relationships

Excuses

Posted on November 15, 2013March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Our brains are rather comical creatures. Have you ever noticed how they have a tendency to throw up excuses faster than a juggler’s balls in the final act rather than simply face reality? Have you observed the energy expended as your children come up with one creative reason after another to avoid homework or cleaning their room when simply addressing the task at hand would often be easier? Do you get frustrated with friends or family when they complain about a situation and yet fail to make any changes?

Do you ever notice your own excuses?

It’s okay.

We all make them.

You can admit it here.

Sometimes it can be helpful when someone calls us out on them.

(Assuming we’re willing to listen, of course.)

Often others see what we cannot.

But sometimes, you’re on your own. Maybe others do not register your excuses. Or maybe they perceive you as too fragile to tackle them head on or they are too timid themselves. Or perhaps they’re busy creating their own excuses as well.

Regardless, sometimes you have to push your own head down into the metaphorical bucket of cold water. To wake up. To stop the stutter of excuses.

When these excuses get in the way of moving forward, I call them healing hangups. They are beliefs and perceptions that hold us back.

I caught myself in two healing hangups after the divorce and it wasn’t until I addressed them both that I was able to unhook from the pull of the past.

The first hangup I had was the belief that in order to heal, I would have to find understanding. I was so blindsided that I felt a desperate need to understand why my husband could do those things. I needed to to know what drove his actions. I grasped at labels for a time, seeking comprehension in a diagnosis. I read books. I talked to others. I was always searching for elusive “why.”

I now see it as a snipe hunt; there was no label, no information that would really answer the question that my heart cried out for – How can you betray someone you claim to love? How can hold me so closely while planning your escape? How can leave me when you swore you would protect me? There are no answers. No understanding.

No answer that would make it okay.

It was a slow process, that shift from wanting to know why to learning how to find peace in spite of. Part of it was creating my own understanding without worry for its veracity.Some of it was realizing that if I could understand why he did what he did, it would mean that I was capable of the same. And part of it was realizing that I was using that as an excuse to delay healing –

“I’ll be okay once I understand why.”

But if I held on to that excuse, I would never be okay. And, at some point, I realized that it was more important for me to be okay than to understand.

Of course, excuses rarely travel alone; they bring plenty of backup. In my case, my other healing hangup was my need for him to face consequences. Now, sometimes those were elaborate schemes dreamt up in my raging mind (how does circumcision by paper cut sound?), but most of them were a need to simply face the natural and legal consequences of his actions.

I held tightly to those excuses. I intentionally delayed trying to address the anger until after his court date for the bigamy had arrived. I was so sure that I would feel relief once he had to face the consequences – feel the blowback of his choices.

Unfortunately, that consequence proved to be a dud.

No problem. I had another excuse ready. I’ll be able to release the anger once he faces me in civil court for the divorce.

Uh, yeah. Another dud.

So, there I was. Court dates over and he escaped with only the most minor of scratches.

Again, I had a choice. I could continue to let it be an excuse holding me back or I could choose to let it go. I’ll let the title of this post let you know the selection I opted for: Why Criminal Pursuit is a Game I Refuse to Play.

There were no consequences that would make it okay.

Those choices were not easy. Taming excuses is like playing Whack-a-Mole with your mind. You gotta be fierce and determined to hit them all. And, of course, a helping hand is always advantageous.

Are there excuses that you have noticed your mind creating to shield you from the difficult and real work of moving forward? What healing hangups do you have?

Memories Do Not Have to Equal Suffering

Posted on November 10, 2013March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I met a recent divorcee the other night. I could feel her suffering behind the memories as she recounted the story of her marriage and its demise. The memories were weighted down with the pain relived in the moments or the anguish at the eventual outcome. The memories themselves were like a minefield, one deviation and you’re faced with an explosion of pain.

I remember being that same way. Every memory was laced with suffering. Every image brought with it the piercing pain as though the blow was freshly delivered. Every recalled fact opened the door to other memories, like dominoes made of lead, quickly burying me under their weight.

For a time, I thought that I would have to forcefully remove all memory of my former life. I wished for some type of amnesia pill to grant me a spotless mind. I saw memories and suffering as eternal bedfellows, forever linked together. After all, they are two things that others can never take from us – our memories and our suffering.

I can’t pinpoint an exact moment when my suffering divorced from my memories. There was no lightbulb moment, no flash of epiphany. Rather, I would sometimes startle with surprise when I realized that a memory came to me without its cruel partner.

I could remember without the pain.

I could see the past without feeling it.

I could allow a thought without it leading to another.

If your memories are entangled with suffering, try the following:

-Retell your story (writing is awesome for this!) until you feel some distance from it. Practice this. Make it matter-of-fact even when it doesn’t feel that way. Rewrite it as dryly as possible, removing the emotion. You’re training your brain how to perceive the pain.

-Pay attention to your physical symptoms when you remember certain facts. Does your stomach drop? Do your hands shake? Does your voice tighten? Focus on relaxing those physical symptoms. It’s often easier than directly addressing the mental pain and it sends the mind the message that it doesn’t need to suffer. (PTSD After Divorce)

-If you find that one thought leads to another and another, institute a distraction policy. You can choose to interrupt the pattern before it goes too far. Change the subject, move your body or switch gears. The more you allow a pattern to occur, the more easily your brain will follow the route in the future. Instead of letting your pain dictate the journey, try building your own road.

-Be selective in your memories. You have thousands to choose from; pick the ones that make you happy. Or select the ones that make you grateful for where you are now. Assign a purpose to a memory. Let it do its job and then file it or release it.

-See yourself as the one operating the slideshow of your life. You are the one that controls the images that appear. You can choose which slide to edit or remove.

-Reframe your memories. Edit out the painful parts. Pan out to see them as part of the larger picture. Zoom in on the smiles.

-And, as much as I hate the sentiment, time really does help heal wounds. In time, the memories will lose their sharp edges and the pain will soften. I promise. (Dulling the Knife’s Edge)

Memories are ghosts from the past. They may frighten, but they cannot really harm you. The suffering comes from within.

Value

Posted on November 5, 2013September 10, 2014 by stilllearning2b

At my former school, we used to have two options for credit recovery for failing students.

The first ran two mornings a week for four months. There was a $50 fee for this option, an amount that was doable (especially with payment plans and scholarship options) for our low-income families, yet was also high enough to be significant.

The other option was summer school, four weeks of all-day classes in the heat of July. This choice was free.

For years, I taught under both programs. And, very early, a pattern began to emerge. Every year, the turn out for the few day or two of summer school would be tremendous – the classrooms barely able to contain the students. Yet every year, the numbers dropped exponentially until the class sizes were often in the single digits.

The morning program never started out with as many students (partly because the parents held out hope that their kid could still pull up his/her grade) yet every student that showed up on the first day stayed until the last.

There was another marked difference between the programs. In summer school, the students often acted as though they were biding their time. Many of them never asked a question, never completed an assignment and acted as if they were simply there to keep their desk company. In the morning program, however, the students wanted to learn. They brought in marked tests for clarification, they asked for help on homework and they worked hard even though the sun had yet to rise.

Frustrated during my third stint at summer school, I asked my administrator about this difference.

Her answer was simple.

“It’s the $50. They have buy-in.”

She went on to tell me that there used to be a fee for summer school and the shift in behavior only occurred once it was waved. She told me stories of morning kids on scholarship and how she learned the importance of charging every family something, even if it was only a few dollars. Once the family parted ways with their money, the program had value.

It was important to show up. It was important to try.

If we perceive that something has value, we appreciate it. We take care of it.

That lesson has stayed with me and I look for it in other areas.

Brock uses the idea of value to help him keep up with things. When he buys cheap sunglasses, they inevitably get lost or broken. But the pricier pair he purchased four years ago? Safe and snug in his car. They have value to him and so he takes care of them.

You can see it at play in those studies that pour cheap wine from expensive bottles while the more valued product spills from the bargain vessel. Every time, the tasters rate the wine based on the bottle. The labels speak of value, thus changing perception.

In my classes, I reward students for perfect scores on weekly quizzes. It’s not an easy goal to reach. When we have to work to achieve something, it is valuable and, perhaps more importantly, we believe we are worthy.

I see numerous examples every day of this economic principle in action – from Groupons to free Kindle downloads.

And then I look at my former marriage.

I loved him. I loved our marriage.

But I’m not sure I valued it.

I didn’t have to work for it. It was there.

I didn’t have to earn it. I credited luck rather than effort.

I believed it would always be there, whether I showed up every day or not.

I was filled with assumption more than appreciation.

It was easy.

Perhaps too easy.

I’ve learned from that mistake.

I’ve worked hard to get to where I am now.

I’ve paid dearly, in so many ways in the past few years.

I see the value.

And I appreciate it and take care of it every day.

I’m on the lifetime payment plan:)

Setting the Stage

Posted on November 3, 2013 by stilllearning2b

As part of my calculated not-so-risky risk that I am undertaking, I have to complete a self-paced online course. I signed up for the class over two weeks ago but only just started it yesterday.

This is a change for me.

Normally, I refer to myself as a reverse procrastinator – I get it done in a short period of time under immense pressure, but I do it at the beginning of the timeframe rather than the end. Yeah, I was the weirdo kid who wanted to get her homework on Friday afternoon.

Adding to that, once I make a decision, I act upon it. Quickly. Very quickly.

So, combining those two traits along with my excitement about this new life trajectory, and I wanted to start the course as soon as I had signed up.

Which was at 7:30 pm on a Tuesday night, after a long day at work and less than two hours before I head to bed.

I could have started. There was nothing holding me back.

Except my understanding about how important it is to set the stage. A smooth beginning pays dividends throughout.

I started paying attention to this when I first started meditating. It was difficult for me to stay centered and avoid distractions. I soon learned that if I spent a few moments preparing the space by tidying up and perhaps lighting a candle or some incense, I was much more successful. The energy spent setting the stage was a transitional moment, a time for my monkey mind to receive the message at what was to come.

I found that the same idea carried forth into writing. Some days, I am consumed with words and they simply flow unencumbered. Other days, I have to be more strategic. Those are the times that I have to set the stage. I make sure that my glasses are off and my contacts in. I have coffee or tea or water close at hand. I ensure that disruptions will be minimal. In other words, I prime my mind for writing.

Setting the stage is important within relationships as well. John Gottman talks about the importance of avoiding harsh startups, finding a correlation between how a disagreement begins and how it will end. It’s not easy when you’re angry or frustrated to take the time to set the stage for a positive interaction. But those few moments of intention 9and holding your tongue) are perhaps as important (if not more so) than what actually needs to be said.

Setting the stage is a time for pause. It is a time to think about the outcome we want and how to limit the barriers to that end. It is a time of preparation for the real work and a time of transition for the mind. It’s a trade of between patience and consequence.

A well-set stage doesn’t guarantee a good show, but it certainly makes it more likely.

As for my internet course, I waited to start until yesterday morning when I was well-rested and could remove other distractions. I’m glad I did. I flew through 20% of it in just a couple hours with no stress and no pressure.

The stage has been set. A positive start to the course gives me a positive feeling about the whole endeavor.

And that’s worth waiting for.

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If your memories are entangled with suffering, try the following:

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