Five Qualities You Gain From Struggle

Posted on by stilllearning2b
struggle

When I checked my Twitter feed the other day, I saw that something called the “Barkley Marathon” was trending.

I was instantly curious. After all, I’d never heard of this particular run (even though I’m a runner) and there didn’t seem to be any terrorist activity associated with the race (thank goodness). So why was this obscure race dominating Twitter that on that day?

I had to find out.

One of the Tweets linked to an article that briefly described the race. The second sentence? “Only 15 runners have finished the race in its 32-year history.”

Wow. It was immediately obvious that this race was something special.

It turns out that “marathon” is a misnomer. Because this race is more than one hundred miles – that’s basically four marathons. And it has to be completed in under 60 consecutive hours.

But that’s not all. Just to add to the “fun,” this run is completed on an unmarked, unlit course without any aide stations or lighting (with only 60 hours to complete the course, they have to run through the night). And it’s not just the one hundred miles of horizontal distance these runners have to contend with, they also have to deal with a total of over eleven miles of elevation change over the entirety of the course!

And yet, people still sign up.

So of course, I had to watch the documentary about the race later that evening. I was captivated (and supremely humbled). One of my favorite moments came in a brief clip of an interview with one of the runners –

“I think we all could do with a little more pain in our lives,” he stated after describing what led him to ultra marathons.

And I think in many ways, he’s right.

Not that we should all sign up to run for two-and-a-half days through the untamed Tennessee wilderness, but that we all have capabilities and reserves that are left untapped. That we all are capable of so much more than we believe.

And that we all can gain from struggle.

 

Because when you struggle, you gain…

 

Confidence

The only way to build your belief in yourself is to take on challenges where there is a very real chance of failure. Your confidence soars  you face something that you fear and you somehow manage to summon the bravery needed to take that leap of faith. It matters less how well you do against the struggle; the self-assurance comes from meeting  it head-on.

 

Appreciation

One of the more frustrating parts of teaching suburban middle schoolers is that they rarely understand how good they have it. It’s not their fault – they haven’t seen how bad it can be, so they haven’t gained an appreciation for what they have. There’s a reason that the first sip of a cold beverage is more satisfying after hard labor. When we have to slog through the hard times, we become grateful for even the smallest things.

 

Perspective

We have a tendency to set up residence within our own heads. We often lose sight of what really matters and become fixated on the never-ending (and often frustrating) details of daily life. During times of crisis, we drop those details out of necessity and we often elect to leave some of them behind once we realize that they are not as important as we once believed.

 

Peace

When things are too easy, our brains have a tendency to invent things for us to worry about. For many of us, we worry more about what might happen than what actually is happening. Once we’re in the thick of it, the only option is to focus the efforts on getting through. Struggle acts to prune the mind of superfluous concern as we enter a state of focused intention.

 

Joy

It seems counterintuitive that struggle can make us happy. After all, in the midst of the pain and effort, we are often miserable and dispirited. Yet those very times that almost destroy us are the very ones that allow us to find and recognize life’s greatest delights. In struggle, we learn to believe in ourselves and to put our trust in others. Boundaries are bulldozed and bonds are built. We smile when we’re happy and we smile even more when we’ve fought mightily for that happiness.

 

One of my 6th grade students already understand the value of struggle. On a recent survey about accelerated math, she wrote the following:

“The challenge, risks and excitement I get in this class is what makes me want to go to school. The satisfaction I get from doing something right in math is one I want to keep forever. Sure, I don’t always get the BEST grades in math, but that doesn’t discourage me. You’re supposed to get confused, frustrated and struggle because that’s what math is all about. I feel as though this class is preparing me for the obstacles I’ll face later on throughout the years.”

 

Embrace the struggle.

 

Struggle is both life’s training ground and its proving ground.

Challenges teach us and they put us to the test.

Hard times shape us and reveal who we are.

So embrace the struggle. It will make you better.

Even if you never run a Barkley.

 

 

Love, But Not “In Love”

Posted on by stilllearning2b
in love

“I love you, but I’m not ‘in love’ with you.”

 

This sentence, although common, is one of the more bewildering and unsettling statements to both utter and to receive. It both speaks to both caring and to a pulling away. It professes concern while confessing a lack of desire. Those little words are an admission that the deliverer wants what is best for the other person, but no longer wants the other person.

For the speaker, this declaration may come from months or years of feeling that something is missing, even as the exact nature of what is lacking remains elusive. To the listener, the words can prompt a sense of helpless falling, tumbling upon the rocks into the deep and dark pool below.

Sometimes this feeling of loving without being “in love” comes at the crucial point where a relationship is transitioning from the early hormone and excitement fueled lust and attraction into a more mature and steady love. When the expectations that the early rush will persist forever come crashing against the reality of settling into the comfort of the known, the lack of intensity can be interpreted as a lack of desire.

Yet other times, this feeling comes on more slowly and after the relationship has successfully navigated the passage into a more stable and long-term relationship. Often it slides in unnoticed, until one day a realization is reached that the passion, the wanting, is gone.  When you look at your spouse and you see a good parent, a good provider, a good friend. You feel safe with them. Perhaps too safe. The unknown is gone. The danger is gone. The hunger is gone.

 

We cannot have desire without uncertainty.

 

When we first begin seeing someone new, there is no doubt that they are “other.” They smell different, feel different and we cannot predict what they will say or do next. The unknown is a bit scary (after all, we don’t know where this will lead), but it is also exciting. A road trip without a map provides plenty of adventures.

That taste of fear is titillating. It feeds into our base desires and interrupts our more rationalized and carefully metered thoughts and reactions. But most of us struggle to stay in that space for long. After all, it’s not comfortable to stay with uncertainty and so we tend towards the reassurance of consistency and predictability.

But there’s a dark side with becoming too familiar. When we lose that sense of our spouse as “other” and instead fully assimilate them into a shared “we,” our aversion to feeling desire for those we perceive as family begins to kick in. We often believe that a lack of passion for a partner comes first and then we begin to see them more as a friend or even sibling. However, frequently the shift in perceived role comes first and the lack of desire follows naturally after.

 

 

Falling in love again requires letting go.

 

Love, but not “in love” is not necessarily a death sentence for a marriage. The passion and excitement can be cultivated and nurtured and desire can be brought back from its resting place, no matter if you’re the one saying those words or the one hearing them for the first time.

 

Remember Why You Care

Recount the origin story of your relationship. What drew you to your partner? Remember the shared history and revisit the times when you felt the greatest connection or the most overwhelming desire.

 

Be Selfish

Go after what you want. Don’t be afraid to seek pleasure and enjoy it wholeheartedly when you find it. The confidence that you show when you know what you want and you go after is an aphrodisiac. Do what makes you feel desirable. Replace restraint with hunger.

 

Partake in Adventures

Try new things, both with your partner and by yourself. Break out of the mold that you have placed yourself within. Try something new. Change your mind. Allow this rush of adrenaline and dopamine to wash over your partner and your marriage.

 

See Your Spouse Through New Eyes

Try to view your partner as a new acquaintance would. Ask questions as though you don’t know the answers (perhaps you may be surprised). See their role as parent or caretaker or provider as part of them, but not all of them. Refrain from being critical and try being curious.

 

Embrace Uncertainty and Vulnerability

Speak up. Take risks. Be uncomfortable. Allow the thought that your partner may behave in ways you cannot predict. And accept that you may have thoughts and desires that you have shoved into submission. Replace “what now” with “what if” and throw out those tired and worn stories you’re telling yourself.

 

Let Go of Control (You Never Had it Anyway)

Take a step back. When you’re holding on too tightly, you don’t give the other person an opportunity to breathe. Accept that you cannot dictate the future and you cannot force attraction.

 

At the end of the day, we all want to be wanted. We want the feeling of being desired and accepted. We all want to be loved and we want to know that we are loved. And the first step to welcoming that love into your life is allowing that you cannot control it.

 

We push people away because we are afraid of letting them in and being hurt when they leave.

We grasp on to people that are not good for us because we are afraid of being alone and someone is better than no one.

Pushing and pulling are fear, not love.

Love is holding.

Loosely enough so that each person has the freedom to grow and change.

And firmly enough so that each person knows they are supported.

It is trusting the other person enough that they want to stay even if they have the ability to leave.

And trusting yourself that you will be okay if they do.

We Don’t Talk About That

Posted on by stilllearning2b
we don't talk about that

It usually starts in childhood.

The son learns to play the clown whenever the topic of conversation begins to make his father uncomfortable. The daughter of divorced parents learns that mentioning the other parent has a tendency to end in tears, so it’s better to simply keep quiet. At school, any mention of financial struggles in the home leads to ridicule, so any words that would reveal the truth are instead swallowed. Even when the home environment is one that welcomes open dialog, the reactions of those outside the home often reinforce that it’s not considered polite or acceptable to bring up issues of death, disease or discord.

 

“We don’t talk about that,” becomes the unspoken vow of secrecy that follows most of us into adulthood.

 

As we grow and become more aware of the very real threats that exist, we continue to remain silent. Convinced that merely speaking of the thing that frightens us will give it the power to manifest. And that as long as we refuse to say its name, it does not exist. That which will not be named is relegated to the shadows where it can grow and influence without notice.

The husband, sensing a growing distance in his marriage, makes the largely unconscious decision to press onward without comment, believing that addressing the issue would only make it more formidable and would upset his wife. The mother becomes increasingly concerned about her child’s mental health but brushes away the unsettled feelings by telling herself that this is a normal part of growing up. The boss, increasingly demanding of her employees, steadfastly refuses to discuss her increasing fears of failure.

When something becomes off-limits to talk about, it only grows in power.

 

There’s a strange thing that happens when something is banned. Any parent of teenagers knows that the surest way to get them to act is to forbid them to do something. And we are not so different when it comes to banned trains of conversation; the prohibited becomes more powerful as we begin to fill in the gaps with our fears and our imaginations. Because the dialog still happens, only we are simply listening to ourselves.

The adopted child internalizes the implied rejection, assuming that it must be because she simply isn’t enough.  The young man begins to drink to try to escape his feelings of inadequacy because he’s learned that men aren’t supposed to express weakness. The  matriarch elects not to disclose her cancer diagnosis to the family after envisioning the tears that the revelation will cause. After all, isn’t it better to spare them the pain?

 

“We don’t talk about that” implies that your feelings are wrong, misguided.

 

In our modern culture, we value rational thought and have a tendency to dismiss feelings. We see them as animalistic, base and unsophisticated. We push them down. Shove them aside. Pretend that they do not exist even as we berate ourselves that we shouldn’t feel the way we do.  We feed our shame and in turn, it tells us that we need to hide our true selves.

Meanwhile, the suppressed feelings bubble to the surface in the form of increased blood pressure, recurring headaches, panic attacks or IBS. We seek answers in doctor’s office’s, self-help books, online support groups and endless therapy in pursuit of the root of all our problems.

And often it’s found in the dark, in the shadows. By finally bringing light to that which we do not talk about.

Because of instead of causing it to grow, talking about those things that scare us serves to bleed them of their power. Once we name it, bring it to the surface, it no longer can control us.

 

It’s only when we talk about it that we can begin to release it.

 

Who Can I Talk to About My Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce talk

I talked to everyone about my divorce.

No, really.

The abruptness and the shock of it all seemed to manifest itself in an overabundance of thoughts and an inability to keep them to myself.

The clerk at the gas station learned why I trembled with anxiety every time I ran my debit card (because I was still afraid that my ex would somehow manage to drain my personal account). My coworkers heard about the latest information I gleaned from my still-legal-husband’s other wife’s blog (the description of them showering with monkeys in Uganda was a crowd favorite; you can’t make this stuff up). And my poor parents and the friend I lived with were subjected to pretty much every thought that pinball through my spinning mind.

I don’t recommend that approach.

In my case, the fallout from the verbal explosion was minimal. The mutual friends either jettisoned my ex immediately or I decided that they were not worth the effort. There were no children to get caught up in the web of oversharing. I didn’t join Facebook until after I had learned to keep my mouth shut. And, thanks to the wise encouragement of those around me, I never revealed his identity to those that didn’t already know him.

Many people react like I did and talk about their divorces too often, too openly or with the wrong people. Others decide that it’s all too personal and elect to clam up and hold it all in.

The best response is one in between, where you deliberately choose who to talk to about your divorce so that you get the support you need without the risk of additional drama or negative consequences.

Talk About Your Divorce With Impunity

 

Your journal – The absolute safest place to share all of your thoughts about your divorce is in a private journal. This is the one place where you can say anything (even the darkest thoughts and fears) without worrying about facing judgment. Just make sure that your journal is password-protected or locked if there are others around.

Your counselor, clergy or physician – These people are all professionals whose job is to help you. They are trained to be non-judgmental and required to keep your information confidential. Keep in mind that you may have to hunt around a bit to find people that seem like a good fit for you. But once you find them, don’t hold back. The more they know, the more they can assist you.

Supportive friends and family – You may have to test the waters a little bit to see who can listen sympathetically, offer the necessary guidance and keep your conversations private. Once you find these confidants, talk openly. They’re your cheerleaders and often your motivators.

 

Talk About Your Divorce With Some Caveats

 

Intimate strangers – I know it seems like an oxymoron, but it’s not. These are those people that you connect with briefly but deeply. You may meet on a plane, at an out-of-town bar or sitting in adjacent seats in a waiting room. You never exchange names or identifying details, yet the anonymity allows for a certain reckless vulnerability. In these situations, share as much as you wish about the emotional impact but withhold the particulars. Throughout, be mindful of the other person’s reaction. If they are asking questions or sharing their own circumstances, they are receptive. If they seem uncomfortable with the exchange, it’s time to move on.

Blogs and internet support groups – These can be a lifesaver when you don’t have an in-person support group or you are looking for others who have experienced similar situations to your own. These are similar to the intimate strangers in that you get to know them very well in some ways and not at all in others. Again, refrain from sharing identifying details or names of others involved (it’s up to you if you want to share your real name). In addition, be mindful of the tone of any groups that you’re joining and strive to stay within their cultural norms.

More judgmental friends and family – These are the people that love you and want the best for you, but they don’t necessarily “get” you. They may respond to your cries with, “Everything happens for a reason” or “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Your frustrations with your ex might be met with, “I never did like them. What did you expect?” They mean well, but their perspectives and responses can hurt more than help in the short term. Feel free to censor what you share with them to avoid unnecessary grief.

Attorneys – Obviously, when it comes to the legal aspects, tell your lawyer everything. But the emotional? It’s best to keep it to a minimum. Oh, they’ll listen. But you’ll end up paying. Literally.

 

Talk About Your Divorce With Caution

 

Social media – If it’s online, assume it can and will be read by everyone. If you’re still in the process of divorcing, err on the side of caution and say nothing. Social media excerpts are quite commonly used now in divorce and custody cases. After the legal proceedings are finalized, you can share some information. But be careful to avoid creating drama.

New dates – Once you’re dating, it’s natural to talk about what brought you to dating. If you can’t discuss your divorce or your ex without becoming emotional or going into the whole saga, it’s best to steer clear. If you do decide to talk about your divorce, focus more on what you’ve learned from it than on how much you despise your ex.

Children – Obviously, you will have to talk with your kids about your divorce. Repeatedly. As you do, remember that these conversations are for them, not for you. They need to hear that it’s not their fault, that both parents love them and that there will be some stability in their lives. Allow their questions to guide the conversation. It’s okay to let them know that you’re sad or scared, but you also need to show them how to move through those feelings.

Mutual friends – These poor folks are caught in the middle. If you want to keep them as friends, it’s best to keep the divorce talk to minimum.

 

Talk About Your Divorce With Abridgment

 

Professionals on the periphery – Your accountant, insurance adjuster and maybe even your child’s teacher will need to know something about your change in marital status. Share only what is necessary and only when necessary.

Coworkers – If you’re friends with any coworkers and trust their restraint, feel free to share more. Otherwise, it’s best to stick with an elevator-speech divorce announcement just to keep them in the know and to alert them that you may be having a harder time than usual at work.

Acquaintances and neighbors – Keep it short. Keep it simple. And keep any salacious details out of it. These are often the folks that like to create drama.

 

And When Not to Talk About Your Divorce

 

It’s okay to respond to questions that feel intrusive or that come at inopportune times with, “I’m not wanting to talk about that right now.” You are not required to tell anyone about what you’re going through and when and if you do share, you get to decide how much. However, be careful about being overly private and cautious. When we bottle too much up, the pressure has a tendency to build. When we share our stories, we also share the burden. Allow others to help lighten your load.

A Case of Mistaken Identity

Posted on by stilllearning2b
mistaken identity

My car turned yellow while I was at work today.

As did the car next to it.

And the one next to that.

In fact, the entire parking lot looked like it had been handled by the grubby fingers of a kid after eating off-brand Cheetos.

And all because trees are not subject to public indecency laws.

My body has decided that tree pollen is as threatening as a hostile missile attack. No matter how much I try to talk my immune system out of responding at a code red threat level, I’m summarily ignored as the defenses are rallied.

My students laugh as my “sneezures” interrupt class several times an hour. My husband grumbles as I cough and wheeze in my sleep. And even my dog looks at me funny when my voice suddenly sounds like that of a seventy-year-old chain smoker.

And all because of a case of mistaken identity.

The pollen, as much as I like to curse it, isn’t really my problem.

My problem is in my reaction to the pollen.

My misery is rooted in my body’s inability to distinguish between a perceived threat and an actual one.

Geez, that sure sounds familiar.

My brain has been known to have the same problem.

When I think back on the times my mind has perceived a threat in my now-marriage, I can recognize that it was assuming a full-on attack and preparing for assault when the reality was as harmless as some yellow dust on the windshield.

A case of mistaken identity.

And my problem wasn’t really what my husband did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say.

It was in my (over)reaction to the situation because of a misidentification.

One of the possible approaches to treat allergies is to submit to a series of shots where you’re repeatedly exposed to a small amount of the offending substance. The science isn’t fully known, but it’s suspected that the process helps to “teach” the body that the allergen doesn’t actually mean any harm and there’s no reason to prepare for battle when its presence is detected. The shots often work, although relief frequently takes longer than expected.

That’s sounding familiar again.

Over the past few years, I have had many opportunities to face small iterations of my fears of abandonment and betrayal. At first, my reactions were extreme. But over time (and yes, far more time than I expected), I learned that often what I perceived as a threat was closer to the level of a messy irritant. 

And now that I fall victim to mistaken identity far less often, I have found relief.

As long as I avoid the procreating trees.

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