My Summer Flings

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A reacquaintance…

My whole life, I’ve always been a huge reader. In fact, I did a trip to the PNW with my parents when I was eight that pretty much mirrored the one I did a few weeks ago. However, I hardly remember that trip because I spent the entire time curled in the back of the car with my face in a book. Actually, many books. We stopped at every used book store along the way so that we could sell off one lot and purchase another.

My book consumption dropped alarmingly last school year. It got to the point where I didn’t even bother with the library because I wasn’t able to finish a selection before it disappeared from my Kindle. I can certainly blame some of this on time. It was an all-consuming year at school and yoga absorbed much of what spilled over. Some was due to grief; after losing Tiger, I struggled to focus on the words on the page. I can also attribute some of the decline to my increased use of podcasts; I found myself listening more than reading (which usually accompanies activity for me, not rest). And then of course, some has to be chalked up to just plain habit. Inertia is a bitch.

Since returning from my trip, I’ve been once again devouring books. It feels like returning home. I’d forgotten how much escaping into a well-written novel or intriguing piece of non-fiction can relax me. And I need all of the help with that I can get.

A discovery…

I enjoy music, but I haven’t been one to play music much in the background since high school. With the recent uptick in quality and availability on podcasts (A funny aside here – my ex tried to get me to listen to podcasts for years and I resisted, claiming that my auditory processing sucks. Now, I subscribe to probably fifty of them!), I don’t even listen to music in the car anymore.

Now, I love podcasts. I learn so much and enjoy the intimacy and vulnerability of the conversations. But they do have two downsides for me. First, as I mentioned before, I’m doing something else while I’m listening (walking the dog, running, weeding, doing laundry, etc.), so it’s not restful for my body. What I’m now also realizing is that it’s also not restful for my mind. I need to think, but I also need breaks.

Enter Spotify. I downloaded the app over a year ago to access some of the playlists created by my yoga teachers. I downloaded it, but rarely opened it. Until last weekend. I finally started investing the time and energy into finding and “favoriting” some music that I love.

And now, I not only have a favorites playlist, but I’m also enjoying the daily mixes that Spotify curates for me. Time well spent.

Speaking of curation, I keep getting tempted to try Stitch Fix, but the program isn’t really in my budget. I learned yesterday that ThredUp (an online consignment store) offers a similar box. I filled out the order form and then checked out the reviews before I entered my payment info. From all accounts, it seems like a dud. Oh well, I guess I’ll stick with the free recommendations from my library and Spotify.

A disappointment… 

I enjoy trying out new fitness activities. So when Buti Yoga streamed across my Facebook feed on Monday, I was intrigued. Yesterday, I found a free online “sample” video and gave it a go. It was…weird.

I wasn’t expecting yoga per say, since the facebook ad didn’t look super yogarific. In fact, the routine was a strange mix of yoga, a pole-dancing class and a Jane Fonda video from the 80’s (although the leg warmers and leotards have been replaced with bralettes and booty shorts).

I didn’t get a stretch. My heart rate stayed low. And my booty struggled to achieve some of the prescribed gyrations. And even after an hour long class, I have no residual soreness today.

I guess it’s not for me.

Shame: The Silent Relationship Killer

Posted on by stilllearning2b
shame

Is shame at the root of your relationship problems?

In most discussions of the common relationship killers, the usual suspects are named: infidelity, finances, addiction, abuse, changes in external demands, or a growing distance between the partners. Yet, there is a silent relationship killer that often lurks underneath those commonly listed reasons and is a contributing factors to many reasons cited for a relationship’s demise. A condition that affects many, yet is rarely recognized and even more infrequently discussed.

Shame.

 

Shame is poorly understood; it is often seen as interchangeable with embarrassment. Yet they’re not the same. You’re embarrassed when your zipper fails and you have to resort to staples to get through the day without an inadvertent indecent exposure charge. You’re ashamed when you live and work alongside financially secure people and you’re wearing pilled and tired attire because you cannot afford new clothes. In the first case, the problem is with the item of clothing. In the second scenario, the clothes are only the surface. The real issue is deeper, perhaps a feeling of being unworthy and inferior.

 

Shame tells you that you are not enough. 

 

Shame is a hidden condition. It hides behind happy faces and lives inside enviable homes. It’s often ignored. Frequently misdiagnosed. And almost always malignant, spreading its blight throughout.

The causes of shame are variable and are often embedded in childhood where the message was either explicitly received or inadvertently assumed. The child that feels unwanted can become an adult burdened by shame. Children who are raised around addiction often assume the blame for the disease. Those that face unending criticism or unachievable goals may continue to feel “less than.”

 

Shame strips you of your power. It makes you feel small and vulnerable. 

 

Shame is toxic to relationships. It encourages secret-keeping by insinuating that if revealed, the person will no longer be loved or even accepted. Shame creates distance between the partners as one feels unseen and the other feels excluded. Shame becomes the elephant in the room, unspoken of yet so big that it has its own gravitational pull. Shame says, “You’re not okay. And if people discover that truth, you’ll be discarded.”

 

Shame wants to be hidden because exposure removes its leverage.

 

Holding on to hidden shame is ultimately a losing battle. It grows like dough set out to rise, stubbornly overflowing its barriers. It manifests in unhealthy behaviors, everything from overeating to toxic masculinity.

And many of those unhealthy behaviors are potentially relationship-destroying.

 

Shame and Infidelity

The causes of infidelity are myriad and complex. And shame is a companion to many of those justifications. When someone is feeling shamed, they may be tempted to exert their power wherever they can. It’s a childlike, “I’ll show you,” reaction that can have disastrous consequences. When feeling less than, any attention from somebody who is “forbidden” will be especially attractive, especially if the shame is anchored in ideas around sex (think about the common Madonna/whore complex).

 

Shame and Money

When a child first realizes that their family does not have the same means as the others, it becomes a shameful secret to keep hidden. No matter how much material success is found in adulthood, that early lesson may remain tucked away. For others, this shame begins when a job is lost or when illness steals away the ability to earn. Our culture places a great deal of emphasis on earning power (especially for men), leaving those on the lower end of the spectrum feeling as though they are inferior.

 

Shame and Addiction

This is such a complicated relationship. If addiction is in the family of origin, shame was a constant companion from the beginning. many people try to silence their shame through the use of substances and then the addiction in turn feeds the feelings of shame. Notice that the first step in any twelve step program is braving the influence of the shame and being willing to admit to having a problem.

 

Shame and Abuse

In the typical abuse cycle, the frustration and discontent builds until there is an eruption of fists or angry words. Then, a feeling of shame and regret prompts the abuser to attempt to make amends. Until the energy builds again and the cycle is repeated. The abused also may feel ashamed, believing that they deserved the mistreatment (hint: they don’t).

 

Shame and Distance

It’s impossible to be truly close to someone who is secretly battling shame. They have walled off a huge part of their history and their psyche. They are afraid of letting you in, of letting you see. So instead, they play a role and pretend to be the person they wish they were. And the most unfortunate and unfair part? You will likely be accused of not understanding them even though you have repeatedly tried.

 

Shame does not have to be a permanent condition.

 

In fact, the remedy for shame is actually pretty simple (although far from easy) – talk about it.

Shame tells you that you’re the only one. Talking about it provides the opportunity for you to hear, “Me too.”

Shame tells you that you will be rejected. Supportive comments and reactions allow for you to be seen and accepted.

Shame tells you that you have to carry the burden alone. Sharing it means that the load is dispersed.

Shame tells you that you’re broken.

Revealing the cracks lets the healing light in.

 

Are you struggling with moving on? Life at the Intersection of Yesterday and Tomorrow is for you.

 

 

Don’t Get Married Before You Can Answer “Yes” to These Ten Questions!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Marriage is a big step. A significant commitment. To help ensure that you’re making the right decision for you, make sure that you can answer “yes” to these ten questions before you say “yes” to marriage!

1 – Can you be alone?

If you are afraid of being alone, how do you know that you’re acting from a place of love rather than making decisions based on fear? Ideally, you’ve had some adult years on your own so that you learn what you’re capable of and you feel secure with yourself.

 

2 – Are you more in love with the person than you are with the idea of being married?

It’s easy to feel pressure to get married and to desire the sense of security and stability that often accompany marriage. As a result, sometimes you can be in love with the idea of being married more than you are in love with the person.

 

3 – Do you have your own life?

Do you have your own interests? Friends? Thoughts and opinions? A healthy marriage is own of interdependence, not dependence. Ensure that you’re positioned to maintain your independence. 

 

4 – Have you met their people?

Not only are we drawn to people that mirror our beliefs, we have a tendency to become more like those that we spend time with. Make sure that you have spent time with the people that your partner chooses to associate with.

 

5 – Have you had (and continue to have) the difficult conversations?

In order to have a thriving marriage, both you are your spouse have to be able to say things (with kindness and compassion) that you know will hurt your partner. It’s important to have these conversations before marriage to ensure that you’re on the same page and to practice speaking and hearing hard truths.

 

6 – Can you accept them even if they never change?

When you say “I do,” you’re effectively signing that you accept this person as they are. Whatever qualities and characteristics they have (even the ones that drive you crazy) are grandfathered in. It’s unfair to both of you to expect anything different.

 

7 – Do you have a growth mindset about marriage?

The marriage you have on the day you say, “I do” is not the same marriage you will have ten years down the road. You will change. Your partner will change (and not necessarily in the ways you want). A healthy marriage is one that can grow and adapt throughout the years.

 

8 – Are your expectations about marriage reasonable?

We often ask too much of marriage and can easily end up disappointed or even angry when reality fails to match our mental picture. Read over these sixteen common misconceptions about marriage and make sure that your expectations are attainable.

 

9 – Are you prepared to contribute more than 50% to the marriage?

There will be times when you are responsible for carrying most of the emotional weight in the relationship. And at times, the load will shift to your partner. Even when the contributions are relatively equal, it’s common for each person to feel as though they are providing more than their share. Make sure you’re ready for that responsibility.

 

10 – Do you see and respect your potential spouse as an individual?

Yes, this person will become your wife or husband. But before that and after that, they are still their own independent person.  They will have different views, goals and perspectives than you. It doesn’t mean that one of you is right and the other wrong, it simply indicates that you are two autonomous beings that are choosing to spend your lives together.

 

 

Five Experiences EVERY Kid Should Have

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I have now earned the moniker “adventure momma.” Last year, I took my dear friend’s daughter (then eight) on a zip line/aerial course with the promise that, if she enjoyed herself, it would become an annual occurrence. She enjoyed herself.

This year, when I presented her with the option of again doing the “kid” course from last year or the level one adult course, she bravely chose the latter. I think she started to get a little nervous when she noticed that she was the only person under sixteen in the group of thirty or so in the training and gear-up area. I knew she was nervous once we climbed three stories of stairs to the start of the course. And her fears were evident to everyone when she held tightly to a bolt on the tree on the first platform as the zip liners caused the small landing to sway dramatically.

But never once did she consider backing down. Bolstered by my reminders of how awesome she did last year, the continued instruction from the guide and the expressed nervousness of the adult man behind me, she took a leap of faith. And then another. Each time, holding onto the tree a little less and smiling a little more.

One man in the group, an active marine, looked reticent at having a nervous nine-year-old in his group. At the end, he approached her with a high five and dubbed her a superstar.

That’s an experience every child should have.

Not necessarily the zip lining (although as an “adventure momma,” I full support this activity!), but the opportunity to do something that is scary and feel the satisfaction and confidence on the other side.

 

The following are five experiences that EVERY kid should have by the age of ten:

 

1 – Time Outside Their Comfort Zone

One of the more common – and frustrating – ways that kids become entrenched in their comfort zones is with food. Once they have decided that they like Kraft Mac and cheese or chicken nuggets, it can feel like trying to engineer a habitat on Mars to get them to try something new. One mom I know recently started the family on Purple Carrot, a vegetarian meal delivery service that offers unique and creative vegetable-based recipes.  Her son picks out the biweekly meals and is now excited to try new foods.

Here’s the thing with comfort zones – the more time you spend in them, the harder it becomes to take a step outside of them. If kids are raised without every being encouraged (okay, sometimes pushed) outside their comfort zone, they will become an adult who is afraid to try new things or take any risks.

Depending upon the personality of your child, this journey outside their comfort zone may be quite a struggle for both of you, but the long-term payoffs are worth the short-term frustration.

 

2 – Occasion to Struggle

As a parent, one of your strongest motivations is to keep your children safe and happy. This noble instinct means that you’ll give up your life for them, but it also means that sometimes you may shelter them too much from their own life.

As a teacher, I constantly have to fight the impulse to give a child the answer or to expedite the process by simply doing some task for a kid (try teaching new middle-schoolers how to open their lockers some time – it’s an exercise in extreme patience!). I resist the urge, because I know that bypassing the struggle also means bypassing the learning.

It’s not easy watching a child grapple with something until their frustration reaches a boiling point. It can be so tempting to step in with your greater wisdom and experience and solve a problem for them instead of stepping back and letting them try on their own. We often want to create so many guidelines and boundaries for them that they have no choice but to follow a predetermined and manicured path.

Yet struggle is exactly what builds strength. Confidence. Resilience.

Let them try. They will fail sometimes. And that’s okay.

 

3 – Practice With Failure

Brock showed me a video on his facebook feed the other day. It showed a young girl attempting to jump onto a high platform with the encouragement of her father in the background. She tries and fails to stick the landing many times. At one point, you can see her frustration starting to grow and her father steps in and gives her a little pep talk. She nails the next attempt.

This young girl’s muscles indicate that she is training for some sort of gymnastics, but her attitude towards failure shows that, more importantly, she is training for life.

Failure is a certainty. When it is delayed for too long, coming first in later childhood or even adulthood, it comes as quite a shock and can easily be interpreted as, “I am a failure.” By exposing young kids to repeated failure, it normalizes the experience and lessens its power.

Along with failing to achieve their personal goals, kids will experience losing to others that are smarter or more talented (or just luckier) than they are. This can become a great opportunity to expose them to fact that life isn’t fair.

 

4 – Opportunity to Accept That Life is Unfair

Kids have a tendency to see the world in black and white. If you’re a benevolent character, things will go your way in the long run. If you’re the villain, you will eventually get what’s coming to you. Playing by the rules will allow you to win and breaking the rules always leads to consequences.

As adults, we know it’s not that simple. Some of the kindest souls in the world have been subject to seemingly endless tragedies. Many bad guys find success, even as they harm others to reach their goals. Sometimes the hardest worker is passed up for the raise and the best friend is left in the dust.

Life isn’t fair. It’s up to us to help our kids understand this basic truth so that they do not carry forth with unrealistic expectations. Included in this lesson is the idea that kindness is never wasted and by giving to others, we can help to lift the lives of all.

 

5 – Episodes of Altruism Without Expectation

My favorite day of the school year is one that we dub our day of giving. The entire faculty  joins with the student body and hundreds of parent volunteers to participate in community service projects. It’s always a magical day as the students first realize how much need there is in our own suburban community and then feel accomplished by helping to meet those needs.

Giving to others shapes kids in many ways. It teaches them compassion for others and helps them to respect those that may live differently than they do. It shows them that small acts can have great consequences and that when we work together, we can achieve even greater things. By engaging in altruistic acts without expectation of reward, we encourage them to develop integrity and the importance of doing the right thing even when no one is watching.

 

By ensuring that your kids have had these experiences, you are raising them to be strong, resilient and compassionate. All these qualities will continue to serve them well far into the future.

 

Have your kids had to experience divorce? Here are the vital lessons that divorce teaches children. 

 

 

Feeling Crazy After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b