When All You See is the Path, You Lose the Destination

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I took my second jiu jitsu class today. For the most part, the language of the mat is as unfamiliar to me as Latvian was last month. But every so often, a phrase will reach my ears that makes perfect sense.

At the end of class, my husband has everybody circle up and share one thing they did well in class that day.

(As an aside, how awesome is that? Jiu jitsu is one of those sports where you spend years getting your ass handed to you over and over again. It’s easy for people to leave a class feeling defeated. This one simple ritual helps overcome that negativity spiral. And this is an easy habit that we can ALL do at the end of every day.)

One relatively new student shared about how he’s starting to understand how moves link together and the importantance of not becoming too wedded to a particular attack.

I immediately nodded in understanding, as this was a lesson I learned many years ago in fencing. When you become too committed to one particular move, you become frustrated and easily stuck if that move is thwarted. You become more focused on the specific path than on the desired overall outcome.

My husband described it this way –

 

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The picture on the top is what happens when you become too committed to a particular attack. You develop tunnel vision and you no longer are able to see the other possibilities.

The bottom picture shows a better approach. Know what you’re going for, but also be aware of everything around it. And don’t be afraid to change your approach.

Good stuff, that.

On my afternoon run, I got to thinking about how this same idea applies to life. It’s so easy to get overly focused on how we’re going to reach our goals (a specific partner, a particular job, a desired number of children, an anticipated income), that if those are taken away from us, we feel frustrated and stuck. We become so wedded to those particular things that we cannot see another option.

I went through a little thought exercise on my run. I’d like to share it with you and have you try it too.

 

First, I want you to think of your major life goals/values/driving principles.

Nope, those are too specific. Try again. To help keep them broad, limit yourself to two.

Here’s mine –

  1. I want to leave my little campsite that I’m occupying for my time on earth just a little better than I found it.
  2. I want to live a life that is driven by love not fear.

 

Next, think about what you’re doing in your life right now that helps to meet that goal.

Again, I’ll share some of mine with you –

Goal 1

  • As a teacher, I’m using some of the deficits in my own math instruction to help me reach more students in a meaningful way.
  • After feeling so alone during divorce, I’m working to use my experience to help others that are going through similar.

Goal 2

  • I continually find ways to persevere despite my anxiety about a situation. This could be anything from going down a hill (seriously. I know.) to initiating a difficult conversation with my husband.
  • In the classroom, I choose to handle classroom management through relationship building rather than punitive discipline, which is often motivated by a fear of the kids gaining the upper hand.

 

Lastly, brainstorm some other ways that you could also work towards that same goal that you do NOT currently have in your life.

Here are just a few of mine for goal 1. This is brainstorming, so they run the gamut –

  • volunteer in my community
  • win the lottery and donate a significant sum to a charity
  • pick up trash that I encounter on the trail or the river
  • make an effort to make everyone I speak to feel valued and important
  • go camping and leave behind a “welcome” note with a little firewood for the next guests
  • use my teaching skills to train people in a particular skill so that they can find employment

 

It’s amazingly freeing to step back sometimes and truly see how many possibilities there really are. Even if I lost my job tomorrow, never wrote another blog post and ended up divorced and broke again, I could still find ways to move towards that life goal. (Note to the universe – this is NOT a challenge!)

And that’s a pretty awesome realization.

Even when you lose one approach, you’re not out.

It just means it’s time to try something else.

 

 

Twenty Tiny Tweaks to Help You Through Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is completely overwhelming. It tasks you with legal proceedings, life restructuring and relationship renegotiation all while you’re just trying not to drown in your own tears. Some days, getting through it all feels impossible.  Luckily, there are some small adjustments that you can make that have influence beyond the investment of time and energy that they require.

1 – Change your passwords and your wallpaper.

Let your passwords be your personal mantra. When you have to type, “InHale C0nFideNce ExHale D0uBt” several times a day, you begin to believe it. While you’re reorganizing your digital home, take a moment to update wallpapers and backgrounds as well.

2 – Post a happy photo of yourself before you met your ex.

You WERE happy before you met your ex. Find a picture that proves it. Post it in a prominent location and let it be your reminder that you can be happy without them again. If you’re feeling brave, maybe even make it your profile image.

3 – Alter your surroundings.

Move furniture. Remove photos and mementos. Flip your mattress or even change out your bed. Small changes in your environment can pay dividends in keeping you from fixating on what is missing. And while you’re at it, make sure to include a dash of something beautiful as a reminder that the sun is still there behind the clouds.

4 – Add short bursts of intense exercise.

You know what you’re not doing while you’re struggling to breathe through an exercise? Thinking about your divorce. In addition, intense exercise trains your brain to adapt to discomfort and also has the added benefit of releasing feel-good hormones.

5 – Dress to impress.

This is a version of fake it until you make it. You may feel like crap, but you don’t have to wallow in it by continuously broadcasting it. Make an effort to look put together, at least on most days. It really does change how you feel.

6 – Find your vision image.

What does happy look like to you? How will you know when you’ve moved on? Find an image that captures this idea for you. Save it. Use it as your inspiration.

7 – Compose your elevator speech.

In the beginning, it can be impossible to separate the facts from the emotion. Simply explaining to the pediatrician that your spouse now has different contact information can cause the gut to drop. Compose a short, one to two-sentence speech that explains your circumstances. Rehearse it until it becomes boring and you can say it without feeling it.

8 – Create a manageable and unrelated goal.

I actually created a list of ten goals during my divorce, everything from making a new friend to running a race. Divorce is long, nonlinear and often messy. It’s helpful to have a manageable goal to pull your energies and attentions while you’re feeling as though you’re in limbo.

9 – Write it before you speak it.

The pain, fear and anger of divorce can lead to some ugly thoughts. And if you express those in the wrong company or in the wrong forum, the results can make your situation even worse. So buy yourself a journal and make a vow to write out those thoughts before – or instead – of voicing them.

10 – Practice mindfulness for 5 minutes a day.

Download a mediation app or find a short guided mindfulness practice on YouTube. Then, set a reminder to spend 5 minutes a day focusing on your breath. The practice will help you find your calm in the midst of the storm.

11 – Write a thank you note.

Take a few minutes to express your appreciation for someone in your life. You’ll brighten theirs and expand yours.

12 – Acknowledge your choices.

Divorce leaves you feeling powerless. To help recognize the control you do have, make an effort to acknowledge your choices in every challenging situation. Your ex is late picking up the kids again? You can respond in frustration, you can type out a calm email, you can begin collecting evidence for the courts or you can let it go. The action is out of your hands. Your reaction is not.

13 – Orchestrate a new beginning.

This can be as small as planting a seed. Or starting a new series.  Or signing up for a class. It can be personal or part of something larger. Maybe you dedicate some time to volunteering at the local NICU, providing comfort to the fragile young babies. Perhaps you spend a Saturday helping Habitat for Humanity build a new home for a deserving family.

14 – Limit social media time.

I really wish that Facebook had personalized feed filters so that those facing infertility could elect out of seeing baby posts and those experiencing divorce would be excused from the engagement announcements. But until that time, be conservative with your use of social media.

15 – Take a chance and try something new.

Maybe it’s a new haircut. Or a new restaurant. Or an activity that you never envisioned yourself doing. Do something a little bit different. This is an opportunity to break out of the mold that you have previously filled.

16 – Find a mentor.

Find somebody you admire who has been through adversity. It can a person in your life, a famous individual (living or deceased) or even a fictional character. Let them guide and inspire you.

17 – Clean out a closet.

Purge the old. Rediscover lost treasures. Clear the clutter so that you can see what you’re working with. Start fresh.

18 – Start a gratitude challenge.

Today, write down one thing you’re grateful for. Tomorrow, add another. See how many consecutive days you can go adding to the list.

19 – Schedule weekly smiles.

Make a commitment to schedule one thing every week that makes you smile – a walk in the park, a pedicure, a coffee from your favorite shop. It doesn’t have to be big, just something that ignites, even briefly, a sense of joy or contentment.

20 – Call your grandmother.

Or a grandmother stand-in. Talk to somebody that has lived many chapters and seen many endings. Listen to their stories of life’s trials and joys. Find comfort in their perspective and hope in their tales of adaptation and perseverance. Because this divorce is a chapter of your life, not the entire story.

How to Rewrite Your Divorce Story

Posted on by stilllearning2b

With personal life events, the facts matter less than your interpretation of them.

I wish I had known that in the year following my own divorce. Instead, I chased down the facts like a terrier after a rat, convinced that as soon as I had assembled all the particulars and made sense of the information, I would find peace.

The exercise was one of futility and failure. No matter how much I questioned or how hard I looked, there were certain things that would remain unknowable. My need to comprehend became obsessive, consuming my thoughts and breaking me down in the process.

In my unease with those voids, I filled them with my assumptions and reactions, feelings acting as the mortar between the bricks of what happened. And I assumed the worst, as we often do. I believed that my ex acted out of deliberate malice with a personal and directed attack. I eagerly assigned him the label of “sociopath” in an attempt to understand his actions. And I held tight to the facts I did know, using them as an excuse both inwardly and outwardly for my response.

And instead of finding relief, I only felt worse.

Time moved on and with it, the clarity of some of details faded. The facts muddied as they tumbled through my thoughts with my perceptions, like whites thrown into the wash along the darks. As first I panicked, afraid that I would forget the reality of what happened. I went through old emails, pulled out worn files in an effort to remind myself of the facts.

I was startled to realize that they no longer mattered. And even more importantly, I realized that the emotional stories that I told myself to fill in the missing information had more staying power and influence than the facts themselves.

On that day, I made a decision to actively reframe all of my earlier assumptions and conclusions surrounding the known facts of my divorce. Instead of believing that my ex acted out of malevolence, I decided to believe that he was scared and seeking to alleviate his own pain. I replaced “sociopath” with “depressed” and “addict,” both of which elicited empathy more than hatred. I reframed his ongoing lies as desperate measures in an effort to regain control of a life spinning out of hand.

I actively worked to excise the emotion of my earlier reactions. With each remaining fact and facet, I made the effort to assume the best possible motivation and intention. The mental exercise was like pouring Tide into the tumbler along with the facts, brightening the facts and softening the harsh edges.

And I found relief.

Those facts are still stored in my brain and on some hard days, one will rise to the surface and cause my breath to catch in my throat with the intensity of the memory. But for the most part, when I think about my own experience, I see it through the lens I crafted. The reworking of the facts that allows me to feel empathy instead of rage, peace instead of rejection and pity instead of betrayal.

Because when it comes to personal life events, the facts matter less than your interpretation of them.

If you want to rewrite your own divorce story, these are the steps you need to take:

  • Recognize your assumptions. We all have a tendency to take people’s words and actions personally when it is often not about us. Strip away all of your beliefs about why something was said or why a certain behavior occurred.
  • Write the facts and only the facts. Keep it simple and keep it brief. There is no need to focus on the nuance; you only need to capture the broad strokes.
  • Pretend these same facts were presented about somebody you feel kindly towards or written about a positive character in a book. What conclusions might you reach about why these things happened?
  • Shift those beliefs to your own situation. Be persistent – your earlier and more emotional reactions will fight you for dominance.
  • Notice how you feel as those positively-spun stories start to resonate. Are you breathing a little easier? Feeling a little lighter?

Your divorce and perhaps your ex have already hurt you enough. There is no reason for you to allow your thoughts to hurt you even more.

How Will Your Divorce Change You?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you ever placed a plant in a window and neglected to turn it for a period of time? If so, you’re familiar with that asymmetrical appearance that occurs as the plant resolutely grows towards the light. In plants, this behavior is called phototropism, one of many innate growth mechanisms that dictate how the plant changes in response to its environment.

We aren’t as beholden to the sun, but we have our own tropism that determines our growth:

Credotropism – growth towards belief

Just like the sun directs the shape of the plant, your beliefs govern the shape your life takes. Especially after something as difficult as divorce.

In a series of studies, teachers were given false information about a class of average students. When the teachers were informed that the students were of below average intelligence, the students performed poorly. When told that the students were brilliant, the same students scored high marks.

The teacher’s belief guided the growth of their students.

Just imagine what your own beliefs are doing for you.

Do you want to find a way to feel better? Live better? Be better?

It all starts with your attitude.

Are you looking at your divorce as the worst thing to ever happen to you? Are you fixating on your ex and what they did to the family? Are you focusing on what you have lost?

I get it. I did it too. It’s all but impossible to not spend some time in that negative mental space. After all, you’re mourning the loss not only of what was but also of your imagined future. You may be dealing with limited exposure to your children, a loss of financial security or the brutal reality that you have apparently been replaced.

And you can certainly stay in that negative headspace, building your beliefs about your life’s derailment and its associated casualties.

Yet in doing so, you will most certainly continue to steer your life into that dark tunnel.

Credotropism. You grow towards your beliefs.

It’s true that your hands are somewhat tied right now. You can’t simply turn back time and restart a path where the divorce never happened. You can’t pretend that the negative effects aren’t real and live as though this never occurred.

And you can’t snap your fingers and suddenly find yourself moved on (I know, I tried).

But you can start by believing that it is possible.

You don’t need to know how you’re going to rebuild your financial security to believe that it is possible.

You don’t need to how your children are going to be okay in order to have confidence that it will transpire.

You don’t have to know how you’re going to find love again to believe that it can happen.

You don’t need to know how you’re going to be happy and fulfilled to trust that it can occur.

It all starts with your attitude. Your conviction that you can.

Because you will grow towards whatever you believe.

Make it worthwhile.

Separating Facts From Stories

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are the facts. And then there are the stories we weave from the facts.

Fact: My ex-husband had an affair with a woman he met on a business trip. He married her three months after they met and abandoned me with a text message.

Story: There must be something wrong with me for my husband to fall so quickly for another woman. She must have something that I don’t. I’m not even worthy of a conversation, that’s how inconsequential I am. If the man that professed his love to me for sixteen years and pledged his commitment could leave me so easily, any other man would obviously do the same. If I was unworthy before, I’m broken now. There’s no way that I will ever be able to recover from this damage.

It starts with the facts – sometimes harsh, but bare. Often devoid of any motivations or intentions. And then our brains industriously fill in the details, weaving stories that surround and connect the facts.

The problem is that once we tell ourselves these stories, we become unable to separate them from the facts. And so we begin to believe the words we tell ourselves. The words that are often anchored in insecurities, fears and trauma.

Sometimes, we even take it a step further and assimilate these stories as a core truth of about ourselves. We confuse what happened to us with who we are, applying labels with superglue and operating under those assumptions.

What stories are you telling yourself?

Take a few moments and consciously examine the stories you tell yourself. What are the facts and what are your interpretations and speculations about the facts? What if some of your conclusions are incorrect? Could there be another way to view these same facts?

The facts are irrefutable. The stories are what we create.

When we become too wed to a story, we become stuck within a singular narrative. Change your story and your life will follow.

Related:

Edit Your Personal Narrative

Your Story Matters