of rest and the seemingly insurmountable weight of grief.

Those who thrive experience those bad days just as frequently as anyone else. They have those moments when it all feels impossible and nothing seems like it’s working in their favor. The difference is in the narrative surrounding the misery. People who are struggling often generalize their unhappiness, allowing a “bad day” to become a “bad life” like a newly-dyed burgundy sheet transferring its pigment to the rest of the laundry.

In contrast, those who thrive create boundaries around the terrible times. They may whither under the gloom of a bad day, but they also know that tomorrow may again bring the sun. They use language to communicate these walls, avoiding all-encompassing words such as “always” and “never” and clarifying that the current misery, no matter how bad, is always transitory.

 

9 – People who thrive after divorce refrain from making the divorce the most important thing in their life.

 

The stress of divorce is ranked as higher than that of imprisonment, major injury and even the loss of a family member. There is no doubt that divorce is a major event in one’s life, a dividing line between “before” and “after.”

Divorce changes you. Its tears wash away any remaining naiveté you carried into adulthood. It forces you to summon courage you never knew you had and to face fears that always seemed too big to name. It allows doubt to creep in and makes you accept the harder truths of life and its inevitable loss.

Without a doubt, divorce has a major influence on you.

Yet it does not have to define you.

Those that thrive see their divorces as one of a series of events that have shaped them, helped them grow. They acknowledge its impact. Yet they also refuse to build a shrine around it, elevating its importance.

The thrivers live with their eulogies in mind – focusing more on their life purpose and their lasting impact than on the series of milestones they have moved through.

 

10 – People who thrive after divorce don’t give up.

 

Even those that thrive don’t thrive every day.

They just refuse to give up.

Not Every Day is a Good Day. Show Up Anyway. 

Are you struggling to thrive after divorce?

Check out my comprehensive Thriving After Divorce course on Udemy. 

See what others are saying about the course:

Give yourself the gift of moving on. You’re worth it!

How Will Your Divorce Change You?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you ever placed a plant in a window and neglected to turn it for a period of time? If so, you’re familiar with that asymmetrical appearance that occurs as the plant resolutely grows towards the light. In plants, this behavior is called phototropism, one of many innate growth mechanisms that dictate how the plant changes in response to its environment.

We aren’t as beholden to the sun, but we have our own tropism that determines our growth:

Credotropism – growth towards belief

Just like the sun directs the shape of the plant, your beliefs govern the shape your life takes. Especially after something as difficult as divorce.

In a series of studies, teachers were given false information about a class of average students. When the teachers were informed that the students were of below average intelligence, the students performed poorly. When told that the students were brilliant, the same students scored high marks.

The teacher’s belief guided the growth of their students.

Just imagine what your own beliefs are doing for you.

Do you want to find a way to feel better? Live better? Be better?

It all starts with your attitude.

Are you looking at your divorce as the worst thing to ever happen to you? Are you fixating on your ex and what they did to the family? Are you focusing on what you have lost?

I get it. I did it too. It’s all but impossible to not spend some time in that negative mental space. After all, you’re mourning the loss not only of what was but also of your imagined future. You may be dealing with limited exposure to your children, a loss of financial security or the brutal reality that you have apparently been replaced.

And you can certainly stay in that negative headspace, building your beliefs about your life’s derailment and its associated casualties.

Yet in doing so, you will most certainly continue to steer your life into that dark tunnel.

Credotropism. You grow towards your beliefs.

It’s true that your hands are somewhat tied right now. You can’t simply turn back time and restart a path where the divorce never happened. You can’t pretend that the negative effects aren’t real and live as though this never occurred.

And you can’t snap your fingers and suddenly find yourself moved on (I know, I tried).

But you can start by believing that it is possible.

You don’t need to know how you’re going to rebuild your financial security to believe that it is possible.

You don’t need to how your children are going to be okay in order to have confidence that it will transpire.

You don’t have to know how you’re going to find love again to believe that it can happen.

You don’t need to know how you’re going to be happy and fulfilled to trust that it can occur.

It all starts with your attitude. Your conviction that you can.

Because you will grow towards whatever you believe.

Make it worthwhile.

The Mistake You May Be Making With Your Divorce Pain

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Why am I still hurting so badly?” the email implores of me, the writer speaking of her ten-year-old divorce.

As I read her message that details her divorce and her continued and prolonged sadness, I found myself thinking about how the modern western world handles death.

Before the rise of the modern medical and funeral industries, death was truly a family affair. Most people died at home, where there bodies were then washed and dressed by their loved ones. This intimate experience provided an opportunity for the survivors to come to terms with the loss and to grieve together. Denial or avoidance of the reality was simply not an option; there was too much to do.

Death has now become sanitized. Distanced. We have the ability to turn away when it becomes too much. We can keep the discomfort at arm’s length while we fill our minds with no shortage of distractions. By avoiding the grief, we prolong the grief.

And we’ve gotten quite adept at avoiding pain.

Not only when it comes to death, but also when it comes to divorce.

At first, it seems ideal to try to give the pain a wide berth. After all, we’re often advised, “If it hurts, don’t do it.” But sometimes that detour around the discomfort is an endless path and the only way out is through the thick of the heartbreak. Here, let me guide you.

How to Deal With the Pain From Divorce

 

When you continually avoid the pain, every time you feel the agony, it’s as raw as the first time.

 

Whenever I have an open day off work, I like to go to a Korean sauna across town. The wet area of the facility has a variety of pools ranging from hot to cold. Verycold. When I first lower my body into the frigid water, I gasp and then stop breathing as my body is shocked into silence. The cold slices through my skin and my panicking brain begs for me to leave.

Sometimes I listen to the alarm in my mind and I quickly exit the pool, where I immediately warm up again. Of course then, if I decide to reenter the pool, I have to start from scratch, beginning with the initial pain of the icy waters.

Other times, I am able to stay in the water. I focus on my breathing – slow deep inhale, pause, slow full exhale – until the screaming in my brain finally quiets. And as I hold my body still, a strange thing begins to happen. The shock and discomfort of the cold begins to recede and is instead replaced by a sense of calm surrender.

Emotional pain is no different. If you strive to avoid the discomfort, you inadvertently expose yourself to the initial trauma time and time again. However, with prolonged exposure, you begin to acclimate to the grief. You begin to trust that even though it is terrible, it is not fatal. You learn how to focus on loosening the bindings around your heart so that you can allow your breath in and in doing so, begin to calm the mind.

If you’re struggling to stay with emotional pain, start by training yourself to tolerate physical discomfort. Try hot yoga, distance running or even an ice cold bath. Let the body begin to teach the mind.

Recognize the power that you’re giving the pain when you constantly strive to avoid it.  We seek to turn away from pain because we fear it, yet maybe what we should really fear is the denial of a natural and ultimately, illuminating, emotion.

When you repeatedly tell your story, you move from character to narrator.

 

 

When trauma first happens, people are often compelled to tell their story, with all its gory details, to anyone who will listen (or at least pretend to listen). This early telling is emotional. A re-experiencing where the body punctuates each word with its visceral memories of the pain.

And in time, this drive to recite the story fades. And often at this point, people pack up their memories and lock them away in some dark recess of the mind. Yet in doing so, they’re missing a powerful healing opportunity.

Researchhas revealed that the power of EMDR, a type of therapy that uses eye movements to help neutralize trauma, is not in the specialized actions, but in the continual recounting of the difficult experience in a safe and supportive environment. With repeated exposure, the person gains a little more distance from the pain and even begins to feel some power over it as they begin to shape the narrative structure around their memories.

Another way to practice retelling your story until you gain some space is through the use of journaling. Write your experience. Take a slightly different viewpoint and write it again. Try expressing it in third person. As you expose yourself to the pain repeatedly, it loses its power over you.

Healing from intense pain is like suturing a deep wound.

 

 

I remember being so raw. Emotionally guuted and bleeding tears. Yet life continued and I was needed. So I managed to tuck the pain inside for most of the days so that I could function in the world. And to many, I probably appeared fine. But the wound was only closed on the surface. The real healing was happening beneath.

The care for an emotional wound is not unlike a physical one. Let it breath. You may need to keep it covered while you’re at work or when you have to put on a brave face for the kids. But when it’s safe, take off the bandage and let the fresh air in.

Keep the wound clean to avoid festering. Sometimes you have to remove debris that is impeding healing. And it will sting. But that pain is necessary to keep you healthy.

Don’t poke at it. Differentiate between pain that is helpful (exploring your response to a trigger) and unneeded agony (checking your ex’s Facebook every day).

And like a physical wound, once the injury has already occurred, the offending object that caused the damage is no longer of consequence. Only the healing matters.

Don’t wait until you are healed to begin living. There are smiles to be found amongst the tears.

 

Part of dealing with the pain is being with the pain. But that’s not the whole story. Because even though you hurt right now, you are not only the hurt. Pain does not restrict you to a waiting room while life passes you by. It’s okay to keep living even while you still ache. After all, smiles and tears can often be found together.