Walking the Narrow Line Between Seeking to Understand and Making Excuses

The Netflix series Mindhunters takes a fascinating look at the early days of the FBI’s research into profiling serial killers. At that time, the overall viewpoint of the bureau was to expend all of their resources on catching these killers after they had committed their crimes. Once they were apprehended and restrained, they were to be ignored, dismissed as aberrations.

Yet the investigators at the heart of this series had a different perspective. Instead of waiting until multiple murders had been committed, they wondered if, by interviewing convicted serial killers and analyzing data, they could instead gain some insight into the conditions that lead people to become monsters.

The powers-that-be were horrified. Why would any attention be paid towards these men? Why would any empathy (even feigned in attempt to gain trust) be extended?

Yet, often behind the brass’s backs, in dark and desolate barred rooms, these men-turned-monsters revealed their stories to the investigators. Watching these scenes unfold, I was filled with alternating revulsion as they described their crimes (and the motivations behind their actions) and compassion as their own abuse and trauma was revealed.

What they did was horrific. And in most cases, what they had endured was horrific. The latter certainly doesn’t excuse the former. Yet it does help to provide some understanding, some context, of how those men could do those things. And that understanding can help to both provide some healing for those impacted and also recognize and sometimes intervene when someone seems to be following a similar pathway.

We all have a tendency to ascribe our failures to external (and often malleable) causes and assign other’s shortcomings to their own internal character flaws. In fact, this propensity is so common, it has even been assigned a name: the fundamental attribution error. In normal life, this can be seen by a student justifying their failing grade by blaming the pencil that kept breaking or because they believe the teacher has it out for them. While at the same time, they may attribute their friend’s poor grade to their lack of preparation and inherent laziness.

(Interestingly, this trends the opposite way with positive outcomes – while you chalk your promotion up to your abilities and performance, your coworker’s promotion may be described as “lucky.”)

Of course, the reality is somewhere in between. We are all a product of our internal selves and our external environment. We are both nature and nurture. Our own actions are born both from within our character and from what we face in the world beyond. And the same is true for those around us, even those that behave in incomprehensible and reprehensible ways.

In our long weeks of convalescence at our home, we have been devouring the Marvel universe shows on Netflix (Daredevil and the like). I’m not always a fan of comic-based entertainment; much of it feels too simplistic and filled with one-dimensional characters. Yet these series are different. The heroes have their demons and the villains have their virtues. No one is all-good or all-bad, just variations on shading between.

And the longer I’ve lived and the more honest I’ve been with myself, I think that’s generally the way things are. And I believe that we can make ourselves better by accepting the responsibility for our own choices and we can make the world better by striving to understand why others make the decisions they do. Not in an effort to excuse them from the consequences, but in an attempt to see the connections and possibly be able to recognize trouble before it becomes destruction.

And this is where I am now when it comes to those that have affairs.

It certainly hasn’t always been this way. When I first learned of my ex’s betrayals, I was livid. Enraged. I blamed him for putting me in that mess and all of my energy was directed towards that end. His pitiful excuses made for his behavior (I can just hear his voice whining to the police, “But I just wanted to be happy.”) only served to feed my ire. After all, he had acted without concern for me. Why should I have any concern for him?

This anger filled me for years. By extension, it carried over to anyone that admitted to ever stepping out on their relationships. Just as foretold by the fundamental attribution error, I ascribed all of their actions to the cold calculations of a malignant soul.

All that anger never altered what he had done. All that condemnation never altered the actions of any cheaters I encountered. All that blame never made me feel any better.

And then, ever so slowly, as my personal pain began to fade, I began to listen.

Not only to those who had experienced betrayal. But also to those who had perpetrated it upon their partners.

I found that some of my anger had been replaced by curiosity – Why are some people compelled to cheat? How do they rationalize the pain that this causes their partners? Are they running towards attention or running away from pain? How do they view their marriages, their spouses? Do they feel guilt or regret? Would they make the same choices again? (If you haven’t read or listened to Esther Perel, she has amazing insights into infidelity. Highly recommend!)

And often their explanations rang flat, mere excuses for selfish behavior. Yet, I also uncovered important information about the pressures we put on marriage, the isolation of mental illness, the anxiety around conflict and the fear of being alone.

And it is only by listening that we can begin to gain some understanding.

Not to excuse. (No matter the reasons, cheating is both a selfish act and a coward’s way out.)

But to gain perspective and insight. (Even in those cases when we can never grasp the why or the how behind the actions.)

So that hopefully we can recognize it before it’s too late and maybe even stop it from occurring in the first place.

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5 thoughts on “Walking the Narrow Line Between Seeking to Understand and Making Excuses

  1. I cant get passed the OK for cheating but I have a resident who was telling me that her niece cheated with her boss who was twice her age. The ex wife and daughter came into the office one day and grabbed a hold of her chair and said something like we could ruin that pretty face of yours and threw water on her. As I was being told this I thought of the many ways I wanted to ruin the other woman. But being of sounder mind I chose not to do anything. I know this family and they are the best people, but conflict over took me, the niece was cheating and destroying a family but she was also a good person. I don’t think everything is black and white, I know I tried and it wasn’t enough, also know I am in a better place but I still think cheaters shouldnt get a pass. By the way that is an awesome show, can’t wait for second season!!

  2. Ester Perel is nuts. There is never a good reason for cheating. It isn’t edgy or enlightened. It is abuse, an insidious abuse. It is entitlement. There is always a better way to leave a marriage or relationship. Like an honest conversation. Cheating is a choice. Ester Perel revictimizes the victims. The victims were in the same marriage, yet, they didn’t choose to cheat.

    Cheaters are entitled cowards.

    Cheating takes away the victim’s agency over their own bodies (STD’s, a lot of which are incurable, therefore chronic), their financial security, the very choices they make in their own lives. Most, if not all of us, given the choice (which we were not, cause, hey, WE didn’t KNOW!) would opt out of such an arrangement. I’m sure Ester wouldn’t like it, or choose to be treated in such a manner.

    I love your posts. I just respectfully – to you – disagree with the crap Ester Perel doles out. She, and other RIC members, hurt, rather than help victims of infidelity and betrayal.

    I highly recommend you visit Chump Lady for a real understanding of cheating and cheaters.

    1. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s always interesting to me to hear how different people respond to different messages. For me, much of Chump Lady’s material feels like it takes away my agency because it focuses on what he did. And there’s nothing I can do about that. Whereas by trying to understand the conditions that led to what he did has helped me both choose a new partner and be more aware of potential issues. It feels more productive and helpful than just pointing the finger.

      I by no means condone cheating or dismiss its impact. I know I still experience echoes of 9 years later (emotional and financial), and I expect that others feel much the same. As I said, it’s a cowardly and selfish way to act. My goal is to do what I can so that I’m never subjected to it again.

      1. Hummm…that is confusing why you would think that as CL encourages all to ‘not try to untangle the skein’ of what the cheater did, rather to focus on gaining a new life free of them. Her message is to do the hard work necessary on one’s self to heal and become a better version of one’s self going forward.

        But, I respect your right to your opinion.

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