After the Affair: How Much Should You Talk About It?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The affair has been uncovered. The decision has been made to try to save the relationship. There’s a constant tension though – the one who has been betrayed feels the need to talk about it all of the time (“I want you to understand the pain you have put me through”) and the one who cheated wants to put it behind them and move on (“If you keep punishing me for the past, we’ll never make it”).

As with everything, there is no one-size-fits all answer here and both perspectives have some valid points.

 

If you cheated on your partner,

When they first discover the affair, expect the tears and the anger to be ever-present. Their entire world has just collapsed. They though that you were their rock, that they count count on you, and that foundation has just been abruptly pulled from beneath their feet. They will probably say some very harsh things. It won’t be rational because they have been thrown into full-on fight or flight. This is not the time to be defensive or to try to correct assumptions, even if they’re off-base. Your role right now is just to take it (as long as it doesn’t move into threatening territory).

And yes, it sucks to be attacked, to be villainized. But guess what? It sucks to be cheated on too. They didn’t ask for this. You made choices and those choices have consequences. It’s time for you to take responsibility, and some of that is being open and willing to listen to their pain.

Now obviously, if this emotional intensity continues and the affair is an ever-present topic of conversation, the relationship cannot heal. But you don’t get to control your spouse’s reactions or dictate the timeline of their healing. You’ve already taken away their agency by having the affair. You don’t get to tell them how to move on. There is a difference between you being uncomfortable because you cannot hide from your poor choices and your spouse deliberately using your past to hurt you.

You don’t have to stay in a position where you are feeling constantly punished for an extended period of time. Just like they have the right to say, “I just can’t get over what you have done and I think we should end things,” you have the right to set your boundaries around this too.

 

If you have been cheated on,

In the beginning, you need to talk. Your pain demands to be heard, you are desperately seeking understanding and you’re trying to process this enormous thing that has completely upended your life. Obviously – and understandably, some of this will be directed at your spouse. Yet make sure that they are not your only outlet. These feelings you’re carrying are big and are best distributed. Seek out a therapist or support group, a trusted friend or two and a journal. These become especially important as time passes and your healing is on a different schedule than the one the relationship is on.

It’s natural to want to know every detail about the affair as you try to regain some sense of control over your life. Yet this information has diminishing returns and focusing too much on the play-by-play keeps the energy in the past. It’s also understandable that you have the impulse to share every time you’re triggered. After all, they are the ones that planted that seed to begin with. It makes sense to share these when they first emerge so that you can talk through them together. Yet if it’s the tenth time that you’ve driven by a certain spot and your stomach plummets, it may not need mentioning. After all, they already know that this location bothers you and they can’t make that association disappear for you.

You didn’t have a say in the affair and you have every right to have a say in how the recovery plays out. It is not your role to alleviate their guilt or to stay quiet in an attempt to keep the peace. Your emotions are valid. That being said, be mindful of your motivation when you bring up the affair. Are you looking for reassurances that it won’t happen again? Are you wanting to make them feel badly? Are you coming from a place of self-righteousness? Are you wanting the person that hurt you to be the one to heal you? These are all the relationship equivalent of a dryer being stuck in the tumble cycle – it will beat you both up, but won’t make much of anything happen.

None of what happened is fair. And if you’re committed to staying, you have to decide what you want more – to punish them or heal the relationship. You can’t have both.

 

 

Ten Ways to Shut Down a Conversation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We all know that communication is key when it comes to building and sustaining relationships. Yet that knowledge alone isn’t sufficient to establish an open and mutually beneficial approach to conversations.

Because, let’s face it, it can be challenging to communicate when we feel emotionally threatened or when our beliefs are being challenged. We can all make the mistake of listening to respond rather than listening to understand. And we all can respond in ways that have the unindented effect of shutting down a conversation.

Much of the time, these maladaptive responses are not ill-intentioned. Instead, they often come from a place of self-preservation or a lack of attention. Like with any behavior, these reactions can become ingrained. And like with any habit, the first step to changing it is in recognizing it.

 

Ten responses that immediately shut down a conversation…

 

1 – One-Upping

The intention here is usually a good one, an attempt to share a similar experience in an attempt to express camaraderie and understanding. Yet when this analogous experience is shared too soon or expressed in such a way that makes it seem as though there is a competition, it has the opposite effect. Instead of immediately going into the details of your similar history, consider using your personal knowledge to ask the important questions or share relevant and potentially helpful information. Alternately, you can say, “I’ve experienced something similar. Would you like to hear the specifics?”

 

2 – Minimizing or Dismissing

There is a delicate balance between acknowledging somebody’s feelings and enabling their wallowing in those feelings. It may feel helpful to tell somebody that their situation “Isn’t that bad” or that they have “No reason to feel that way.” It can seem like a sort of verbal pat on the back, a message that they can handle this. And even though you may very well be right and they may be overwhelmed and overly pessimistic in the moment, minimizing their feelings will not help them move forward.

 

3 – At Least…

This is a form of minimization where you point out the positives before the person is ready to contemplate them. I heard this quite a bit in the early weeks after my ex’s disappearance. “At least you didn’t have kids.” “At least you have a job.” “At least he didn’t kill you.” And even though those were all very real and valid statements, I couldn’t hear them at that moment. This is one of those situations where the slightest turn of phrase can make quite a difference. Instead of “At least,” which implies it’s not that bad (and assumes that they also place value in what you do), try saying, “It’s good that…”

 

4 – Redirecting

Conversations rarely operate like a movie on Netflix, where you can push the pause button or change the channel and pick up where you left off. When you change the subject or interject with a joke or off-topic comment, you may be inadvertently communicating that this conversation is not important to you. Sometimes this interjection is done to introduce some levity into a serious talk or to shift gears when the discourse has veered into unproductive territory. These types of redirections can be positive as long as they’re undertaken with care and intention.

 

5 – Beginning With Your Foot Down

Boundaries are important. And so is an open mind. When you begin a conversation with your mind already made up, you are not leaving any space for the other person. In other words, it’s no longer a dialog, it’s a knock upon a door that’s been nailed shut. It’s okay to say “No, I don’t agree” and it’s also okay to listen first. When you start a conversation with your foot down and no room to budge, views have a tendency to become even more diametrically opposed instead of landing on some common ground.

 

6 – Believing the Other Person is Wrong

Unless you’re talking to somebody who is insisting that 2 + 2 is 6, it’s rare that conversational viewpoints are so clearly incorrect. (And even then, I would be curious to learn why somebody believes that 2 + 2 is 6. I may just learn something.) I have found that curiosity leads to better conversations that judgment. Even when somebody is expressing something that goes against my personal beliefs, it doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. They simply have a different view. And that is okay.

 

7 – Trying to Fix Things

Stereotypically, men are the ones who respond to everything with a ready solution, even when their opinion on a resolution isn’t requested. But this reaction is not limited to men. Women are just as likely to try to solve every expressed problem, even when it’s nothing more than an observation or a venting session. There are two problems with this response – you may not accurately identify the problem and by offering a solution without a request for advice, you are undermining the other person’s ability to take care of their own business.

 

8 – Responding With Absolutes

“You always…” “You never…” Those phrases are rarely true. Even the biggest procrastinator sometimes comes in before a deadline. And the most passive person will sometimes stand a stand. Usually when these phrases are used, it is in an attempt to get the person to do more of the opposite. Yet, by refusing to acknowledge when the desired behavior occurs, it actually lessens the chances of it occurring. Instead, try some version of, “I noticed when you [desired behavior]. I liked that.”

 

9 – Overreacting

I saved my particular struggles for last. I’ve shared before about my own tendency to overreact. When a response is at a level ten, it encourages the other person to back off and avoid triggering a similar reply in the future. Overreacting can help create an environment where it isn’t “safe” to share and where one person feels the need to “protect” the other from the truth.

 

10 – Defensiveness

For me, this comes from my deeply internalized belief that I am what I can do for others. So, when some mistake or oversight is highlighted, I easily take that to mean that I am not enough.  Ugh. A defensive response erects a wall in a middle of a conversation. When you’re busy defending, you are no longer able to listen and process new information. I’m still working on this one myself. I think a lot of it comes down to accepting the difference between somebody rejecting my idea/opinion/feelings and somebody rejecting me.

 

I listened to a podcast last year (Conversations With People Who Hate Me), which is a fascinating study of constructive and open dialog. The host, an outspoken liberal, often faces intense criticism from people with opposing views on his YouTube channel. Instead of internalizing these comments or ignoring them, he reached out to the posters and invited them onto his show.

And here’s the really impressive part – at least to me – he talks to them with NO defensiveness and NO preconceived ideas. He asks questions and listens to their responses. He’s not afraid to voice his disagreement, but he does so in a way that doesn’t shut out the other person.

The shows are often awkward. Painful, even. Yet, more often than not, the two people who started out on opposite sides of an enormous divide, manage to find some common ground and mutual respect. It’s heartwarming, motivational and inspiring. A perfect study in how NOT to shut down a conversation.

Who Can I Talk to About My Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce talk

I talked to everyone about my divorce.

No, really.

The abruptness and the shock of it all seemed to manifest itself in an overabundance of thoughts and an inability to keep them to myself.

The clerk at the gas station learned why I trembled with anxiety every time I ran my debit card (because I was still afraid that my ex would somehow manage to drain my personal account). My coworkers heard about the latest information I gleaned from my still-legal-husband’s other wife’s blog (the description of them showering with monkeys in Uganda was a crowd favorite; you can’t make this stuff up). And my poor parents and the friend I lived with were subjected to pretty much every thought that pinball through my spinning mind.

I don’t recommend that approach.

In my case, the fallout from the verbal explosion was minimal. The mutual friends either jettisoned my ex immediately or I decided that they were not worth the effort. There were no children to get caught up in the web of oversharing. I didn’t join Facebook until after I had learned to keep my mouth shut. And, thanks to the wise encouragement of those around me, I never revealed his identity to those that didn’t already know him.

Many people react like I did and talk about their divorces too often, too openly or with the wrong people. Others decide that it’s all too personal and elect to clam up and hold it all in.

The best response is one in between, where you deliberately choose who to talk to about your divorce so that you get the support you need without the risk of additional drama or negative consequences.

Talk About Your Divorce With Impunity

 

Your journal – The absolute safest place to share all of your thoughts about your divorce is in a private journal. This is the one place where you can say anything (even the darkest thoughts and fears) without worrying about facing judgment. Just make sure that your journal is password-protected or locked if there are others around.

Your counselor, clergy or physician – These people are all professionals whose job is to help you. They are trained to be non-judgmental and required to keep your information confidential. Keep in mind that you may have to hunt around a bit to find people that seem like a good fit for you. But once you find them, don’t hold back. The more they know, the more they can assist you.

Supportive friends and family – You may have to test the waters a little bit to see who can listen sympathetically, offer the necessary guidance and keep your conversations private. Once you find these confidants, talk openly. They’re your cheerleaders and often your motivators.

 

Talk About Your Divorce With Some Caveats

 

Intimate strangers – I know it seems like an oxymoron, but it’s not. These are those people that you connect with briefly but deeply. You may meet on a plane, at an out-of-town bar or sitting in adjacent seats in a waiting room. You never exchange names or identifying details, yet the anonymity allows for a certain reckless vulnerability. In these situations, share as much as you wish about the emotional impact but withhold the particulars. Throughout, be mindful of the other person’s reaction. If they are asking questions or sharing their own circumstances, they are receptive. If they seem uncomfortable with the exchange, it’s time to move on.

Blogs and internet support groups – These can be a lifesaver when you don’t have an in-person support group or you are looking for others who have experienced similar situations to your own. These are similar to the intimate strangers in that you get to know them very well in some ways and not at all in others. Again, refrain from sharing identifying details or names of others involved (it’s up to you if you want to share your real name). In addition, be mindful of the tone of any groups that you’re joining and strive to stay within their cultural norms.

More judgmental friends and family – These are the people that love you and want the best for you, but they don’t necessarily “get” you. They may respond to your cries with, “Everything happens for a reason” or “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Your frustrations with your ex might be met with, “I never did like them. What did you expect?” They mean well, but their perspectives and responses can hurt more than help in the short term. Feel free to censor what you share with them to avoid unnecessary grief.

Attorneys – Obviously, when it comes to the legal aspects, tell your lawyer everything. But the emotional? It’s best to keep it to a minimum. Oh, they’ll listen. But you’ll end up paying. Literally.

 

Talk About Your Divorce With Caution

 

Social media – If it’s online, assume it can and will be read by everyone. If you’re still in the process of divorcing, err on the side of caution and say nothing. Social media excerpts are quite commonly used now in divorce and custody cases. After the legal proceedings are finalized, you can share some information. But be careful to avoid creating drama.

New dates – Once you’re dating, it’s natural to talk about what brought you to dating. If you can’t discuss your divorce or your ex without becoming emotional or going into the whole saga, it’s best to steer clear. If you do decide to talk about your divorce, focus more on what you’ve learned from it than on how much you despise your ex.

Children – Obviously, you will have to talk with your kids about your divorce. Repeatedly. As you do, remember that these conversations are for them, not for you. They need to hear that it’s not their fault, that both parents love them and that there will be some stability in their lives. Allow their questions to guide the conversation. It’s okay to let them know that you’re sad or scared, but you also need to show them how to move through those feelings.

Mutual friends – These poor folks are caught in the middle. If you want to keep them as friends, it’s best to keep the divorce talk to minimum.

 

Talk About Your Divorce With Abridgment

 

Professionals on the periphery – Your accountant, insurance adjuster and maybe even your child’s teacher will need to know something about your change in marital status. Share only what is necessary and only when necessary.

Coworkers – If you’re friends with any coworkers and trust their restraint, feel free to share more. Otherwise, it’s best to stick with an elevator-speech divorce announcement just to keep them in the know and to alert them that you may be having a harder time than usual at work.

Acquaintances and neighbors – Keep it short. Keep it simple. And keep any salacious details out of it. These are often the folks that like to create drama.

 

And When Not to Talk About Your Divorce

 

It’s okay to respond to questions that feel intrusive or that come at inopportune times with, “I’m not wanting to talk about that right now.” You are not required to tell anyone about what you’re going through and when and if you do share, you get to decide how much. However, be careful about being overly private and cautious. When we bottle too much up, the pressure has a tendency to build. When we share our stories, we also share the burden. Allow others to help lighten your load.

The Elephant in the Room: How to Talk to Those Experiencing Grief

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When bad things happen to good people, we’re often at a loss of how to respond and what to say. The loss becomes the elephant in the room – too unwieldy to discuss yet too big to ignore.

Here are some thoughts on how to talk to people who are dealing with loss or tragedy:

 

 

Bringing It Up

Sometimes we hesitate to bring the subject, as though the person has forgotten that their husband has left or their family member has died. You don’t have to worry about saying something that will make them think about something that they’re not already thinking about.

When everybody refuses to acknowledge the loss, it can lead the heartbroken to believe that they are alone in their pain. The mention of it lets them know that they’re not alone in their memories and their suffering.

All that being said, be cognizant about when you bring it up. At work, the person may be doing all they can to hold their grief behind a dam of conviction. And a reminder at that point may breach that wall. Also, be mindful of their response to your words. If they change the subject or shut it down, respect their wishes. If they want to talk, listen.

If you’re the one suffering in silence, let people know if and when it is okay to bring it up.  And if your friends and family cannot talk about it, perhaps it’s time to find a support group of people who can.

 

Speaking About Your Experiences

It’s natural for you to want to share your similar experiences. And there is quite a lot to be said about the power of “me too.” Yet be careful here not to minimize the experience of someone else by implying (or stating outright) that your situation was worse. Also refrain from claiming that you know exactly how they feel. Even if the circumstances are identical, the responses won’t be. Your experiences may allow you to empathize, but that’s a long way from actually being in their shoes.

If you stick your foot in your mouth by complaining about how bad traffic was on the way to their loved one’s funeral, apologize. And then forgive yourself. When we’re emotional, we often respond with nervous energy and a lack of appropriate filters.

If you’re on the other side and somebody says something ignorant to you, try to let it go. They are either trying to connect and they failed miserably or they haven’t experienced anything in the same universe as what you’re going through and they’re clueless.

 

Offering Platitudes

“It’s for the best.”

“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”

“It was meant to be.”

Just don’t. I am a huge believer in silver linings, yet there is also a hell of a lot of polishing that has to happen before you can see those. And for those in the midst of grief, there’s nothing shiny about what they’re seeing.

Often what people need more than an assurance that it will be okay is reassurance that it’s okay for them to not be okay right now.

Instead of platitude, offer condolences. Offer thoughts. Offer prayers. And offer to just listen, without judgement.

If you receive some of these platitudes, try to remember that they’re coming from a place of love. Those who care about you don’t want to see you hurt and they’re trying to reassure you (and them) that you’ll make it through.

 

Expecting Them To Be “Over It”

Grief does not speak calendar. They’re not going to be suddenly healed after a month. Or three. Or even a dozen. The pain of loss ebbs and flows, but it is always there like the pools left behind from an outgoing tide.

It’s unfair to expect them to be “back to normal” after a period of time. In fact, their normal may in fact be different now. Be compassionate about where they are in their pain. Accept that they have been changed by their experience and that this is not about making you feel comfortable.

If you’re experiencing people telling you that you should be “over it,” begin by asking yourself if there is any credibility to their claim. It’s easy to become stuck in grief and sometimes this is how others let us know that we need help to keep moving. If this is not the case, read this and try to refrain from punching the person.

 

Accepting Your Own Triggers

Loss has a strange way of bringing up all past losses. When you look at the faces at a funeral, some are crying for the life being honored on that day, some are crying at the remembrance of past losses and many are weeping for both.

Be mindful of your own triggers when helping someone else through their grief. These can be reminders about your past experiences or even triggered fears about what could happen to you in the future. This is one (of so many) reasons that losing a child is so hard – the other parents cannot bear to fathom that loss themselves and so they often create distance from the impacted family.

Be honest about what you’re feeling. If needed, get support for yourself so that you can be present for your loved one.

If you’re the one facing loss, understand that not everybody will be able to be present for you because of their own struggles. It doesn’t mean they care about you any less, it just means they are also wrestling with their own emotions.

 

Overall, the most important thing you can do for somebody else is to simply be there. Letting them know that they are not alone.

Why Is Bringing Up Divorce Considered to Be Awkward?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The headline on my news feed grabbed my attention.

Kelly Ripa Wraps Up First Week Back to ‘Live!’ With Awkward Divorce Comment to Michael Strahan

The names didn’t garner my notice – I haven’t seen Kelly Ripa since she was a newbie next to Regis and I had never even heard Michael Strahan’s name at that point.

What drew my eye was “awkward divorce.” And so I clicked.

And grew confused. I have not seen the clip, but from what I have read, the comment didn’t seem to merit the backlash it has been getting. The, “How dare she bring up his divorces?” As though the mere mention of divorce is taboo.

Fueling the stigma and feeding the shame surrounding divorce.

Maybe I’m just desensitized from years of teaching middle schoolers who randomly shout out things like, “How old were you when you first kissed a boy?” in the middle of a lesson on factoring polynomials, but it takes a lot to offend or surprise me.

Certainly more than referencing divorce.

Especially when it’s part of a question with the intent to learn (which it seems was Kelly Ripa’s goal as they were discussing bird’s nest coparenting).

Divorce is “the thing that shall not be named” in our current culture, as though the utterance of those two syllables will bring it to your doorstep.

It’s time for divorce to come out from the shadows. For those impacted to be able to speak without fear of judgment. For those with questions to feel free to ask them. And if they go unanswered, it is because of personal choice rather than from societal pressure to remain mute.

I have been part of more conversations about the intricacies of childbirth around lunch tables than I have about the end of relationships. And yet the experience is just about as universal.

Divorce is most often discussed with other divorcees. Behind closed doors or in members-only groups. But they’re not the only ones who can benefit from that discussion. Because those seeking to prevent it can learn from those who have endured it. By making it taboo, it only increases the mystery, shame and fear surrounding it. Talking about it, rather than increase its likelihood, may actually have the opposite effect as lessons are passed around.

Divorce is hell, but talking about it doesn’t have to be awkward.