Are You Tired of Hearing, “It Will Be Okay”?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
be okay

“It will be okay” is sometimes a platitude, uttered in ignorance by people who have not ever tried on your shoes, much less walked in them. And that pat phrase, along with its twin, “You’re never given more than you can handle,” can spark ire in the one who is in the midst of the very-much-not-okay and there-is-no-way-I’ll-be-able-to-handle-this. It those cases, “It will be okay” feels dismissive, empty, hollow. A brush off followed by a watering down.

But those speaking in ignorance aren’t the only ones to share that phrase. Others come from a place of experience. They’ve been on the floor amongst the ruins of their life. They’ve lost everything and felt that overwhelming ache of the unfilled void. As they listen to your cries, they are transportated back to their own fresh pain (when nothing ever felt like it would be okay again) and they contrast it with where they are today (okay or even better).

And when they tell you, “It will be okay,” they’re speaking from experience. Not ignorance.

Sometimes we think of “okay” as “the same as it was.” And that will obviously never happen. In my mind, “okay” means adaptation to the change, accepting what is and building upon that base. “Okay” doesn’t mean that there isn’t loss, that there isn’t pain. It means that the loss is no longer all-consuming and the pain is no longer your identity. “Okay” doesn’t undo what was done, it doesn’t erase the past. “Okay” is a place of hope, a whisper that tells you one more breath, one more step. “Okay” means that the way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel because everything changes, even pain. “Okay” says that no matter what has happened, you can still find happiness and peace.

Everything really will be okay.

Use This Trick to Set Yourself Up For Happiness

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I did it again the other day.

I was a few chapters into a new book when my initial positive feelings about the characters and the story began to wane. Instead of either committing to the story and giving the author the benefit of the doubt or returning the book mostly unread, I searched for the book on Amazon in order to browse the reviews.

It’s a silly habit, really. I’ve already purchased or borrowed the book. At this point, the opinions of others should hold no merit and I should instead focus on my own interest and my view on the merits of the book.

But I often don’t.

And in doing so, I’ve noticed an interesting phenomena.

Sometimes, I gravitate to the one-star reviews and read scathing comments about the error-filled writing, unbelievable characters or pointless story. It comes as no surprise that when I limit myself to the one-star reviews, I heighten my own sensitivity to the downsides of the book, often deciding to skim the remainder or throw in the towel altogther.

Other times, I really want to like the story and so I filter the reviews to only see those that praise the work in an attempt to see the book in a new and rose-colored light. But this often backfires, the compliments ringing hollow and syncophantic, causing me to become more aware of the gulf between those lofty expectations and my reality of the book.

After much trial and error, I’ve finally settled on a strategy that usually leads not only to my finishing the book, but also increases my enjoyment of it: I read only the three-star reviews. Those assessments that acknowledge the book’s strengths while also being realistic about the weaknesses. A balance between anticipation and assumption. An acceptance that nothing is perfect and that it can be appreciated nonetheless.

A recent study explored the idea of high expectations in marriage. It found that high expectations were associated with a happier marriage only when those expectations were realistic. When the marriage was characterized by a lack of relationship skills, lower (and attainable) expectations actually were correlated with an increase in happiness.

It makes sense.

Sometimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of sorrow. The lack of struggle. That happiness is only found when everything is going great and all five stars are shining.

But like those glowing reviews, that sort of happiness can ring false as it often ignores or suppresses parts of reality.

Happiness is found when faults are acknowledged but not focused upon. When expectations are high and yet attainable. When perfection is not predicted or pretended. When there is a balance between what is enjoyed and what is tolerated. When concerns are contemplated but not ruminated upon. When each good moment is enjoyed for what it is without worry about the moment before or after.

Happiness is found in the three-star reviews.

 

 

Guest Post – Lifestyle Analysis in Divorce Proceedings: Uncovering Hidden Assets

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I felt like I was blindsided twice in my divorce – first by my husband and then again by the courts. The court system is overwhelming, the process is scary and the outcomes are potentially life-altering.  This information and advice from an attorney who has been there, done that may help you go into your divorce better prepared than I was and with a better outcome than I had.  I hope so.

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Lifestyle Analysis in Divorce Proceedings: Uncovering Hidden Assets

Divorce, or dissolution of marriage, is a highly personal, emotional experience that goes much smoother if the parties are willing to cooperate. Despite the obvious benefits of working together, divorce remains a fairly adversarial process that can sometimes get downright malevolent. Whether you are the spouse filing for divorce or the spouse responding to a divorce action, you should consult a lawyer to make sure you are aware of all your legal rights and obligations. This is especially important if the other party is being difficult. One of the most significant aspects present in every divorce where an attorney’s advice can make a big difference is in reviewing financial matters.

 

The Financial Affidavit

All divorce proceedings, whether contested or not, require each party to complete a financial affidavit that discloses all assets, income, expenses, and liabilities. These affidavits are known by different names, such as “Verified Financial Disclosure Statement” in Indiana, and “Verified Disclosure Statement” in Kentucky. No matter what they are called in your state, they must be signed under penalty of perjury that the information provided is correct.

 

The financial affidavits are essential to the final divorce settlement agreement because they are the basis for deciding child support and property division, and whether one spouse is entitled to maintenance. The affidavits are usually prepared by the client, many of whom take wild guesses at the figures. Thing is, it’s human nature to estimate incorrectly, especially under stress. But because complete accuracy now can make a big difference in your financial future, it may be wise (or even court-ordered) to complete a lifestyle analysis.

 

The Lifestyle Analysis

In contrast to the financial affidavit, which gives a view into an individual’s finances at a certain point in time, a lifestyle analysis examines several years of financial activity. It looks at the couple’s spending habits along with the day-to-day living expenses incurred during their marriage. The focus is usually on the last three to five years of marriage in order to get a good understanding of patterns, although the longer the time period analyzed, the more credible the report.

 

The idea is a fairly basic one: if what is being spent on a lifestyle is more than the income that is reported, then it is likely there is another source of income. The analysis usually includes, but is not limited to, researching:

  • Bank records
  • Checkbook registers
  • Credit card statements
  • Credit reports
  • Insurance documents
  • Loan applications and agreements
  • Pay stubs
  • Payroll records if spouse is a business owner
  • Personal and business income tax returns
  • Property tax bills
  • Recurring and ordinary expenses within larger basic categories such as clothing, food, housing, entertainment, travel, etc.
  • Retirement accounts
  • Seasonal expenses
  • Unusual or non-recurring expenses.

 

There are many different reasons why this documentation and verification of expenditures during the marriage may be needed. The most common reasons are to determine the standard of living during the marriage and to determine the appropriate levels of child support and maintenance. A lifestyle analysis can also be very useful in determining whether a spouse is underreporting income on the financial affidavit, has concealed assets, has overstated debts, or has spent marital monies on activities that could influence the case (such as gambling, drugs or paramours).

 

While it can sometimes be hard to determine whether a lifestyle analysis is warranted, there are certain red flags that can signal the need to take a closer look. In many instances, one spouse is already suspicious of the other before they are even separated. Any spouse that exerts excessive control over financial matters should be more thoroughly examined as someone who is likely to manipulate financial facts. A spouse with a history of deception, or of pressuring or coercing the other to sign unusual documents, is a prime candidate for analysis. Has your spouse made large purchases without your knowledge? Have large sums of money disappeared without plausible explanations? These are signs that may indicate the need for a more careful evaluation.

 

Hidden Assets

It’s possible that during the process of completing the financial affidavit or the lifestyle analysis you may discover that your spouse has a financial secret. Comprehensively investigating financial records may reveal that he or she has been hiding income, selling marital assets, buying property, or even bankrolling an extramarital affair. Once exposed through the analysis, this deception can be taken into consideration when the judge determines the divorce settlement agreement.

 

Concealed assets are typically either placed in the hands of third parties or behind false documents. Common ways of hiding assets include:

  • Bearer municipal bonds
  • Collectibles, possibly kept at a friend’s house or the office
  • Converting cash into personal property that may be overlooked or undervalued
  • Custodial accounts established under a child’s social security number
  • Delaying work bonuses, raises, contracts or stock options until after the divorce
  • Faking debts owed to family or friends
  • Giving gifts (like jewelry or cars) that are to be returned once the divorce is finalized
  • Offshore accounts
  • Safety deposit boxes
  • Secret retirement accounts
  • Series EE savings bonds
  • Transferring money into trusts.

 

The point of identifying and valuing all the assets is to decide which marital property is subject to division, thereby allowing an equitable apportionment. A spouse who deliberately hides assets can face a number of consequences, including being charged with fraud, ordered to pay the other party’s fees, having his or her claims dismissed, or having the other party be awarded the entirety of the hidden assets. Penalties vary from state to state and are heavily dependent on the circumstances of the case.

 

Seeking competent and knowledgeable legal advice now will help you avoid costly, long-term mistakes. In order to make certain that you receive and retain all the assets to which you are entitled after a divorce, it is important to talk with a skilled divorce lawyer. In extremely complex situations, divorce lawyers may enlist the assistance of other professionals who have specialized training and expertise in investigating the financial intricacies of a divorcing couple. Financial advisors, CPAs, forensic accountants, and Certified Divorce Financial Analysts® are some of the professionals who may be consulted. It can sometimes take a team to help a spouse stay on the right side of the law while working to secure his or her financial future.

 

About the Author:

Dana Eberle-Peay is a family attorney in New Albany, Indiana. After going through a tumultuous divorce in 2008, Dana dedicated her professional life to helping others in similar situations. She currently practices law at the McNeely Stephenson Law Offices of New Albany, Indiana.

Change is Never Easy, But it Can Be Easier

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s not just seasons changing in these parts.

The school where I’ve worked for the past five years has become swollen. Overripe and bursting with more kids than the building was designed to hold. And so it’s being cleaved and the excess is being funneled into a new school, opening next fall.

My first reaction when confronted with the reality was that I wanted everything to remain the same.

Because change is hard.

And it’s so much easier to just keep on keeping on.

But that’s not always (or even often) a choice.

So when decision time came, I elected to transfer allegiance to the new school.

And between the additional meetings, the multitude of unknowns, the additional curriculum burdens and the physical sorting and packing, it has not always been easy.

But change never is.

Here are some strategies that I’m using now that help to make this change a little easier:

Accept Change As Inevitable

Even when things stay the course, the course changes, as do the people on it. Some change is obvious, the sudden endings and the hard right turns of life. And other change, most change, is more subtle and slow. The fraction of a millimeter added to a child’s height. The replacement of tall grasses with short trees that eventually grow to shade out the growth below.

When the abrupt changes occur, we often resist, digging our heels in and skidding through the turn as though we can alter reality through an act of sheer stubbornness.

We may as well push down on our children’s heads in an attempt to halt their growth.

Change is normal.

Change is unavoidable.

We may as well get used to it.

Frame Change As an Adventure

How exciting! You get to try something new!

Not feeling it yet? Keep practicing. Watch your words. Rather than speaking negatively about your situation, work to frame it as an adventure. An experience. Yes, there will be trials and tribulations. That’s part of what makes it more exhilarating. Aren’t you lucky to have this opportunity for excitement!

Part of the adventure mindset is to view setbacks as problems to be solved rather than roadblocks in your way. Be creative. Be flexible. And remember to have some fun along the way.

Control What You Can

We all feel better when we have the impression that we are in control of our lives. Unfortunately, life does not always agree. When you’re faced with unwanted change, it’s easy to fall into a victim mindset, taking the approach that all of this is happening to you and that there’s nothing you can do.

It’s true you cannot stop the change. But it’s also true that you’re not completely helpless either. In the midst of upheaval, control what you can, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential. Simply recognizing that you have choice and acting upon those choices will go a long way to alleviating the fear and frustration that accompanies change.

What If It Is Your Circus and They Are Your Monkeys?

Create a “Worth It Because…” List

If you have chosen this change, you probably already have some idea of how it may benefit you down the road. If this change was thrust upon you, you’re probably drawing a blank as to the potential positives of the unwanted life renovation.

So figure them out. Step outside yourself and brainstorm some of the current and future reasons that this change is/will be worth it. You don’t have to like or agree with the change to uncover some of the positives. Some of these positive side effects may not be automatic. So put in the effort to make them happen.

The Upside of Betrayal

Piggyback On Your Change

You know that thing you’ve always intended to do but never quite got around to it? Now’s the time. You know that bucket list that has been collecting dust? Brush it off.

Change provides opportunities for more change. It’s harder to come up with excuses to avoid something new when new and different are everywhere you look. View this as a window of opportunity for you to bring to life some of the changes you have dreamt about.

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As for me, I am super excited about my upcoming change. It will push me. It will challenge me. Some days it will probably bring tears when overwhelm hits, but I’m confident that the effort will pay dividends. I’m thrilled to be part of building something new.

 

Fixer-Upper Relationships – What You Need to Know!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

What area do you want to live?

How much do you want to spend?

And how much work are you willing to do?

Those are usually the first three questions a real estate agent asks a person in the market for a new house. And perhaps the response to the last is the most telling.

Some people look at house that has some functional deficits or is in need of a complete overhaul as chance to create what they what. A challenge, yes. But also an opportunity.

Others want to move into a ready-made house. Open door, insert family. Perhaps because of limitations of time, money or skill, they are reticent to consider a property in need of renovation to bring it up to their expectations.

Those in the second group usually get their wish at first. They find something brand new and stylish or luck into finding and falling in love with the renovations that previous tenants have undertaken.They quickly add the finishing touches that make the house a home and settle in. And for a time, all is well.

It happens gradually. The AC goes on the fritz. The paint colors no longer inspire. The wood floors start to show some wear and practically beg to be refinished. A passing storm pummels the roof, leaving tears in the once tightly-locked shingles. Or maybe it’s less the structure and more the space. That inconsequential guest bathroom is no longer large enough once the kids arrive. You find yourself cursing that awkward corner in the kitchen.

The house that was once move-in ready has started to demand attention.

To need fixing.

For those that truly fear repair, they may use this as an opportunity to leave the old house and find a new and perfect one.

For those that fear change, they may simply turn a blind eye to the house and ignore its needs (as well as their own).

And the others? They begin to see that at some point and in some ways, every house is a fixer-upper. And that rather than trying to find the perfect house, it’s more about finding the house whose quirks are permissible and putting in some elbow grease to make the rest shine.

Those same contrasting viewpoints follow into the dating world.

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Some people are looking for that perfect person with an expectation that if it’s right, it will just work. No effort required. Any sign of cracks or peeling paint is seen as a problem and may result in a new search or a blind eye turned.

I had that view the first time around. And it made any discord or disagreement a very scary thing. A potentially fatal flaw in the foundation. While dating, I first looked for move-in ready men, those that seemed to have all their cobwebs dusted and scuff marks polished.

They never lasted.

What I only realized later is that every single relationship falls into the fixer-upper category.

That’s right. There is no such thing as a move-in ready relationship.

Because even those people that appear perfect on the surface have flaws just below. Every person has areas where you will be easily compatible and those where you will have to figure some things out. Just like how you figured out how to finally utilize that awkward corner in the kitchen. Every person brings their own childhood issues to the table and sometimes they will come to the forefront.

We are all fixer-uppers.

We are always fixer-uppers.

That’s not a flaw; it’s an opportunity.

And the opportunities are multiplied when those two fixer-uppers move in together.

Every relationship will face wear and tear and require some elbow grease. Every partnership will be tested and may require occasional reinforcement. There will be times when you feel hemmed in by the walls and other times when they feel comfortable and cozy and welcoming.

It’s about choosing the one whose flaws you can live with and learning how to make the rest shine. It’s about going in with realistic expectations that everything changes over time. It’s about maintaining perspective during those stints when everything seems to be breaking down and expressing appreciation when it goes well. It’s about learning together, trying and trying something new when that doesn’t work.  It’s about learning to tell the difference between do-it-yourself repairs, those that require a professional and those that signal that it should be condemned.

And it’s about choosing every day to put in the effort. To build. And rebuild.