7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
downsize

One of the most gut-wrenching sensations during divorce is to be by yourself in what was the marital home. It’s a different type of alone than the kind that comes when your spouse is away on a business trip. It’s a hollowing. A fragile glass sphere rattling around in a sharp-edged box with no padding for protection. It’s a tangible experience of the loss, the cleaving. The house feels deserted. An empty vessel that once held life and possibilities now only serves as a backdrop for memories.

And the house isn’t the only area that is often too big after divorce. The life you built with your partner expanded to hold both you. And maybe you’re lost within its generous boundaries. Divorce can be a time for contraction, a time for simplification and retreat.

The following are 7 areas you may want to consider downsizing during divorce:

Space

A large home requires a large bank account and a large amount of energy, both of which may be in short supply during your divorce. There is a freedom that can be found in occupying a smaller space. Be honest about your needs and your resources. If you do not have kids, this can be a great time to rent a room or move into the city. If you have children, consider other options within their school district. If you are staying in the marital home, simplify it. Consider how you can save time and money around the house. And, by all means, make the space your own.

It can feel strange moving from home ownership back to apartment life. It feels like back-sliding, especially in our culture where owning a home is both a status symbol and a sign of adulthood. But this isn’t a time to worry about keeping up with the Jonees. This is a time for rest and recharge. The Joneses be damned.

Obligations

Many of us are overextended. We have obligations to family, work and friends. We then weigh those even more by piling on the “shoulds,” which are simply self-imposed obligations. Divorce is a time of letting go. Not just of the marriage, but of anything that is clutter in your life. Consider all of your commitments. Do they still fit? Are there some that no longer serve you and your life purpose? Release them. Practice saying “no” when asked to carry additional weight. If you have been lax about boundaries in your personal or professional life, now is a great time to reinforce them. And if people take offense at your new, less sycophantic self, just blame it on post-divorce psychosis.

Belongings

Clutter tends to accumulate not only in our obligations, but also in our closets. Go through your stuff and sell what you can (check with your attorney first if you’re still in the legal process); you probably need money now more than you need that fancy watch or cute shoes that are too expensive to actually wear. Purge your mementos from the marriage. Even if you want to keep some, you have no reason to keep them all. Too much is paralyzing, especially when we are already weakened. So remove the excess and find peace in the space left behind.

Friends

Divorce has a way of revealing your true friends. You learn that some of those you thought had your back, only had it in smooth seas and sunny days. This isn’t a time to be overly concerned with social niceties and excessive politeness. If a friend is making you feel lousy or anxious, let them go. Invest your energy in the relationships that help to build you up and make you feel connected.

Television

During divorce, your brain practically demands distractions. Reality is pretty sucky and so anything seems preferable. Even (or maybe especially) bad television. Now, I’m not saying you have to cancel your cable or disavow your Netflix, but I am recommending you set limits. Television is an attractive escape because it is a passive one, requiring nothing of you other than attention. But its very nature acts a pause button. Because while you’re watching, nothing else is happening. You may be distracted, but you’re also not changing anything. The pain will still be there when the power is clicked “off.”

Social Media

Social media is a double-edged sword during divorce. It allows you to be connected to friends and family across the world in a time when you need all the support you can get. On the other hand, it has a devious way of showing you pictures of your ex, smiling with a new partner. And even if you manage to avoid the jarring pictures of your ex moving on, there is still the Photoshopped world that makes you feel less than. Be judicious in your consumption of social media. Maybe shift to phone calls/texts/emails with the people who matter and ignore for a time the people that don’t.

Worries

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Yet, in divorce, even the small stuff feels big. Try to focus on what is really important:

Do you have a place to live (even temporarily)?

Do you have a source of income?

Are your children safe?

Are your basic needs being met (food, safety, sleep, etc.)?

Do you have a support system?

Cool. Everything else is just details. Release your worries. You don’t have to know everything today. Just the next step.

Related: 7 Areas to Upsize During Divorce

Present and Accounted For

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As a teacher, my biggest frustration is when a kid is absent repeatedly. Without fail, they ask for their work the next day and then at some point, come to me with the words, “I don’t get it.”

I usually respond with some version of, “I know. You missed the lesson. When can you come in to learn it?” And with this being middle school and math, online videos and parents are of limited help (for you parents out there, you’re not crazy – this math is taught differently than how we learned it). For most kids, they need some direct instruction to learn the material. And with limited time in the school day and material that continues to build, repeated absences add up to a big problem.

When I have a kid, even a struggling or not very motivated one, who is in class, I can work with them. I can watch their reactions during a lesson and clear up misconceptions before they build. I can observe them attempt problems and intervene when they make a misstep. I can encourage them when their attention flags and build up their confidence when they are afraid to try.

It’s frustrating to see them falter when I can’t do anything about it.

Presence comes before progress.

And isn’t that true in a marriage as well?

Even when things are rocky, presence matters. If you have a struggling spouse who is still present in the relationship, you can lend support. Missteps and mistakes can be corrected when both partners are vested. When one person’s attention wanes yet they are still in attendance, there is hope for redirection and re-engagement. When one spouse is fearful and able to show it, the other can sound the rallying cry.

But when one partner racks up the absences and is already checked-out?

There’s not much the other person can do.

Because that’s the mathematics of marriage.

1+1=2

But 2-1=0

It takes two to make it work and only one to destroy it.

And accepting that you cannot fix everything no matter how much you want to is a painful lesson indeed.

Did You Miss These?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My newly planted plants managed to survive the freeze with only cosmetic damage. It’s funny, similar damage used to devastate me. Now? I just shrug it off. I know that the wilted and damaged tissue will fall off of its own accord in a matter of days and that in a few weeks, there will hardly be a scar.

And now that the weather is in agreement with the calendar again, I’ve returned to yard to tend and water and plant some more.

With my hands busy in the garden, they have been idle at the keyboard.

The following are some posts that, according to the numbers, there’s a good chance you missed. Why not check out one that piques your interest?

Rewriting the End of a Relationship We often underestimate the power we have. Learn to embrace it.

Bust a Rut Sometimes life doesn’t allow us to change at our own pace.

Sacrifice Surprise – this can be a reason marriages end.

Growth Mindset in Marriage There’s a reason this trait is prioritized by job interviews.

The Anti-Victim Use these strategies to empower someone else. Or maybe even yourself.

Debridement Hard to read. But powerful lessons to learn.

Progressive Resistance It doesn’t get easier. You get stronger.

The Faux Commute Some take it literally. Others stick to metaphor. But we all have something to learn on this drive,

Outsourcing You can’t outsource healing. You have to do it yourself.

You Are Not Your Divorce Sometimes we need a reminder and a little perspective.

Confirmation Bias in Marriage Strive to see with your eyes rather than your assumptions.

Choosing Poorly

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I made a poor choice this past Saturday.

I didn’t know it at the time, but by lunchtime today, it was beyond clear.

The broccoli, purchased on Saturday, was bad.

On Saturday, I had no way of knowing that rot lay just beneath the surface of the little cruciferous trees. I make an effort to “eat the rainbow” every week at lunch and I lacked a green hue. The broccoli sported no brown spots and carried no fetid odor. That, and the fact they were on sale clinched the deal – it was to be a week of broccoli for lunch.

Except a week turned into one day when the bad odor greeted me from the microwave today and the blackened and soggy end conformed it. Yesterday, I enjoyed my broccoli. Today, it horrified me. And, upon returning home, I immediately purged my fridge of all of its brethren and found a replacement side in the freezer.

And that happens sometimes.

We choose poorly.

Not just broccoli. But jobs. Homes. Financial moves.

Even, and maybe especially, spouses.

We make subpar choices motivated by the catchy signs that distract us from what we really need to see. Or, we see no immediate impairment and so we assume the coast is clear. We make a decision based upon some factors while we studiously ignore others.

Perhaps we know immediately that the choice was a bad one. Yet all too often, we get to enjoy our choice for a time (after all, there is a reason you made it) before becoming aware of the other side.

Now, you can berate yourself for choosing poorly. Call yourself “stupid” as you endlessly play back the faulty selection.

Or, you can instead be grateful for the time you enjoyed when you thought you had chosen well and learn how to pick better the next time.

10 Contradictory Qualities of a Good Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is often said that marriage is a balancing act. It requires weighing the needs of the individual against the needs of the partnership. It necessitates compromise and constant communication. And a good marriage also needs to find the equilibrium with the following contradictory qualities:

1) Adaptability

A good marriage is adaptable; it grows and molds itself to the environment and current needs. It changes as the partners do, shifting over time and over life transitions. It acts like the flexible caulk used to secure two surfaces together while allowing each to move independently of the other. A good marriage possesses a growth mindset, where both partners are motivated to learn and believe that they can improve with effort. Growth ensures that a marriage remains relevant and useful.

Adaptability extends to the individuals. It accepts that people change over time and with experience. In an adaptable marriage, each partner remains curious about the other and limits assumptions and premature conclusions.

And although a marriage needs to be adjustable, it also requires…

2) Consistency

A sense of security and support is critical in marriage. Both partners need to have a sense that their spouse has their back. Each needs to feel safe, both physically and emotionally, so that the critical component of vulnerability can be revealed.

And much of this peace of mind comes from stability. Consistency. You want to know what you’re returning home to each night. You want to have a sense of what your partner likes and how he or she will react. Consistency encourages confidence and trust, both critical for a marriage to thrive.

3) Personal Responsibility

In a good marriage, both people are looking for a partner to complement them, not complete them. Each person accepts responsibility for his or her baggage, actions and emotions. Nobody is held accountable for the other person’s happiness and nobody is expected to be a white knight to the rescue. Blame is withheld and instead of expecting the other person to change, each partner modified his or her response to a situation. A healthy marriage begins with two healthy people and that requires taking responsibility for yourself.

However, there are times when you can’t do it yourself, and in a good marriage, you also need to be able to…

4) Ask For and Receive Assistance

Being able to ask for help is a sign of both humility and strength. Being able and willing to provide help is a sign of empathy and compassion. Part of a good marriage is being willing to quiet the ego and admit when you lack knowledge or ability. In turn, a strong partnership calls for a partner who is responsive to their spouse’s needs and refrains from making him or her feel inferior when assistance is required. Marriage is about partnership. And a good marriage is about helping your partner when he or she cannot help themselves.

5) Withhold Judgment

In a good marriage, the word “should” is banned from the table. Assumptions and projections are limited as each person is accepted for who he or she is. In conversations, the partners listen to understand rather than listen to respond. Instead of leading with judgment, the spouses lead with curiosity. Criticism kills a marriage. Appreciation nourishes it.

Yet even though a good marriage is free from judgment, it also requires that the partners are not afraid to…

6) Call Each Other Out

Presumably, nobody knows you better than your spouse. And that puts them in a unique position to see and perceive the lies and limitations you place upon yourself. In a good marriage, partners will call each other out on their s**t. Not to shame or bully, but to help the other become better. A marriage thrives when rather than quietly accepting the excuse of “I can’t,” a spouse helps to show their partner that indeed, they can.

7) Overlapping Worlds

A good marriage exists in the intersection of two lives. There are shared experiences. Shared friends. Shared passions. And shared dreams. There is a merging of two lives. “Me” is replaced with “we” and “mine” with “ours.” Each person plays an active and visible role in their spouse’s life. Compromises are made and the marriage is prioritized.

Although a good marriage requires sharing many aspects of life, it also needs…

8) Independence

Each person should always know where they end and their partner begins. A marriage is not one and one make one; it’s two individuals choosing to share their lives. And they need to maintain their individuality. A good marriage allows each person to explore his or her own interests. It provides freedom and encouragement to explore individuality while maintaining the bond of the shared life.

9) Enjoyment of Each Other

A good marriage has at its heart two people that enjoy each other. Partners that greet the other with a smile and look forward to time together. Spouses that are both friends and lovers, providing comfort and excitement with their touch and their presence. Marriage is about the shared and realized dreams. The laughter over a joke nobody else understands. The knowing glance that contains a year’s worth of information with no words exchanged.

Even though the partners in a good marriage enjoy each other, they may not always like each other and so they also…

10) Accept the Bad Days

Even in the best of marriage, there will be bad days. And in the best of marriages, these days are not perceived as the beginning of the end nor do they signal a need for panic. Rather, it is accepted that some days will be bad, that marriages have an ebb and a flow. That there will be times that one person withdraws, and that withdrawal is usually temporary.

Bad days can be an opportunity to learn and grow. Or simply a sign that it’s time to rest a bit and wait for the storm to pass. Just as a bad day does not mean a bad life, a bad day does not signal a bad marriage. The spouses trust that the tide always turns and they’re waiting for each other when it does.