I Used to Judge

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I used to judge.

I’m not proud of it.

But I used to judge those who stayed in abusive relationships.

I criticized the victim for staying put while exclaiming that, were I ever to find myself in a similar situation, I would leave immediately.

It always seemed so clear to me. So cut and dry.

If the victim wasn’t choosing to leave, then they were choosing to be hit.

But that was before I was judged myself.

I wasn’t in an abusive relationship*. But I was played. And I played along. Played the fool. People hear of my situation and wonder how I didn’t know about the marital embezzlement or the double life. I’m criticized for staying unaware.

And you know my first response when I hear those words?

You weren’t there.

You don’t know.

The same words spoken by those that have been in abusive relationships.

It’s so easy to declare a solution to a problem when you’re viewing it from the outside. But it’s a false clarity, born of perspective and ignorance. When you only see a piece, it’s easy to play judge. But life isn’t that simple.

People stay in abusive relationships because the abuse comes in slowly and “normal” is changed over time.

People stay in abusive relationships because they learned in childhood that abuse is love.

People stay in abusive relationships because they believe they are not worth more.

People stay in abusive relationships because they fear the repercussions of leaving more than those of staying.

People stay in abusive relationships because they love their partner. Except when they fear him/her.

People stay in abusive relationships because the abuser is a skilled trapper, limiting resources and escape routes.

People stay in abusive relationships because their partner is a wonderful parent.

People stay in abusive relationships because they are hopeful that he/she will return to the way it was.

People stay in abusive relationships because depression keeps them stuck.

People stay in abusive relationships because “one more time” is always repeated once more.

People stay in abusive relationships because of fear. And love. And shame. And hope.

I judged for the same reason people have judged me.

I wanted to believe that I was too strong, too smart, too brave for it to ever happen to me. I wanted to believe that I was safe.

And since then, I’ve made friends with many people who have opened up to me about the abuse they’ve endured. And these friends are all strong and smart and brave.

I’ve learned not to judge. To be willing to accept that I am not immune. That I cannot truly understand a situation unless I have lived it. And that in any case, it is better to listen with compassion that speak with judgement.

*My ex husband never was physically abusive. He was never openly controlling. However, he was manipulative and secretive. And I was physically afraid of him once he left; I realized that he was capable of things I never imagined. It was a type of covert abuse.

If you are on Twitter, check out the hashtags #WhyILeft and #WhyIStayed. Powerful.

Take Me to the Other Side

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I have a person in my life who is currently in crisis, a breakdown at the intersection of environment and predisposition. A brain hijacked and a life on stutter.

For the sake of brevity and anonymity, I’m going to refer to this person as A.

But this isn’t really about A.

It’s about all of us.

Because at some point, all of us break.

And the stronger we are, the harder we fall.

As I sat listening to A replay the scene in a deadened and distant voice, I heard my own voice telling and retelling the story of the text. As I listened to A’s fears about losing self and the possibility of the loss being permanent, I recalled my own similar fears. As I heard the desperation to simply survive each day, I felt an echo of my own panic each dawn. And, as is so often the case with ones we care about, I wished I could take on A’s pain rather than watch A endure. I wanted to be able to fix it, to make it okay again.

I wanted to hold A’s hand and escort A to the other side.

To where the pain and fear are a memory, not reality.

Here is some of what I told A and what I want to tell all of you who are also in the breakdown lane:

Understand Your Brain 

I remember my fear and frustration one morning soon after the text when I tried to make an answer key for my class. I sat and stared at an equation for twenty minutes, unsure how to proceed. I had been solving similar with no issues for 20 years. But that morning, my brain was not working. In fact, it didn’t really work right for almost a year. When anxiety and depression move in, they displace normal functioning. Your brain won’t function correctly until the interlopers have been removed.

Accept Help 

Call in the professionals. If medication is suggested, take it. Your friends and family want to help. Allow them. Recognize that they each will help in different ways.  I resisted medication at first, believing that I was strong enough to go at it alone. But I wasn’t. And that’s okay.

Suicide Hotline

Trust in the Help

Give the medication time to work. Have faith that therapy will start to unravel your stuck mind and help you make sense of it all. Trust that your loved ones want what’s best for you, even when they struggle to show it. It’s easy to get frustrated that progress isn’t happening. It is; it’s just slow going at first.

Live Breath by Breath

I remember looking down the horizon to the divorce being final and it felt like untreadable terrain. So I stopped looking at the “end” and just focused on the next step. And then the next. Progress is progress, no matter how small.

Breathe

Discard Shame

Shame, often hand-in-hand with guilt, is a favored weapon of the malfunctioning brain. Try to see it for what it is and leave it behind.

Allow Dreams

When your brain isn’t functioning properly, it is difficult to make decisions and plans. That’s okay. Table them for a while. But in the meantime, allow yourself to dream. Brainstorm. Even if none of it actually comes to fruition, it is not wasted energy.

Embrace Impermanence 

The way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel.

You will make it to the other side.

Comparison

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex and I were very compatible with the roommate stuff.

Brock and I? Not so much, especially at the beginning.

But even with that being said, I have never wished that Brock was more like my ex in this regard.

Because not only would that be pointless.

It would also be poisonous.

Rather than comparing the two men, I recognized that my experiences with the first made me skilled in some areas and deficient in others. I didn’t wish Brock kept house like my house; I realized that I had never learned to negotiate housekeeping with someone else.

So it was a challenge.

And challenges can be met.

 

It breaks my heart a little every year when I meet new students that have siblings that have passed through my classroom. The first words out of their nervous mouths are, “I’m nothing like my brother/sister.” I always reassure them that I don’t compare siblings and that I’m excited to get to know them for who they are, unclouded by the impressions left by their kin. I instruct them to tell their brother or sister “hi” for me, and then I intentionally push them out of my mind. Because when I’m getting to know the new student, the former ones don’t matter.

 

None of us like to be compared to others, especially when it’s rigged for us to come up short. But it can be difficult not to compare as you transition from one relationship to another. It’s so easy to place the partners side by side and measure the qualities of each. Easy, but also damaging to your new relationship, especially if your partner feels as though he or she can never measure up. It may feel like a party of two, but if you’re always comparing, there’s a third person in your partnership.

 

Find yourself comparing? Try this.

Be intentional and mindful about the traits and characteristics you want in a partner before you begin dating and work to refine your desires as you meet people. If you choose an apple, don’t complain that it doesn’t taste like an orange.

Focus on your new partner’s strengths, especially those that were not shared by your ex. Celebrate what is now compatible or easy where before there was stress or strain. We all have gifts we bring to table. Don’t be so focused on what is lacking that you neglect to see the riches.

When you find your ex in your thoughts in a comparing way, remind yourself why you are glad they are your ex. Maybe they were better at small engine repair than your new partner, but that seems pretty silly when you consider they slept with your best friend.

Accept that you cannot change your partner no matter how much you compare. Rather, work to adapt yourself to meet the new challenges present in any emerging relationship. Comparing cuts. Try growing instead.

When you find the partners side by side in your head, picture them side by side in front of you. Pretty uncomfortable, huh? Exactly. Kick one of them out. Preferably the ex.

 

 

 

 

When You Wish Upon a Star

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When my ex walked out the door, he took my dreams with him.

He carried out the trips we had planned over dinners and walks, running over them with his car until they were but black marks on the street.

He hefted the retirement daydreams onto his back and launched them in the dumpster as he drove away.

The house plans and projects were sent through the shredder before being addressed to the incinerator.

He even stuffed his pockets with the small yearnings, the desire to grow old together and to watch our world evolve.

He took it all.

 

The first dreams I built were solo dreams – a desire to see the Smithsonian (done!) and a commitment to take time to play more (check!). I couldn’t look too far ahead nor could I trust that another would be there. So I kept the dreams small and close or vague enough to adjust to whatever reality presented.

Even once married, I found myself tentative to speak of long-range plans. Hesitant to believe in lofty dreams. It was though by not speaking them or even thinking them, I avoided tempting fate. Prevented a thief from yet again raiding my hopes and dashing my dreams.

 

This weekend I didn’t just tempt fate, I seduced her. On a quiet weekend away, Brock and I spent hours discussing thoughts and desires for retirement, speaking our dreams and discussing our plans of how to make it happen. We spoke of homes and trips. Pensions and deductions. As we continued to talk and refine our ideas, I found excitement slowly replacing my ambivalence. It felt amazing to believe in a future again. To take steps and share visions.

And to believe that not every wish is stolen before it can come true.

 

I was able to make that wish in a very special way this weekend. After struggles with horrible vision for most of my life, new lenses and a small, dark town allowed me to see the stars for the first time in twenty years. Never say never.

 

 

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the unexpected gifts that I gained with a tsunami divorce is that I didn’t have my ex around to target. I mean, sure I blamed him, but that only took me so far and eventually I had to focus on what I could impact – myself. I’ve carried that perspective into my new marriage; when something in the relationship needs tweaking, I adjust myself rather than looking to change my partner.

This article on Psychology Today presents some great ways to shift your focus in a way that can help you improve, whether you’re in a relationship or in the fallout of a relationship.  Because the best part of accepting your responsibility is that you have the power to change it.