Searching For What You Don’t Want to Find

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s a natural reaction.

Perhaps your partner has done something that makes you question their fidelity and you feel compelled to search their phone for confirmation.

Or maybe the lack of trust comes not from this relationship but a previous one and you’re determined to never be cheated on again.

You’re not proud of your reaction, yet you justify it. After all, if they are cheating, a little investigative work will pay off and if they have nothing to hide a little snooping doesn’t matter.

Or does it?

Apart from the moral ambiguities of snooping on your partner, searching for evidence of their misbehavior also hurts you. Here’s how:

 

False Positive

We tend to find what we expect to see. If your fears have already convinced you that infidelity is occurring, you are more likely to conclude that anything you find is evidence that supports your belief.

It’s a strange place to be. On the one hand, you’re praying that you don’t find anything and that your suspicions are misplaced and everything is okay. Yet on the other hand, you want validation that your intuition is correct.

 

Anxiety

Snooping leads to anxiety for two reasons. First, you know on some level that what you’re doing is wrong. There may be a sense of guilt and a concern of getting caught. Secondly, you’re living in a state of limbo. Before you find anything, it’s as though your partner is both cheating and faithful. And that uncertainty is both all-consuming and crazy-making.

 

Atmosphere of Distrust

It’s difficult to be a loving and present partner when you’re focused on trying to find what your significant other is doing wrong. As your partner picks up on this energy, an atmosphere of distrust begins to grow. And here’s the hard part – even if your partner HAS been faithful, if they feel like they’re constantly accused of cheating, they may decide that they might as well do it.

 

Limitations

Is it possible to find evidence that proves – without a shadow of a doubt – that your partner is faithful?

No.

Does monitoring their activity have some sort of protective power against cheating?

No.

Will continually looking for signs of infidelity bring you any sort of peace, functioning as sort of a credit monitoring service?

No.

So if snooping can’t prove fidelity, can’t prevent cheating and doesn’t make you feel any better, why do it?

 

Here’s some information on what you CAN do if you suspect your partner is cheating. 

 

And if you DO discover that your partner has been cheating, this is for you:

You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When it comes to marriage, the opposite of “right” isn’t “wrong.” It’s “happy.”

Because when we’re too focused on being right within a marriage, we’re losing focus on what’s really important:

– reaching shared goals, even when you differ on the choice of the path to get there

-managing overlapping lives

-and, perhaps most importantly, constantly learning from and encouraging each other.

 

 

You can be right or you can take this opportunity to learn about a different perspective.

I had to laugh when my friend’s husband complained to me that my friend doesn’t load the dishwasher the “right” way. “I didn’t realize there was a universally agreed upon correct method,” I joked.

And that’s true in many areas, not just dishwashers. There may be strategies that are more efficient. Or more effective. Or easier. Or more familiar. That doesn’t necessarily mean that one is more “right” than the others. They’re just different ways of looking at the same thing.

I love the famous parable about the elephant and the six blind men. Each one, feeling a different region of the animal, reaches a different conclusion. “It’s a snake!,” exclaims the man running his hands along the trunk. “No, it’s a rug!” insists the one running the hair on the tip of the tail through his hands.

One elephant. Six men. And six different – and equally valid – conclusions.

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So often the things we disagree about within a marriage fall into this category where there really is no right and wrong, simply different ways of looking at things. And so when we fixate on proving that our way is best, we pass by an opportunity to learn how to see something differently. And that something includes our spouse.

It’s strange how learning that our partner has a different view from us can be threatening. But it can. We all-too-easily begin to believe that they feel the same way about things as we do and it can be a little disorienting when we learn that they have a different perspective. And sometimes, a little shake-up is a good thing:)

 

You can be right or you can focus on solving the problem.

Most of the time, you and your spouse are on the same side. You both want a good environment to raise a happy and healthy family. You both want to make sure that you have financial stability and that you can purchase the things you need. You want time together and also time to maximize your own potential.

Yet when problems arise, it’s easy to take sides, you on one side of the ring and your spouse on the other. When your focus shifts to proving that you’re right (or proving that your partner is wrong), you forget about the expanse of the agreed-upon area between you, instead focusing only on the differences.

When you need to be right, the other person by default has to be wrong. There is a winner. And there is a loser. And perhaps the marriage is the biggest loser of all when you forget the magic that happens when you realize that you’re on the same side. Even when you disagree.

Put your energy on solving the problem. Not on disproving your partner.

 

You can be right or you can allow your spouse to prove your expectations wrong.

Have you ever had a full-on conversation with your spouse about something, only the entirety of the dialog took place within your head? *Sheepishly raises hand*

I know for me, when I finally do have that conversation for real, the actual words coming from my husband’s mouth are usually much more supportive than the imagined ones. Yet, and this has unfortunately happened, if I’ve already convinced myself that my conclusions are right, it’s hard for me to actually hear the words he’s saying.

It’s tricky with spouses. They have a track record. And so we think we know how they’re going to respond before we give them a chance to.

Sometimes, we neglect to have the hard conversations because we believe we already know the answers and so the exercise seems futile. Yet doesn’t it make more sense to ask your spouse the questions and give them enough respect to provide space for their answers.

You can be right or you can admit that sometimes you’re wrong.

It’s not easy to admit when we’re wrong. The ego sees this as a personal attack and any insecurities like to act like school-yard bullies (“You’re so stupid! You’re so stupid!). This is especially true when admitting the wrong threatens our view of ourselves (For example, as a math teacher, I would be more threatened by an error in my mathematical reasoning than I would be by my ignorance about the location of a particular country).

It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to change your stance on something as you have gained more wisdom and experience. When we admit we’re wrong, we’re making space to learn how to do better. How to be better. When we hold too tightly to the need to be right, we’re ultimately holding ourselves back from being the best we can be.

 

You can be right or you can be married.

This phrase is often used to imply that in order to remain married, you have to constantly bite your tongue. But that’s no recipe for a happy marriage. When you hold back on saying the important things, resentment and distance grows.

Instead, what we can take from the phrase is this – there are things that are more important to a marriage than being right.

It is more important to act as a team.

It is more important to listen teach other with an open mind.

It is more important to treat each other with respect, even when you disagree.

It is more important to focus on the shared goals than the details.

And if it’s important to you to stay married, sometimes you’re going to have to let go of being right.

 

5 Critical Ways to Learn to Trust After a Devastating Betrayal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Will I ever trust again?” I asked, turning towards my dad in the aftermath of the day the marriage died.

My voice trembled along with the rest of my body, a pleading tone hoping for a positive response.

His eyes teared, he pulled me in for a hug. “I don’t know but I sure hope so.”

It wasn’t the response I wanted, but it was honest. And honest was what I needed.

Over the next weeks and months, I asked that question of my mom, my family, my friends, my journal.

And every response was the same.

“I don’t know.”

How do you recover from betrayal by the person closest to you? How do you move forward without armor so thick that no one will ever make it through? How do you ever put faith in another person after doing so destroyed your world and you in the process?

How do you learn to trust again?

We often think of trust as a singular thing, an on/off switch that is either fully present or entirely lacking. But trust doesn’t operate that way, it is multidimensional and maintaining it is an ongoing and ever-present process.

We also generally speak of trust as something that exists solely outside ourselves. We deem certain people untrustworthy and label others dependable. We decide that someone has lost our trust because of their actions (or perceived actions) and that the rebuilding of trust is completely dependent upon them. Yet the reality is that trust exists in the space between two people and it depends upon both for sustenance.

It’s been several years since I first questioned if I could ever trust again. And now I know I can trust because for the most part, I do. It wasn’t (and sometimes still isn’t) an easy process, but it has been a worthwhile undertaking.

If you’re struggling with trust, I’ve identified five components for you to look for in the other person and to address in yourself:

Courage

In your partner… Deception and betrayal are often the cowards way of saying, “I’m not happy with myself.” Look for a partner that is willing to be direct rather than evasive, even when saying the things you may not want to hear.

This trait was one of the main characteristics I looked for (and found) in my second husband. I trust that he’ll speak the truth. That doesn’t mean I’ll always like it.

In yourself… Have the courage to face whatever you may see. Hiding your head in the sand only leaves you blind. Ask the hard questions. Have the difficult conversations. Be willing to walk away. Believe in your own strength and abilities.

This was a difficult road for me. I don’t like conflict and had confused my desire for something to be true with my belief that it was true. I still struggle sometimes, but I’m doing much better at facing the truth rather than turning away.

Awareness

In your partner… Seek out a partner who is empathetic and compassionate about what you have experienced. There’s a balance here. It’s not fair to hold them accountable for someone else’s misdeeds, yet they can be understanding that sometimes your aim will be off.

When we first started dating, my now-husband forwarded me an unsolicited email from his boss about some upcoming travel for work. That email paid dividends into my trust bank since I had discovered that much of my ex’s “work” travel was anything but.

In yourself… Be aware of when you’re responding to something from now and when you’re coming from a place of old hurt and fear. If you’re (over)reacting because of your past, own it and don’t try to place that responsibility on your new partner.

Whenever I’m feeling triggered about something, I try to take a step back before I react. Often, I figure out that the issue is that my brain jumped from point A to conclusion Z by following assumptions drawn from my past. At which point, I work on myself rather than blow up at my partner.

Skepticism

In your partner… Don’t assume that you’re partner is lying and also don’t assume that they are always honest. Err on the side of belief but also make sure that your trust isn’t blind. Authenticate their words through observation and corroboration.

In the early stages of our relationship, I sought verification for many of my now-husband’s words. I didn’t snoop (that behavior ALWAYS backfires!), but I was observant, looking for evidence that supported his claims.

In yourself… Don’t assume that just because you feel it, it has to be real. Our emotions can lie to us as well. Be skeptical about your conclusions and try to separate fact from reactions. Also, remember that if you look for what you expect to see, your brain is setting you up to find it. Keep your mind open and yet questioning.

I am still learning to differentiate between spilled milk and an oncoming milk truck. And I know that about myself. So when I reach a premature conclusion, I look for facts to back it up before I accept it as truth.

Faith

In your partner… Believe that there are honest people in the world. And until/unless you’re proved differently, have faith that you’re with one of them.

I used to grow frustrated that my now-husband couldn’t seem to grasp the enormity of my ex’s transgressions. But then, I found solace in that fact. He doesn’t get it because that kind of deception is simply not in is vocabulary. And I’m more than okay with that.

In yourself…Have confidence that you will be able to move through your past and have the security of trust again. Operate with the certainty that you’ll get there and the focus will help you find your way.

In the beginning, I was asking if I could trust again. A few months out, I changed that to a declaration, “I WILL trust again.” I didn’t know how or when, but I made trust a goal rather than a question.

Acceptance

In your partner… For those of us who struggle with trust, we can often confuse disappointment with deception. Your partner will make mistakes. They will disappoint you. That’s not a breach of trust, that’s a fact of life.

In his willingness to readily own up to his mistakes, my now-husband has helped me find acceptance with infallibility. None of us are perfect. Stuff happens. And that’s why trust is an ongoing process.

In yourself… Accept your part. Do you turn away from uncomfortable truths? Do you start off believing that everything is a lie and seek only to prove it? Do you place the onus for trust on another’s shoulders? Also, accept that you have been wounded and that it will take time and patience for you to heal.

As soon as I shifted my focus from what my ex did to what I needed to do, my healing really began. Even though I could continue to blame him for destroying my trust, learning how to find it again was up to me.

Trust is not expecting your partner to be perfect.

Trust is choosing a partner that faces instead of hides.

Trust is not never being hurt or disappointed.

Trust is looking beyond the result and seeing the intention.

Trust is not searching for ways that others are trying to deceive you.

Trust is listening to your gut and sifting out the truth.

Trust is not trying to control every action and every outcome.

Trust is operating within your locus of control and releasing the end result.

Trust starts with you. And it’s up to you.

Three Questions to Ask Yourself to Extinguish Your Divorce Anger

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The anger bubbled to the surface, blistering under the broiler that was the financial mess my first husband gifted to me in the divorce. Every month, as I made payments I struggled to afford towards debt that he had accrued, my body would respond with a vicious energy and my mind would rail against the unfairness of it all.

That anger was poison roiling inside me, its caustic nature wearing away at me, in some ways causing even more damage than he had done with his reckless spending and deliberate betrayals.

Whenever somebody pointed out that my anger was only hurting me, I grew defensive and, yes, angry. “I’m justified to feel this way!” I would insist. “He did these things and left me to clean up his mess. It’s not fair!”

And I was right.

But so were they.

He may have initiated my anger through his actions, but it was now my responsibility to eradicate my own rage.

Here are the questions I asked myself along with the answers I arrived at that finally allowed me to release my anger:

Why do I feel angry?

I feel foolish.

We all like to think of ourselves as smart, as aware. When we hear about incidents befalling others, we find comfort in the idea that it couldn’t happen to us because we’re too perceptive. So when it does happen to us, we feel like a chump.

Maybe you’re embarrassed about your mate selection, only now realizing how poorly you picked. Perhaps you were betrayed and you didn’t pick up on the signs of the infidelity. Or now you believe you married too young, or didn’t heed the red flags or made choices that led to the derailment of your marriage.

There’s a reason that public embarrassment provides the spark for many grade school fights  – we don’t like the vulnerability and shame that feeling foolish provokes, so we respond by turning the tables and attacking back.

Six Reasons Smart People Are Dumb in Love

It’s not fair.

“After all that I did for him, this is how he repays me???”

But there are no scorecards in life, no playground monitors ensuring that everybody gets their turn or Hollywood directors carefully crafting an ending. And so most things don’t fall into our vision of “fair.”

The anger here comes from the disconnect between our expectations (that if we do good, good should come back) and reality (both good and bad happen to us all).

I wasted my time.

When a marriage ends, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that all of the time and energy that went into the relationship was a waste, thrown out like milk turned sour.

And that is time that you can never recoup.  Opportunities that were passed by that may never come around again.

When my ex left, I found myself questioning all of the major decisions I made while we were together and blaming him for all of my choices. Choices I would have made differently if I had known the end result.

Is the Time Spent in a “Failed” Marriage Wasted?

Why did they act this way?

 

He acted to protect himself rather than to try to wound me.

This realization was probably the single most important factor in my ability to finally let go of the anger. I had been envisioning him as some sort of malevolent conductor, carefully orchestrating my undoing.

It took time for me to depersonalize it all and to see it from his perspective. He was acting to try to alleviate his own pain and in turn, carelessly caused mine.

Selfish? Absolutely.

But not a targeted attack.

He was too cowardly to face things.

I certainly would have preferred a sit down talk about the state of our finances and marriage to abandonment and embezzlement, but he wasn’t capable of that kind of honesty at that point.

It takes courage to face hard truths and to have difficult conversations. Often when people behave poorly in a marriage, they lack that courage and instead express themselves in a more passive-aggressive (and often more destructive) manner.

He was damaged and may have been coping the best he knew how.

I started to see him as a scared and wounded child, putting together the pieces I knew of his past and his family.  I saw the shame that drove him deeper into the shadows. I learned of the depth of the addictions that drove his lies. I saw the overwhelming darkness that he became lost in, choking on the very cloak he tried to hide behind.

And I softened towards him. It didn’t excuse his actions, they were still unpardonable and it didn’t lessen the damage he caused. But it did help to take away some of the sting that stirred the anger.

How can I release the anger?

 

Be grateful.

With every payment I made towards the debt he amassed, I wrote down one thing I was grateful for in my current life. At the beginning, this exercise was a challenge, sometimes requiring more than an hour for one positive entry to cross my mind.

But in time, it became easy. Faced with that tangible list of positives every month, I could see my new and better life growing in front of my eyes. It was still a high price to pay, but I was determined to make sure the payments weren’t going to be made in vain.

Compose a letter.

I started journaling the week my ex left, the pages a silent receptacle for the pain and anger welling up inside me. At the same time, I composed letters to him, alternately screaming and crying. I sent two of those, the rest I kept.

The purging felt good. Necessary.

But it didn’t alleviate the anger.

Until I wrote a very particular one – the letter that I wanted to receive from him.

As you can imagine, it felt strange at first writing this. But soon, the awkwardness faded and the tears came. Healing tears, tears of mourning and yet acceptance.

I read that letter frequently the first year, the words feeling real. And isn’t that what matters?

Work to right the wrongs. 

Anger demands action.

I identified the primary sources of my anger towards the situation and actively worked to address each in turn.

I felt foolish, so I decided to counteract that embarrassment by sharing my story and helping others know that they were not alone.

I felt like it was unfair, so I found ways to earn money out of the experience and used those resources to help pay for the debt he incurred.

I felt angry about the time spent with him and the decisions I made with the marriage in mind, so I focused on celebrating the positives that came out of those times and choices.

I was justified in my anger.

But that didn’t mean I needed to keep it.

So Your Ex Wants to Be Friends?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I want us to be friends.”

This little sentence shows up on your phone alongside your ex’s name. It’s a simple sentence, yet the implications and possible repercussions are anything but straightforward.

You start to reply. Then you reconsider and delete your initial response. What should you say?

Before you make a decision about your ex’s desire to be friends after divorce, ask yourself these questions:

How long has it been since the divorce?

There are no hard and fast rules here. Some people can be friendly with their exes throughout the divorce process and others still can’t be in the same room even decades later.

Yet there is something to be said for instituting a “you keep to your life and I’ll keep to mine” rule during the divorce and for a year or so after. That distance helps both of you create the separation needed to be able to move forward and encourages the release of interdependency. Time allows any romantic feelings or residual resentment to fade, creating a blanker canvas where friendship may be able to grow.

 

Was the decision to divorce mutual or one-sided?

“I want to move in with my affair partner but I still want to be friends” is a very different situation than an agreed-upon divorce after years of growing apart. A mutual decision to divorce may in fact have been reached because over time, the marriage transitioned into more of a friendship.

If you have been dumped, you may recoil at the very thought of remaining friendly with your ex. Or conversely, you may find that you jump at the chance of a friendship with the unspoken hope that it may evolve into something more. If the decision to divorce was one-sided, there is an imbalance that may preclude friendship, at least for a time.

 

Are you working to establish a co-parenting relationship with your ex?

A productive co-parenting relationship is analogous to a connection with a coworker. It’s two people who have negotiated boundaries and expectations in order to effectively manage external tasks and demands. This takes time to figure out and during this period of trial and error, it’s often best to try to minimize the emotional involvement.

And just like friendships at work can be tricky, adding an element of friendship to a new co-parenting relationship can complicate matters. It’s one thing to be frustrated at your child’s other parent for failing to follow through on a promised plan, but it’s something else entirely when that person is also a confidant.

If, however, your co-parenting relationship is established and functional, you may find that the addition of a friendship is beneficial to the larger family and that you’re able to successfully negotiate any issues that arise.

 

Do you have any physical sensations of stress or attraction when you’re around your ex?

Do butterflies of excitement begin to flutter when you see your ex’s car pull up? Or instead, do you find that you begin to develop a headache whenever they’re around?

These physical signs are an indication that you are still emotionally tied to your ex, either positively or negatively. Either of these makes beginning a friendship a dangerous game to play because you’re only intensifying the emotional connection.

 

Do you find that talking to your ex brings down your mood or leads to a sense of anxiety?

Maybe you feel fine when you’re with your ex only to become snappy with the kids later. Perhaps you realize that a night spent tossing and turning always seems to follow contact. Or possibly a general sense of malaise comes on the tail of every visit.

Friends should make you feel better. If you end up feeling worse, maybe “friend” isn’t the best label to assign.

 

Is a friendship with your ex preventing you from moving on with your post-divorce life?

Some friendships with the ex develop out of a sense of loneliness and expediency. It’s much easier to fall back into a relationship with someone you know than to put forth the effort and risk the vulnerability with someone new. However, these types of convenience and comfort-based friendships can also be limiting, acting as anchors that are keeping you tied to your past.

 

Does your ex have a history of manipulation and/or deception?

If so, you’re on tricky ground here. Perhaps your ex wants to be friends in order to maintain a sense of control over you. Maybe they want to be close so that they can continue to manipulate your thoughts and actions.

These people have a tendency to be charmers, so this bid for friendship may feel especially attractive, particularly if they have rejected you in the past. Proceed with caution here. Once you’re close, it becomes difficult to perceive any deceptions and attempts to control.

 

Is this bid for friendship coming on the heels of a major post-divorce milestone?

Has your ex just celebrated a major birthday? Or did their mother just get diagnosed with cancer? Did the youngest child just graduate high school? Did you just announce your engagement?

If the proposal of friendship came soon after a major life event, take some time to consider the motivation. It may be completely innocuous, such as the death of a loved one prompting a greater sense of mortality. Or it could be calculating, such as looking for someone to act as nurse during their convalescence.

 

How have you (or will you) responded to the news that your ex is seeing someone new?

Part of being a friend is celebrating the good news of the other person. Anygood news, even if it results in a new romantic partner. Can you honestly celebrate their budding romance? If not, friendship may be premature.

On the flipside, can your ex handle your new partner gracefully? A friend that will give you honest feedback is great. But one that will veto every catch out of lingering jealousy is not.

 

Do you want to have a friendship with your ex?

If you had no history with your ex and you met them in a coffee shop, would you be interested in starting a friendship? Do you still enjoy time with your ex? Are you willing and able to let go of the past in order to establish a larger family unit that consists (or may eventually consist) of new partners and new children?

Because that’s what it ultimately comes down to. There are no rules that dictate the type of relationship you have with your ex. If you want to be friends, accept the offer. If you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with saying no and deleting the request.