Feel Like A Man

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the moments when I loved my now-husband the most is when I witnessed him slide a BB gun into a man’s hands, propping the barrel on the porch railing where it was aimed for some cans.

Although no words were spoken, I understood his motivation.

He wanted his friend, weak and shaky from a degenerative neurological condition, to again feel like a man. And that was an importance I was only just beginning to understand.

My now-husband is a man’s man. He wears his masculinity on his sleeve and is both astute at identifying the characteristics of manhood and at communicating them.

And from him, I’m starting to understand the importance of feeling like a man. And how damaging it can be when that feeling is taken away.

Feeling like a man means that you feel powerful in your own domain. It means that you have control over many aspects of your life and that you receive respect and recognition for your strengths.

Feeling like a man means that you are able to take care of your family. Most often this is financially motivated, but it can also manifest in creating and maintaining a home.

Feeling like a man means that you take seriously the charge of protecting your family. It means that if harm befalls one of your own, you interpret it as a personal failing.

Feeling like a man means trying to find a balance between the very real and powerful emotions that arise within and the cultural message that “big boys don’t cry.”

We ask a lot of our men.

And they ask a lot of themselves.

And sometimes life doesn’t cooperate, stealing away the very things that allow a man to feel like a man.

Health crises rob the body of its strength. Turning a once-strong man into a weak and dependent form. The one whose broad shoulders used to carry others is now reduced to the one being carried.

Jobs are lost and with them, the confidence that comes from respect for position and knowledge. Lost as well is the knowledge that the family is being provided for.

Appreciation and recognition is withheld, perhaps replaced with nagging for what is not done instead of seeing what is done.

Someone in the family is harmed or is unhappy and the situation is internalized, a personal short-coming even when the cause is outside of anyone’s control.

Vulnerability is encouraged, yet that very trait can be turned against him when he is seen as weak or incapable.

I’m learning that all men, not just the alpha, masculinity-on-the-sleeve types, have these basic needs. These primal motivations.

And when a man doesn’t feel like a man, it is all too easy for him to feel like a failure. Depression seeps in, displacing any remaining confidence. He is prone to withdrawal as he questions his value. Addiction can become a welcoming refuge from the shame. It’s a vicious cycle – the less he feels like a man, the less he engages in the actions that make him feel like a man. And that’s the very cycle that consumed my first husband. Only I didn’t see it at the time.

As I watch my husband with his ever-weakening friend, I am grateful for the insight into what it mean to feel like a man.

And I’m careful to not take that feeling away.

Mad At Your Partner? Try These 12 Ideas Before You Explode!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It happens to all of us. One day you find yourself looking at your partner in disbelief, the first flush of anger crawling up your neck like the mercury in a summer thermometer.

How can you do/say/think that?

Why did I ever decide to be with you? What in the world was I thinking?

You’re so aggravating/frustrating/self-centered/stupid/annoying.

It’s normal. Two imperfect and different people will collide sometimes.

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

And learning how to handle your frustrations towards your partner is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.

And, no. That doesn’t mean that he or she should change to match your expectations.

It means you learn how to manage your expectations and your reactions. That you accept that your anger has as much (if not more) to do with you as it does with your partner. And that you shift from blame, which only escalates anger, to responsibility, which can mitigate ire. These strategies can help release your anger and can also help to reset the dynamic in the relationship.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

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Write Him/Her a Note of Appreciation

When we’re angry, we have a tendency to demonize our partner, seeing only the negative and assuming the worst. Help to restore emotional and cognitive balance by making the effort to write a note of appreciation to your partner describing something that he or she does that you are grateful for. You don’t have to deliver the note immediately, although it would nice to hand it over at some point. After all, silent appreciation isn’t really appreciation at all.

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Release the Energy

Anger has an energy to it. It demands action. And if we don’t release it physically, the anger tends to come out in our words. So give in to its demands. Strap on your walking or running shoes and get moving. A tired brain is a more rational brain.

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Increase Your Efforts

I love the idea that in a good relationship, both partners strive to give just a little more than their partner. So make the commitment to put in 10% more than your partner. Not out of spite or martyrdom, but out of a true desire to feed the relationship. Now, this is difficult to do when you’re already angry because you’re feeling taken advantage of or under-appreciated. And that’s also when it’s most important, as long as you’re truly doing it because you want to see the relationship thrive.

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Talk Yourself Down

One of the first skills taught to infants is the ability to self-soothe. Revisit those lessons and talk yourself back from the edge. When cortisol and adrenaline are coursing through your body, you are literally unable to process and problem solve effectively. Recognize your (over)reactions and calm them.

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Engage in Life

When the situation becomes more chronic, we have a tendency to become stuck in anger. Allow life to be a distraction and a passion. Just like you don’t have to wait to live until you are healed, you don’t have to wait to live until the anger is gone. Jump head-first into things that bring you fulfillment and excitement. Besides, sometimes anger at our partner is really misplaced anger because we are not living our own lives fully.

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Refrain From Grasping

Sometimes, especially in those of us with abandonment issues, anger walks hand-in-hand with panic. It can lead to a crazy push-pull dance of “leave me alone, but don’t leave me.” Recognize if this is your response and learn to calm your anxiety before it controls you.

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Give Space, Not Distance

When anger sparks, the flames jump from one body to the next when they are in proximity. As a result, it can be helpful to give (and receive) space when anger is present. Be careful, however. There is a difference between space and distance. Space says, “I’m still here with you and for you. I may not be by your side physically, but we are still in this together.” In contrast, distance declares, “I’m out. I’m done.” Space gives both people room to breathe, whereas distance sucks the life out of the relationship. 

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Explore Your Triggers

Often what we’re angry at is not what we think we are angry at. Take the time to explore your triggers with an open mind. Follow the threads of the anger and see where they lead. Their roots are often in the past and often not related to the current partner. Make sure that you’re not blasting the current relationship with flames from an old one.

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Burn the Scorecard

Nothing fuels a fight (or degrades a relationship) like scorekeeping. It pits you against each other instead of for the marriage. Burn (metaphorically, I assume) any used scorecards and refuse to partake in any future scorekeeping. Use strategies to evict any thoughts of tit for tat from your mind. Because if you keep score, it’s your relationship that loses.

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Sleep

We’re often told to “never go to bed angry.” Yet sometimes sleep is exactly what we need to provide rest and perspective. So, sleep. And count to ten while you’re counting sheep.

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Assume the Best

When we’re angry, we often jump to conclusions and anticipate responses before we hear them. We construct a narrative that feeds the anger and assumes the worst. Turn it around. Instead of assuming the the worst, try assuming the best. It’s still based on your expectations (and so may be false), but it primes the pump for a better experience.

7 Reasons People Withdraw in Relationships

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Assume He/She Wants the Best For You

And while you’re busy assuming, go ahead and assume that your partner wants what’s best for you. Even if he/she isn’t always great at showing or expressing it. After all, wouldn’t you want them to do the same for you?

Leap of Faith

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I jumped out of a plane last Saturday.

Go back and look at those first two words again. They’re important.

Skydiving was added to my bucket list shortly after my divorce. And, thanks to a friend’s encouragement and leg-work, it was finally scheduled to happen last weekend. I spent the hours (almost a two-hour drive from my home) and minutes leading up to the actual jump thinking about one moment in particular – the one spent in the doorway when the decision is made to leave the relative safety of the plane’s bare metal floor for the unknown of the sky, with the nearest floor 14,000 feet below.

And I wasn’t sure I’d be up to making that decision.

My instructor, strapped to my back while we both straddled the narrow bench seat in an awkward parody of two high school students sneaking in some PDA, walked me through what to expect:

“We’ll slide up the bench together. Stand up when you reach the end and duck walk over to the door. Stand at the opening with your legs bent. You can either have your toes at the edge or you can hang them over the edge. I’ll say ‘ready’ and rock forward, ‘set’ and rock back and then when I say ‘go,’ jump.”

“Oh, my toes will definitely not be hanging over the edge,” I said laughing at myself.

“Oh come on,” one of the other instructors said, “What’s the worst that could happen? You might fall out of a plane?”

Wait. Yeah, I guess that is the worst that could happen.

His words had a way of putting it all in perspective.

Although I thought differently at the time, I am now so thankful that my first marriage ended the way it did. I never had to take that leap of faith, leaving the relative security of a known marriage for the unknown vastness beyond. I didn’t jump; I was shoved off the marriage. And by the time I realized what happened, there were no choices left to be made.

On Sunday, I took that leap of faith. When I heard the hard “g” of “go,” I made that jump. It’s funny. I had spent so much time thinking about leaving the plane, I never spent much energy thinking about what free fall would feel like. So it caught me by surprise.

There’s no feeling of falling. The main sensation comes from the wind, stealing away breath (and taking my screams away with it) and buffeting the ears. The closest experience I can compare it to is the wind when you’re on a motorcycle with an open helmet or the feeling of being at the bow of a speedboat (without the hard slaps of the nose of the boat on the water).

But the best part of free fall is that you have only one choice: acceptance.

After all, there’s only one way to go.

Once the chute opens, the wind’s assault is replaced with a calm sense of floating. Even though you’re still moving rapidly towards the earth (about 15ft/sec at that point), your brain doesn’t register it as falling. In fact, from the moment I stepped off the plane, my brain seemed to be screaming, “What the $@#%?” It took it most of the day to process what just happened.

Interestingly, when I stood up after the soft landing, my legs were not shaky as they usually are after a release of adrenaline. Instead, I felt peaceful. Calm. Happy.

And lazy. It’s funny, whenever I thought about being productive that afternoon, my brain kicked up the excuse, “What you just jumped out of a plane. And now you want to do laundry???”

I acquiesced and spent the remainder of the day at the pool.

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Before the jump.

I started my divorce in free fall. I had to accept the situation even as my brain was screaming that we were going to die. Although it was a solo jump that time, I was lucky to have others coaching me on how to orient myself again and how to activate my chute. That landing wasn’t as gentle as the one last Sunday, but it felt just as good to be back on the ground.

I often talk with people when they are contemplating leaving the known space of their marriage. A marriage that has become a malfunctioning plane. And they are trying to decide if they have the tools to repair the engine, if the plane is in less distress than it appears or if they will be more likely to survive by jumping off.

And it’s funny. Just like I was on Sunday, they’re so focused on that leap, the rest blurs into some vague prediction. But like my instructor last weekend, I’ve been there and I know they’ll be surprised by the experience and that they’ll land safely when it’s time.

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The jump is the hard part.

It’s a leap of faith.

It’s trusting that you have the ability to navigate.

It’s trusting that your team has the knowledge to coach you through the transition.

And it’s trusting that you’ll make it to solid ground again.

Peaceful. Calm. And happy.

I decided not to pay the $$ for the action photos, so here's the proof that I went through with it!
I decided not to pay the $$ for the action photos, so here’s the proof that I went through with it!

Summer Reading List

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The bookmarked articles have started piling up in my reader again. And since I’m too excited and nervous about my plan to check off a bucket-list item later this morning to write anything profound, it seemed like a good day to share the writings of others. I hope you enjoy the selection and your Sunday:)

5 Tips For Better Communication

I really enjoy Dr. Nerdlove’s perspective and advice. He writes from a straightforward perspective that somehow always makes me think just a little bit deeper or differently about a common situation. It’s good stuff.

If You Feel Like It’s Taking You Too Long to Move On, Read This

Sometimes a little perspective is helpful when we’re too hard on ourselves.

Coping With Stress in Relationships

I think this guy is a pretty new blogger, but don’t let that fool you. He often has great insight and delves deeply into a topic. Check him out; you won’t be disappointed.

20 Signs Your Partner is Controlling

Some of these are obvious. Many are not. This goes hand-in-hand with my discussion about covert abuse. Don’t be blind; know the signs.

Extramarital Affairs More Common in Dependent Spouses

This is a discussion about a recent study that found a correlation between the financial inequities in a marriage and the tendency to stray. I’m not surprised at the connection. In my own marriage, it seemed like losing his career initiated my husband’s deceptions.

Learn to Feel Her (Or Lose Her)

Good stuff here that will make you think about the expectations put on men in our society. Reading this provided some understanding and compassion for me.

15 Ways to Know If Your Partner Will Be Faithful

I don’t believe that there is such thing as an affair-proof marriage, but there are certainly character qualities you can look for to reduce the chances. It was interesting for me to see how well this list matched what I was looking for when I started dating again.

Don’t Feed the Outliers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I taught a lesson about statistics towards the end of the year. It was one of those rare lessons in our curriculum where the material directly and easily relates to the real world.

I introduced the term “outlier” to the students and explained how data points far removed from the rest of the information can skew the results. As an example, I shared with them the startling (at least to me) figure I had read that morning – the average U.S. wedding now costs upwards of $28,000. Gulp.

We discussed selection bias; the survey was administered on wedding websites, already narrowing the selection pool to people more likely to invest in a pricey wedding. Then, we analyzed the impact of the Kim Kardashians of the wedding world, who reportedly spent 12 million on her last wedding.

The students immediately saw how those rare but insanely weddings not only inflate the national average, but also garner more attention and consideration than the more mundane affairs. The median wedding cost, which is far more resistant to outliers, is closer to $15,000. Still not cheap, but certainly much more attainable.

We naturally pay attention to outliers. The unusual captures our gaze out of a sea of familiar. The stand outs demand consideration in both awareness and response.

And by diverting our attention to the unusual rather than the ordinary, we may inadvertently be feeding the outliers.

Sometimes that extra attention is meritorious, nurturing rarity that excels in some way, much like the process of natural selection. If your partner rarely acknowledges your birthday in a way you prefer, by all means make a big deal out of the time when he/she got it right. By attending to these interactions, you may be able to increase their frequency, thus nudging the average towards the ideal.

But sometimes the outlying characteristics do not deserve the extra regard, and the wooing of them only serves to form a false perspective and a skewed response. If your partner is normally responsive and is overly dismissive one week, it may serve you better to be patient rather than to focus on the unusual behavior. Of course, some behavior is so outside the accepted spread, that it requires immediate reaction.

In a reductionistic stance, relationships can be distilled into a series of data points, comprised of interactions and responses. When considering your relationships, be careful not to put too much emphasis on the outliers. The patterns are much more important than the occasional point off the beaten path.

And if any of you ever plan a 12 million dollar wedding, please send an invite. I’d love to experience that outlier for one day! 🙂