6 Steps For Moving On After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve had so many people contact me looking for a specific action plan to move on after divorce. And I’m working on something along those lines. Something big. And also something time-consuming, so you’ll have to be patient:)

In the meantime, here’s something to get you started if you are finding yourself paralyzed with inaction. I’ve broken it down into six steps. I know that sometimes moving on feels impossible; just focus on one step at a time. And then the next.

Belief

Hope. Faith. Trust. Whatever you call it, it starts here. If you believe you won’t be able to move on, your thoughts will help to keep you anchored. If you have conviction that the best is yet to come, you open the door. The way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel. What seems of such critical importance right now will in time, feel inconsequential. At this step, you do not need to know how you will get there, you just have to believe that you will.

Decision

The Secret isn’t enough. It takes more than positive thought to create change. You have to make your “hope” an active verb. This is a difficult step and a critical one. It’s easy to bypass and then get stuck further along. At this point, your job is to make the decision to move on. Make it your mantra. Don’t just say it, feel it. Be so committed to moving on that you won’t let anything get in your way. Channel your inner bull and use that stubbornness to take the next step.

Plan

I’m assuming your basic goal is to feel better, put this behind you and be happy again. Awesome goal. Now, break it down. Even smaller. This step can feel overwhelming if you are focusing on something too big. Small and doable is better than big and overwhelming any day. Baby steps will still get you to the finish line.

Start with one or two specific areas you want to change. Problem solve and brainstorm some potential solutions.

Tired of the crying that keeps you up at night? Maybe purge your thoughts in a journal before bed. Or redirect your thoughts with a funny show. Or take a walk to reset your brain.

Be specific.

Be measurable.

Be actionable.

It matters less what it is than that you have identified an area to focus on and thought of something to try. And make sure those plans are in writing; it helps with the next steps.

Action

So, you believe you can move on. You’ve dug in your heels and declared you’re going to do it. And you’ve even identified one or two changes you can make to help get you there.

Fantastic.

Now do it.

Accountability

Change is hard. And when that change is all mucked up with emotion? Yeah. Not impossible. Not by a long shot. But definitely harder.

So, find a way to hold yourself accountable. Start by making your plan highly visible. Track your progress. Share your journey with others.

You cannot outsource healing; you have to do it yourself. Be careful not to fall into the trap of, “I’ll do … as soon as (anybody that you cannot control) does …” You’ll be waiting a long time. And remember, you’re too stubborn to let anybody or anything hold you back.

Here’s a whole list of ways to help make your change lasting change.

Reflection

So you’ve made it this far. Maybe you’re thinking, “Cool. I feel better.” Or, more likely, you’re more, “I’m still kind of sucky. Maybe it’s a bit better, but I’m not sure.”

Remember how I said the way you feel now is not the way you’ll always feel? Well, we often also believe that the way we feel now is the way we’ve always felt. So dig into that journal. Look back at emails or posts. Evaluate your progress. Have you taken a baby step (or two)? They’re hard to see until you look back.

How is your action plan working? Does it need a tweak? Do you need a new focus? No problem. These steps for moving on aren’t linear. Take them as many times as you need to.

So believe you can. Decide you will. Plan your approach. Take the steps. Accept responsibility. And welcome perspective.

You got this.

Related: 6 Reasons You’re Having Trouble Moving On

How to Create Lasting Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Transformation requires change both in thoughts and in actions. And change is difficult to initiate and often even more difficult to sustain. The following are some tips and suggestions for creating lasting change in any area of your life:

  • Make your goals specific, actionable and measurable. For example, saying. “I want to be happier,” is vague and impossible to measure. If your goal is be happier, begin by breaking that down into smaller pieces. Perhaps part of being happy for you is to spend social time with friends, specifically having at least two hours a week of adult friend contact. That is now something you can recognize and word towards.
  • Focus on your most important goals. A shotgun approach rarely works; select one to three areas to focus on at a time. Once a goal is attained or becomes obsolete, replace it with a new intention.
  • Visualize success. What will you feel like when you have attained your goal? Look like? See yourself reaching your intentions and paint every detail in your mind.
  • Be realistic. If you hate fish, don’t set a goal of eating salmon at least once a week. If you are afraid of public speaking, don’t make your first goal a TEDtalk. Start where you are and use what you have.
  • Write your goals down. Writing down your goals helps in two ways: First, it helps you clarify exactly what you are working towards. Secondly, if you post your goals in a prominent location, it serves as a reminder of what you want to achieve.
  • Track your progress. When progress is incremental, it can be difficult to gain perspective on how far you have come. And, when you don’t have a sense of the bigger picture, small setbacks can be very discouraging. Find a way to record your progress. This can be as simple as re-reading earlier journal entries to see how your perspective has changed or it can take the form of measureable data. The “how” isn’t important; the acknowledgement of overall progress is.
  • Tell somebody. Most people feel more accountable when others know of their intentions. If you are the only aware of your goal to run a 5K in eight weeks, it’s pretty easy to skip your training runs and retire to the sofa. If, however, your friends and family know of your goal, you’ll be more encouraged to make sure you don’t end up backing out of the race. If you don’t want to involve your social group in your goals, you can start an anonymous blog or Twitter account. Even if you have few readers, just the act of making your intentions public creates accountability.
  • Join a group. When you’re surround by like-minded people that are trying to achieve a similar change, it makes it easier to make those changes and make them stick.
  • Utilize technology. Put goals and plans on your calendar. Set reminders and alerts. Change your home screen to a reminder of your goals. Download an app that helps you implement or track your goals. It’s easy to neglect your own well-being while you’re taking care of others. Make sure you clamor for own attention too.
  • Tie new habits with established ones. If you already brush your teeth each day and you want to start a daily meditation practice, make a habit of meditating every day after you brush your teeth. It’s easier to start something new when it’s paired with something familiar.
  • Pair a desired action with something desirable. Want to go to the gym every morning? Splurge on your favorite shower gel and keep it in your gym bag to be used after that early workout. Need an incentive to journal every week? Head to your favorite coffee shop to get your writing done. No journaling, no coffee shop.
  • Create a challenge. If you are competitive by nature and you enjoy making a game out of things, join a challenge group or create your own contest. One way to do this is through a streak where you have to complete a certain activity for a specified amount of time for a certain number of consecutive days. For example, you may challenge yourself to walk at least a mile every day for a month. You can also ramp up the challenge – a mile a day at the beginning that slowly increases to three miles a day at the end. If you miss a day, the challenge starts over. That’s a great incentive to stick with it!

Coloring Inside the Lines

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Modern life has few boundaries.

The mountains and oceans that used to hem us in through their pure geographic monstrosity can now be crossed with a few hundred dollars and a few hours to spare. Friendships and even romances can be cultivated around the world through Skype and Google Translate. A burgeoning author no longer needs connections or a kiss from fate when Amazon is ready to publish the book for nothing more than a promise of a share of the riches. College courses stream through our phones, bringing advanced knowledge to anyone who is willing to put forth the effort. The “glass ceiling” may still exist, but so do plenty of ways to break through. A lack of funds is no longer reason to avoid chasing your dreams; simply create a Kickstarter campaign and let the public fund you.

There are few firm limits imposed upon us. We live in a world that is overflowing with possibilities. It’s the life equivalent of a mile-long cereal aisle at the grocery store, overwhelming us with the available options that surpass our known interests. It can be paralyzing, because selecting one means eschewing all others. Ironically, too much choice often leads to no choice at all because we are paralyzed by possibility.

Boundaries create comfort.

I spend my days with teenagers, a group that is constantly fighting against the boundaries placed upon them. In my first year of teaching, I found opportunities to give them tasks with no boundaries. Almost without fail, the lessons failed. Presented with no limits, rather than exploring, they simply froze, their pencils held high above their blank white pages. Through trial and error, I learned how to craft assignments with enclosures large enough to allow some freedom yet small enough to provide some constraint. I constructed boundaries that were firm, yet flexible for those that needed more freedom. And they responded by taking pencil to paper, the guidelines urging them forward.

One of the reasons that life after divorce is so overwhelming is that the boundaries have been removed. Your life has gone from a coloring page where you were filling in the existing shapes to the petrifying possibilities of a clean sheet of white paper.

Start by setting your boundaries, sketching out the guidelines that you want to operate within. Make them firm small enough to push you forward, yet flexible enough to allow you to change course. The more overwhelmed you are, the more rules you need. It’s comfortable to color inside the lines. And then, once you have found your footing once again, let the color fill your life. Lines be damned.

Leap Year

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I spent the first part of my spring break visiting family in San Antonio. It’s always strange revisiting the city and home of my childhood, only this time as an adult. It’s interesting to note the changes, both in the environment and in how I perceive the surroundings.

We went straight from the airport to a lovely gluten-free restaurant and bakery, where I had my first Belgian waffles in over 8 years. Other patrons commented on and related to the ecstasy I was experiencing with my meal; once something has been taken away, it will never again be taken for granted.

photo 1-1The next stop was the zoo, where my mom and I got to experience a first for both of us – a front row seat to some lion hanky panky. You know that rumbling roar that you heard on Saturday afternoon? Well, I saw its origin. Yikes. Let’s just say, I’m glad I’m not a lioness.

I’ll spare you the pictures of the carnal shenanigans (what? you know you would have clicked too), and share some of the other big cats we saw instead. The facility has replaced parts of the enclosures with glass, which makes for an amazingly up-close and intimate experience.

photo 4photo 3-1It’s funny, even though we are largely visual creatures, smells have a way of activating memory like no image ever can. When I encountered the overripe candle scent of the mold-o-rama animal machine, I was instantly 6 again, tugging on my dad’s hand while stating the reasons I needed a five inch wax gorilla in order to survive. I prevailed. The gorilla, however, did not. It turns out soft plastic toys are not particularly suited to the climate of South Texas.

photo 1-2The zoo’s new (to me, at least) Africa exhibit allows a great view of an okapi, which I described as, “A giraffe and a zebra walk into a bar…” These quiet creatures were undiscovered until the late 19th century and early reports were met with skepticism. Sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction.

photo 5The zoo memories were all safe ones; although my ex and I went together several times, it was more a place from early childhood. The next day’s outing was the potentially dangerous one.

My ex worked at Sea World for almost two years in our late teens/early twenties. He would come home from his jack-of-all trades position in the scenic department with his polyester uniform stiff with dried sweat and imbued with a tenacious odor of fish to regal me with stories of mischievous animals and demanding bosses. During those years, I often went to the park with him, using the free pass to gain access to Great White, a short but oh-so-sweet hanging roller coaster. I had not been to the park since he quit that position, almost 18 years ago.

photo 2-2

It turns out that 18 years is a long time. The park has changed and morphed so much, that not only did it hold few memories (except for Great White, whose every twist and turn I could still recall), but I even found myself getting lost on the winding paths. And with all of the renovations over the years, every set that his hands had touched had long since been relegated to the garbage. Seemed appropriate.

My mom and I are on our way to becoming professional patio hoppers.

photo 5-1

We toured the patios of the Texas Hill country and ended up stopping at Luckenbach, a “city” that when I was teenager was described as “having a population of two, but one died.” The city has become famous through Willie Nelson, as its post office has now turned into a gift shop surrounded by a bar, outdoor music venue and dance hall that is frequented by country and folk musicians. Although it has grown, the vibe has remained the same. It felt like coming home again.

photo 4-1You can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take the Texas out of the girl…

photo-4While I was gone, spring continued to proceed in Atlanta (if there was a pause button, I would have pushed it). My husband sent me some pictures of the party our azaleas were throwing. I was worried about my new plantings, still tender and unsure with shallow roots and delicate leaves. Much like us, they need some nurturing during times of change and stress.

And when they receive the care they need, they respond with growth.

flowersAs I examined the emergent growth, I was reminded of the common saying in the gardening world:

The first year, they sleep. The second year, they creep. And the third year, they leap.

And I thought back to my own growth process after divorce. The slow, almost undetectable changes of the first year. The gradual improvements of the second. And the radical changes in year three as the behind the scenes work paid off.

Provide nurture in your sleep year. Surround yourself with support. Feed your hope and your soul. Be gentle and kind to your displaced heart.

Be patient in your creep year. Remove any weeds that invade your life. Continue to seek out supplemental support, yet also learn to trust that you can survive periods of harshness.

Celebrate your leap year. Don’t hesitate to show your true colors and live out loud. Know that your early work has built a strong foundation that will withstand even the most savage storms.

Live the Life You Have, Not the Life You Lost

Posted on by stilllearning2b
live the life

Live the life you have, not the life you lost.

I recently re-watched the movie Stand By Me for the first time in many years. As with every exposure to one of Stephen King’s masterpieces, I was again struck by the particular insight the author has into the expanding and mysterious world of a child. As with all of my previous encounters with the story (either in book or movie form), I was drawn to the character of Gordie. He is the quieter, more introspective one of the group. He observes. He analyzes. He is both in the moment and aware of the bigger picture.

And he is also invisible.

We learn that his older brother, one of those “shining” boys that attracts the adoration of all, was killed the previous year in a car accident. The grocer doesn’t see Gordie, he only sees the brother of the one who was taken too soon. Even his parents barely acknowledge their surviving child, protecting the older brother’s shrine of a room over the needs of Gordie. We see them going through the motions of life without purpose. Nurturing the one who is gone while neglecting the one who is left.

They are living the life they lost, not the life they have.

It’s easy to do. When the loss is acute, it demands attention. It insists that it be the primary focus of every day and every breath. And in healthy grieving, the loss never fades completely, yet it no longer occupies the front seat, displacing everything else.

But sometimes grief becomes stuck. And the loss remains the number one, relegating the ones who remain to a place of invisibility and inattention.

Nurturing what was instead of what is.

It’s hard to change the future. But it’s even harder to change the past.

Live the life you have, not the life you lost.