The Biggest Mistake I Made in My First Marriage: The Argument For Arguing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex-husband and I never argued.

We never disagreed on where to go to dinner. We didn’t fight about what color to paint the kitchen. There were no quarrels over where to go on vacation. We didn’t even engage in debate over politics or religion.

We either agreed about everything or made the decision to acquiesce (often made without any conscious participation) in order to avoid any conflict.

I thought this was a sign of a good marriage, an indication of a well-matched pair. I would listen to my friends detail their frustrations with their partner’s dissenting viewpoints and breathe an internal sigh of relief that I didn’t have that predicament.

And then he left.

Without an argument. Without confrontation. Without a spoken word.

He simply stated his plans via text and pulled out of the garage and out of my life forever.

And I had the strangest feeling. For the first time in my life, I wanted a fight.

 

When I chose my second husband, one of the traits that drew me to him was his comfort with conflict. Not only did I want that in a partner, I wanted someone that could help me become better at acknowledging and addressing points of contention.

It hasn’t been easy to go from never arguing to becoming comfortable (or at least not feel threatened) with disagreement. Yet, even as I’m learning, I’ve come to appreciate the value of marital discord.

 

Promotes an Environment of Honesty and Transparency

I walked into the house and saw a Kindle box on the kitchen island. This was in 2008, when the devices were still far from cheap. And our coffers were far from full. Surprised at the purchase, I turned to my husband. He began to lay out his (rehearsed) justification for the acquisition (something about travel and book prices… never mind the fact that he never visited the public library two miles down the street).

I didn’t buy his reasoning. The device seemed frivolous and indulgent and, in light of the fact that we had just dropped major money on the house, stupid.

But in the interest of marital harmony, I bit my tongue, swallowed my words and allowed a silent agreement. Which according to the financial records I recovered after the divorce, he perceived as an invitation to continue to spend recklessly and secretively.

When arguments are allowed, it’s harder for the truth to remain tucked away in clandestine omissions and calculated lies. An environment where dissenting opinions are routinely shared encourages transparency and honesty, both healthy qualities in a marriage.

 

Allows Practice Having the Difficult Conversations

I really didn’t like mums. Yet when he professed his affinity for the autumnal blooms, I readily agreed with his assessment. It was stupid of me, pointless even.

Everyday disagreements provide opportunities to listen to dissenting opinions without feeling personally attacked or threatened. The low-stakes arguments become a practice ring, where the delicate footwork of negotiation and compromise can be practiced and improved upon.

Because at some point, in every relationship, there will be a major disagreement. The kind that potentially alters how you view the person and may even threaten the very core of the relationship. And you don’t want to go into that fight as a rookie.

 

Provides an Opportunity For You to See Your Partner at Their Worst 

We often choose to form a relationship with someone because of how they are when they’re at their best. But a clear picture of their character won’t emerge until they are stressed, emotional and maybe even responding to a verbal barrage.

In other words, people show you who they really are when you’re in a heated disagreement with them.

This is an opportunity to see how they respond when the going gets tough. Do they accept responsibility or deflect it? Do they easily admit mistakes or lob attacks in defense? Can they maintain control of themselves? Are they able to find humor amongst the tension? Do they retreat and if so, is it temporary or long-lasting? Once you’ve seen the worst, you know what you’re accepting with your vows.

 

Encourages You to Recognize Your Partner as an Independent Entity

When you’ve been together for a long time, the edges can become a bit blurred. As you share experiences, your opinions and views have a tendency to become more similar. But no matter how like-minded you are, your spouse is an individual with his or her own perspectives, beliefs and conclusions. And an argument is a great time to be reminded of that.

One of the cruel truths about marriage is that we are excited by and attracted to novelty. And there’s not much opportunity for the unfamiliar in a long-term relationship. Yet when you hear your partner say something surprising (and in opposition to your stance), it allows you to see them in a new light.

 

 

Presents Opportunities for Problem-Solving and Early Intervention

My favorite arguments are the ones that end in my husband and I working together to problem-solve a solution. We may have started on opposing sides, but we transition to working as a team to defeat the issue (instead of trying to defeat the other person).

Disagreements act as flashlights, shining light on the problems that potentially threaten the relationship. When these issues are brought into conscious awareness, they can be addressed and potentially resolved before they grow too big to root out completely.

 

Serves as a Reminder For You to Own Your Stuff

It usually takes me some time to recalibrate after an argument. Some of this stems from my residual anxiety about abandonment (if my ex left without a fight, what does a fight mean?) and some is just from my overly sensitive and analytical nature (if I take this disagreement and crosscheck it with what happened four years ago…). And none of this has anything at all to do with my now-husband.

Disagreements are a (sometimes painful) reminder that we are responsible for our emotions, our own reactions and ultimately, our own well-being. At the end of the day, all that stuff that’s in your brain is yours. So own it.

 

And while we’re on the subject of arguments, here’s some pointers on how to fight fairly with your spouse.

 

 

Walking the Narrow Line Between Seeking to Understand and Making Excuses

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The Netflix series Mindhunters takes a fascinating look at the early days of the FBI’s research into profiling serial killers. At that time, the overall viewpoint of the bureau was to expend all of their resources on catching these killers after they had committed their crimes. Once they were apprehended and restrained, they were to be ignored, dismissed as aberrations.

Yet the investigators at the heart of this series had a different perspective. Instead of waiting until multiple murders had been committed, they wondered if, by interviewing convicted serial killers and analyzing data, they could instead gain some insight into the conditions that lead people to become monsters.

The powers-that-be were horrified. Why would any attention be paid towards these men? Why would any empathy (even feigned in attempt to gain trust) be extended?

Yet, often behind the brass’s backs, in dark and desolate barred rooms, these men-turned-monsters revealed their stories to the investigators. Watching these scenes unfold, I was filled with alternating revulsion as they described their crimes (and the motivations behind their actions) and compassion as their own abuse and trauma was revealed.

What they did was horrific. And in most cases, what they had endured was horrific. The latter certainly doesn’t excuse the former. Yet it does help to provide some understanding, some context, of how those men could do those things. And that understanding can help to both provide some healing for those impacted and also recognize and sometimes intervene when someone seems to be following a similar pathway.

We all have a tendency to ascribe our failures to external (and often malleable) causes and assign other’s shortcomings to their own internal character flaws. In fact, this propensity is so common, it has even been assigned a name: the fundamental attribution error. In normal life, this can be seen by a student justifying their failing grade by blaming the pencil that kept breaking or because they believe the teacher has it out for them. While at the same time, they may attribute their friend’s poor grade to their lack of preparation and inherent laziness.

(Interestingly, this trends the opposite way with positive outcomes – while you chalk your promotion up to your abilities and performance, your coworker’s promotion may be described as “lucky.”)

Of course, the reality is somewhere in between. We are all a product of our internal selves and our external environment. We are both nature and nurture. Our own actions are born both from within our character and from what we face in the world beyond. And the same is true for those around us, even those that behave in incomprehensible and reprehensible ways.

In our long weeks of convalescence at our home, we have been devouring the Marvel universe shows on Netflix (Daredevil and the like). I’m not always a fan of comic-based entertainment; much of it feels too simplistic and filled with one-dimensional characters. Yet these series are different. The heroes have their demons and the villains have their virtues. No one is all-good or all-bad, just variations on shading between.

And the longer I’ve lived and the more honest I’ve been with myself, I think that’s generally the way things are. And I believe that we can make ourselves better by accepting the responsibility for our own choices and we can make the world better by striving to understand why others make the decisions they do. Not in an effort to excuse them from the consequences, but in an attempt to see the connections and possibly be able to recognize trouble before it becomes destruction.

And this is where I am now when it comes to those that have affairs.

It certainly hasn’t always been this way. When I first learned of my ex’s betrayals, I was livid. Enraged. I blamed him for putting me in that mess and all of my energy was directed towards that end. His pitiful excuses made for his behavior (I can just hear his voice whining to the police, “But I just wanted to be happy.”) only served to feed my ire. After all, he had acted without concern for me. Why should I have any concern for him?

This anger filled me for years. By extension, it carried over to anyone that admitted to ever stepping out on their relationships. Just as foretold by the fundamental attribution error, I ascribed all of their actions to the cold calculations of a malignant soul.

All that anger never altered what he had done. All that condemnation never altered the actions of any cheaters I encountered. All that blame never made me feel any better.

And then, ever so slowly, as my personal pain began to fade, I began to listen.

Not only to those who had experienced betrayal. But also to those who had perpetrated it upon their partners.

I found that some of my anger had been replaced by curiosity – Why are some people compelled to cheat? How do they rationalize the pain that this causes their partners? Are they running towards attention or running away from pain? How do they view their marriages, their spouses? Do they feel guilt or regret? Would they make the same choices again? (If you haven’t read or listened to Esther Perel, she has amazing insights into infidelity. Highly recommend!)

And often their explanations rang flat, mere excuses for selfish behavior. Yet, I also uncovered important information about the pressures we put on marriage, the isolation of mental illness, the anxiety around conflict and the fear of being alone.

And it is only by listening that we can begin to gain some understanding.

Not to excuse. (No matter the reasons, cheating is both a selfish act and a coward’s way out.)

But to gain perspective and insight. (Even in those cases when we can never grasp the why or the how behind the actions.)

So that hopefully we can recognize it before it’s too late and maybe even stop it from occurring in the first place.

Are They Like Us? The Fascination With Celebrity Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been cold lately. And dark. And often wet and windy. So in the wisdom (or perhaps wimpiness) of my old age, I have traded in my outdoor runs for time on the treadmill. Which also means I end up watching a lot of HGTV (because it’s that or news and I refuse to subject myself to the latter).

So I’ve become versed in two celebrity couples (Chip and Joanna from Fixer Upper and Tarek and Christina from Flip or Flop) whose marriages – and in one case case, divorce – are frequently being analyzed in the media.

Celebrity marriage can be a strange thing. In our daily lives, the interior of any marriage other than our own tends to be tucked away, kept hidden behind carefully curated Facebook posts and a belief that any blips are somehow abnormal and should be suppressed. Whereas with today’s media, we are often granted an intimate view inside the relationships of the famous. Even though the cameras are only sometimes on and the publicists attempt to control the release of information, we still see quite a lot and, even more importantly, we can begin to feel like we know the people involved.

I used to feel a little let down when I would turn on the TV over the treadmill and see Tarek and Christina’s faces. The show was fine, it certainly followed the formula of “Oh no! This house is worse than we anticipated! We’re over budget because of some sort of surprise repair. But we still have to buy these too-expensive cabinets/floor tiles/solid gold bathtub.”

My discomfort instead came from watching the interplay between the couple. I found myself cringing at Tarek’s visible contempt for his wife’s opinion. It was awkward watching them attempt to force a connection when it seemed as though one no longer existed. They both seemed to be more vibrant, more alive, with other people on the show rather than with their partner.

So I was not surprised when a history of marital trouble (including a secret separation) and impending divorce were announced. It became a bit of train wreck – people didn’t really want to know the salacious details yet they couldn’t make themselves look away.

Reactions were mixed. Overwhelmingly, people expressed concern for those involved, especially for the children. There was also a sense of vindication, of letting themselves off the hook. After all, if the good-looking, rich and famous can’t always make marriage work, how are the rest of us supposed to do any better with our money woes and childcare pressures?

The other couple I frequently see, Chip and Joanna, seem to be polar opposites of the first. They appear to have an overwhelming mutual appreciation and respect for each other and operate well as a team. Yet, the media seems to love to speculate about an impending split. Perhaps because they seem too-perfect and we can’t help but wonder if it’s real. (And maybe even secretly hope that it’s not.)

Celebrity culture is a strange phenomena. It makes us both want to be like them and also invites us to revel in their destruction. We both watch their marriages to feel better about our own and also to question if we are somehow lacking. We watch for signs of trouble brewing to reassure ourselves that we can catch sight of the red flags to convince ourselves that we are “safe” in our relationships. When a divorce does occur, it’s easy to view it as entertainment and to readily assign roles of good guy and evil villain and to minimize the emotional fallout that must be occurring behind the scenes.

My guess is that their marriages really aren’t that different than the rest of ours – sometimes great, sometimes terrible and all-too-often taken for granted. And their divorces may differ in scale and attention, but those at the core are still heartbroken.

As for me, my time on the treadmill these past few months has taught me a few things –

I can’t afford to live in California. I wish I could bring Waco housing prices to Atlanta. Painting everything gold is never a good idea and there is such a thing as too many clocks. And, more than anything else, I’m grateful that I don’t have to face speculation on the state of my marriage in the checkout line at the grocery store.

 

 

 

Five Surprising Ways Trust is Frayed

Posted on by stilllearning2b
trust

There are some actions whose impact on trust is obvious and catastrophic. Infidelity, sudden abuse, revealing or withholding important information and financial betrayal all sever the ties of emotional security with one brutal slash.

Yet many times, the erosion of trust is much more subtle and the belief in your partner happens slowly, one frayed stand of reilance at a time. It’s possible (and even common) for neither partner to realize the deleterious and compounding effect of these actions; they remain unnoticed until it becomes too late and trust may be beyond recovery.

Learn to recognize these crafty threats to trust so that you can address them before it’s too late:

 

1 – Not Showing Excitement

Ask any dog guardian about their favorite part about having a dog, and you will most likely hear something about how good it feels to be greeted every time with a wagging tail. Likewise, we want our partners to be excited to see us, no matter if we just returned from a month away or just walked in from a stroll around the block. A lackluster welcome can begin to make your presence feel unnoticed or even unwanted.

Apart from enthusiastic greetings, we want our partners to share in our successes. When we have reached some goal or garnered some praise, we want them to share in our sense of achievement. When we initiate a conversation with excitement and that energy is not returned, it is a feeling of trying to play tennis with a partner who refuses to return the serve.

Over time, you may begin to withhold your good news, refrain from sharing your passion, deciding that it’s less painful to celebrate alone than to have your smile countered with a shrug.

 

2 – Disappointment

Sometime disappointment comes from a person who deliberately fails to follow through on their promises. Their words soon become meaningless as their actions never manifest. You begin to expect that they won’t do as they say and you find yourself surprised when the behavior matches the claim.

Other times, the intention of the promise-maker is good and the lack of follow-through is more sporadic. Strangely, this situation is often more painful and causes more damage to trust than the first case, because the intermittent rewards keep you hoping for the desired outcome.

Especially if you have experienced major betrayal, these disappointments can register at a larger magnitude than they actually are. Furthermore, past injuries may encourage you to assume intent where there is only carelessness.

 

3 – Overreacting

We expect (and rightfully so) our partners to be our “safe space.” We want to be able to express our inner worries and reveal even our ugliest thoughts without the fear of being ridiculed or rejected. And if name-calling commences or the tone turns abusive, the impact on trust is overt and clear.

Yet the damaging impact to trust can occur even without a negative word uttered or a thought belittled. When every reaction to a statement is over-the-top, a five-alarm response to a two-alarm fire, your partner shifts from your safe space to someone you feel you have to keep safe from your thoughts and feelings.

Part of trust comes from consistency. And when you’re unsure how your partner is going to respond in a given moment or to a given piece of information, faith can be replaced with a sense of unease and wariness.

 

 

4 – Dismissing

When your perceptions and conclusions are constantly called into question or continually brushed aside as inconsequential, you can begin to doubt yourself. This doubt and confusion can spread, permeating the relationship. Additionally, a continual disregard of your thoughts and opinions can easily lead you to conclude that you’re not that important to your partner.

There is a balance between overreacting and shrugging everything off as “not that bad.” Trust comes from listening to everything with an open mind and with a mouth that often remains closed.

 

5 – Not Showing Support

When you’re falling and you’ve been led to expect a safety net, the sudden appearance of hard ground will cause you to question the dependability of the person who pledged to have your back. This can be as minute as a late pickup without communication at the airport or not picking up the slack around the house when you’re under a deadline at work.

 

None of these are relationship deal-breakers on their own. They are not unforgivable offenses and, in most cases, no offense was meant by them. In each case, the underlying cause of the erosion of trust comes down to unexpressed expectations and poorly communicated reactions. And the road back to trust is relatively straight forward: Talk more. And assume less.

 

Your Rights and Responsibilities in Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
rights responsibilities marriage

Your Rights In a Marriage

 

1 – You have the right to be safe.

You are entitled to be physically unharmed in your marriage. This right extends to the protection of all dimensions of abuse, from emotional to financial. You have the right to an expectation that your spouse does not seek to harm you and that if they inadvertently do, that they do not blame you for the transgression.

You have the right to feel safe in your marriage. However, and this is an important clarification, it is not your spouses responsibility to ensure that you are never uncomfortable with a situation. There will be times where you feel threatened because you are triggered. There will be times when you are scared of the content and importance of a conversation.

 

2 – You have the right to be informed.

You have the right to have access to any and all information that impacts the marriage, the family or you, personally. You can expect to have this information within a reasonable time frame and without having to beg or search for it.

The content and/or method of delivery of the information is outside of your ability to enforce. Additionally, keep in mind that your partner can only communicate that of which they are aware. At times, there may be issues beneath the surface that they have not yet brought to consciousness.

 

3- You have the right to be heard.

You have the right to ask for change. It is your prerogative to speak your needs. Ultimately, you have the right to your voice and your truth.

 

4 – You have the right to freedom of choice.

You are entitled to respond as you see fit to any information that you receive. This right extends to communicating requests, issuing boundaries and even terminating the relationship.

At any point, you have the right to have sovereignty over your realm. This right does not extend to making decisions for other adults.

 

 

 

Your Responsibilities In a Marriage

 

1 – You have the responsibility to speak the truth.

You have the duty to communicate any information to your partner that may impact them as soon as you have achieved an understanding of the particulars. The decision to withhold information, even with the intent to spare your partner the pain, is contrary to your responsibility. Not everything needs to shared, but if you’re afraid to speak, it’s a sign that the information needs to come out.

 

2 – You have the responsibility to refrain from assumptions.

It is your obligation to approach your partner with an open mind and to refrain from assigning guilt and intent before you have all of the information. It is not fair to put a spouse on perpetual trial, where they are always tasked with defending themselves. Ultimately,  you have the responsibility to listen.

 

3 – You have the responsibility to keep your expectations in check.

It is not fair to place the burden of your happiness or life satisfaction at the feet of your partner. If your expectations are too high, you are setting your spouse up for failure. You have the responsibility for managing your own anticipation and supposition.

 

4 – You have the responsibility to address yourself first.

Before you assign blame, you have the obligation to first look inward and to address any issues you find first. Not only is it not fair or realistic to place all of the burden of change on your partner, it is also outside of your control.

 

5 – You have the responsibility of supporting the team.

When you enter a marriage, you are establishing a team. And you have a responsibility to act in the best interest of the team. Furthermore, you are obligated to ask for input and clarification about the goals and interests of the team, as needed.

 

6 – You have the responsibility of acting with kindness. 

Because there’s no excuse not to.

 

Additional reading on the rights and responsibilities within a marriage: 

What Do You Owe Your Spouse?

16 Widespread Misconceptions About Marriage

What Makes Relationships So Hard?