Four Types of Marital Abandonment You Need to Know About

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I filed for a “fault” divorce (which, in retrospect, was a mistake), one of the reasons cited was “marital abandonment.” It was a clear call – he walked out of the house and out of my life, leaving everything behind in order to start a new life in a new state. It’s the textbook form of abandonment we’re all familiar with, a sudden and complete severing of the marital ties.

But it’s not the only way that a spouse can desert their marriage. These other forms of abandonment may be more subtle, but their impact is no less excruciating.

It’s important for us to be aware of the ways that we may be rejecting our spouses and if we’re on the receiving end, it’s helpful to understand what is happening.

 

Physical Abandonment

Physical abandoment can occur even when the body remains in the shared home. It can take the form of reduced affection, touching less and less as the years progress. Sometimes it’s a literal turning away when one partner bids for attention, leaving the request for physical contact unfullfilled. Other times, physical abandonment occurs in a more subtle way, a slow decline over time.

This type of abandonment can also be sexual, where one parter desires sexual connection and the other continually rejects their advances. Even when this rejection originates from valid concerns (such as illness that makes sexual contact difficult or painful), the partner who desires the physical contact tends to feel abandoned.

For many of us, touch is an important part of feeling loved. Feeling desired. And so when that touch is removed from a relationship, we feel discarded and worthless.

 

Attentional Abandonment

We all want to be seen, especially by the person that we love. Attentional abandonment occurs when we feel invisible within our own home as our spouse’s focus is directed elsewhere for extended periods of time. This can often be seen after the birth of a child, when the infant becomes the sole focus and the spouse is moved to the periphery. It also happens when one – or both – partners are focused on work, ailing family members, other people or hobbies.

Every marriage goes through patches of attentional abandonment with outside responsibilities have to take priority for a time. The problem arises when it becomes habitual and energy is continually funneled outside the marriage.

Without attention, a marriage, like a lawn, will whither. Whatever you nurture, grows.

 

Emotional Abandonment

When one person shares their emotional state with the other, it is a time of vulnerability. And when the response is dismissive or lacking, it leaves the vulnerable person feeling stranded without support or validation. When this is a continual pattern, it often leads to withdrawal and a lack of trust.

A lack of emotional connection weakens a marriage and can lead to a situation here two people are living alongside each other instead of living with each other. Ideally, each person can feel like the other has their back – both physically AND emotionally.

 

Spiritual Abandonment

This type of desertion can be as clear as one partner renouncing the faith that was a cornerstone of the relationship from the beginning. But it can also be beneath the surface of the marriage. All relationships have certain key values and goals and that center – family, personal growth, financial success, etc. And when one person in the marriage no longer holds those same guiding values, it leaves the other feeling discarded.

Of course, each person has the right and the freedom to shift their values and driving principles over time. Regardless of how it is handled, one partner may feel abandoned by the other. However, when there is open communication, the feeling of personal rejection will be lessened.

No matter what the intentions of our partners, we all can feel rejected sometimes. But there are ways that we can limit this reaction. Overall, feelings of abandonment are increased when the changes are abrupt and there is no discussion of the situation. When we feel like we understand why the withdrawal is occurring, we are less likely to take it personally and less likely to view it as a desertion of the marriage.

What We Can All Learn From “Married At First Sight”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The concept of this show fascinates me. It’s taking the concept of arranged marriage, adding the knowledge and support of psychologists and relationship experts and applying the mixture on modern singles who, by the very fact they are willing to take this risk, may not be very traditional. The show’s participants first must submit to hours of interviews and psychological tests in addition to a home visit before they are even considered. Then, when the producers have their potential partners narrowed down, the experts (a psychologist, a sexologist and a spiritual advisor) sift through the candidates in order to determine which ones would make good matches.

Not for a date.

Or even to live on an island together for a month.

But for a marriage.

A legally binding, til death do us part promise, delivered to a person they have never met.

Yikes.

Now, of course this is sensational. And extreme for most of us. But it’s also a very interesting social experiment that has some surprising elements of wisdom that we can all learn from.

Even good people may not make good spouses

It’s interesting to hear the experts debate about the candidates. They each have their own particular insight into personalities and insecurities. And they frequently will classify a person as a really good guy/gal, but pass them by because they are doubtful of their ability to make a good spouse.

There is a difference between being a good person and being a good partner. And that’s an important distinction to be aware of, whether you’re in the role of the good-person-but-not-relationship-ready or you’ve fallen for a good person who is missing key elements of relationship readiness. Sometimes good people need to be good and single, at least for now. And that’s okay.

There’s no such thing as a perfect match

As the experts solidify the matches, they point out areas where the proposed couple may struggle. And that’s after a pool of thousands has been scrutinized, analyzed and organized.

Because when you bring together two imperfect people, you’re going to have an imperfect union.

The participants are counseled before they commit to the experience that their match will not be utopian. And that’s a good conviction to start a marriage with. Because when you don’t lead with the expectation of perfection, you’re less likely to run away at the first sign of disharmony.

Marriage requires sustained effort

The participants go in with the assumption that they’re going to have to work at building a relationship with the stranger-spouse. Whereas, in a typical marriage,  we go in with the assumption that the work (dating, etc.) is already done. There’s a dangerous belief out there which states that marriage should not require work and that one that makes demands of effort is somehow lacking in authenticity.

Either those that perpetuate that myth have never been married to a person with their own beliefs and opinions or they misunderstand the definition of work. Because marriage absolutely requires work – mental or physical effort expended with the intention of achieving a desired purpose or result. And if you don’t work at it, it won’t work for you.

Let your support system support you

The participants in the show may have to deal with the endless cameras and individual interviews, but they are lucky in one regard – they have support and a lot of it. Most of us are not fortunate enough to be surrounded by a team of professionals that are all rooting for our marriage.

Yet even though we don’t have the budget of television, we can all choose to surround ourselves with people that support us AND believe in our marriage. The people we encircle our marriage with are almost as important as the person we choose to marry.

Attraction can grow

Some of the matched pairs display an immediate attraction. But most approach their spouse for what he or she is – a stranger. Neither compelling or repealing, but simply an unknown that they are about to pledge their commitment to. But those that agree to this experiment all have a powerful belief that attraction can grow and be cultivated.

Not convinced? Have you ever felt attraction fade due to inattention or a focus on the negative? Why would this only run in a single direction? Whatever you nurture, grows. Rather than gazing over the fence, water your own grass and grow the attraction in your marriage.

Let’s talk about sex BEFORE we talk about marriage

I applaud the inclusion of an expert in sex and intimacy on the show. Sex is important in a marriage and while any amount or type of sex is variable and up for debate, the spouses’ agreement on it is not. As with anything, it is easy to lead with assumptions and shame about sex – “This is what I like, so it must also be what my partner likes.” “The amount of sex I want is normal and anybody who wants more or less is either sex-addicted or frigid.” “I’m uncomfortable talking about sex, but it’s just the act that matters, right?” “Sex is a sign of a healthy relationship.” “A relationship must be healthy before sex can take place.”

Of course, the couples in the show don’t have the opportunity to discuss sexual needs, desires and hang-ups before the marriage. So the experts do it for them. They are careful to avoid pairing someone with more puritanical views with a person who is more passionate and adventurous. For the rest of us, we have to do that talking ourselves. And yes, it is important to talk. Because the added hormones at the beginning of a relationship can hide a lot of incompatibility.

Commit to the marriage separate from the person

On the best days, you will be committed to your marriage AND to your spouse. But they’re not all best days. In fact, some of the days of the marriage will be awful. And those are the days to be even more resolute in your commitment. Not to your partner (especially if you can’t even look at them without growling at the moment), but to the marriage.

And that’s exactly what the participants in the show do. They’ve committed to the marriage (and yes, to the show) before they ever pledged their loyalty to a particular spouse. And there’s real value in that. As long as the spouse is not abusive, let your commitment to the marriage be the glue that keeps you together through the hard times.

Focus on fixing yourself and getting to know your partner

It’s so easy to focus on your partner’s flaws and to pronounce that everything would be better if he or she would simply change. Yet in the show, that option is rarely there since the spouses know next-to-nothing about each other. Instead, they (with the encouragement of the support professionals), work to address their own issues and insecurities while making an effort to get to know their partner. They’re a little less likely to lay blame at the feet of the other.

Those duel processes – improving yourself and listening to your partner without assumptions – are ongoing. People are dynamic. Marriages are dynamic. If you stay static, you’ll miss the magic.

At the end of the show, some spouses do call it quits and decide to divorce. But others see the potential and the progress and elect to stay married.

And at the end of the day, marriage is more about the hundreds of commitments made every day than the single big vow on the wedding day.

 

8 Reasons Relationships Move Too Fast (And Why You Should Slow It Down)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
relationship fast

Are you worried that your relationship is moving too fast?

It’s so easy to get carried away when you first meet somebody you’re attracted to. The oxytocin is flowing, the possibilities seem endless and you’ve yet to learn how annoying they can be on a long car ride. And sometimes that early intensity moves quickly into exclusivity, commitment and even cohabitation well before you even know much about your partner’s inner workings.

The following are 8 common reasons why relationships move too fast:

Fear of Being Alone

I see this fear in ever-increasing numbers in my friends as we all move towards middle age and beyond. It often seems as though it is better to have somebody than nobody, and so a new love interest is quickly catapulted into the role of “life partner.” Some people are aware of being motivated by a fear of being alone, while others are not conscious of the reasons behind their drive to be coupled.

It can be isolating when you’re not in a primary relationship and the fear that you will always be alone can solidify into conviction, prompting a ride on the fast track into partnership. But, as you may have experienced, the wrong relationship can be far, far worse than no relationship and there is no greater loneliness than that of feeling alone in a relationship.

Afraid of Losing “The One”

A belief in a soulmate, a perfect-fit partner, can create a desire to grasp onto someone out of a fear of missing out on “the one.” Maybe you’re afraid if you don’t commit soon, they’ll walk away. Or maybe they even presented you with an ultimatum. Regardless, the belief in a soulmate can create a sense of urgency, much like a one-day-sale at a department store encourages you to pull the trigger on a purchase.

I don’t believe in soulmates. There are many people that can be a good fit for you. And “the one” is part found (similar values, right timing, etc.) and part grown (developing intimacy, communication, history). That second part cannot be rushed. Or if it is, you may find later that the relationship is only partially developed.

Confusing Hormones for Love

There’s a reason the beginning of a relationship is so exciting – you’re literally high. Stoned on oxytocin, your body telling you to bond and bond fast. And it’s easy to listen to that siren song of lust, spending every waking moment you can with your new obsession and running into a relationship.

Oxytocin is powerful. But it’s also blinding. Would make a major life decision while you’re drunk? Because if you’re pledging yourself to another while still under the effects of those early hormones, that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Only Know How to be Committed

This was the one that got me when I started dating. When you have been married or in an exclusive relationship for a long time, it is all you know. And so you may approach dates as though they are a date night with your spouse. Not because you intend to move too quickly, but because commitment is what is known and comfortable.

Like anything, dating takes practice. Refrain from seeing only one person if you’re afraid you’ll slip back into commitment like a pair of fuzzy slippers. Learn to navigate through those early “getting to know you” weeks and months before you think about what comes next.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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5 Truths You Have to Accept Before Your Second Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Your Baggage is Your Problem

It’s always nice when someone offers to carry our bags for us. There’s a relief that comes from shifting that burden; a sense of freedom when the weight is lifted. But when it comes to relationships, your baggage is your problem. Whether you have residual anger that flares when provoked, fear of betrayal or abandonment or irrational overreactions from triggers buried in your past, it is up to you to address them.

baggage

No Pining Allowed

It’s natural to miss your ex at times. Perhaps they had traits your new partner lacks or maybe you shared a different connection. Watch those thoughts. If you are yearning for your past, you will miss your present. Whatever was is over. Be where you are.

You Must Perfect the Art of Compromise

Marriages that occur later in life can be more complicated, as two full and separate worlds come together. Each partner may be less flexible and more set on his or her ways than in a first marriage. If you want to share your life with someone, you will have to adapt. You will have to let go in order to let in.

Vulnerability and Intimacy May Be a Struggle

Both of you have probably been wounded. Perhaps deeply. Once you have been hurt, it’s tempting to build ramparts to ensure that you are never attacked again. But a marriage requires vulnerability to survive. In a second marriage, it can be an ongoing struggle to trust enough to open up. The effort is worth it.

Your Spouse is Your Partner, Not Your Savior

It’s easy to project the “white knight” persona onto the person that helps us see love and light again. It’s important to remember, however, that your spouse can’t save you. They can only hold your hand while you save yourself. And that can make your second marriage even better.

Knight

Connection

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the complaints I often hear from the newly divorced and newly dating is that they don’t feel a connection with any of their companions. They say the dates are “okay” but bemoan the lack of a spark or bond.

But I wonder if they’re looking for the right thing.

In a marriage, intimacy develops between the spouses. You have seen the other at his or her best as well as his or her worst. In time, you accept their vulnerabilities and expose your own. You become accustomed to that level of connection.

And then divorce happens. And either suddenly or with a slow slip over time, that intimacy is gone. And it feels strange. Foreign. Isolating. Lonely.

So you look for that connection, that intimacy. You meet people, go out on dates, looking to regain that feeling of being connected and understood. But every encounter falls short. Sure, some start off with a bang (sometimes literally), but then sooner or later you’re left feeling alone again as the chasm between you and your not-too-far-from-stranger-date becomes clear.

One of my most memorable moments with Brock occurred after we had been dating for less than a year. I was over at his house for the night, where he woke me up around 2:00 a.m. to inform me we needed to go to the emergency room. He was scared – I could see it in his eyes. An hour later, we were in an exam room, the basics addressed and waiting for further tests. This normally strong and self-assured man was prone on a hospital bed, the gown revealing little flesh but lots of vulnerabilities. He asked for me to hold his hand. He asked for me to read to him. It was the first time since my marriage that an adult had been laid bare in front of me.

After months of more superficial connections, it was a bit strange being at that level of intimacy again. Foreign, yet familiar. This was the feeling I was looking for on dates. But that was a fool’s mission. Because that kind of intimacy takes trust and trust takes time to build.

I had been looking for that type of connection again on my dates.

But connections are formed, not found.

You may find lust on a first date, but you won’t find trust.

You may find curiosity, but you won’t experience intimacy.

You may find potential, but you won’t find a partner.

That takes time.

And adaptation.

I have a guest post about the role of adaptation in dating over at Must Be This Tall to Ride. Check it out and then follow Matt’s blog. He’s a divorced father who writes refreshingly honest and funny essays about the adventures. You’ll be entertained and enlightened at all once:)