We Want Them to Fight For Us

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We Want Them to Fight For Us

 

When it comes down to being cheated on, I think that was the hardest thing-

That he didn’t see the marriage – didn’t see ME – as something worth fighting for. 

 

I remember reading stories from people who had unfaithful partners who confessed and condemned their own actions, throwing themselves into recovery. I heard about spouses who had made mistakes and once they realized the magnitude of what they were about to lose, fought like hell to keep it. I learned about the pain of relapse and the struggle to again trust the one that betrayed you. I devoured stories of ugly screaming matches, emotions running high as both partners grappled with the magnitude of the shockwave to the relationship.

I envied those people. 

Because my husband never fought at all. 

 

We think we want them to fight for us. But what we really want is for them to WANT to fight for us.

At first, I grew desperate. Even though he refused contact, I sent emails and text messages begging for him to respond to me. To talk to me. I pleaded with him over voice mail, “Please just talk to me. Why are you doing this?”

I never got a response.

It’s natural to panic when we fear we are losing our grip. We beg, we plead, we grow irrational. We believe that if we can just hold tightly enough, that we won’t lose them. 

And it almost always backfires. 

For some, it pushes them away, desperation as repellent. For others, seeing us so panicky makes them feel guilty and, by extension, uncomfortable. And so they try to fight, putting on a good face. But they’re not really fighting for us, they’re playacting to keep us from fighting against them. It’s a hollow victory.

 

When they don’t fight for us, it makes us question our value. 

As the desperation morphed into a begrudging acknowledgement, I grew despondent. This man that fought for so much in his life, refused to even pick up a phone for his wife. For me. Did that mean that I was worth less than his job, his hobbies or, of course, the affair partner?

All I could assume was that, according to his calculus, losing me was not a loss. Which set my value at zero. 

It’s natural for us to see ourselves reflected in our partner. But when they become twisted, that reflection is no longer accurate. They benefit from projection, from painting us as being less than we are in order to pretend to be greater than they are. What they lack, they try to steal from us. 

Perhaps their unwillingness to fight, to face the consequences, is more a reflection of their character and cowardice than of our worth. 

 

When we believe that divorce is not an option, their unwillingness to fight for the marriage makes us feel like a failure. 

When I was in the midst of divorce, I had so many people say to me that, in their marriage, divorce was not an option. 

Well, it wasn’t an option to me either. Until it became a necessity. 

It takes two to make a marriage work, and only one to destroy it.

If you’re the only one fighting to save it, there is nothing to save.

But we don’t give up easily, do we? It’s so hard to accept that they’re not doing their part and that no matter how much we try, we cannot do their part for them. That sometimes, accepting it’s over isn’t quitting, it’s taking care of ourselves.

 

We cannot make them fight for us.

But we can fight for ourselves.

To believe in our worth and settle for nothing less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 Strategies to Better Handle Relationship Conflict

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Raise your hand if you feel like you could do better when it comes to managing conflict in your relationship.

I have both hands up.

One of the lovely lasting effects of emerging from a marriage with a covert abuser who morphed and manipulated instead of speaking his mind was that after 16 years of partnership, I was still a newbie at managing conflict. And I’ve had plenty of falls down that steep learning curve.

Here’s some of what I’ve learned (okay, what I’m still learning) –

 

1 – Understand You and Your Partner’s Processing Styles

As an introvert, I tend to think for a long time before I speak. I can easily spend days letting an idea fully form before I release it to the world. My husband is the opposite. A classic extrovert, he processes his thoughts out loud, releasing them before they have any form at all.

Neither style is better than the other, but it’s important to recognize which one best fits you and your partner. The trouble comes when the introvert is pressed to speak immediately or the extrovert’s words are assumed to be well thought out gospel.

 

2 – Don’t Become too Attached to the Initial Words Spoken

We all can choose the wrong words or say something more harshly than we mean it. Whether coming from a place of impulsivity and emotional intensity or from a downward spiral led by our own imagination, we sometimes say things in a hurtful way.

When you’re the recipient of those words, it’s difficult not to react in defensiveness or anger. It feels like an attack and so it’s easy to respond in kind. Strive to take a breath and ask for clarification before you accept those words as truth. Often, you’ll find that those hurtful thoughts were more fears than reality.

 

3 – Speak Early and Often

We all know what happens when you heat a tightly sealed container in the microwave. Don’t be that container. Instead of letting your grievances build, share your concerns as they arise.

This strategy has two benefits – One, conflicts are easily to manage when they are small and two, we improve at anything with practice. You will learn to navigate conflict better if it is smaller and more frequent than the occasional big blowout.

 

4 – Pay More Attention to What is Working

We all are prone to something called the negativity bias, where negative interactions have much more prominence in our minds than positive ones (which helped us avoid eating poison berries back in the day but now means that a random comment on social media can send us for a loop). So be cognizant of what you say to your partner. Strive to make at least 5-6 positive comments for every negative one.

Also be aware of your own reaction. You may feel like they are always harping on you, but is that truth or your own bias convincing you that it is real. Pay attention (and maybe even write down) each of the positive words or actions. They may be more numerous than you realize.

 

5 – Monitor Your Internal Dialog

Have you ever had an entire argument with someone in your head? Or had a dream about someone and been irritated with them when you woke up? Has your brain ever taken a small conflict and ridden it all the way to the most awful and catastrophic conclusion?

It’s easy to make assumptions about how somebody is going to respond and then spiral from those assumptions. Sometimes we spend so much time thinking through a potential conflict that we struggle to separate the real reactions from the imagined ones. Pay attention to how much time you spend mentally rehearsing a conflict and make sure that you give your partner the space to respond before you assume their reaction.

 

6 – Pay Attention to Your Physical Response

Are you starting to shake? Is your blood pressure increasing? How about your heart rate? When your body becomes too aroused from the conflict, your ability to think rationally decreases. You shift from the thinking brain to the reactionary brain.

Learn how to calm your body’s responses through breathing. It may be cliche, but slow and deep breaths really can help to calm the body and mind (I like a 4 count in, hold for 5 and exhale for 7). In addition, note how your body’s position impacts your physical reactions. I have noticed that I literally feel more grounded when I’m sitting on the floor and so I use that to my advantage when I know that I’m in for an emotionally-charged situation.

 

7 – Take Purposeful Timeouts

Timeouts can be a great strategy when a conversation becomes too heated. But they need to be done the right way. First, make sure to set a deadline for when the conversation will be continued. Otherwise, timeouts can simply become a strategy for avoidance.

Also, use the timeout wisely. Exercise, meditate, go for a walk or engage in your favorite creative pursuit. If all you do is sit and stew in your emotions, there is really no value to the break.

 

8 – Engage in Teamwork-Oriented Activities

It’s easy to get confused in the midst of conflict and think that it’s you vs. partner. Where in reality, it’s you AND partner vs. problem. To help reinforce the reminder that you’re on the team, engage in activities that require that you work together to complete some goal.

When doing this, make note (and verbalize) the strengths you see in your partner. Take the time to remember past challenges that you successfully navigated together. Remember what it was that you saw in them in the first place.

You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When it comes to marriage, the opposite of “right” isn’t “wrong.” It’s “happy.”

Because when we’re too focused on being right within a marriage, we’re losing focus on what’s really important:

– reaching shared goals, even when you differ on the choice of the path to get there

-managing overlapping lives

-and, perhaps most importantly, constantly learning from and encouraging each other.

 

 

You can be right or you can take this opportunity to learn about a different perspective.

I had to laugh when my friend’s husband complained to me that my friend doesn’t load the dishwasher the “right” way. “I didn’t realize there was a universally agreed upon correct method,” I joked.

And that’s true in many areas, not just dishwashers. There may be strategies that are more efficient. Or more effective. Or easier. Or more familiar. That doesn’t necessarily mean that one is more “right” than the others. They’re just different ways of looking at the same thing.

I love the famous parable about the elephant and the six blind men. Each one, feeling a different region of the animal, reaches a different conclusion. “It’s a snake!,” exclaims the man running his hands along the trunk. “No, it’s a rug!” insists the one running the hair on the tip of the tail through his hands.

One elephant. Six men. And six different – and equally valid – conclusions.

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So often the things we disagree about within a marriage fall into this category where there really is no right and wrong, simply different ways of looking at things. And so when we fixate on proving that our way is best, we pass by an opportunity to learn how to see something differently. And that something includes our spouse.

It’s strange how learning that our partner has a different view from us can be threatening. But it can. We all-too-easily begin to believe that they feel the same way about things as we do and it can be a little disorienting when we learn that they have a different perspective. And sometimes, a little shake-up is a good thing:)

 

You can be right or you can focus on solving the problem.

Most of the time, you and your spouse are on the same side. You both want a good environment to raise a happy and healthy family. You both want to make sure that you have financial stability and that you can purchase the things you need. You want time together and also time to maximize your own potential.

Yet when problems arise, it’s easy to take sides, you on one side of the ring and your spouse on the other. When your focus shifts to proving that you’re right (or proving that your partner is wrong), you forget about the expanse of the agreed-upon area between you, instead focusing only on the differences.

When you need to be right, the other person by default has to be wrong. There is a winner. And there is a loser. And perhaps the marriage is the biggest loser of all when you forget the magic that happens when you realize that you’re on the same side. Even when you disagree.

Put your energy on solving the problem. Not on disproving your partner.

 

You can be right or you can allow your spouse to prove your expectations wrong.

Have you ever had a full-on conversation with your spouse about something, only the entirety of the dialog took place within your head? *Sheepishly raises hand*

I know for me, when I finally do have that conversation for real, the actual words coming from my husband’s mouth are usually much more supportive than the imagined ones. Yet, and this has unfortunately happened, if I’ve already convinced myself that my conclusions are right, it’s hard for me to actually hear the words he’s saying.

It’s tricky with spouses. They have a track record. And so we think we know how they’re going to respond before we give them a chance to.

Sometimes, we neglect to have the hard conversations because we believe we already know the answers and so the exercise seems futile. Yet doesn’t it make more sense to ask your spouse the questions and give them enough respect to provide space for their answers.

You can be right or you can admit that sometimes you’re wrong.

It’s not easy to admit when we’re wrong. The ego sees this as a personal attack and any insecurities like to act like school-yard bullies (“You’re so stupid! You’re so stupid!). This is especially true when admitting the wrong threatens our view of ourselves (For example, as a math teacher, I would be more threatened by an error in my mathematical reasoning than I would be by my ignorance about the location of a particular country).

It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to change your stance on something as you have gained more wisdom and experience. When we admit we’re wrong, we’re making space to learn how to do better. How to be better. When we hold too tightly to the need to be right, we’re ultimately holding ourselves back from being the best we can be.

 

You can be right or you can be married.

This phrase is often used to imply that in order to remain married, you have to constantly bite your tongue. But that’s no recipe for a happy marriage. When you hold back on saying the important things, resentment and distance grows.

Instead, what we can take from the phrase is this – there are things that are more important to a marriage than being right.

It is more important to act as a team.

It is more important to listen teach other with an open mind.

It is more important to treat each other with respect, even when you disagree.

It is more important to focus on the shared goals than the details.

And if it’s important to you to stay married, sometimes you’re going to have to let go of being right.

 

The (Unspoken) Truth About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When asked about the state of their union, people often feel like they have to defer to one of two responses:

“It’s all good,” or, “It’s over.”

Yet the reality is that most marriages spend much of their time between these two extremes. Where some things are good, some areas are taut with tension and loving thoughts are interspersed with feelings of frustration or even disengagement. And by neglecting to talk about the reality of marriage, we leave those in completely-normal-and-not-always-ideal marriages feeling unsure and isolated.

 

Even the best marriages have bad days.

Or weeks. Even months. Whether from external pressures or changes prompted by internal struggles, there will be times when things are not good. There may be spans of silence, a lingering sense of tension in the air after a difficult conversation or nights spent lonely in separate beds.

When these bad days occur, it can be easy to catastrophize. To assume that a bad day indicates a bad marriage and that this is a sign that the end is near. One partner may be more prone towards panicking, attempting to grasp on in a desperate attempt to stop the imagined slide downhill. This often has the opposite effect, as the one who is latched upon feels increasingly trapped and becomes desperate for escape.

Some bad days pass on their own, especially if their cause is largely centered outside the marriage. Others are a cry for help, a sign that the marriage needs some attention and perhaps modification. And others are just part of the natural ebb and flow of life, expansion followed by contraction. This is one of the reasons that the first year of marriage is often deemed to be one of the most challenging – it follows after the excitement of wedding planning and establishing the relationship. The day-to-day of normal marriage simply can’t live up to that level of expectation.

 

Even the closest couples need time apart.

In the beginning of a relationship, the excitement and novelty leave you counting the minutes until you can be with your newfound love again. It seems impossible that there will ever be a day where you look forward to a trip that takes them out of the home for a few days. But it will happen.

I hear whispered confessions from friends, deeming me a safe receptacle for their secrets, admit to feeling guilty when they let out a little cheer when their spouse pulls out the driveway for a few days of absence. “That’s totally normal,” I reassure them and the relief is palpable.

Too much of anything – or anyone – can easily become too much. With overexposure, appreciation is easily replaced by irritation and small problems begin to accumulate. I like to relate it to ice cream. The stuff is amazing. You maybe even want some every day. But if you have a gallon of it in one sitting, your body is going to rebel. That doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or the refreshing treat; it simply means that you need a break before you can enjoy it again.

 

Even the most compatible couples can struggle to find connection.

When my now-husband and I were first dating, we lived across town from each other. And in the Atlanta metro area, that’s quite the commute. Since we couldn’t see each other more than once or twice a week, we would spend evenings on the phone, chattering on about anything and everything.

It was easy to find things to talk about – not only did we live our days in largely separate worlds, we were still in the process of learning about the other person. Now, eight years later and sharing the same bedroom on most nights, we can go days without a meaningful conversation. The reasons are multifold. Our lives are more overlapping so there is less to share about the day-to-day. At this point, we’ve divulged and discussed our pasts, our passions and our perspectives and since we’re not yet old enough to be forgetful, there simply isn’t a need to cover the same material again. And we’re busy. The activities that were pushed to the side in those early months of the relationship have again found their place, leaving us with little time to connect during an average week.

As a result, there are times when we can feel disconnected. Like we’re crawling in bed with a virtual stranger, who both knows everything about us and yet we have nothing to talk about. And then, we carve out some time to do something new together, even if it’s as simple as dinner at an untried restaurant. The new environment inevitably sends a current through the relationship, reigniting the spark of connection.

 

Even the most agreeable people will have differences of opinion. 

I love my husband, but there are times I think he must be a visitor from another planet. After all, surely no reasonable adult human could actually think that??? In my first marriage, I let those differences of opinion bother me. I would either take it personally (seeing an attack on my viewpoint as an attack on me), allow my mind to be changed or feel threatened by the disparate stances.

It no longer bothers me so much (Unless it’s about school; I get pretty sensitive when people who are not in the academic sphere try to tell me about modern-day school issues.) when we have opposing viewpoints. In fact, I’m more likely to find it interesting (Why do you think that way?) or humorous than threatening. I have learned that it is possible to both love and support someone even while disagreeing with them.

There are some things that are so important that dissent is a sign of trouble, but for most everything else, a difference of opinion is simply a sign that you are two different people. And that’s a good thing.

 

Even the strongest marriages have periods of renegotiation and transition.

There is an immense about of negotiation and compromise that occurs when a relationship first becomes serious. The amount of togetherness is determined, acceptable interactions with the opposite sex are established and relationship patterns are initiated. That period is widely accepted as a precarious one. Some relationships emerge on the other side, stronger and established, while others fail to effectively negotiate a path.

What is less discussed are the inevitable transitions that occur throughout a marriage. As children come and go, job responsibilities shift and health crises seemingly come out of nowhere, the established roles and routines may longer be appropriate. And because we’re creatures of habit and we universally fear loss, these renegotiations are often even more difficult than the initial shift into commitment.

These times of transition are stressful and we often struggle to find the words to describe them adequately. We are uncomfortable with change and with making space for the unknown, especially when our most intimate relationship is threatened. Yet those same uncertain times that scare us also provide us with the most opportunity for growth.

 

Even the most reasonable parters will sometime respond irrationally. 

I am normally a very rational, even analytical, woman. Unless I’m poised at the top of a hill. At which point, I turn into a blubbering child. My husband knows this about me, and so he lovingly becomes extra-patient with me in those moments. My thoughts on a hilltop are not rational, but they are real. At least to me and in that moment.

Most people aren’t as afraid of downhills as I am (thank goodness, or whole industries would be wiped out), but we all have our particular triggers that cause us to behave irrationally and emotionally. And when you’re married to that overreacting person, it’s hard to suppress the urge to declare, “Just what in the hell is wrong with you?” and to respond instead with a combination of compassion and encouragement.

And here’s the hard part – unless we share the same emotional triggers as someone else, it is difficult (if not impossible) to understand where that person is coming from. And when that person is your spouse, that is a frustrating pill to swallow.

 

Even the most loving unions will have times where love is dormant. 

Love is more about action than feeling. There will be times when you don’t feel an overwhelming sense of love or affection for your partner. Some days, irritation and annoyance speak so loudly that they drown out the soft utterances of fondness. The love isn’t gone, but it’s quiet.

It’s important how couples respond to each other in these difficult times. There can be respect even without understanding. Kindness even in the absence of fondness. Tolerance when cooperation is lacking. And above all, a willingness to listen for the sleeping love and the patience to wait for it to stir once again.

 

Related:

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

A Growth Mindset in Marriage

A Facebook Marriage: Keep the Smile On Or Else

 

 

 

The Biggest Mistake I Made in My First Marriage: The Argument For Arguing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex-husband and I never argued.

We never disagreed on where to go to dinner. We didn’t fight about what color to paint the kitchen. There were no quarrels over where to go on vacation. We didn’t even engage in debate over politics or religion.

We either agreed about everything or made the decision to acquiesce (often made without any conscious participation) in order to avoid any conflict.

I thought this was a sign of a good marriage, an indication of a well-matched pair. I would listen to my friends detail their frustrations with their partner’s dissenting viewpoints and breathe an internal sigh of relief that I didn’t have that predicament.

And then he left.

Without an argument. Without confrontation. Without a spoken word.

He simply stated his plans via text and pulled out of the garage and out of my life forever.

And I had the strangest feeling. For the first time in my life, I wanted a fight.

 

When I chose my second husband, one of the traits that drew me to him was his comfort with conflict. Not only did I want that in a partner, I wanted someone that could help me become better at acknowledging and addressing points of contention.

It hasn’t been easy to go from never arguing to becoming comfortable (or at least not feel threatened) with disagreement. Yet, even as I’m learning, I’ve come to appreciate the value of marital discord.

 

Promotes an Environment of Honesty and Transparency

I walked into the house and saw a Kindle box on the kitchen island. This was in 2008, when the devices were still far from cheap. And our coffers were far from full. Surprised at the purchase, I turned to my husband. He began to lay out his (rehearsed) justification for the acquisition (something about travel and book prices… never mind the fact that he never visited the public library two miles down the street).

I didn’t buy his reasoning. The device seemed frivolous and indulgent and, in light of the fact that we had just dropped major money on the house, stupid.

But in the interest of marital harmony, I bit my tongue, swallowed my words and allowed a silent agreement. Which according to the financial records I recovered after the divorce, he perceived as an invitation to continue to spend recklessly and secretively.

When arguments are allowed, it’s harder for the truth to remain tucked away in clandestine omissions and calculated lies. An environment where dissenting opinions are routinely shared encourages transparency and honesty, both healthy qualities in a marriage.

 

Allows Practice Having the Difficult Conversations

I really didn’t like mums. Yet when he professed his affinity for the autumnal blooms, I readily agreed with his assessment. It was stupid of me, pointless even.

Everyday disagreements provide opportunities to listen to dissenting opinions without feeling personally attacked or threatened. The low-stakes arguments become a practice ring, where the delicate footwork of negotiation and compromise can be practiced and improved upon.

Because at some point, in every relationship, there will be a major disagreement. The kind that potentially alters how you view the person and may even threaten the very core of the relationship. And you don’t want to go into that fight as a rookie.

 

Provides an Opportunity For You to See Your Partner at Their Worst 

We often choose to form a relationship with someone because of how they are when they’re at their best. But a clear picture of their character won’t emerge until they are stressed, emotional and maybe even responding to a verbal barrage.

In other words, people show you who they really are when you’re in a heated disagreement with them.

This is an opportunity to see how they respond when the going gets tough. Do they accept responsibility or deflect it? Do they easily admit mistakes or lob attacks in defense? Can they maintain control of themselves? Are they able to find humor amongst the tension? Do they retreat and if so, is it temporary or long-lasting? Once you’ve seen the worst, you know what you’re accepting with your vows.

 

Encourages You to Recognize Your Partner as an Independent Entity

When you’ve been together for a long time, the edges can become a bit blurred. As you share experiences, your opinions and views have a tendency to become more similar. But no matter how like-minded you are, your spouse is an individual with his or her own perspectives, beliefs and conclusions. And an argument is a great time to be reminded of that.

One of the cruel truths about marriage is that we are excited by and attracted to novelty. And there’s not much opportunity for the unfamiliar in a long-term relationship. Yet when you hear your partner say something surprising (and in opposition to your stance), it allows you to see them in a new light.

 

 

Presents Opportunities for Problem-Solving and Early Intervention

My favorite arguments are the ones that end in my husband and I working together to problem-solve a solution. We may have started on opposing sides, but we transition to working as a team to defeat the issue (instead of trying to defeat the other person).

Disagreements act as flashlights, shining light on the problems that potentially threaten the relationship. When these issues are brought into conscious awareness, they can be addressed and potentially resolved before they grow too big to root out completely.

 

Serves as a Reminder For You to Own Your Stuff

It usually takes me some time to recalibrate after an argument. Some of this stems from my residual anxiety about abandonment (if my ex left without a fight, what does a fight mean?) and some is just from my overly sensitive and analytical nature (if I take this disagreement and crosscheck it with what happened four years ago…). And none of this has anything at all to do with my now-husband.

Disagreements are a (sometimes painful) reminder that we are responsible for our emotions, our own reactions and ultimately, our own well-being. At the end of the day, all that stuff that’s in your brain is yours. So own it.

 

And while we’re on the subject of arguments, here’s some pointers on how to fight fairly with your spouse.