Don’t Forget to Plan Your Marriage (While You’re Busy Planning Your Wedding)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I visited my local Starbucks the other day to enjoy some coffee and free Wi-Fi. I was engaged in relatively mindless grading, so I let my ears wander to the conversations around me. One in particular caught my attention, as it pertained to the seemingly endless numbers of my former students getting married. There was a large group at the table across from me — a young engaged couple, parents, wedding planners (yes, plural) and a priest. The plans they were making were as detailed and complex as those made for a presidential inauguration.

We hear so much about wedding planning. There are entire industries built around helping the couple carry out their “perfect day.” It’s easy to get carried away in the romance and the idea that a single ceremony represents the entirety of a relationship. It’s easy to confuse the ability to control the details of a day with the potential for controlling an entire life. It may be easy, but like the eyes of the audience at a magic show, it is attention focused in the wrong direction. Wedding days should be special; it is a time to celebrate your bond and make a public declaration of your relationship. However, don’t be so busy planning your wedding that you neglect to plan your marriage. Here are a few things to keep in mind for your Big Day, and the days (and years) after you say “I do.”

 

Compromise
Weddings begin with compromise. Perhaps she wants to elope and he wants a large, family-filled church ceremony. Hopefully, a middle ground is agreed upon where each partner feels listened to and has his or her critical needs met. Compromise only beginswith the wedding day. As two lives become entwined, differing views and priorities are inevitable. Make sure you know how to navigate these differences in a balanced way.

 

Influence
Have you ever been to a wedding where you couldn’t tell if it was a day for the bride or the bride’s mom? Just as your wedding is your day and should be created in your image, your marriage is yours and yours alone. By all means, listen to the advice of those around you but remember that you make the ultimate decision of what your relationship will look like.

 

Children

Will children be welcomed at the ceremony or even given a featured role or instead will the invitations politely implore the attendees to leave their offspring at home? I’m always amazed to discover the number of couples that don’t discuss the desired role of children in their lives after marriage. Some, who see children as a natural progression from marriage, simply assume that their future spouse feels the same. Others have the discussion but fail to consider the repercussions if one partner later changes their mind or biology conspires against them. These are important – if difficult – conversations to have.

 

Religion

Apart from those betrothed couples that met at church, there will almost certainly be some differences in childhood or adult religious beliefs and practices. Since marriage vows have historically been performed within a religious framework, the wedding provides a wonderful opportunity to discuss the role and significance that religion will take for the couple. This conversation needs to extend beyond the wedding day. It’s even more important that the couple agrees on where every Sunday morning will be spent than on who will lead the service on the day the marriage begins.

 

Invitations
Most people are very deliberate about the friends they invite to be a part of their wedding. They want to surround themselves with others who will be supportive, realistic, and share in their joy. Be just as deliberate in choosing the friends that surround your marriage. We are influenced by those we spend our time with; choose wisely.

 

Beauty
Much time and money is put into creating the décor and ambiance of a wedding day. Just because the day is over and the budget is back to reality does not mean that you have to forgo beauty. Find ways to incorporate items that make you smile into your daily life. Any table is brightened by even the simplest centerpiece.

 

Words
The focus of a wedding is on the words spoken between the spouses-to-be — the promises and declarations to love, honor, and cherish. Even after the walk down the aisle, words, whether spoken or written, are still an important part of a marriage. Never assume that your spouse knows how you feel and never underestimate the power of a positive word or two. The best part? When you say how much you love or appreciate your partner, it fuels those positive feelings in you as well.

 

Balance
Many wedding traditions have a deliberate balance between the time spent as a couple and the time spent apart. Even when you married, it is important to spend time away from your partner, either alone or with other friends or family. Make sure you have discussed your needs and expectations for your balance of time; it’s important to reach an agreement between the two of you so that no one feels smothered and no one feels abandoned.

 

Tradition
Some of the meaning in a wedding comes from tradition — elements handed down through generations that create a sense of unity and belonging. Just because the ceremony has ended does not mean that there is not room for traditions in your marriage. Look to your families of origin for rituals that you can implement in your new union or seek to create your own traditions. These conventions will serve to strengthen the bond between you and your spouse and give you a foundation upon which to build lasting memories.

 

Money
It is the rare couple who marries without a budget. Just because the presents are unwrapped and put away and you have begun to get used to married life does not mean that the budget goes out the window. Make sure you and your new spouse continue to talk about money. Agree on common financial goals. Separate needs from wants. Don’t let nickels and dimes create a wall between you and your betrothed.

 

Publicity
A wedding is a public vow, whether it be made in a private ceremony or in front of thousands, it is still declaring your commitment to the world. After the wedding, life settles down and it’s easy to confine your marriage to your private life. Or, even worse, expose your frustrations with your spouse but keep mum about the joys. Even after the wedding, make a habit of speaking positively about your spouse and your marriage. Sharing this commitment publicly helps to keep it alive.

 

Fun
The best weddings are fun. They have a sense of levity and humor. Any mishaps are laughed about and the challenges are kept in perspective. That’s pretty good advice for a marriage, as well. Not every day will be a party but you can strive to find humor and laughter in every situation. Find ways to bring excitement and fun into your marriage. The associated smiles are priceless.

I’m sure that the couple I overheard at Starbucks will have a lovely wedding (and I am SO glad that I’m not footing the bill!). I just hope they have planned as thoroughly to have a lovely marriage.

Guest Post – Lifestyle Analysis in Divorce Proceedings: Uncovering Hidden Assets

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I felt like I was blindsided twice in my divorce – first by my husband and then again by the courts. The court system is overwhelming, the process is scary and the outcomes are potentially life-altering.  This information and advice from an attorney who has been there, done that may help you go into your divorce better prepared than I was and with a better outcome than I had.  I hope so.

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Lifestyle Analysis in Divorce Proceedings: Uncovering Hidden Assets

Divorce, or dissolution of marriage, is a highly personal, emotional experience that goes much smoother if the parties are willing to cooperate. Despite the obvious benefits of working together, divorce remains a fairly adversarial process that can sometimes get downright malevolent. Whether you are the spouse filing for divorce or the spouse responding to a divorce action, you should consult a lawyer to make sure you are aware of all your legal rights and obligations. This is especially important if the other party is being difficult. One of the most significant aspects present in every divorce where an attorney’s advice can make a big difference is in reviewing financial matters.

 

The Financial Affidavit

All divorce proceedings, whether contested or not, require each party to complete a financial affidavit that discloses all assets, income, expenses, and liabilities. These affidavits are known by different names, such as “Verified Financial Disclosure Statement” in Indiana, and “Verified Disclosure Statement” in Kentucky. No matter what they are called in your state, they must be signed under penalty of perjury that the information provided is correct.

 

The financial affidavits are essential to the final divorce settlement agreement because they are the basis for deciding child support and property division, and whether one spouse is entitled to maintenance. The affidavits are usually prepared by the client, many of whom take wild guesses at the figures. Thing is, it’s human nature to estimate incorrectly, especially under stress. But because complete accuracy now can make a big difference in your financial future, it may be wise (or even court-ordered) to complete a lifestyle analysis.

 

The Lifestyle Analysis

In contrast to the financial affidavit, which gives a view into an individual’s finances at a certain point in time, a lifestyle analysis examines several years of financial activity. It looks at the couple’s spending habits along with the day-to-day living expenses incurred during their marriage. The focus is usually on the last three to five years of marriage in order to get a good understanding of patterns, although the longer the time period analyzed, the more credible the report.

 

The idea is a fairly basic one: if what is being spent on a lifestyle is more than the income that is reported, then it is likely there is another source of income. The analysis usually includes, but is not limited to, researching:

  • Bank records
  • Checkbook registers
  • Credit card statements
  • Credit reports
  • Insurance documents
  • Loan applications and agreements
  • Pay stubs
  • Payroll records if spouse is a business owner
  • Personal and business income tax returns
  • Property tax bills
  • Recurring and ordinary expenses within larger basic categories such as clothing, food, housing, entertainment, travel, etc.
  • Retirement accounts
  • Seasonal expenses
  • Unusual or non-recurring expenses.

 

There are many different reasons why this documentation and verification of expenditures during the marriage may be needed. The most common reasons are to determine the standard of living during the marriage and to determine the appropriate levels of child support and maintenance. A lifestyle analysis can also be very useful in determining whether a spouse is underreporting income on the financial affidavit, has concealed assets, has overstated debts, or has spent marital monies on activities that could influence the case (such as gambling, drugs or paramours).

 

While it can sometimes be hard to determine whether a lifestyle analysis is warranted, there are certain red flags that can signal the need to take a closer look. In many instances, one spouse is already suspicious of the other before they are even separated. Any spouse that exerts excessive control over financial matters should be more thoroughly examined as someone who is likely to manipulate financial facts. A spouse with a history of deception, or of pressuring or coercing the other to sign unusual documents, is a prime candidate for analysis. Has your spouse made large purchases without your knowledge? Have large sums of money disappeared without plausible explanations? These are signs that may indicate the need for a more careful evaluation.

 

Hidden Assets

It’s possible that during the process of completing the financial affidavit or the lifestyle analysis you may discover that your spouse has a financial secret. Comprehensively investigating financial records may reveal that he or she has been hiding income, selling marital assets, buying property, or even bankrolling an extramarital affair. Once exposed through the analysis, this deception can be taken into consideration when the judge determines the divorce settlement agreement.

 

Concealed assets are typically either placed in the hands of third parties or behind false documents. Common ways of hiding assets include:

  • Bearer municipal bonds
  • Collectibles, possibly kept at a friend’s house or the office
  • Converting cash into personal property that may be overlooked or undervalued
  • Custodial accounts established under a child’s social security number
  • Delaying work bonuses, raises, contracts or stock options until after the divorce
  • Faking debts owed to family or friends
  • Giving gifts (like jewelry or cars) that are to be returned once the divorce is finalized
  • Offshore accounts
  • Safety deposit boxes
  • Secret retirement accounts
  • Series EE savings bonds
  • Transferring money into trusts.

 

The point of identifying and valuing all the assets is to decide which marital property is subject to division, thereby allowing an equitable apportionment. A spouse who deliberately hides assets can face a number of consequences, including being charged with fraud, ordered to pay the other party’s fees, having his or her claims dismissed, or having the other party be awarded the entirety of the hidden assets. Penalties vary from state to state and are heavily dependent on the circumstances of the case.

 

Seeking competent and knowledgeable legal advice now will help you avoid costly, long-term mistakes. In order to make certain that you receive and retain all the assets to which you are entitled after a divorce, it is important to talk with a skilled divorce lawyer. In extremely complex situations, divorce lawyers may enlist the assistance of other professionals who have specialized training and expertise in investigating the financial intricacies of a divorcing couple. Financial advisors, CPAs, forensic accountants, and Certified Divorce Financial Analysts® are some of the professionals who may be consulted. It can sometimes take a team to help a spouse stay on the right side of the law while working to secure his or her financial future.

 

About the Author:

Dana Eberle-Peay is a family attorney in New Albany, Indiana. After going through a tumultuous divorce in 2008, Dana dedicated her professional life to helping others in similar situations. She currently practices law at the McNeely Stephenson Law Offices of New Albany, Indiana.

Black Ice

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the worst car accidents I’ve ever seen happened on black ice. It was several years ago, in front of the school where I used to work. It was a cold morning, well below freezing, but there had been no precipitation for days and so there was no expectation of ice. It turned out that an in ground sprinkler system at the front of a neighborhood had ruptured, spilling water out onto the road in the predawn hours. The water soon froze in the frigid air, becoming an unseen sheet of ice under the shadow of trees. The location was particularly treacherous, as it was not only on a hill, but also an area where people braked hard to turn into the school.

From my vantage point at a red light a block away, I saw one car after another cross the slick terrain, lose control and barrel into oncoming traffic. The engines were revving faster than reaction times so the ping-pong actions of the cars went through several iterations before traffic came to a standstill. Thankfully, on the morning in question, there were no serious injuries, yet the damage was severe. Dozens of cars were totaled. A power line was down. An overturned milk truck’s spilled contents added to the icy mess. And the road was blocked for hours.

Yet nobody involved left their house that morning afraid of the roads. No one took precautions for potential ice. It was business as usual. Until it wasn’t.

I just returned from a walk around my area of iced-locked Atlanta. The roads are still covered in 1/4″ thick sheets of glassy ice, their sides (and sometimes centers) littered with abandoned cars and even school buses. But there is some traffic moving today, the cars carefully maintaining a steady speed and avoiding sudden turns. The folks out today knew to be cautious, the ice is a known danger and they are implementing proper precautions. There are certainly accidents occurring, but few of the severity of the one I witnessed years ago.

Life’s challenges often have this distinction. Some are unanticipated and unforeseeable while others are more easily anticipated. We often berate ourselves when faced with a challenge we did not forecast. I know I did that with my divorce, wasted energy wishing that I had seen it coming so that I could prepare my bug-out bag.

But would it really have been better if I had anticipated it?

Sometimes, even when we know a challenge is coming, we can not prevent it or, like the politicians in Atlanta this week, we take a gamble and choose to not implement those preventative measures. Just the knowledge that my marriage was ending may not have been enough to change the outcome. Or, perhaps I would have gambled on things working out and chosen not to prepare.

Regardless, like the drivers on the roads today, I would have been scared, aware of the potential dangers around every bend. I would have been wary of every step, armed with the knowledge that each one taken could be one that sweeps out my life from under me. Hell, let’s be honest. If I had known that the end of the marriage was in sight, I probably would have been so scared that I would have been frozen in place. Iced in.

Black ice is treacherous because of its ability to hide. Yet its rarity means that we don’t walk around fearing its danger.

It’s funny. I used to view the tsunami nature of the end as one of the worst parts. Now? I’m thankful for it. It was a helluva wreck, but at least I wasn’t scared to drive. And even though the damages were great, there were no fatalities.

Thankful to be warm and home after an adventurous trek home from work yesterday that included a three hour drive followed by a three hour hike (and an awesome husband that met me halfway on my walk with hiking boots and hot coffee!). Many in the metro were not so lucky and spent the night in stranded cars, schools or in emergency shelters. Even though the surrounding cities screwed this up, the stories of the individuals stepping up to help others is amazing. Challenges are so much easier when we have help.

Marathon Recap: I Won :)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Injured, tired, and happy

Reposted in honor of National Running Day:)

No, not in terms of time. In fact, technically, it was the worst race I’ve ever run. I’m sure you’d have to scroll though thousands of pages to even find my finish time. But that was never what it was about. I completed the 26.2 miles while having an amazing time running (and walking) through a beautiful city on a gorgeous day with awesome people and (mostly) good music and I crossed the finish line into the arms of an unbelievable man. I’d say I won the race:)

When I got into the car (very) early yesterday morning, my boyfriend handed me several folded notes, each with a mileage indicator. I was to open the notes along my run. It was like an advent calendar of marathon motivation. Unbelievable. That gesture and those notes set the tone for the whole day.

A little crumpled and sweat stained, but they’re still beautiful to me:)

I spent the drive to the start line arranging Gu, chapstick, and the above mentioned notes. I applied Glide wherever skin met fabric and I double-checked my shoe laces. I was ready.

I had over two hours to wait at the corrals before the race. It was chilly, but bearable, and I loved the look of historic Savannah under the almost-full moon. I met a woman in her 60’s who was working on running 100 marathons (this was 94). I asked her what her favorite one had been. Number two on her list blew me away: The Great Wall of China. What an amazing experience that would be!

We finally took off. I was feeling great and enjoying the music (especially the bagpipes around mile 6!) and the amazing support from the spectators. The local people were amazing – dancing, singing, and even blessing us as we ran by. The energy was infectious. And so was the motivation. Every person there had a reason for running marathons or that race in particular. As the Rock n Roll series raises money for cancer, there were thousands of runners with signs on their backs of loved ones they had lost. Others ran for different losses. I met many recent divorcees, people who ran to celebrate their recovery, and one woman who runs a marathon a year to maintain and celebrate her 160 lb weight loss.  It was impossible to not be inspired.

Mile 7 was my game-changer. I injured my IT band almost two years doing Tough Mudder (and a 1/2 marathon the next weekend). I rehabed it and it hasn’t bothered me much in the past year or so. Until yesterday, that is. I felt the familiar pain and pull along the outside of my left leg. I spent a few miles using anything at my disposal to try to coax the fascia into loosening. I repeatedly used traffic cones to dig into the soft tissue and I even borrowed a broom from a volunteer so that I could roll my IT band with the handle. It wasn’t helping, nor was the Tylenol, ice, and wrap from the medical tent. By about mile 12, I had given up on this being the race I wanted. I realized that the leg would not get better and that my ability to run was severely hindered. Those were the tough miles. I gripped the 15 mile note from my boyfriend from mile 12 until it was time to open it. At that point, the course took us through the Savannah State campus and even around their track where the dance team and cheerleaders encouraged us on. That was great timing. As my pace slowed, I found myself amongst the running wounded and the more mature marathoners. That was okay with me. There is a spirit there in the back of the pack that felt right to me. I met a great man, Dennis, at the 24 mile marker. He was also hurting and, like me, was slowly giving up running in favor of walking. He said he would pull me across the finish line if I did the same for him. We both made it, limping and grinning.

Going into this race, I knew that it was going to be a mental game. I think it’s impossible to tackle that kind of distance and not have to dig into to your mental reserves. What surprised me; however, is that the race was very emotional. I first teared up at mile 5 at the kind words of a volunteer. From that point on, the tears hit every mile or so for just a few moments. The waterworks continued into the afternoon and evening as I recounted pieces of the race to my boyfriend and they even sit near the surface today. I’m not a crier and not prone to over-emotion, so this has been a surprise.

At the finish line. Finally!

The marathon was more symbolic of life and its struggles than I expected, as well. I went into the race expecting to run. I didn’t plan on the injury, but once it occurred, I had no choice but to accept it. I could have given up. In fact, there were times when the pain was so bad, I wanted to simply collapse where I was. But instead, I chose to continue. It wasn’t the journey I planned for, but it was a beautiful experience nonetheless. In my life, I never expected to be divorced. I didn’t plan for that injury either. But just like yesterday, I had a choice. And I chose to continue and even though it is not the life I anticipated, it is beautiful. Yup, I’d say I won:)

And, on a related note, I was happy to hear on Friday evening that mayor Bloomberg decided to cancel the New York marathon for this weekend. I understand the frustration of planning (and training, in the case of the runners) for so long and having to cancel at the last minute, but it was the right thing to do. And, as I’ve learned, marathoners understand that you can plan and prepare all you want, but that ultimately, you cannot control the outcome. I have the utmost respect for the runners who are using their pre-purchased trips to NY to assist in storm relief. You may not have run your race, but you certainly deserve a medal in my eyes.

Deja Vu Yet New

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Planning a second wedding is quite strange. It’s like walking a familiar road after being absent from a city for decades – you think you know the sites and the layout but nothing is as it was.

I don’t want to think about the first time, endlessly reflecting on how it was done before. But I do, if only to make sure I do it differently now. The basic structure of the wedding is the same: private ceremony followed by celebratory dinner with loved ones. But the details are intentionally altered. My first wedding was on a beach; this one is in the mountains. The first date was in the winter and this one is in the fall. My first dress had straps and my hair was up. Now? Strapless and hair down and loose. A Thai restaurant is replacing the Italian that served the first dinner.

There is an unplanned difference between the celebrations that struck me yesterday as I was working on the guest email list (That’s right, wedding Evites. Don’t tell Ms. Manners). There is a good chance that my dad will be the only guest present at both. As far as my family, we’re small and spread throughout the country. My mom will actually be in Italy at that time (don’t feel guilty mom -go and enjoy yourself!) and I don’t think any other family will travel. I got married the first time only 6 months after moving to Atlanta. So, the friends at our celebration were coworkers that we had at the time since we had not yet developed any meaningful relationships in the new city and our friends from Texas could not make the trip.

This time around, the friend list is long and rich with history and meaning. I have friends that have known me through my entire marriage, supported me through the divorce and have seen me blossom again. I have others that have only known me after. Brock has friends that never thought they would see him marry until they saw us together and said they knew. Even the restaurant has personal ties, as they know us well, saw the evolution of our relationship and have hosted many a gathering for Brock’s martial arts students. We will be surrounded by our community as we celebrate. That feels good.

Having friends around means I also have a shower this time through. Something I’ve never had. The hostess texted me yesterday and asked me to pick a theme: kitchen, wine, bathroom, lingerie or camping. I had to smile at the last one. She is very much a city gal so I knew she threw that in for me even though it pained her:) I chose lingerie since it’s something I never buy for myself and I left all my collection behind in my old life. Plus, sometimes it’s nice not to be practical:)

It’s crazy that, even as I’m about to move on from the past in the biggest way possible, the past still follows behind, tapping me on the shoulder occasionally just to remind me it’s there.  But even though it’s sometimes strange, I’m okay with my awareness of the past. I’m not trying to run away from it or bury it where it can’t be seen. I’m hopeful that now that the planning is done (yippee!), the past will take a polite step back and maybe not follow so closely.

 

Related: Why I’m scared of 22 year old dress consultants – Say Stress to the Dress