5 Things We Hold On To After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce requires letting go – of the marriage, the dreams, the regrets and even the promises. Yet we often struggle to let go. If feels wrong. Scary. Unfamiliar and untested.

So instead, we grip, holding on even when the thing we’re holding on to only causes us harm.

 

We Hold On to An Image Of Our Former Partner

Maybe you still see them as they were in the beginning of the relationship. Or, you see them as you want them to be. Regardless, you’re holding on to an image of them, a picture that is more in line with your wishes than their reality.

 

We Hold On to Our Dreams of What the Relationship Should Have Been

If only the affair hadn’t happened. Or the addiction. Or the growing distance after having children. Then, we tell ourselves, the marriage would still be okay. We cultivate this image of what our lives are supposed to be like and even when life trajectories change, we have a hard time letting go of Plan A.

 

We Hold On to Our Anger and Blame

We rail against our ex-partner, or their affair partner or some other factor that we blame for the relationship’s demise. We feel powerful in our anger, righteous and also purposeful. As long as we are angry, we at least have something.

 

We Hold On to Our Pain and Victimhood

It’s scary facing the world alone. And so we curl up in our cloak of “wronged one,” prompting others to render aide and support. Our pain becomes our identity. It’s proof that the relationship was important. That we were important.

 

We Hold On to a Need For Fairness

We place our faith in the courts. Or God. Or karma. Thinking that bad things come to exes for those who simply wait long enough. We hold on to the idea that in order for us to be okay, we need for them to not be okay. We just want them to feel the pain too.

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Bouncing Back

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex was right. Well, partially right, at least.

In the typed letter (which, for some strange reason, was in duplicate) he left on the kitchen counter after leaving me via text message, he wrote this –

“I know that once you recover from the shock of this you will bounce back and live a happy and satisfying life – a life better and more honest than I could ever hope to offer you.”

I was livid the first time I read those words, almost 24 hours after receiving the text and with no other communication from him. My world was completely shattered. I was honestly afraid that this would literally be the end of me, as the shock and trauma were so all-encompassing. I was fighting to breathe and at the starting line for the fight of my life.

And those two little words – “bounce back” – seemed to minimize and dismiss everything he had done. As though embezzling from, cheating on and abandoning your wife is on par with recovering from the flu and I would “bounce back” and be as good as new after some rest and perhaps some soup.

Needless to say, that’s not what happened.

Well, not exactly.

I collapsed.

I cried.

I shook.

And grieved.

Learned to breathe.

Opened my eyes.

I crawled.

I took some wobbly steps.

And fell again.

I got back up.

Took some more steps.

Got a little stronger.

Went the wrong direction.

Cried again.

Got angry.

Tried to climb.

Too soon.

Declared I would make it.

Secretly doubted it.

Put on a brave face.

Hid a terrified heart.

Started to trust again.

Built a wall.

Started to love again.

Felt foolish.

And hopeful.

Had good days.

And terrible moments.

Wondered if I was broken.

Too damaged.

Tried climbing again.

Fingers bloodied from the effort.

Heart pounding.

But felt good.

Alive.

I hit rock bottom.

And I made it back.

But I never bounced.

I fought like hell for every inch.

Every breath.

Every step.

 

Yet he was right.

I am now living a happier and more satisfying life than I ever did with him.

And I may not have bounced back, but I got there. And that’s the part that matters.

 

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Moments of Vulnerability After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are things about divorce that nobody tells you ahead of time.

This is one of them.

Before my tsunami divorce, I felt like a capable adult.

After?

There were moments where I felt like a complete badass.

And moments where I felt like a weak and vulnerable child.

Those feelings of vulnerability have a tendency to pop up at the most unexpected times.

 

When Somebody Shows You Kindness

I felt a strange mixture of relief and vulnerability when I first talked to the officer that arrested my then-husband. Relief because I had somebody who knew what they were doing to take control for a bit. And vulnerability because his kindness revealed both how in need I was and helped prevent me from an “everybody sucks and I’m going to become a hermit” mentality.

For months, every act of kindness extended my way was met with tears. Of gratitude and also from a feeling of powerlessness. Because apparently I wasn’t as good as hiding my vulnerability and pain as I liked to think I was.

 

During an Uncontrolled Reaction to Something Small

Every time my phone would buzz, I would jump. I feared more bad news from the attorneys or police. I dreaded yet another fruitless and scary conversation with a creditor. And I secretly hoped it was my still-husband, full of apologies and regrets.

I hated the power that damn phone had over me. I wanted to be in control of my feelings and it was such a humbling admission that this little brick of metal and plastic had more sway with my emotions than I did.

 

When You’re Sick or Injured

It was just a run-of-the-mill stomach bug. But on top of feeling miserable, I felt completely helpless. Not only was my body useless, my mind was as well. And this time, I didn’t have my husband to lean on and act as my protector while I healed. More than ever before, I related to animals that hide in their burrows whenever they’re sick or injured. It’s simply too scary to face the world when you’re less than a hundred percent.

 

When You Need Help With a Task

It’s funny in hindsight. I was shoving things in my car to take them from my marital home turned mausoleum to the friend’s house where I would be staying. At one point, I needed three hands to both carry things, open a door and shoo away a pernicious yellow jacket.

Only there were no hands nearby to help.

I set down the things I was carrying with the intention of swatting at the insect and opening the door. Instead, I ended up sitting on my driveway (only it wasn’t really mine anymore) sobbing for the next several minutes. In that moment, everything seemed impossible.

 

When You Realize You’re Alone

It was just a stupid form.

Yet it was so much more.

“Emergency contact” stared back at me with accusing eyes, as though taunting me that I didn’t have anyone to put in the blank.

I could put in one of my parents, yet they both lived across the country, so that seemed somewhat silly. I could pencil in the friend I lived with, but she was completely overwhelmed with being the emergency contact for her new baby. I sifted through other friends, yet I kept picturing them confused when they received a call as my emergency contact. “Why did she pick me?” they would think.

And so I left it blank.

Realizing that ultimately, I had to take care of myself.

When You Meet Someone New

I was supposed to be happy.

And I was.

But I was also scared sh*tless.

Because if I developed feelings for this guy, it meant I would have to open up.

And if I opened up, I risked being hurt all over again.

But if I stayed curled up in my protective burrow, I knew I would never live again.