Speechless

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I didn’t think it was possible for me to be rendered speechless about my ex-husband.

I was wrong.

 

By this point (almost ten years since he disappeared), I’ve grieved, processed and moved on. I’ve been asked clueless questions, been blamed for his actions and deflected insensitive remarks.

But this one got me.

It came from someone that I haven’t seen in about 15 years but who was aware of the changes in my marital status through Facebook.

“You first husband was quite a hunk,” she leaned in to tell me. Prior to this, we had been discussing her life updates.

“Uhhh…” I sputtered, taken aback and unsure how to respond.

Finally, I recovered a bit and realized that she may be the one person in my circle that didn’t hear the story or see it on the news when it occurred.

“I guess he was. But the bigamy he committed pretty much soured that for me.”

“Yeah, you really loved him,” she replied, “I still remember how you were together at that dinner theater thing we all went to.”

“I had forgotten all about that.” Which was not only the truth, but also a hint to the fact that I’d rather keep it that way.

Once we parted ways, all I could do was shake my head in disbelief.

Speechless.

 

 

You’re Not Ready to Date Until You Have These 7 Things In Place!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I put the cart before the horse when it came to dating after divorce. I invited dates to take part in the drama that my ex husband directed. I looked to my partner for the day for emotional support and validation that I was desirable even after being rejected. And I even allowed my date’s views of me to shape my own self-image.

Overall, I made the experience much harder than it needed to be because I didn’t have these seven things in place before I started dating:

 

The Volume Turned Down On the Drama

“Can you believe my ex said that? He is such a narcissist.”

“She didn’t show up at school to pick up the kids. Again.”

“I saw her in his Facebook feed again. Ugh. She’s young enough to be his daughter.”

Divorce brings with it immense change and overwhelming emotion. And when those two collide, drama is sure to ensue. And even though the theatrics are often negative, it is easy to habituate to the intensity and excitement until drama becomes the norm.

If your life currently resembles an episode of reality television, it is not yet time to craft a profile on OKCupid. Rather than acting as a stabilizing influence, bringing somebody into an unstable environment only accentuates the turmoil. Wait until your life is more documentary and less Real Housewives before you enter the dating scene.

A Supportive and Diverse Friend Group

 

There is no doubt about it – divorce is isolating and can often leave you feeling lonely and rejected. It can be so tempting to turn to dating to meet your social and emotional needs, to feel loved and lovable.

Yet, if you approach dating with this need front and center, you will find that you are unsuccessful in attracting emotional healthy people. Additionally, you are placing an unfair share of your needs at the feet of another.

Before you focus on dating, spend time and energy building and fostering your platonic friend group. Your goal is to have all of your social requirements met so that when you do date, it’s out of want, not driven from need.

Time and Energy to Spare

 

First you have to write your dating profile or make an effort to get out of your usual circles. Then come the early exchanges, the tentative assessments of potential compatibility and shared interests. This is followed by the actual date, filled with nerves and expectations.

And that’s only the beginning. Dating requires a consistent supply of time and energy. And both of those can be in short supply in the early stages of divorce. Before you begin dating, ensure that you have the space and enthusiasm to accommodate it in your life.

A Passion Project or Engrossing Hobby

 

When we experience a void in our lives (such as after divorce), it is easy to become obsessive in the drive to fill the emptiness. And if you don’t have something in your life that brings you joy and a sense of accomplishment, it’s easy to turn that all-consuming drive towards dating. Often with disastrous consequences.

So before you attempt to fill that emptiness with another person, take the time to find some activity or cause that you are passionate about. Throw yourself into for a time. Use that opportunity to discover (or rediscover) what makes you tick and what makes you special. And then later, when you begin dating, you’re looking to be complemented, not completed.

A Counselor or Other Emotional Outlet

 

Your date is not your therapist.

When triggers arise or emotions become overwhelming, it is critical that you already have a safe and supportive place to vent and receive guidance. You can certainly be open with your date about your experiences and your past history, but refrain from unloading the emotion on them. That’s not their role.

Prior to accepting or asking for that first date, make sure you have your support system in place and that you’re practiced with turning to them for help.

 

Belief That You Can Be In a Healthy Relationship

 

Seems obvious, doesn’t it? Yet obvious doesn’t always happen. It can be tempting to turn to dating as a distraction from the pain and loneliness of divorce. Sometimes we find ourselves “sliding” into a relationship without much foresight or intention.

And when these happen, the change in status can come before the conviction that you can be in a healthy relationship. Which often means that you find yourself in a partnership that is toxic at worst and unfulfilling at best.

Spend time defining what a “healthy” relationship looks like to you and cultivating the traits needed to make it a reality before you act.

Self Worth and a Realistic Self-Image

 

It feels great when a stranger complements your appearance or a date makes you feel desirable. Especially after the rejection and uncertainty surrounding divorce, that attention is affirming and confidence-building.

And it’s also a bit of an illusion because when you seek validation outside of yourself, it’s never enough. Work to establish and recognize your own worth independent of the thoughts and actions of others. That internal validation is always enough.

Additionally, make an effort to construct a realistic image of yourself, untarnished by the possibly harsh words of your ex or the sycophantic remarks of a prospective date.

You don’t need a partner to tell you you’re worthy.

You don’t need a date to tell you who you are.

Once you see, know and appreciate yourself, you will project that confidence and invite others to view the same.

I Needed Him to Face the Consequences, Yet I Was the One Who Paid

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I need for him to face the consequences of what he has done.”

I vocalized those words to my parents when we first discovered that my husband had committed marital embezzlement and felony bigamy. Those words were the driving force behind my decision to contact the police about his actions. I expressed those words through clenched teeth to the district attorney and the victim advocate while my body still trembled with the shock. I used those words as a mantra as I carefully gathered evidence and pieced together the story. And I relied on those words as I made decisions throughout the divorce process.

The need for him to pay, either by returning the money he had swindled from me or by serving jail time for his crime, was a driving force. As real and as persistent as a need for food. I was convinced that he needed consequences so that he could experience the pain he inflicted, so that I could find closure and, perhaps most of all, because it was only fair that he face the repercussions of his choices.

For a time, I thought it was going to work. The DA’s office discussed the possibility of jail time or at least a protracted probation. My attorney discussed restitution and requested the totals of monetary losses. I even felt some satisfaction when it seemed as though his career may be endangered due to his deceptions.

And then, it all collapsed. He was granted a diversion in the bigamy case. He made exactly two paltry payments out of the many ordered by the divorce decree. And as far as I knew, he even kept his job.

I was devastated. Directionless. I had spent most of my energy in the previous eight months devoted to making him pay only to be left vacant while he appeared to dance away free and clear. I was angry. I was defeated.

And I was also at a crossroads.

I could choose to continue to driven by the need to make him pay. I was well within my rights to alert the DA’s office that my now-ex husband had not met the terms of the diversion, which carried with it an automatic felony conviction. I could contact my divorce attorney and pursue contempt charges for neglecting to follow the terms of the decree.

Or, I could decide to walk away. To let go of the need to make him pay and instead invest in my own future.

I chose the second option. And it’s funny, even though I’m not aware of any consequences he has faced, I’ve found closure. I’ve found financial stability. I have found a happy new life. I have found peace.

And I didn’t need him to pay for any of it.

The, “I am going to make them pay” attitude comes with a high price during divorce. Here’s what it will cost you –

Legal Fees

When you’re approaching the legal process with a desire to make your ex pay, the paperwork and billable hours increase exponentially. Not only are you asking your attorney to do more (which they are more than happy to bill you for), you are also prompting your ex to go on the defensive (also upping the time and costs involved) or even to launch a counterattack.

In my own case, I had a choice between “fault” and “ no fault” divorce. I chose the first one because the latter verbiage made my stomach turn. That lack of a single word probably cost me 4 months and $15,000. In hindsight, I should have selected the faster and easier route, even if I later scratched out the word “no” on the final decree.

Heightened Negativity

A need for revenge is carried on the swells of ugly emotions. It feeds anger as you remain focused on the wrongs that were committed. It prompts episodes of “why me?” as you wail against the injustices. It even elicits feelings of envy as you feel like you’re the only one paying. As long as you’re focused on your ex, you’re keeping yourself mired in the muck around the divorce.

I was given a form by the DA’s office that asked me, the identified victim, to describe what I thought my husband’s legal consequences should be for the bigamy charge. Before writing on the page, I photocopied it so that I could pen a version in line with my revenge fantasies. It was in line with the dark humor that saw me through those months, but it also showed how much anger was still roiling inside me. And as long as I was driven to make him pay, that anger would be my companion.

False Sense of Control

Divorce brings with it so many changes and so much that it out of your control that it is natural to try to dictate whatever terms you can. And using the court system in an attempt to make your ex pay can bring with it a sense of power, especially if you have the financial means to support your strike. This is especially acute in cases of an affair where the betrayed is desperately looking for a handhold to stop the sickening sense of free fall. But the legal process isn’t in your hands. The judge can choose to ignore the mountains of evidence. And your ex can chose to not follow the orders.

I found another sort of control in my quest. The sheer obsessiveness that I approached the legal process was a distraction from the overwhelming pain and fear that I was experiencing. By focusing on the next document or the latest email from the attorney, I didn’t have to look too closely at myself. But as with the straw man of the legal process, this emotional control was simply a false diversion that only delayed my own progress.

Emotional Letdown

Pretend for a moment that your ex is made to pay in exactly the terms you hope for. What then? Do you hurt any less? Is the disruption to your life any smaller? Has your anger suddenly dissipated? Do you now have a deep sense that your ex truly understands what you went through? Probably not. It’s all too easy to place too much value on the consequences, assuming that everything will be okay once the pound of flesh has been extracted. And the realization that the payment, no matter how steep, isn’t enough can be quite an abrupt letdown.

I never experienced the emotional anticlimax that follows the dispensation of consequences. Instead, I faced the letdown of payments never made and debts never settled. It was as though all of my efforts for the previous eight months were simply torn up and thrown away like so much garbage. It felt like running a marathon only to be felled by a sprained ankle just shy of the finish line. It was over, but it wasn’t finished.

Until, that is, I decided that I was done. Done with paying for my attorney’s summer vacation with my need for revenge. Done with allowing the negative thoughts to set up residence in my head. Done with pretending that I could control external circumstances. And done with allowing his consequences to dictate my well-being.

I realized just how much making him pay was costing me. And I decided the price wasn’t worth it.

5 Critical Ways to Learn to Trust After a Devastating Betrayal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Will I ever trust again?” I asked, turning towards my dad in the aftermath of the day the marriage died.

My voice trembled along with the rest of my body, a pleading tone hoping for a positive response.

His eyes teared, he pulled me in for a hug. “I don’t know but I sure hope so.”

It wasn’t the response I wanted, but it was honest. And honest was what I needed.

Over the next weeks and months, I asked that question of my mom, my family, my friends, my journal.

And every response was the same.

“I don’t know.”

How do you recover from betrayal by the person closest to you? How do you move forward without armor so thick that no one will ever make it through? How do you ever put faith in another person after doing so destroyed your world and you in the process?

How do you learn to trust again?

We often think of trust as a singular thing, an on/off switch that is either fully present or entirely lacking. But trust doesn’t operate that way, it is multidimensional and maintaining it is an ongoing and ever-present process.

We also generally speak of trust as something that exists solely outside ourselves. We deem certain people untrustworthy and label others dependable. We decide that someone has lost our trust because of their actions (or perceived actions) and that the rebuilding of trust is completely dependent upon them. Yet the reality is that trust exists in the space between two people and it depends upon both for sustenance.

It’s been several years since I first questioned if I could ever trust again. And now I know I can trust because for the most part, I do. It wasn’t (and sometimes still isn’t) an easy process, but it has been a worthwhile undertaking.

If you’re struggling with trust, I’ve identified five components for you to look for in the other person and to address in yourself:

Courage

In your partner… Deception and betrayal are often the cowards way of saying, “I’m not happy with myself.” Look for a partner that is willing to be direct rather than evasive, even when saying the things you may not want to hear.

This trait was one of the main characteristics I looked for (and found) in my second husband. I trust that he’ll speak the truth. That doesn’t mean I’ll always like it.

In yourself… Have the courage to face whatever you may see. Hiding your head in the sand only leaves you blind. Ask the hard questions. Have the difficult conversations. Be willing to walk away. Believe in your own strength and abilities.

This was a difficult road for me. I don’t like conflict and had confused my desire for something to be true with my belief that it was true. I still struggle sometimes, but I’m doing much better at facing the truth rather than turning away.

Awareness

In your partner… Seek out a partner who is empathetic and compassionate about what you have experienced. There’s a balance here. It’s not fair to hold them accountable for someone else’s misdeeds, yet they can be understanding that sometimes your aim will be off.

When we first started dating, my now-husband forwarded me an unsolicited email from his boss about some upcoming travel for work. That email paid dividends into my trust bank since I had discovered that much of my ex’s “work” travel was anything but.

In yourself… Be aware of when you’re responding to something from now and when you’re coming from a place of old hurt and fear. If you’re (over)reacting because of your past, own it and don’t try to place that responsibility on your new partner.

Whenever I’m feeling triggered about something, I try to take a step back before I react. Often, I figure out that the issue is that my brain jumped from point A to conclusion Z by following assumptions drawn from my past. At which point, I work on myself rather than blow up at my partner.

Skepticism

In your partner… Don’t assume that you’re partner is lying and also don’t assume that they are always honest. Err on the side of belief but also make sure that your trust isn’t blind. Authenticate their words through observation and corroboration.

In the early stages of our relationship, I sought verification for many of my now-husband’s words. I didn’t snoop (that behavior ALWAYS backfires!), but I was observant, looking for evidence that supported his claims.

In yourself… Don’t assume that just because you feel it, it has to be real. Our emotions can lie to us as well. Be skeptical about your conclusions and try to separate fact from reactions. Also, remember that if you look for what you expect to see, your brain is setting you up to find it. Keep your mind open and yet questioning.

I am still learning to differentiate between spilled milk and an oncoming milk truck. And I know that about myself. So when I reach a premature conclusion, I look for facts to back it up before I accept it as truth.

Faith

In your partner… Believe that there are honest people in the world. And until/unless you’re proved differently, have faith that you’re with one of them.

I used to grow frustrated that my now-husband couldn’t seem to grasp the enormity of my ex’s transgressions. But then, I found solace in that fact. He doesn’t get it because that kind of deception is simply not in is vocabulary. And I’m more than okay with that.

In yourself…Have confidence that you will be able to move through your past and have the security of trust again. Operate with the certainty that you’ll get there and the focus will help you find your way.

In the beginning, I was asking if I could trust again. A few months out, I changed that to a declaration, “I WILL trust again.” I didn’t know how or when, but I made trust a goal rather than a question.

Acceptance

In your partner… For those of us who struggle with trust, we can often confuse disappointment with deception. Your partner will make mistakes. They will disappoint you. That’s not a breach of trust, that’s a fact of life.

In his willingness to readily own up to his mistakes, my now-husband has helped me find acceptance with infallibility. None of us are perfect. Stuff happens. And that’s why trust is an ongoing process.

In yourself… Accept your part. Do you turn away from uncomfortable truths? Do you start off believing that everything is a lie and seek only to prove it? Do you place the onus for trust on another’s shoulders? Also, accept that you have been wounded and that it will take time and patience for you to heal.

As soon as I shifted my focus from what my ex did to what I needed to do, my healing really began. Even though I could continue to blame him for destroying my trust, learning how to find it again was up to me.

Trust is not expecting your partner to be perfect.

Trust is choosing a partner that faces instead of hides.

Trust is not never being hurt or disappointed.

Trust is looking beyond the result and seeing the intention.

Trust is not searching for ways that others are trying to deceive you.

Trust is listening to your gut and sifting out the truth.

Trust is not trying to control every action and every outcome.

Trust is operating within your locus of control and releasing the end result.

Trust starts with you. And it’s up to you.

What Infidelity Steals From You

Posted on by stilllearning2b