March Reading List

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m still not quite ready to start writing again. The raw shockiness has passed. I hope.

It hit hard this morning- my first morning at home in over 18 years that didn’t begin with my cat on my lap. I crawled back into bed for a bit for a good cry and a hug before I was ready to face the day.

For the most part, I just feel that scooped-out void. And I’m reminded all over again why it is called heartache. The chest literally aching from the loss.

And of course, I’m also brutally reminded of the fact that every loss carries echoes of the ones before. After a certain age and/or life experience, there’s no such thing as a singular grief.

While I’m adapting and acclimating, I leave you with some of the interesting articles that have come across my feed in the last few weeks:

Stop Yourself From Crying With a Quick Pinch

5 Major Fears That Kill Relationships

10 Barriers to Intimacy and How You Can Break Them Down

21 Books to Read When You’re Going Through Heartbreak

And one I’m a bit dubious about, but I’d love to hear others’ thoughts:

36 Questions That Can Make Two Strangers Fall in Love

Top Ten

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I grew up watching David Letterman on the Late Show. My favorite part of every show was always the top ten list. It was relevant, clever and often had multi-layered meanings embedded within the list. This top ten list is not like that:) These are simply the 10 most shared posts from my site over the past two years (yikes! has it really been that long?!?). Plus, it would have to be called the Early Show since I’m often in bed long before ten.

Drumroll, please, Paul Shaffer.

10. Ghosts of Christmas: I wrote this one last year, reflecting on how the holiday changed for me once my parents divorced and how Christmas has evolved for me as an adult. I still smile looking at some of the pictures in this post. I look so young. Scary fact – I was already dating my ex husband at the time the one with the huge stocking was taken.

9. En Guarde: Lessons From the Fencing Strip: I fenced (yeah, the thing with the swords) throughout much of high school. My instructor, a surly Frenchman nicknamed Pouj, taught me many lessons. About sword fighting, sure, but also about life.

8. Divorce and PTSD: This has been my most controversial piece to date (don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll write more that get people’s drawers in a bunch:) ). The link between divorce and PTSD is starting to get more attention. I hope that continues; no one should have to suffer in silence.

7. Who Is He?: Ahh, yes. The post inspired by the way people find my blog. It’s scary, but Google will auto-fill my name with “husband” or “ex husband.” I reveal his identity in my own way in this post.

6. I Leave You With: This is a recent post, written just before my wedding. I was feeling reflective and grateful and I wanted to share hope with those who cannot yet see the light. It does get better. I promise.

5. Finding Love Again: This is a somewhat abstract post about dating and being vulnerable in love after loss. I share my screw-ups and what I learned along the way. Apparently people find them helpful. Or they just like to laugh at my screw-ups:)

4. Fifty Shades of Grey Through the Eyes of a Divorcee: I was asked to read this book before attending a party with the same theme. The story didn’t captivate me, but I saw the appeal for women who had been through a divorce. By the way, the Grey Goose martinis with zip tie olive holders were awesome!

3. Tips For Surviving a Malignant Divorce: One of the reasons I started writing was that there was little to information and support for those going through an atypical divorce. All the usual advice did not pertain to me. This post enumerates some of what I figured out and that can be helpful for those also engaged in an unusual divorce. A note here, I usually shy away from labels like “narcissist” and “sociopath” in regards to my ex, but these tips certainly apply to those divorcing spouses with those diagnoses.

2. How to Become a Huffington Post Blogger: Apparently a lot of people want to write for HuffPo. Getting on with them was certainly a big break for me that lead to many more opportunities. Here are my suggestions for getting published. Just make sure you have a thick skin first – those commenters are brutal!

Paul, you’re up. Another drumroll, please:)

1. The Day the Marriage Died: Much of this was actually written in the weeks after he left. It’s raw. Brutal, even. I still have trouble reading it, even to this day. I think it captures the shock and devastation left behind when a marriage ends suddenly. Thank goodness that life doesn’t end there.

So, there you have it – the top ten shared posts. Hopefully you saw some old favorites or found something new to enjoy over a cup of coffee. Happy hopefully-a-holiday Monday to you:)

Lisa

A Different Kind of November Challenge

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s November.

The leaves are falling. The turkey recipes are circulating. The mustaches are growing. And the internet is awash in NaNoWriMo and gratitude lists.

I love those lists. I enjoy reading how people are thankful for their families, their jobs and their health. I smile when I see their pictures of cooing babies or mischievous puppies. I appreciate the renewed energy that spills from accounting one’s blessings.

Those lists are beautiful.

Heart warming,

But I also think they’re a cop-out.

It’s easy to be thankful for the good things in your life. It’s easy to summon gratitude for the people and situations that bring us joy.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s valuable to take the time to enumerate those things you appreciate.

But it’s even more valuable to find reasons to be thankful for those things which bring us pain or grief or anger.

 

Which leads me to my November challenge.

It doesn’t require that you forsake your razor.

Nor must you write for 30 consecutive days.

You do not even have to share your results with your Facebook feed.

 

But it won’t be easy.

I call it radical gratitude.
Radical because it’s intense.
Difficult.
Almost unthinkable.
But also because it has the chance of being life changing.

Identify the one person or thing or situation in your life that has caused you the most grief. The most pain. The most anger.

Find that dark hole that bleeds you.

That curse.

Maybe it’s an ex. Or an abusive parent. Perhaps it’s your job or lack thereof. Possibly, you face an illness that has stripped your body or had an accident that stole your health in one fell swoop. Maybe it’s not the presence of a person, but the loss of one.

Whatever it is, identify it.

And then be grateful for it. Create a list of ten reasons that you are thankful for your biggest challenge.

You can share it – here or elsewhere – or you can keep it to yourself.

But write it. Believe in it. And then release it.

 

You cannot choose what happens to you, but you can always choose how you respond.

You have the power to turn your greatest challenge into your biggest blessings.

I took this challenge myself several months ago and listed ten reasons I am thankful for my ex.

Read it.

And then write your own.

 

wrapping paper

Goal Post

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was packing my file drawers just now and came across the above pages, now worn and sun bleached. I remembered writing a post about it about a year and half ago. Perspective is so funny – those goals seemed so distant then and now even the old post feels ancient, especially with the completion of the book over a year in the past. The me of the old post would never have imagined doing radio and TV spots. She thought marathons were only for crazy people (I’m not sure I’ve changed my mind on this…more like I’ve become crazy!) And, the me of the old post was not yet thinking marriage or house; she was still settling in to cohabitation and a general calming down of life.  I like these reminders of where I was and where I am. They help me stay on track for where (and who) I want to be. They remind of the importance of setting goals but also the importance of being willing to alter them, with pink marker if necessary, as life and plans change.

Now, without further ado, the original post from April 2012:

The previous post reminded me of my goal sheet that I typed just a few weeks after my ex left.  I went looking for it, and found it in my folder labeled, “July disasster.”  When I wrote these goals, I was still mired in the yuck of the day to day, but I wanted to put my dreams out there.  I posted this list above the folding card table in my friend’s bonus room that was to be my office for the next year.  It kept me focused on the future and the gifts in my present on those days when I felt like giving up.  The list now makes me smile.  It shows me how far I have come and reminds me of where I was.

There are two items on the list that remain unchecked. The first, complete a book, was a bit ambitious for a year (or even three), but it is an ongoing project.  The other, volunteer at an animal rescue organization was chosen because of my gratitude towards those who helped to find homes for my dogs.  I don’t feel strong enough yet to face this one, but I will.

Some of the other goals seem so minimal in retrospect.  Go on a date – I went on 7-8 dates a week for a few months (months I dubbed, “Match Madness”).  Or, learn to cook one gluten-free meal – I now do that multiple times a week and am a recipe resource for others.

Some of the goals make me thankful for where I am and why I am here.  I was originally going to move to the NW; I could not imagine a life in the same town where I had spent my married years.  Just months before I was going to leave, I met my now boyfriend.  There was enough potential there that I decided to commit to staying in the area for a year (once I found a job) to see how things progressed.  It has now been two years, and I couldn’t be happier.

Other goals have been incorporated into my current life.  I still set goals to run races (I’ve just raised the bar a bit), I still intentionally seek out new friends, I continue to find ways to act of character, and I still make sure to take weekend trips.  The last goal has become my favorite: find a way to laugh each and every day.

I no longer have goals posted above my desk.  I have internalized them, using them as a daily reminder to be thankful and hopeful.

EnLISTed

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Part of my daily routine involves reading. A lot of reading. I come by this honestly; both of my parents are avid readers and seekers of information. Hardly a day goes by without at least one of them sending me a link to an article or with me sending one their way. Luckily, most of this is done electronically now, but I still occasionally receive envelopes from my mother that are stuffed with sticky note-laden newspaper and magazine clippings. I love receiving these shared articles (although, I admit to preferring the electronic versions). They are a form of communication and they often stimulate thought and conversation.

Today, I’m sharing my articles with you. All six of these take the form of lists, making them easy to read and digest. I hope you find some valuable nuggets within and please share them with others that you feel may benefit from being enLISTed:)

Heartbroken? Trips to Take the Edge Off 

I’ll admit, when this title came across my news feed yesterday, I ignored it. Actually, I passed it by several times. I expected some drivel about exotic vacations that no mere mortal could afford, especially on the heels of a divorce. I’m glad I ignored my doubting inner voice; there is some good information here and some ideas that don’t require that you win the lottery.

4 Questions Life Coaches Want You to Ask Yourself

Love, love love the shift from “fear” to “alertness.” This is one of concepts that resonated with me big time and I know I will come back to time and time again.

Four Main Reasons Couple’s Therapy Fails

I see couple’s therapy sort of like tutoring. When a parent brings me a child to tutor who is struggling, yet willing to work and open to new ideas, I can make a difference. Tutoring, however, is not a panacea. Simply showing up and writing the check won’t fix a thing. I think this is a good list to read prior to working with a therapist to make sure that you are honest with yourself and that your therapist is a good fit.

23 Self Defeating Games That You Might Not Know You Are Playing

I think this author was reading my mind. How many of these do you relate to? When we are aware of our mental chatter, we can begin to change the dialog. It also helped me recognize and understand games that those around me play.

Ten Things Your Relationship Needs to Thrive

I’ve seen many of the “things your relationship needs” lists, but this is my favorite. It’s both practical and meaningful without being difficult to understand or implement. It’s a good list to keep as a reminder of what you want and where to focus.

Five Ways to Deal With the Blindsided Breakup

The surprise ending makes for a good book or movie but isn’t a pleasant addition to a relationship. This list acknowledges the particular difficulties that occur when you didn’t see it coming. The suggestion about the unrelated goal is one I often give to people – “Do something with a finish line.” My first race ever was a few months after he left. It showed me that I was strong enough even when I felt like I couldn’t take one more step.