Three Questions to Ask Yourself to Extinguish Your Divorce Anger

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The anger bubbled to the surface, blistering under the broiler that was the financial mess my first husband gifted to me in the divorce. Every month, as I made payments I struggled to afford towards debt that he had accrued, my body would respond with a vicious energy and my mind would rail against the unfairness of it all.

That anger was poison roiling inside me, its caustic nature wearing away at me, in some ways causing even more damage than he had done with his reckless spending and deliberate betrayals.

Whenever somebody pointed out that my anger was only hurting me, I grew defensive and, yes, angry. “I’m justified to feel this way!” I would insist. “He did these things and left me to clean up his mess. It’s not fair!”

And I was right.

But so were they.

He may have initiated my anger through his actions, but it was now my responsibility to eradicate my own rage.

Here are the questions I asked myself along with the answers I arrived at that finally allowed me to release my anger:

Why do I feel angry?

I feel foolish.

We all like to think of ourselves as smart, as aware. When we hear about incidents befalling others, we find comfort in the idea that it couldn’t happen to us because we’re too perceptive. So when it does happen to us, we feel like a chump.

Maybe you’re embarrassed about your mate selection, only now realizing how poorly you picked. Perhaps you were betrayed and you didn’t pick up on the signs of the infidelity. Or now you believe you married too young, or didn’t heed the red flags or made choices that led to the derailment of your marriage.

There’s a reason that public embarrassment provides the spark for many grade school fights  – we don’t like the vulnerability and shame that feeling foolish provokes, so we respond by turning the tables and attacking back.

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It’s not fair.

“After all that I did for him, this is how he repays me???”

But there are no scorecards in life, no playground monitors ensuring that everybody gets their turn or Hollywood directors carefully crafting an ending. And so most things don’t fall into our vision of “fair.”

The anger here comes from the disconnect between our expectations (that if we do good, good should come back) and reality (both good and bad happen to us all).

I wasted my time.

When a marriage ends, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that all of the time and energy that went into the relationship was a waste, thrown out like milk turned sour.

And that is time that you can never recoup.  Opportunities that were passed by that may never come around again.

When my ex left, I found myself questioning all of the major decisions I made while we were together and blaming him for all of my choices. Choices I would have made differently if I had known the end result.

Is the Time Spent in a “Failed” Marriage Wasted?

Why did they act this way?

 

He acted to protect himself rather than to try to wound me.

This realization was probably the single most important factor in my ability to finally let go of the anger. I had been envisioning him as some sort of malevolent conductor, carefully orchestrating my undoing.

It took time for me to depersonalize it all and to see it from his perspective. He was acting to try to alleviate his own pain and in turn, carelessly caused mine.

Selfish? Absolutely.

But not a targeted attack.

He was too cowardly to face things.

I certainly would have preferred a sit down talk about the state of our finances and marriage to abandonment and embezzlement, but he wasn’t capable of that kind of honesty at that point.

It takes courage to face hard truths and to have difficult conversations. Often when people behave poorly in a marriage, they lack that courage and instead express themselves in a more passive-aggressive (and often more destructive) manner.

He was damaged and may have been coping the best he knew how.

I started to see him as a scared and wounded child, putting together the pieces I knew of his past and his family.  I saw the shame that drove him deeper into the shadows. I learned of the depth of the addictions that drove his lies. I saw the overwhelming darkness that he became lost in, choking on the very cloak he tried to hide behind.

And I softened towards him. It didn’t excuse his actions, they were still unpardonable and it didn’t lessen the damage he caused. But it did help to take away some of the sting that stirred the anger.

How can I release the anger?

 

Be grateful.

With every payment I made towards the debt he amassed, I wrote down one thing I was grateful for in my current life. At the beginning, this exercise was a challenge, sometimes requiring more than an hour for one positive entry to cross my mind.

But in time, it became easy. Faced with that tangible list of positives every month, I could see my new and better life growing in front of my eyes. It was still a high price to pay, but I was determined to make sure the payments weren’t going to be made in vain.

Compose a letter.

I started journaling the week my ex left, the pages a silent receptacle for the pain and anger welling up inside me. At the same time, I composed letters to him, alternately screaming and crying. I sent two of those, the rest I kept.

The purging felt good. Necessary.

But it didn’t alleviate the anger.

Until I wrote a very particular one – the letter that I wanted to receive from him.

As you can imagine, it felt strange at first writing this. But soon, the awkwardness faded and the tears came. Healing tears, tears of mourning and yet acceptance.

I read that letter frequently the first year, the words feeling real. And isn’t that what matters?

Work to right the wrongs. 

Anger demands action.

I identified the primary sources of my anger towards the situation and actively worked to address each in turn.

I felt foolish, so I decided to counteract that embarrassment by sharing my story and helping others know that they were not alone.

I felt like it was unfair, so I found ways to earn money out of the experience and used those resources to help pay for the debt he incurred.

I felt angry about the time spent with him and the decisions I made with the marriage in mind, so I focused on celebrating the positives that came out of those times and choices.

I was justified in my anger.

But that didn’t mean I needed to keep it.

5 Tips For Managing Your Pre-Divorce Anxiety

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often speak of divorce as if it is a single act, a sudden switch from partnered to single. As though there is no time elapsed between the decision to split and the final seal pressed into the decree.

But divorce doesn’t operate that way. Months or even years pass between the resolve and the resolution. And that period of time when you’re both preparing for and anticipating the divorce can be the hardest stretch to navigate.

It’s a weird space where you no longer occupy your former life yet you are limited in exploring your new world. And it’s a scary place, filled with the unknowns of the legal proceedings and the overwhelming uncertainty of the future.

Educate Yourself 

If you’re like most people, you don’t know much about divorce until you’re in the middle of it. Take this time to learn all you can about the laws in your state and the resources that are available to you.

Read up on your legal options before you discuss your plans with your attorney. Familiarize yourself with the role of mediation in your district. Make sure you understand the scope – and the limitations – of the decree and its associated documents. The legal process is confusing and expensive. The more you know ahead of time, the clearer your decisions will be and the more money you can keep in your pocket.

Research local divorce support groups. Even if you never attend, it’s good to know it’s there if you need it. If you’re worried about being able to make ends meet, look into sliding scale services and programs designed to help you get back on your feet. Investigation new child-care or transportation options for your kids if you anticipate changes in those needs. Energy spent researching what is at hand is never wasted because the knowledge will help you sleep at night.

My own biggest obstacle during this period was financial in nature. I felt a little better after securing a bankruptcy attorney and exploring that option. I ultimately decided that it was not the appropriate route, but just having that information at hand was comforting.

Consider the Worst That Could Happen

I generally advocate focusing on the positive. But that’s hard to do when you’re in marital limbo and you have no idea what your life is going to look like a year from now. And there’s actually a benefit to spending some time exploring the worst case scenarios.

Start by brainstorming – on paper or on your device – the worst possible outcomes of your divorce: bankruptcy, losing custody, being alone forever, etc. Give yourself a time limit of five minutes to jot these down without analysis or censoring.

Then, address each one in turn with what you coulddo if that fear does come to fruition. Keep these brief and don’t worry about the details or the roadblocks. It’s just important that these actions are possible even after the worst has happened. Limit yourself to no more than twenty minutes to write your responses.

My own “worst that could happen” list looked something like this:

Fear: I could end up homeless.

Response: I had several friends and family members willing to take me in.

Fear: I could be ordered to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars I didn’t have.

Response: I still had a job and I could work out payment plans.

Fear: My destroyed credit would prevent me from being able to move on.

Response: Most of those things would drop off in seven years and I could work to rebuild my credit.

And all of those things did happen to some extent. And when they did, I learned that none of them were as bad as I had feared.

Be careful not to spend too much time contemplating the worst that could happen, as this will only intensity your anxiety. Instead, visit it just long enough to brainstorm your possible responses and then make an effort to shift your thoughts elsewhere.

Set Time Aside Each Week to Deal With Legal Stuff

Steel yourself. There will be paperwork. And emails. And phone calls. And then more paperwork. All of the evidence-gathering and form-filling and decision-making can be extremely draining and anxiety producing (especially when the envelope contains a bill from your attorney!).

Designate a time once or twice a week when you handle the non-critical divorce related tasks. Ideally (and obnoxiously), one of these needs to be during normal working hours so that you have access to lawyers, bankers and government agencies.

You can even take it a step further if you don’t want divorce-related news intruding when you’re not prepared and designate a new email account just for the business of divorce. Just be careful to check it frequently in case there is some time-sensitive information that you need to attend to.

At first, I read every email, opened every envelope and answered every phone call as soon as I could. The news was often distressing and as a result, would cloud my entire day. Once I cordoned off a portion of time to deal with the informational flood, I found that I felt much more in control and wasn’t as impacted on a daily basis.

You can’t control what’s in the oncoming message, but you can manage when and in what circumstances you receive it.

Be Mindful of Who You Surround Yourself With

“How are you ever going to manage the kids and the household on your own?”

“Your ex has always been so selfish. I bet she’s going to try to take you to the cleaners.”

“You are so strong, I couldn’t handle what you’re going through.”

You hear it all while you’re divorcing. Some comments are well-meaning, but can still miss the mark and drive up your anxiety in the process. Others come from a place of curiosity and dwell on the salacious details that you would rather forget. And then there are those people that always seem to be critical whose words fuel your own negative narratives.

People will likely approach you with their own divorce stories, some of with would be best classified in the horror genre. Much as you would consider other’s childbirth stories while pregnant, take these divorce tales with a grain of salt. Their experience is not yours.

Be especially mindful of who you surround yourself with. Find those that balance your intense emotions rather than amplify them. Seek out friendships with people that are generally positive and proactive. Borrow some of their sunshine on the days when you’re struggling to find it yourself. And when a well-meaning person says the wrong thing, talk to them. They can’t learn to respond any better unless you help them understand your perspective.

Divorce has a way of sifting your true friends from the hangers-on. Not all will make it through and those additional losses are not always easy. Yet you also know that the friends who are still by your side are there for right reasons.

While You’re Waiting… Live!

 Your attorney has probably advised you not to make any major purchases, adjust your beneficiaries, speak out on social media or openly date. The period of time approaching divorce can be a frustrating limbo as you wait for the legal permission to act.

But that’s no reason to put your entire life on hold. The law doesn’t restrict your ability to make a new friend, sign up for a class, enjoy a sunset, treat yourself to dessert at your favorite restaurant, flirt with the dogs at adoption day, volunteer at a food bank or tackle a new skill. Instead of thinking about what you can’t do, focus on what you can.

This difficult period does have an expiration date. You’ll make it through. Just keep your mind on where you want to be and put one foot in front of the other.

Learning to Trust Again: How to Deal With the Triggers

Posted on by stilllearning2b
triggers

“Will I ever learn to trust again?” I implored of my dad after receiving the surprise text that my husband had left the marriage and left the state. At that point, I was concerned about learning to trust somebody else after being the victim of horrendous gaslighting and betrayal.

It was only months later that I realized the true concern was not trusting others, rather I needed to know if it was possible to learn to trust myself and my own perceptions again. I kept questioning my responses to situations, wondering if I was listening to my intuition or overreacting because the circumstances triggered memories created by the earlier trauma.

Determined not be deceived again, I started paying more attention to my emotions and gut reactions to a situation. However, I was also aware that my emotions were not always rational and were prone to sending out false alarms since they were still raw from the betrayal. Before giving credence to my emotional responses, I learned to ask myself the following questions to determine if they were a reaction to something in the present moment or if they were simply an emotional echo from the past:

Is my response disproportionate to the situation?

It was just a silly argument over a coffeepot with my now-husband in our early days of dating. But my body saw it as life or death. I don’t even remember the details, but I do remember that the intensity of my response scared me. My body felt as though electricity was coursing through my vessels, charging my limbs so that I was prepared to fight or flee.

In reality, there was no danger. Not only was I physically safe, but this event did not even register on the relationship threat scale. My overreaction had nothing at all to do with the present moment and everything to do with the trauma in my past.

Am I experiencing a sense of déjà vu?

Shortly before our wedding, my now-husband detailed to me his plans for turning the basement into a home theater. As he was going over the floorplan and the modifications that would be needed, I was transported to a similar discussion with my first husband when he decided to build himself an office in the basement. An office that soon became the headquarters for his deceptions.

The whole time the basement theater was taking shape, I felt like I was occupying two locations in time and space. As much as I tried to stay present with the excitement of the theater, my fears kept pulling me back to the moment when I discovered the extent of my first husband’s lies hidden within his below-ground office.

 

Am I feeling like I’m out of control? 

When I discovered that my first husband had been living a double life and, by extension, I had been living a fabricated one, I entered free fall. It’s a disorienting feeling to realize that you’ve been manipulated for so long. When I’m triggered, my thoughts begin to spiral out of control. My mind will race from one thing to the next and it’s like the air has been bled from my normal self-soothing pathways.

I’ve learned that this out-of-body reaction only occurs when something takes me back to those early moments of utter and complete panic. When I’m responding to something solely anchored in the present day, my feet remain firmly anchored on the ground and I feel in control of my emotions and my responses.

 

 

Am I reaching premature conclusions?

Perhaps in a desperate attempt to never be deceived again, my subconscious brain began to assign reasons to any single point of data, no matter how inconsequential or likely benign. It was the equivalent of a hypochondriac assuming that a headache must be the result of a fatal brain tumor, rather than first addressing the much likelier causes of dehydration or too much caffeine.

When trying to ascertain if a perceived threat was real, I learned to list, in writing, the facts and only the facts. This helped me see if I was reaching a logical conclusion based on the available information or if I took a leap of panic into the worst-case scenario.

 

 

Am I assuming malicious intentions?

One of the hallmarks of over responding to a stimulus is taking everything as a personal affront. Whenever I find myself taking things too personally and assuming that it is a directed attack towards me, I know now that I’m really reacting to what has happened in the past.

A key way that this used to manifest in my new relationship is whenever my husband would be more reserved or withdrawn, I immediately assumed that I was the reason for the distance and that he was pulling away intentionally. This hypothesis would then be accepted even without any evidence to support it.

 

 

The more I answered, “Yes” to these questions, the more likely my response was rooted in the past and had little to do with my present situation. I also understood that continuing to have an emotional reaction to these situations would have a detrimental impact on my present life. And it was my responsibility to learn how to neutralize the triggers and my responses.

One event in particular highlighted the progress I was making on deactivating my triggers. It was shortly after my now-husband and I married. While at work, I received a notification that money had been transferred out of a joint gift account in the amount of $500, a little less than half what was available. The alert did not specify where the money moved.

My stomach dropped as my brain raced back to the memory of examining the account records after my ex left, where I discovered countless transfers in the $500 range. Transfers to accounts that I did not have access to. My emotional response in the present was telling me to panic, that this was a sign of deception and marital fraud all over again.

But this time, I stayed in control. I focused on the facts: my now-husband had never shown any signs of betrayal, I had the vast majority of my funds in my name only and so I wasn’t at the same risk as before, and all I knew was that the money had moved. Resisting the urge to make this my husband’s problem, I took a few deep breaths and continued my day.

Once I arrived home, I pulled up the account on my computer. The money had been moved into our joint savings account, as we had previously agreed. The amount was determined by limits set by the bank. What my triggers had assumed was deception was, in reality, an act of kindness.

And that’s the problem with triggers. They conclude guilt and demand proof of innocence. Deactivating them lies in believing first in decency yet also keeping the eyes open to signs of dishonesty or hostility. Trust in your perceptions but verify before assuming.

How to Handle Being Alone After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

And suddenly it hits you.

Maybe the kids are bed and the house is quiet. Too quiet.

Perhaps you’re filling out a form and asked to list your emergency contact. You only catch yourself after you start to write your ex’s name.

Or, you’re out running errands on a Saturday afternoon when you notice that everybody seems to be coupled up.  Happily coupled up.

Regardless of the circumstances, that sudden sensation of being alone after divorce hits like a slug to the gut, taking your breath and leaving you dizzy and disoriented. A sensation of being adrift at sea on an isolated raft.

But the good news is that you’re not helpless. There are ways to both learn how to accept being alone and concurrent changes you can make to reduce the loneliness.

To cultivate acceptance…

 

Reframe What It Means to Be Single

When I found myself suddenly single in my thirties surrounded by a sea of married suburbanites, I felt like a shamed outcast (even if only in my mind). So I actively sought examples to redefine what singlehood meant.

I considered a family friend, never married and yet never held back. She bought a house, traveled the world and cultivated friendships all without a partner by her side. I looked up to a woman at work who had divorced many years before and had chosen to remain single because she discovered she liked the autonomy. Although her dogs were her only companions, her life was anything but empty.

I read books and watched movies that featured single protagonists that were at once both powerful and fulfilled. Even while I was still crying into my pillow every night, I was collecting inspiring quotes about singlehood.

Reject the idea that single means alone. Yes, it may feel lonely now, but that’s only because you are new to this space and are still finding your way.

Replace that image of the lonely old cat lady with one of the badass heroine of your choice. Reject the idea of the sad over-forty divorced man at the bar with an image of someone who chooses to live outside of life’s rules. Rather than molding yourself into society’s definition of single, find a way to make single work for you.

 

 

Celebrate Your Independence

Do you want to paint the kitchen green? Go for it! Considering buying that too-expensive, but oh-so-good marinade from the specialty store? Why not? Tempted to spend the day in your sweats and eat cereal for dinner? No problem. You are an independent adult that can now make most decisions without consulting another adult.

After living with my first husband for almost fourteen years, I had grown accustomed to always thinking about and considering his needs and preferences before I made a decision. And even while I was still acutely missing our marriage, I was having fun exploring my own desires without the need for compromise.

Enjoy the freedom you now have to make decisions on your own. Just ensure that in doing so, you are not hurting your children or yourself.

 

Embrace the Table For One

It’s all too easy to hit the bar scene or the dating app when you’re feeling lonely. After all, it’s only logical that having someone by your side (or in your bed) will reduce the feeling of isolation.

However, the unfortunate truth is that those casual connections can actually make us feel more alone. When you’re around someone that doesn’t really know you, you’re not truly being seen and accepted for who you are. And that inauthenticity can be a horrible feeling, as though you’re quarantined in a public square.

More steady relationships can also amplify the feeling of loneliness because you’re comparing where you are with them in the early stages to where you were with your ex after years together. And it’s not the same.

Instead of trying to fill that void with casual flings, find things that you enjoy doing by yourself, for yourself. Yes, it can feel weird at first. But it gets easier in time.

 

To reduce the loneliness…

 

 

Plan For the Loneliest Moments

Sometimes the loneliness will catch you unaware. Yet much of the more difficult moments can be anticipated. Take some time to think through what situations, locations or dates might be challenging for you and plan your approach.

For example, maybe your ex takes the kids every other weekend. Without a plan, you could find yourself alone on Friday night in an empty and lifeless house. However, if you know ahead of time that you’re going out to your favorite exercise class and out for brunch with your friends the morning after, the weekend feels a little more like a vacation and a little less like solitary confinement.

Here are some more ideas on how to plan for the loneliest moments after divorce.

 

Practice Vulnerability  

After divorce, most of us curl up inside ourselves like a snail seeking shelter. It’s a natural response to pain. Yet, if allowed to go on too long, that defense mechanism becomes a contributing factor to loneliness. Because unless and until we are willing to be open, we will always feel isolated from others.

Find ways to practice vulnerability in a safe space. This can be through therapy, where you confide in a professional. It can be within the context of a good friendship. It can even be cultivated through visits to a massage therapist, where you acclimate to receiving non-sexual touch.

If not addressed, that retreat from discomfort will eventually become a habit, leading towards loneliness even in the case of a new relationship. Strive to continually practice vulnerability with others so that you can experience connections on a deeper level.

 

Refrain From Isolation

Since I lost my house in the divorce, I needed to find another place to stay. Although I was drawn to getting a small apartment by myself, I knew that decision would be a mistake since it would be too easy to isolate myself. Instead, I moved in with a friend and her family. It’s hard to feel too alone when you’re sharing living spaces.

One of the most devastating elements of loneliness is the feeling that you don’t matter. That you could exit the world today and no one would even notice. So make an impact. Join a volunteer organization. Become a Big Brother or Big Sister. Spend time with the elderly at a retirement home and gain wisdom from their stories. Or, register to rock newborns in the nursery and gain hope from their innocent eyes.

Ultimately, loneliness is a choice. And inaction is choosing to remain isolated.

So if you’re feeling lonely, do something.

Reach out.

Nurture connections.

And get busy.

Divorce can make you lonely.

But you don’t have to stay there.

So Your Ex Wants to Be Friends?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I want us to be friends.”

This little sentence shows up on your phone alongside your ex’s name. It’s a simple sentence, yet the implications and possible repercussions are anything but straightforward.

You start to reply. Then you reconsider and delete your initial response. What should you say?

Before you make a decision about your ex’s desire to be friends after divorce, ask yourself these questions:

How long has it been since the divorce?

There are no hard and fast rules here. Some people can be friendly with their exes throughout the divorce process and others still can’t be in the same room even decades later.

Yet there is something to be said for instituting a “you keep to your life and I’ll keep to mine” rule during the divorce and for a year or so after. That distance helps both of you create the separation needed to be able to move forward and encourages the release of interdependency. Time allows any romantic feelings or residual resentment to fade, creating a blanker canvas where friendship may be able to grow.

 

Was the decision to divorce mutual or one-sided?

“I want to move in with my affair partner but I still want to be friends” is a very different situation than an agreed-upon divorce after years of growing apart. A mutual decision to divorce may in fact have been reached because over time, the marriage transitioned into more of a friendship.

If you have been dumped, you may recoil at the very thought of remaining friendly with your ex. Or conversely, you may find that you jump at the chance of a friendship with the unspoken hope that it may evolve into something more. If the decision to divorce was one-sided, there is an imbalance that may preclude friendship, at least for a time.

 

Are you working to establish a co-parenting relationship with your ex?

A productive co-parenting relationship is analogous to a connection with a coworker. It’s two people who have negotiated boundaries and expectations in order to effectively manage external tasks and demands. This takes time to figure out and during this period of trial and error, it’s often best to try to minimize the emotional involvement.

And just like friendships at work can be tricky, adding an element of friendship to a new co-parenting relationship can complicate matters. It’s one thing to be frustrated at your child’s other parent for failing to follow through on a promised plan, but it’s something else entirely when that person is also a confidant.

If, however, your co-parenting relationship is established and functional, you may find that the addition of a friendship is beneficial to the larger family and that you’re able to successfully negotiate any issues that arise.

 

Do you have any physical sensations of stress or attraction when you’re around your ex?

Do butterflies of excitement begin to flutter when you see your ex’s car pull up? Or instead, do you find that you begin to develop a headache whenever they’re around?

These physical signs are an indication that you are still emotionally tied to your ex, either positively or negatively. Either of these makes beginning a friendship a dangerous game to play because you’re only intensifying the emotional connection.

 

Do you find that talking to your ex brings down your mood or leads to a sense of anxiety?

Maybe you feel fine when you’re with your ex only to become snappy with the kids later. Perhaps you realize that a night spent tossing and turning always seems to follow contact. Or possibly a general sense of malaise comes on the tail of every visit.

Friends should make you feel better. If you end up feeling worse, maybe “friend” isn’t the best label to assign.

 

Is a friendship with your ex preventing you from moving on with your post-divorce life?

Some friendships with the ex develop out of a sense of loneliness and expediency. It’s much easier to fall back into a relationship with someone you know than to put forth the effort and risk the vulnerability with someone new. However, these types of convenience and comfort-based friendships can also be limiting, acting as anchors that are keeping you tied to your past.

 

Does your ex have a history of manipulation and/or deception?

If so, you’re on tricky ground here. Perhaps your ex wants to be friends in order to maintain a sense of control over you. Maybe they want to be close so that they can continue to manipulate your thoughts and actions.

These people have a tendency to be charmers, so this bid for friendship may feel especially attractive, particularly if they have rejected you in the past. Proceed with caution here. Once you’re close, it becomes difficult to perceive any deceptions and attempts to control.

 

Is this bid for friendship coming on the heels of a major post-divorce milestone?

Has your ex just celebrated a major birthday? Or did their mother just get diagnosed with cancer? Did the youngest child just graduate high school? Did you just announce your engagement?

If the proposal of friendship came soon after a major life event, take some time to consider the motivation. It may be completely innocuous, such as the death of a loved one prompting a greater sense of mortality. Or it could be calculating, such as looking for someone to act as nurse during their convalescence.

 

How have you (or will you) responded to the news that your ex is seeing someone new?

Part of being a friend is celebrating the good news of the other person. Anygood news, even if it results in a new romantic partner. Can you honestly celebrate their budding romance? If not, friendship may be premature.

On the flipside, can your ex handle your new partner gracefully? A friend that will give you honest feedback is great. But one that will veto every catch out of lingering jealousy is not.

 

Do you want to have a friendship with your ex?

If you had no history with your ex and you met them in a coffee shop, would you be interested in starting a friendship? Do you still enjoy time with your ex? Are you willing and able to let go of the past in order to establish a larger family unit that consists (or may eventually consist) of new partners and new children?

Because that’s what it ultimately comes down to. There are no rules that dictate the type of relationship you have with your ex. If you want to be friends, accept the offer. If you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with saying no and deleting the request.