If all had gone as I had planned, tomorrow would be my fifteenth anniversary.
I’m glad it didn’t turn out as planned.
If All Had Gone As I Had Planned
How to Supercharge Your “I” Statements
As the child of a marriage and family therapist, I think my first complete sentences came in the form of “I” statements, a conversation tactic often recommended by counselors to express your needs without attacking or blaming the other person. For example, “I feel frustrated when you leave your socks on the floor. I would feel calmer if you could place your socks in the hamper.”
“I” statements are certainly useful in situations from the bedroom to the boardroom (and I often use it in the classroom). They are infinitely better than the “You never…” and “You always…” which usually prompts the recipient to either arm him or herself or attempt to shield from the verbal barrage. They require that you first analyze the cause (action/behavior) and effect (your emotional response) before engaging someone in conversation. And they hint at the assertion that both people can work together to find a solution.
Yet even though “I” statements are useful, they have their limitations. They often require some interesting verbal gymnastics to form, they can act as a mere cover for blame and attack and, as I often witness, they can simply turn into an ineffectual argument frequently peppered with the word “I.”
“I” statements are good. And you can make them better. Here’s you to supercharge your “I” statements in three easy steps:
1) Express Your Gratitude: This needs to be sincere appreciation (as BS is worse than silence) and must relate to the situation at hand. On your side, this helps to calm the flames of aggravation and helps remind you of the bigger picture or underlying motivation behind the offensive behavior. For the other person, this will help him or her feel seen and appreciated, which goes a long way to lowering defensiveness and encouraging a willingness to change.
2) Express Your “I” Statement: Keep it simple: “I feel…when…” Clarify if needed. Stay calm; if you escalate your emotions, the other person’s will ramp up as well, lowering the chances of a successful conversation. Be careful not to start with a “But,” as it negates your gratitude statement.
3) Present a Challenge for the Team: Phrase this as a challenge that can be problem-solved together. It’s not one against one, it’s two against the problem at hand. Acknowledge any side issues or limitations that you are aware of, as this lets your partner know you are listening and invested in the process. Don’t go in with a “solution” that you try to sell; this is a problem to be solved together with input from both people. This also helps to limit defensiveness because it is not about what someone is doing wrong, it’s about finding a resolution together.
Here’s what this might look like in action:
1) “I really appreciate how hard you work for the family and the security it provides us.”
2) “I miss you when you’re not here; I really enjoy our time together as a family.”
3) “Do you think we could work together to figure out a way that we could have more family time that wouldn’t impact your work or need for time alone?”
As with any change, it will feel awkward and formulaic at first. But with practice, it becomes easier and more natural. If you need more ideas about how to approach difficult conversations, this post has several ideas for you.
Gatekeeper
A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.
Where one party restricts and manages the flow of information into the relationship.
And one partner assumes the responsibility of pre-filtering what the other person sees and hears.
A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.
One person acting like a parent who knows what is best for the other.
And one spouse making decisions that impact the relationship without first consulting their partner.
A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.
Where fear that your partner may step out of line prompts new guidelines to be followed.
And one individual attempts to control the thoughts and actions of another.
A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.
Because the mere presence of a gatekeeper speaks to an imbalance of power, one holding the keys while the other is held.
And a balanced marriage is built upon mutual trust and respect, not confinement and limitation.
A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.
A marriage should have two.
Because while one person manning the gate leads to an imbalance, when both partners work as a team to filter what comes into their marriage, they work to make it stronger.
Not with manipulation and coercion, but with conversation and adaptation.
That begins with the acceptance that both partners are whole and capable and can work to strengthen each other rather than restrict each other.
And where the spouses work to hold the marriage together instead of keeping the other out.
Seek to protect your marriage rather than protect your partner.
Be gatekeepers together.
Growth Mindset in Marriage
“I can’t do math.”
These are often the first words out of my incoming students’ lips when I first meet them each August.
“Then I’m going to make it my personal goal for the year to show you that you can,” I always respond with an encouraging smile. Because before I can teach them math, I have to teach them that they can do math.
I first learned about fixed versus growth mindsets in my developmental psychology class in college. At its heart, it states that we fall into one of two camps when it comes to beliefs about self – one that asserts that we are born to be good at certain things and inadequate at others and one that maintains that we can always improve.
I was intrigued. Could we really change how people interact with the world and embrace challenge simply by praising their efforts as children rather than their innate gifts?
It seems so.
In fact, I would argue that it is one of the most important lessons, not only for our children, but ourselves.
Because if you believe your nature and abilities are fixed, you are imprisoned by your own beliefs. Whereas if you trust that you can learn from your experiences, obstacles make you stronger instead of holding you back.
A fixed mindset says, “I am my ability.” A growth mindset says, “I am my effort.”
A fixed mindset claims, “The product is all that matters.” A growth mindset responds, “I learn and grow through the process.”
A fixed mindset declares, “My weaknesses are part of who I am and should be hidden.” A growth mindset insists, “My weaknesses show me areas where I can improve.”
A fixed mindset believes in fate. A growth mindset takes responsibility.
A fixed mindset blames and deflects. A growth mindset listens and adapts.
A fixed mindset prefers to live inside a comfort zone. A growth mindset embraces the idea that growth occurs at the edge of panic and ease.
“Growth mindset” is now a buzzword in education as well as business, where companies seek out new hires that demonstrate this trait. Perhaps it’s time for it to become a buzzword in marriages as well.
A fixed mindset seeks a partner who worships and validates you. A growth mindset desires a partner who challenges and encourages you.
A fixed mindset sees a conflict in the marriage as a fatal flaw. A growth mindset recognizes conflict as opportunity.
A fixed mindset feels threatened by feedback and responds defensively. A growth mindset is grateful for the chance to improve.
A fixed mindset creates a marriage that is rigid. A growth mindset leads to a marriage that is flexible and adaptable.
A fixed mindset is driven by a need for approval. A growth mindset is motivated by a need to learn.
A fixed mindset seeks validation outside of yourself and it will never be enough. A growth mindset finds validation within yourself and it will always be enough.
With children, we teach them to have a growth mindset by praising their efforts, “You worked really hard on that project,” rather than their abilities, “You are so smart at reading.” As adults, it is more difficult to adjust our ingrained patterns. But it is not impossible.
Start by identifying one fixed belief you have about yourself (What do you say you “can’t” do?). And then work to change it.
Here’s how I applied that idea in my own life.
A growth mindset says you’re good. And you can be better.
Now go to it!
I Never Loved You
The gaslighting doesn’t necessarily stop when the relationship ends.
“I never loved you.”
“I haven’t been happy for a long time.”
“You’re impossible to live with.”
Those were some of the words my ex chose to leave me with in the correspondence he exchanged with my mother. They were little bombs hooked to a timer set to detonate after he walked out the door.
At first, those words devastated me. Could they be true? Was I a wretch? Impossible? Unlovable? Piled on top of the rejection, they were an added kick when I was already down and out.
But then they made me angry. If he never loved me, why would act otherwise so consistently? If he hadn’t been happy for a long time, that was his responsibility to say something and change something. If I was so impossible to live with, why did he live with me for 14 of our 16 years together?
Those parting words were nothing but further fabrications. Gaslighting from a safe distance to try to tamp down any resistance. Perhaps blowtorching would be a proper term here? I’m picturing the scene from Alien:)
Perhaps part of the intent was to maim, but I believe the main goal was to rectify his own cognitive dissonance.
Because when you tell a lie frequently enough, it starts to become your truth.
If he believed he never loved me, it made it easier to hurt me.
If he claimed he wasn’t happy for a long time, he could blame it on the marriage.
And if he made me impossible to reside with, it made it easier to walk away.
Before you believe the hurtful words your ex threw your direction, make sure to see what they had to gain by them.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 