Self-Doubt During Times of Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I spent some time this morning journaling about self-doubt. And since this is a common reaction during periods of change and divorce certainly qualifies as a major life renovation, I decided to share my thoughts with you –

  • Self-doubt is a normal, natural and expected part of any transition.
  • It is temporary and it’s worst at the beginning when there is more planning/expectation and less progress/action.
  • Be careful not to feed your self-doubt. I have noticed that mine is fed through certain Facebook groups, information that feels overwhelming and conversations with people that either dismiss or amplify my anxieties (it feels best when people both hear my fear and also express their belief in me). I need to consciously limit my exposure to these, especially when I’m feeling more doubt.
  • Fears WILL change over time. What seems the scariest right now will become less intimidating and then new fears will emerge. Again, normal.
  • Hard is not impossible. We teach this to kids all the time. We may be older and more set in our ways, but the concept still applies. Besides, anything worthwhile in life takes effort.
  • What real evidence do you have to support your self-doubt? Probably less than you initially think.
  • What other times did you experience self-doubt? How long did it last? What did you do right to get through it? How do you feel about that scenario now? I reflected back on when I first started teaching (which was terrifying). The self-doubt built as I finished my degree and I went through the first few months of teaching feeling like an imposter. I did quite a bit right – I had mentors, I listened to lots of advice (and generally tried it to see if it fit before deciding if I should keep or discard it), I gathered an abundance of information, I made connections and I kept going. Now, teaching is automatic and I feel extremely confident in any related environment.
  • Take it slowly. It’s an elephant. Don’t choke.
  • Seriously, take it one day at a time.
  • After all, it’s not like you have a choice in that.
  • Unless you can go into suspended animation and awake only when the transition is over??? (If anyone knows how to do this, please message me.)
  • List your skills and strengths that are going to help you through this. And no, self-doubt is not a strength.
  • Confidence building will be important critical. What makes you feel confident? For me, I need a combination of things that get me out of my head (exercise, I’m looking at you!), things I’m good at and things that make me feel more secure.
  • Unplug. Take a break. Step away. Pushing all the time doesn’t make you stronger. It makes you tired.
  • This is exciting!!! No, really. That feeling in your stomach? That’s enthusiasm, not dread. You have an opportunity to learn, to grow, to challenge assumptions. You are entering a new world. It’s time to explore.
  • It’s an adventure. Be curious about what might lie around the next corner.
  • Self-doubt is not a stop sign. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s only a sign that you’re doing something different.
  • Big rewards only come from risk.
  • Besides, things change no matter what. Isn’t it nice when you at least get to have some say in them?
  • You got this.
  • No, really. You do.
  • Your self-doubt is kind of like that bitchy girl back in middle school who puts everyone else down because deep inside, she’s really insecure. Your self-doubt is speaking from its own fears, not your limitations.
  • One day, you will feel comfortable and confident about this and wonder why you were so silly with all this angst.
  • You. Got. This. (and I do too)

Strategies to Override Negative Thoughts After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is completely normal to be plagued with negative thoughts during and after divorce. It’s a challenging time where you’re facing loss and uncertainty and your prior coping strategies may not be quite up to the task. Here are some actionable strategies that you can employ if you’re struggling with any of these common negative thought spirals after divorce:

Negative Thought – “I’m not good enough.”

This negative thought can arise from any divorce, especially since the end of a marriage often brings with it a sense of failure. It is especially common when there was infidelity or abandonment, as those actions are easily internalized.

If you’re struggling with feeling like you are not enough, try some of the following:

  • Gather up old letters, cards, emails, texts, etc. from people who love and care about you. Assemble these into a “smile file” (this can be tangible or digital) and set aside a few minutes a day to look at it to remind yourself of what others see in you even when you’re having trouble seeing it in yourself.
  • Build up your physical strength or endurance. The interaction between the mind and body is completely amazing. When you begin to feel the strength and capability in your body, you will also begin to believe in your mind.
  • If your ex’s voice is in your head saying negative things about you, take pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and refute each and every one of their claims about you. This exercise can help to remove the power that their words have over you.
  • Volunteer. Time spent giving back to others is also time that you’re out of your own head. Additionally, you’ll benefit from seeing the positive impact that you can have on others.
  • Limit your social media exposure. It has a way of bringing anyone down.


Negative Thought – “I wish things could be different.”

This is a persistent negative thought for many people. Some wish they could go back to the way things were (or at least the way they thought things were). Others direct their energy towards trying to get their ex to act or respond differently (which is a frustrating and ultimately fruitless exercise).

If you are ruminating on the past or wasting energy trying to change your situation, try some of the following:

  • Start a daily gratitude practice. I like to use an app for this purpose, but you can also use a journal or even an audio or video recording. These can be brief (1-3 things each day) and simple. They are a powerful reminder that even though you’re dealing with unwanted change, there is still good in your life. And whatever you nurture, grows.
  • Take a piece of paper. Divide it into two sections and label them “Things I CAN change” and “Things I CAN”T change.” Then, brainstorm at least 5-6 entries for each. Commit to spending your energy only on the items in the first column.
  • If you have a tendency to reach out to your ex when you shouldn’t, make it more difficult to contact them. Remove their number from your phone. Block them. Lock your phone in your car when during those periods when you’re more vulnerable.

Negative Thought – “I can’t move on without closure.”

The search for closure keeps many people stuck after divorce. We tell ourselves that we need resolution and answers before we can let go and move on. Yet often, those wished-for accountabilities never appear.

If you’re having trouble accepting a lack of closure, try some of the following:

  • Start a journal. Focus your entries on those questions that are still haunting you. Explore some likely explanations. Keep going until you land on something that feels like truth. Once you find it, accept it in.
  • Create your own closure ceremony. Perhaps you burn old photographs or repurpose your wedding dress. Take something that had meaning in your old life and metaphorically (or literally) bury it.
  • Complete this sentence, “Because this happened, I have learned…” Once you can identify what you have learned from an experience, you have moved forward from that experience. The lesson IS the closure.

Negative Thought – “I’ll never be happy again.”

Divorce can be a heavy, dark cloud obscuring any hope for happiness. It’s easy to buy into “the good old days” and assume that the upcoming moments will continue to be bathed in darkness.

If you’re mourning the loss of the life you had and wondering if you can ever be happy again, try some of these:

  • Spend time in nature. It has an amazing way of reminding us that death and renewal are natural cycles. Marvel at the new growth fed by the decaying matter. Delight in the sliver of sunlight peeking through the clouds. Soak it in. All of it.
  • Set yourself up for laughter. Go see live comedy (even if you’re by yourself). Rewatch your favorite funny movies from your youth. Try puppy yoga (seriously, it’s impossible to keep a stoic demeanor). If you prime the pump for levity in these small ways, you’re setting the stage for something bigger.
  • Schedule smiles. Put one small thing on your calendar every week that you look forward to. Every 1-3 months, schedule something bigger that you enjoy. Don’t allow yourself to talk yourself out of these. It’s easy to get caught up in the, “I won’t have without my partner.” But that sentiment is only true if you allow yourself to believe it.
  • Have conversations with an elderly person who has a positive outlook. Ask about their experiences. Most likely, they have endured several upheavals in their life that they worried they wouldn’t recover from. And yet they did.
  • Write down the expectations you had for your life that you now fear are gone. Analyze them. How many are TRULY out of the realm of possibility now? I bet it’s fewer than you thought.

Negative Thought – “Why did this happen to me?”

When life throws curves that cause us to careen off course, we often wonder what we did to deserve such fate. It feels unfair as blows reign down on our unsuspecting frame.

If you’re feeling victimized or consumed by thoughts of rumination and self-pity, try some of the following:

  • Read either fiction or memoir that features people overcoming obstacles. Not only is it motivating, it helps to remind you that bad stuff happens to good people all the time and that people often overcome great obstacles to become great.
  • Identify a way that you can create some purpose from the pain. Can you reach out and help others that are experiencing similar? Are you able to apply your knowledge and skills to assist people that are also facing this situation? Maybe your gift comes with an artistic bent, using this to fuel your creative endeavors.
  • List your particular traits that make you better able to handle this situation than somebody else. Are you a good problem-solver? Maybe you’re amazing at networking and bringing people together. Whatever your strengths, focus on how they can help you now.
  • Occupy your mind. An idea mind often wanders to the past and gets lost there. Put structure in your days to limit your down time. Add activities that keep you busy and keep you moving.

Negative Thought – “This is too overwhelming.”

Moving on from the pain of divorce and rebuilding a new life are huge undertakings. If we had the means, I’m sure we would all love to hire an entire team to help. But more often than not, we’re left to do it alone.

If you’re feeling paralyzed by the sheer enormity of the challenges in front of you, try some of the following:

  • Identify a very small step that you can take immediately. And then, before you have a chance to overthink it, act on it. Inertia is a powerful force, yet it only takes the smallest nudge to upset it.
  • Channel your stubbornness and determination. Find a picture of you that represents your inner strength to you. Put it where you can see it along with a promise that you WILL recapture that spirit again.
  • Create accountability in your life. Enlist technology to remind you to tackle the small tasks and friends to ask if they have been crossed off the list.
  • Link things that you have to do with things that you want to do. Make all the calls to your lawyer with your favorite cup of coffee in your hand or only wear your favorite socks when you’re on your intended walks.
  • Create a doable, but challenging goal for yourself. There is great power in a finish line as it provides both a needed distraction and the motivation to keep moving.

Are You Harboring Any of These Toxic Thoughts?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
toxic thoughts

By now, I think we’re all pretty aware of toxic people. Those emotional vampires who use, abuse and bully their way through life. We’re better able to identify those one-sided relationships that leave us shattered and shelled, picking our splintered pieces off the floor. And we’re less tolerant of the mistreatment, less willing to provide sanctuary and more apt to excise toxic people from our lives.

It’s important that we tend to that external garden, pull those weeds from our lives and erect boundaries to contain those prone to overgrowth and encroachment. Yet it’s perhaps even more critical that we attend to our inner garden, nurturing those thoughts that beautify us and eradicating those that become noxious weeds.

Are you harboring any of these toxic thoughts?

If Only

The “what ifs” are the kudzu of the mental landscape, covering everything else with their tenacious tendrils until your normal thoughts are starved for both light and air. The thoughts of what might have been or what could potentially be are seductive, whispering possibilities of dreams unrealized, situations untenable and paths never taken. These thoughts of “If only things were different…” are toxic because they are rooted in fantasy and magical thinking, counting on only wishes to grow. Their winding ways make us feel as though we’re taking action, yet they really just keep us moving in circles.

Instead, use your desire for things to be different to identify areas of discontent. Then, clear away the winding wishes to see what truly lies beneath. You may likely find that the source of your dissatisfaction isn’t what you initially thought as you begin to see things differently. And then, once you know what you’re working working with, you can devise a plan. And some real action.

I Can’t

The toxic thoughts of “I can’t” cause us to see walls where they do not exist, holding us prisoner of our own minds. “I can’t” and its cousin, “it’s impossible” shut down any possible solutions before they’re even entertained. These toxic thoughts are fertilized by fear, the anxiety of attempting something and finding it difficult or even reaching failure stamping down the motivation to even try.

Before you allow yourself to reach the conclusion that something is impossible, allow your mind to explore the possibilities without censor. Play with the ideas. Don’t worry yet about the feasibility. Yes, part of this exercise is to help you discover a potential solution or option. But perhaps the most important part of this assignment is simply to help you realize that you are not trapped. Even though some ideas may be impossible, others will be within reach.

I’m Broken

The injurious thought of “I’m broken” has a permanence to it. It suggests that the breakage is absolute and endless, a shattered and worthless self scattered upon the floor.  It’s a natural thought to have when you’re experiencing the gut-ripping of piercing pain and facing a situation that has left you undeniably changed.

It makes sense to accept the alterations that have occurred in your life and, in response, to you. It’s healthy to begin where you are (as opposed to living with the “if onlys”). Yet it’s limiting (and not accurate) to think that the pain and the change mean that you can never be whole again. You’re different, yes. And you have everything you need to be okay again.

You may feel like you’re in pieces, but you don’t have pieces of you missing. Here’s one of the best allegories of that concept ever done.

It’s All or None

“I’m not ready to get married again, so I can’t date.”

“My ex was unfaithful, therefore all men will cheat eventually.”

“My attempt at online dating was unsuccessful, so I’m destined to be alone forever.”

All of these statements contain the poison of all or none thinking at their core. An inevitable line is drawn from a single date to a wedding. One person’s bad behavior is extended to an entire gender. And a failure in one venue for a period of time is assumed to continue in all arenas and for all time.

All or none thinking is a form of mountaining – looking at our obstacles in such a way as to make them appear much larger than they actually are. These can be difficult thoughts to dismiss because they do contain some truth and it’s often easier to write off an entire choice rather than explore the issue further.

Be conscious of the path your thoughts lead you down. You may be reaching conclusions that are more mirage than reality.

Outcome-Focused

This type of toxic thinking is related to, “I’ll be okay if…” It confuses our agency over our actions with control over the outcomes. And that’s a fruitless and frustrating place to occupy because your energy is being directed elsewhere while you begin to feel drained.

When our thoughts are focused on the external results, we risk missing opportunities for internal adjustments. Furthermore, we may attach false beliefs and labels to ourselves, believing we “failed,” when really we’re measuring the wrong thing. Be aware of your locus of control. If something exists outside of that, release any attachment to the outcome and instead pay attention to what you can alter.

Here’s a quick rundown of what is your stuff…and what is not.

I Give Up

Knowing when and being willing to let go is an excellent trait to have. And it is completely different than the toxic thought of giving up.

Giving up is born from fear or frustration. Sometimes this is wise. Your fear may be telling you that the path is too treacherous and it is safer to turn back. However, fear is a sly companion. It is the taxi driver capitalizing on your ignorance to lead you astray. Fear will lie to you and tell you that you are in mortal danger when, in fact, you are perfectly safe. When you quit, you are listening to that fear and believing its stories. You may feel embarrassed or ashamed that you chose to throw in the towel. You may get defensive, throwing up walls and justifying your decision. When we give up out of fear, we often feel unfinished. Unsatisfied. Unsettled. When you let fear be your chauffeur, your destination will not be the one you intended.

Letting go happens when you face your fear. It is that moment when your fear is telling you to grip tight and you choose to release. Letting go is born of acceptance, an understanding that you cannot control all of the outcomes. Letting go gives a sense of peace. Of weightlessness. Giving up is easy. Letting go is not. It is conscious, deliberate act that may take years or decades. It requires patience and compassion. Give yourself that gift and be the driver of your own life.

101 Completely Normal Thoughts to Have During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce normal
  1. My life is over.
  2. So this is what feeling gutted feels like.
  3. The bed feels so empty. Cold.
  4. There’s nobody to complain about crumbs in the bed. Cookies!
  5. Ugh. Now I’m bloated and still sad.
  6. Am I going to be alone forever?
  7. I could sell everything and leave the country. Start over on some beach somewhere.
  8. But that’s too much work. It’s hard enough just to get the weekly groceries.
  9. Besides, that was the dream we had together.
  10. Jerk.
  11. I want to kill my ex.
  12. I want my ex back.
  13. No, scratch that. I want my ex to want me back so that I can tell them to screw off.
  14. What am I going to tell people?
  15. I wish I had a publicity agent like Jolie and Pitt to handle that.
  16. But then I’d have cameras in my face during all of this.
  17. Ugh. My face is all puffy and pale.
  18. Can I hibernate until this is over? Pretty please?
  19. Or maybe I’ll wake up and discover that all of this was just a nightmare.
  20. Is it normal to feel this way?
  21. When am I going to feel better? I’m so tired of this.
  22. What if that’s it? What if that was the best I’ll ever have and it’s all downhill from here?
  23. God, I’m such a cliché.
  24. Nobody understands what I’m feeling.
  25. At least my lawyer is looking out for me.
  26. What!?! $850 for an email response and a single phone call.
  27. My lawyer is evil.
  28. I could sell all of the evidence of our married life on eBay to help pay for all this.
  29. It’s all sh*t.
  30. Where did all these happily coupled people come from???
  31. No really, it’s like they’re extras hired from some movie set brought in specifically to torture me.
  32. Love sucks.
  33. I’m going to be single and strong and independent forever. Screw this love thing.
  34. I’m lonely.
  35. When did the nights get so long?
  36. I am so tired.
  37. I need to make more of an effort.
  38. Am I too old to wear this now?
  39. Hmmm… my butt still looks pretty good.
  40. You know, I’m going to get to have sex with a new person.
  41. Sh*t! I’m going to have to have sex with a new person.
  42. I better start exercising.
  43. Tomorrow.
  44. Why have my friends distanced themselves?
  45. It’s like they think divorce is contagious.
  46. Wait, that one couple friend of our broke up last year.
  47. Maybe it is catching.
  48. I certainly feel like I’m in quarantine.
  49. I don’t need those friends anyway. Their lives are so boring.
  50. I can now completely reinvent myself.
  51. Maybe I’ll quit my job. Go all bohemian.
  52. Bucket list! Here I come!!!
  53. I miss my old life.
  54. Why does it take something this big to provide perspective?
  55. God, I’m so dumb.
  56. I wonder if I’m even capable of being in a working relationship?
  57. And now I have baggage. A scarlet “Damaged” sign.
  58. Ugh.
  59. Look! The sun’s out today!
  60. Oh, I guess it’s been out. I just noticed it. I need to get better about that.
  61. Tomorrow.
  62. So this is why self-help is so popular.
  63. I guess I’m not the only to feel this way.
  64. Good to know.
  65. Still sucks, though.
  66. I’m tired of people telling me it will be okay.
  67. My okay is being legally dissolved at a rate of $350 per hour.
  68. Why didn’t I become a lawyer?
  69. What do I do now?
  70. No, really. Somebody please tell me what to do.
  71. Wait! Am I being checked out?
  72. That feels good.
  73. Oh no. They’re walking over. I’m not ready for this.
  74. Woah. I haven’t felt that rush since prom.
  75. But this feels wrong. Like I’m cheating.
  76. I miss my ex.
  77. I wonder if my ex is thinking about me?
  78. Oh sh*t! What if someone is checking them out???
  79. I should check their Facebook.
  80. Why did I do that?
  81. How are they so happy?
  82. It’s not fair.
  83. I’m going to show them!
  84. This smile feels fake. I wonder if there’s a filter that will make it look real in the picture?
  85. I just want this to be over.
  86. But what does that even mean???
  87. I’m such a mess.
  88. I’m starting to get used to all of the extra space in the bed and not having to share the covers.
  89. If I ever marry again, I’ll have to have my own bed.
  90. Or not. I miss feeling a warm arm around me.
  91. Well, that’s that. The papers are signed. I’m officially unknotted.
  92. Why am I sad? I’ve been waiting for this day.
  93. Now what do I focus on?
  94. I shouldn’t have checked their Facebook page again.
  95. But it didn’t sting quite as badly this time.
  96. Looking at it now it’s a little blurry. A little distant.
  97. I guess that’s good.
  98. So why do I still feel sad?
  99. Still, look at all I’ve managed to get through.
  100. I’m pretty bada$$.
  101. I think I’m going to be okay.

How to Remove a Mindworm

Posted on by stilllearning2b
mindworm

Much like earworms are snippets of a song that refuses to vacate your auditory processing center, mindworms are remnants of thoughts that stubbornly replay through your brain. It’s not only annoying; it’s maladaptive. The stuttering brain becomes stuck on a particular thought and is unable to move on to the next or be receptive to new ideas.

Mindworms are tenacious little buggers. They like to hide when you focus on them too intently only to start their slithering once you allow yourself to relax. They may go quiet for hours or even days at a time, prompting a false sense of security, before making themselves heard once again.

Although not fatal, mindworms are parasites that remove some of our lifeforce. If allowed to wander for too long, they hold their host back from optimal health and wellness.

There are no quick fixes for the removal of mindworms. The development of a vaccine has stalled and post-infection medications often come with pretty severe side-effects. If you find yourself the unwitting host to a mindworm that has overstayed its welcome, try the following:

Exercise: Mindworms feed on cortisol, so anything you do to lower the amount of stress hormone coursing through your body will make the environment less pleasing to them. This isn’t the time for a lackadaisical workout, either. Lift heavy, run fast or take a class that pushes you. After the session, you should feel drained and your mind should feel blessedly empty.

Art: Sometimes mindworms stay around because they have something they want to say. Now, unfortunately, they’re not very direct when it comes to expressing their needs. The best way to listen to a mindworm is to act as a medium, allowing yourself to channel the mindworm’s ideas into a creative application. Once the pastel or brush is in your hand, sit back and let the mindworm go.

Music: Although genetically related, earworms and mindworms do not make happy bedfellows (perhaps because they both demand to be the center of attention). So invite an earworm in. It’s best if you surround yourself with the music of your choosing. Car stereos on the highway seem to be particularly effective, especially if you sing along.

Gum: No, really. Perhaps it’s the rhythmic movement of the jaw or the addition of another foreign object in the head, but gum seems to act as a mindworm deterrent. This is a great strategy to use when you’re busy. After all, you can’t exactly start bench-pressing the conference table in a meeting or blast Metallica at your child’s soccer game, but you can slip in a piece of gum.

Write: Mindworms are a bit narcissistic. They think their message is the most important thing ever. So indulge them. Publish their words in your journal. And then put your own spin on it. You see, mindworms are good at starting a story, but they’re famous for leaving off the conclusion, which makes their tales endlessly cycle. So create your own ending when you write.

Mindfulness Walk: Mindworms are resistant to traditional meditation techniques. In fact, they can easily turn your om moment into a wrestling match. It works better to sneak up on them with your mindfulness. Thus the walk. A mindfulness walk starts with an intention. For example, you can decide to focus on all of the doors in the neighborhood, or on everything that is the color red or on all of the sounds. Then, one foot in front of the other while gently refocusing the mind on the intended target.

These techniques are not only effective for removing a mindworm infestation, they also seem to have a preventative effect. So, make sure to visit them often in order to keep your mind free of these pesky parasites.