Lonely in Love? How Long to Create a Shared History?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

How long does it take to create a shared history?

I think I finally have an answer.

In many ways, losing the shared history that I had with my first husband was even harder than losing my first husband. Because a shared history is something distinctive. The best and most memorable moments coexisting in both people, creating an intimacy unique to the couple. Time has eroded all of the rough edges of the reality, leaving only the pearls.

A year after he left, I no longer missed him at all.

But I desperately missed the existence of a shared history.

And that’s a terribly isolating feeling.

—–

Even as I was falling in love with my now-husband, I was lonely. I wasn’t sure why at first. We spent a great deal of quality time together, he was attentive and we were having a great time getting to know each other and taking the baby steps towards a shared life.

So why did I sometimes look at him and feel as though he was miles away?

It’s because he didn’t speak the language of my former shared history. I would have the overwhelming urge to bring up an old inside joke or remember a former shared experience. And even though I was falling for this man, this was a particular language he would never know.

In good relationships, the shared history is near the surface. Stories told and retold. Memories remembered. It’s a way to snug the laces holding two people together by recalling the happy times, the times of overcoming and the times you’re glad are over.

And that urge to share doesn’t end as soon as the relationship does. Leaving you feeling as though you’ve abruptly dropped in a foreign country and nobody else understands your native tongue.

—–

As time when on, I slowly forgot some of my earlier language. The urge to speak it lessened as my old shared history became less important and less in the forefront.

There was space to create a new shared history – one with my new partner. I was ready. But the creation of a shared history cannot be rushed.

So how long does it take to fully form a shared history?

The kind that has fully developed rituals to reflect back on and look forward to?

The kind that can provide an abundance of happy moments to recall?

The kind that has shared words and shared jokes that prompt a feeling of intimacy and love?

The kind that possesses narratives of the partners overcoming adversity together?

How long?

Right around five years.

Now, obviously a shared history is not operated by a switch – now you don’t have it, now you do. It grows over time, like a savings account with consistent deposits. But just like like savings account, there comes a moment when you step back and realize that all of those small additions have built up to something significant.

Five years is enough time for holiday rituals to become established. Five years is long enough to have a wealth of good memories to pull from and enough adversity to recall the overcoming of it. It’s a span where change is evident – in bodies, in homes, in goals – and reminiscing about the earlier versions can occur. After five years, you have amassed enough photographs and cards and texts to tell the story of your relationship. Now just how it began, but how it evolved.

Five years may feel like a long time. But it’s much shorter than never.

—–

If you’re feeling lonely and isolated after the loss of a shared history, try the following-

-Reconnect with people from your past. It will refresh a different shared history and lessen some of that loneliness.

-If you have kids, be aware that you are helping to build their first shared history. Be intentional and find joy in the history you’re creating with them.

-In the beginning, it’s hard not to voice the shared memories that surface. Be patient with yourself. And then work to lessen their presence. No need to eradicate them, just don’t keep them in the file folder in the front of the mental drawer.

-If you’re starting a new relationship, be patient. It takes time to develop a full shared history. As it is created, nurture it by interacting with it. For example, revisit special restaurants, use nicknames and remind your partner of a time when they really shined.

-Stay busy and engaged. Love your moments and you won’t worry as much about your memories.

I’m Determined to Make Marriage Work: Valuable Lessons From Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
second marriage

“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” Oscar Wilde

“This is it, though.” I said to my then-boyfriend when he brought up the idea of marriage. “I want to be married again but this is it. I’m not going through another divorce.”

And with that vow, I decided to do some things differently in my second marriage. Because even though there is no such thing as divorce-proof, I can still make sure that I do everything I can to inoculate my second marriage from dissolution.

Choosing Differently

I based my choice of my first husband largely upon how he treated me. I chose my second husband more because of how he treated people other than me. It’s easy to treat somebody well when you’re in the sunshine-and-roses stage of a new relationship. That’s more a sign of hormones than character. But how somebody treats people in general? That’s telling.

I also looked for concrete signs in my second husband that he wasn’t afraid of imperfection and that he had a proclivity to repair rather than replace. My ex was concerned about appearances. How he was perceived. Weakness and flaws were to be feared and concealed. In contrast, my second husband sees cracks as an opportunity for creative problem-solving and reworking. I’m still learning from him on that one.

Awareness That Sustainability is Not Inevitable

I assumed that my first husband would always be there because he always had been there. I expected that marriage to last because I wanted it to. I thought that since we had been okay, that we would continue to be okay.

It was a naive view of marriage – seeing it like a Rube Goldberg design with it’s upfront work followed by effortless activity. I see more like a garden now. Yes, much of the work is concentrated in the beginning. But it takes constant monitoring and consistent attention to ensure its continuation. If it’s neglected for too long, the flowers will fall to weeds.

Never Take Anything For Granted (And Never Fail to Share Appreciation)

My ex husband was good to me. But I wasn’t always good to him. I transferred my work stress onto his shoulders, lessening my load but also burdening him. I would thank him for some kind deed, but then negate it with criticism about some detail. I expected him to help and grew accustomed to his willingness to do so.

Now, I allow myself to be surprised at every gesture of kindness or every offer of help. Not because it’s rare, but because I appreciate it every time. And I more generous with sharing that appreciation and keeping any disappointment in the details to myself. To say, “Thank you,” rather than “Thank you, but…”

Allow My Husband to Feel Like a Man

Perhaps because my first husband didn’t fit neatly into society’s stereotypes about being “a man,” or maybe because I went through my formative dating years without my dad around, I didn’t have an awareness of the importance of certain conditions and their impact on a man’s self-worth.

From my now-husband, I’ve learned about the importance of feeling like a man. Of feeling in control over his domain. Of being recognized for his contributions. Of feeling a need to protect his family. Of feeling a need to appear the strongest when at the most vulnerable. And of the shame and emptiness that can come from not feeling like a man.

Do My Own Thing (And Encourage Him to Do His)

My ex and I used to do most everything together. We enjoyed each other’s company and we enjoyed many of the same experiences. We even shared many of the same friends. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it meant that we grew to depend upon each other for much of our social, intellectual and entertainment needs. And that’s a lot to ask of one person.

Although I may sometimes grumble that I’m a Ju Jitsu widow, I’m glad that my now-husband has passions apart from me. And I make sure to engage in mine as well. Our separate interests keep us interesting to each other. It means that we get some of our needs met elsewhere, placing less demand on the marriage. I miss him sometimes, yet that also means that I’m always happy to see him.

Prioritize Self-Care and Extinguish Martyrdom

I can have an ugly tendency to do it all and expect empathy or recognition for my efforts. In my first marriage, I sacrificed my well-being for the financial health of the family, taking on every additional school and tutoring assignment that I could. Rather than doing it from a place of generosity, I often did it from a place of martyrdom – look how much I’m working for us.

Needless to say, that’s not a healthy approach. I now strive to recognize when I’m slipping into that mindset and when it’s noticed, I either shift to a place of giving or I switch to a period of self-care. I also work to be careful of my decisions. Rather than claiming I’m doing something because of someone else, I recognize that I’m choosing to do (or not so) that thing. The other person may be a factor, but they are not the causal factor.

Manage My State of Arousal and Anxiety

I can get pretty worked up. My emotions and anxieties can build until they feel like soda bubbles beneath my skin. In my first marriage, my ex became the expert at talking me down. All he had to do was wrap me in his arms, skin to skin, and my heart rate would quickly slide back down to normal. I grew dependent upon that power. And he abused that power.

When my anxiety is spiking, I can’t reason well. I can’t engage meaningfully and fairly in a difficult conversation. And I can’t listen fully because the fears are screaming too loudly. I’ve spent the past almost seven years (wow – has it actually been that long?!?) learning to recognize and tame my anxiety. I’m not always successful. But I’m always working to be better. And it’s my responsibility.

Have Patience With Problems and Openness With Solutions

I’m impatient when it comes to…well, just about anything. And problems (or perceived problems) in my marriage are not exempt. When I used to be upset at my ex for something, I would bring it up right away and expect an immediate solution. That led to a lot of bandaids, I figure, hiding the bleeding fatal wounds beneath.

I’m now more patient (sometimes too patient – always learning!) with bringing up issues. And I try to pose them as questions to be answered, not as problems with solutions I’ve already devised (which, let’s face it, usually consists of the other person needing to change). I try to be open to solutions that I haven’t thought of and be accepting of the fact that they may take time to work out. Curiosity and a sense a teamwork go a long way in negotiating life with another.

Be Willing to Confront and Challenge

When my ex was laid off yet again and had trouble locating a new company in his limited field, he elected to go solo. I supported him completely, surrounding him with pep talks and agreeing with all his decisions. But underneath, I had doubts. Both in his business model and in his justifications of money spent on equipment and software. Instead of just nodding along, I should have challenged his decisions. But I was afraid to.

When I have concerns now, I voice them. Not in an effort to shoot my husband down, but with the goal of helping him – and helping us – make better and more informed decisions. I’m not afraid to stand up to him, even if it means my toes get stepped on. A little bruising of the feelings is better than standing back and letting someone veer off course.

Trust But Verify

My avoidance of verification got me into real trouble in my first marriage. I took his word way too easily because it’s what it seemed on the surface and what I wanted it to be deep down. In my second marriage, I trust my husband. But it’s not blind trust.

I am also more aware of the importance of trusting myself. To see what’s there and to be okay even if I don’t like what I find. I’m better at checking in with my intuition and making sure it agrees with what I’m being told.

—–

It’s sad how many of us don’t really learn how to do marriage until we’ve buried one. I guess it’s one of those areas where we have to experience it to really learn it. I’m just determined to not need a repeat of the lessons. Because that’s a class no one ever wants to take again!

 

 

 

 

 

Is Divorce Your Only Option?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first read this piece by Matt on why he declined to participate in Huffington Post’s collection on when divorce is the only option, my knee-jerk response was that sometimes divorce is the only option.

When I filed for divorce, my husband was MIA, married to another woman and still actively funneling my credit and paycheck towards his new life.

I certainly didn’t see any other option other than cutting those legal ties as quickly as possible.

But what if I had discovered the infidelities (financial and relational) months before? The decision to divorce at that point would not have been so clear. Perhaps he could have received intensive treatment for addiction. Maybe trust could be rebuilt along with the finances, a team approach towards mending a broken marriage.

And if I had been aware of his shame or his unhappiness or his struggles with employment years before the end (and realized my own fear of confrontation), the entire trajectory of those final years could have been altered. Tracks built together towards a different future.

What if we had made a more conscious start to our relationship rather than simply following one foot in front of the other? What if we had spent more time discussing the potential hardships that can befall a marriage and explore ways to avoid those traps?

Or, tracing that reasoning all the way back, what if I had been more aware of my own struggles with abandonment and anxiety and more attuned to his struggles with avoidance and shame when we first started dating? Maybe I would have chosen a different husband. One that wouldn’t have made divorce the only option.

Any marriage can get to a point (The “F” It Point) where divorce becomes the only option.

From ‘Til Death Do You Part?:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

But that point doesn’t spontaneously generate. And its creation is ultimately the responsibility of both partners.

Sometimes divorce is the only option.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you enter marriage with your eyes open and your ego checked.

If you commit to fixing yourself rather than blaming another.

If you quiet your fears enough to face the truth and trust that you can make it through.

And if you understand that divorce is always an option and that it takes awareness, intention and effort for it to never become the only option.

Should I Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

 

The (Mostly) Unfortunate Side Effects of Being Ghosted

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Being ghosted is the relationship equivalent of the missing persons case. Except in this case, the person chose to go missing. Decided to disappear, leaving you abandoned and doubting.

Being ghosted is heartache seasoned with questions. It’s loss co-mingled with rage. It’s hard to know when to stop hoping and when to start grieving. It’s challenging to put down the mystery before the secret’s revealed and instead pick up the self-help and start to apply its principles.

Before you can move on from being ghosted, you have to understand the impact that it’s had on you. The unfortunate side effects of being ghosted:

Your confidence will take a hit as you question why you were unworthy of a conversation.

You will struggle to take others at their word and you will struggle even more with trusting your own perceptions and conclusions.

Balance between naivety and panic will be hard to find as you try to talk yourself off a ledge while at the same time looking up at the sky for the other shoe to slam into your head.

You may begin to grow towards perfectionism like a plant towards light, some inner voice whispering that you were left because you weren’t good enough.

Prior abandonment, through death, divorce or even adoption will be triggered. And the unwanted child within you will cry at night.

Details become everything. Data points to be combed and connected, looking for clues. And this is not only applied to the ghost, but to any new relationship as well.

The ghosting itself becomes a mystery, a rough stone that tumbles endlessly through your mind as you look for cracks that will reveal what happened. It’s easy to become obsessed with why it happened.

You may be swallowed by depression as the anger and blame is turned inward with no outward target in sight.

Trivial things will grow in importance – the last place you saw the person, the last word, the last embrace. They will grow until they almost overshadow the ghost themselves.

Small disappointments have the ability to become catastrophic as the ghosting has kicked one leg out from under you and it doesn’t take much to make you topple to the floor.

You’ll make sure that you can always be independent at the drop of a hat, financially and otherwise.

You become a screenwriter, crafting narratives around what happened and continuing the threads into an imagined future where you try to figure out where your ex is now.

Emotional walls are constructed in an attempt to keep one safe from others prone to disappearance. Walls that don’t discriminate and keep out the helpers as well as the ghosts.

Numbness sets in, spreading out from your frozen and shattered heart. Some days, it almost seems as though you’re outside yourself.

A fear of discord develops. After all, a disagreement can be a reason to leave.

The rituals of coming and going take on a greater importance. Reassurance that the person will return and celebration when they have.

Certain headlines and news stories catch your eye and you always search for their name.

You may fight an urge to be clingy, wrapped so tightly around someone that they cannot easily shake you off.

You scan crowds looking for signs of your ghost. It’s a bit like a horror movie – you don’t want to look, but you’re compelled to.

You respond irrationally to anything that reminds you of the precursors of the ghosting.

Rage will fill you at the unfairness of it all and you will scream at the injustice of having your voice taken away from you.

Mystery is eventually pushed out by clarity as you start to put together the pieces you were unable or unwilling to see before.

You will begin to see a distinction between you and your ghost, who you are will no longer be defined by what happened to you.

With some time and some distance, relief will begin to permeate. Relief that you’re alive. And even relief that they’re gone.

And at some point, the side effects will be gone as well.

 

For a great piece about the characteristics of ghosters, click here.

And if you want to explore the benefits of being ghosted (no, really), check this out!

The Grandfather Clause In “I Do”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“He drives me so crazy! I want more time with him and yet he only gives me two days a week!”

“Has it always been this way?”

“Well, yes. But I thought he would change after we had been together for awhile.”

—–

“I need her to have more drive. More ambition. She seems to be okay with just staying where she is in life.”

“Has she ever given you any indication that she wanted to work to better her career or herself?”

“Well, no. But I thought she would change her mind at some point.”

—–

We all have traits and habits that can be perceived as negative. We all carry them with us into our relationships and we all have to learn to tolerate them in our partners.

In fact, finding a compatible partner is often more about finding somebody whose negatives you can live with rather than locating all of the positives you desire.

And the time to make that determination is when you are dating.

Because after you are married, they are grandfathered in.

—–

It became apparent early on that Brock had a different toleration level for mess than I do. I distinctly remember our first snow event together. I had my own apartment less than a mile away from his home at that point. My apartment was clean and uncluttered. Almost austere.

For a week, the roads were impassable. I spent most of my days and night with him while hiking through the ice and snow back to my place each afternoon to tend to my cat. And every time I entered my space, I breathed a sigh of release. Not because I was away from Brock, but because I was back in a world of order and arrangement.

I realized that week that I had a decision to make. I knew how Brock lived. And I knew that if I was going to live with him, I would have to make adjustments to my own expectations and approach to home.

He told me who he was.

And I could either accept it or reject it.

And once I made the decision to move forward despite the differences, he was then effectively grandfathered in. It was important for us to learn how to work together to live in harmony (separate bathrooms, my own “safe” space and a cleaner who visits monthly). And it was up to me to work at being accepting of his ways (which I’m usually pretty successful with!).

And it actually turns out that I’m happier living with some mess:) Here’s why!

—–

Most people reveal their negative (from your perspective) traits while you’re dating if you spend enough time together and pay enough attention.

And once you have seen those traits and decided to move forward regardless, it is no longer fair to expect them to change those particular characteristics.

Complaining about irritating traits that have always been present and accounted for is a direct attack on the security of your partner.

It’s changing the rules once the game has already begun.

It’s a bait and switch of acceptance turned into disdain.

When you say “I do,” you’re not only speaking to the characteristics of your spouse that you find endearing, you’re also saying that you accept the rest as well.

—–

Not all behaviors are grandfathered in.

Some begin as mild, so small as to be insignificant in the beginning. And then they grow over time, becoming too big to ignore.

Some may appear for the first time later on in life as a result of experiences, maladaptation or genetics.

Some may have been deliberately hidden from you until it became too late to easily run away. 

And some may be mere annoyances in the beginning but grow into real problems later when children or other responsibilities enter the picture.

Those are the exceptions. And they certainly merit attention.

—–

A grandfather clause is not an excuse for one partner to behave badly. It is a reminder that it is unfair to punish someone for something that was previously communicated to be okay.

And also a good reminder to consider carefully before you leap.