Escape Valves

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I couldn’t help it. Giggles burst from my lips like foam spilling out of an over-filled latte.

I had been taking my Yin yoga class seriously up until the point where the instructor, usually calm and serious, mentioned the human nature of moving away from the stretch. I inwardly groaned at the first escape from the discomfort she mentioned – leaning the body over to the right to release some of the tension on the psoas – as I shifted my own weight back to the left to fully face the stretch. But then I had to laugh as she continued to mention two other common ways that practitioners lessen the intensity.

And I was doing both of them.

She described this human tendency to avoid discomfort as seeking an escape valve. A way to reduce the pressure and lower the harshness of an experience.

And it really is universal, isn’t it. We try to avoid pain or even unease on the yoga mat. In relationships.

And even in our own minds.

It makes sense. At a basic level, we are programmed to avoid pain in order to protect the body and stay away from dangerous objects and situations. Pain is an important sensation. It tells us to remove our hand from the hot stove or to stay off a broken ankle so as not to cause further damage. Relational pain sometimes informs us that we are in an unhealthy or even dangerous environment and provides the encouragement to leave. Internal pain flares when we neglect our own innate sense of right and wrong and serves as a wake-up call.

Those pains are intense. And the message they send is a critical one – stop what you’re doing now or you will only make it worse.

But often we confuse pain with discomfort. It makes sense to seek to avoid pain.

Yet it frequently it makes sense to embrace discomfort.

On my yoga mat this morning, my breath hitched as I leaned into the stress, shutting off the escape valves. If asked, I would have replied in that moment that I was in pain.

But I really wasn’t. In fact, as I breathed into the psoas and relaxed the surrounding muscles, the position lost its intensity and I was even interested in exploring the pose further. By facing the discomfort, I was able to reduce the discomfort.

Without the instructor’s prompting, I would never have faced the initial discomfort. Unconsciously avoiding even the merest suggestion of pain. And as a result, I would have unwittingly nurtured that area of tightness, allowing it to grow unrestrained.

It doesn’t feel good to feel uncomfortable. But that’s often exactly where we need to be.

———————-

I see the use of escape valves all the time in people facing the end of a relationship –

They decide that they should be over it by now and push it out of their conscious mind. Yet no matter how much you push it down, it always resurfaces until the lessons are released.

They try not to think about their ex or the end because doing so creates pain. Yet trying to avoid the thoughts only makes the thoughts grow more powerful. If they are addressed as they arise, they fail to grow.

They look to distractions to escape the inevitable pain of the end of a relationship. Yet the distractions only work for a time and the pain is patient.

They downplay the impact of the end on their well-being, pretending that it really doesn’t bother them. Only their acting out in other ways belies their assertion.

——————–

The pain at the end of a relationship is more the discomfort from the yoga mat than the agony of a hand on a hot stove. If you face it and work with it, it will begin to release.

Opening an escape valve feels good in the moment. And sometimes, when the pressure is too great to bear, it may be needed. But if you find that you constantly need escape valves, maybe it makes more sense to repair the basic system.

(Note: There is a very important distinction between ruminating and processing. Ruminating would be like taking the yoga pose just to the edge of the pain and then tensing up, holding the breath and staying in pain. Not fun and also not going to get you anywhere. Processing is more like moving through the pain: understanding, exploring, softening, opening and finally releasing.)

18 Steps to Financial Independence During and After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
financial independence

It is not uncommon for divorce to initiate a financial crisis. The process itself is expensive. There are real and often high costs associated with splitting a life and creating two households. Health expenses may increase along with your (and possibly your children’s) stress levels. And that’s all assuming that your ex didn’t play dirty with money (as mine most certainly did).

Now that I’m on the other side of my own financial crisis initiated by financial infidelity and exacerbated by the legal process, I thought I’d share with you the specific steps and strategies that worked for me. Some may be pretty common sense, but others may be new to you. Please keep in mind that I am not a legal or financial expert and that the laws vary from state to state. Use these as a starting point as you take the steps back to your own financial independence.

Play By the Rules

This is not always easy to do, especially if your ex is determined to ignore or break every law out there. But it’s important. If you get caught violating the financial guidelines that are set by your state during separation and legal proceedings, you will only serve to compound your problems.

That being said, take the time to learn what is not allowed so that you can manipulate what is permissible. For example, I was not allowed to close any accounts or remove his name from accounts (Including as beneficiary; I was so afraid I would die during the process and he would end up with my retirement and life insurance. Ugh.) However, I was allowed to open up new accounts as long as I did not attempt to hide them (the funds were still considered “marital property,” he just didn’t have direct access). So I immediately opened up new checking and savings accounts and made sure my directly deposited paycheck went directly to me.

Accept Help (If It’s Available)

This is not a time for pride. If you are lucky enough to have friends or family that are able and offer to help, accept it. If you qualify for reduced fee attorney support, take it. If you can locate a counselor that operates on a sliding scale, be honest about your ability to pay. And when a friend offers to take you to lunch or out for drinks, just say “thank you” and worry about evening the score later.

Consider bartering for expenses such as babysitting or car repair. Reach out to your network and explore the opportunities. Be open, honest and creative. You may be surprised at where you’ll find help.

Create An Evolving Budget

Obviously, your budget is now different from when you were living as a married couple. And it will continue to change as the divorce process proceeds. Start your new budget by identifying your more permanent requirements: housing, food, childcare, etc. Then, add in your temporary necessities: attorney and court fees, mediation expenses, counseling, etc. Next, consider areas that may not be a requirement, but that carry great value for you, such as monies set aside to redecorate your space to make it feel safe and inviting.

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Revisit the budget frequently in the beginning (at least every couple months). As some of the temporary expenses come and go, it’s important to keep an eye on the big picture and a handle on where the money is going.

Prioritize Free and Cheap Self-Care

It’s easy for anyone, but especially parents, to neglect their health and well-being during divorce. Self-care, particularly during a stressful transition, is critical. You can’t take care of your children if you don’t take care of yourself.

Look up yoga and exercise videos on YouTube. Explore your local parks. Get to know the vendors at the farmer’s market and learn about specials. Find a free meditation class in your city. Check out music and movies for free through your library and cancel the Netflix subscription. Check out Meetup.com for free and inexpensive outings and activities.

Plan For Indulgences

Too much of a sacrificial mindset often backfires (learn how). To counteract that, carefully plan for meaningful indulgences. When money is limited, make sure you invest in the ones that provide the most value for you in that moment. And be aware that these may change over time.

In the first few months, I treated myself to a massage every two months. The non-sexual touch was healing and calming for my frazzled body and mind. Later, I invested in an annual pass for the local botanical gardens, a temporary replacement for my own plants that were left behind in my old life. I always made sure to have a small, regular smile on the horizon to remind me that the situation was temporary.

Adjust Accounts As Needed

Once the divorce is final, you will probably receive the green light to make changes to any accounts that remain in your possession. Revisit beneficiary designations on insurance and retirement accounts. And then verify that requested changes are made (It took the company that holds my smaller retirement account 2 years to finally process the removal of my ex!). Take your decree to the tag office to have your car title transferred into your name. Divorce is a qualifying event for health insurance and decide if you need to remove your ex from your policy. Look at your auto insurance policy and make any needed adjustments.

If your name is changing, make sure to update it on critical documents – driver’s license, passport, etc. Be aware that a discrepancy in name can be a hassle (I’m looking at you, PayPal) and it’s helpful to change it all at once.

10 Struggles Anyone Who Has Been Divorced Will Understand

Create Income

Whether you have always maintained a career or you were a stay-at-home parent, after the legal process is finished is a great time to explore added sources of income. Start by looking to see if there are items from your married life that you wish to sell. There’s nothing like the satisfaction of unloading a cheating ex’s jewelry and walking away with cash:)

Consider if you have any skills or knowledge that can create a passive income stream for you. Don’t worry if it’s just a trickle at first. Every little bit helps you get back on your feet.

Strive For Independence

Perhaps you were awarded alimony or child support from your ex. Or, he or she is expected to pay a certain amount towards attorney fees or to help you get started on your own. And maybe you’ll see all of those payments.

But maybe you won’t.

Child support is the one area where the law is really on your side. But even then, you cannot depend upon the money. Especially when the courts end up locking up a parent for non-payment, thus giving them no way to earn the money in arrears. And outside of child support (and in some states, alimony), you are often on your own dime to try to force payments.

So strive to find financial footing that is separate from your ex. It may not always be possible, but it’s a good goal to have.

Counteract Anger and Fear

Money is never just about money. You may find your anger flare as you face bills and hardships that feel unfair and unplanned for. You may face sleepless nights as you worry about dwindling checking accounts and ever-growing debts.

Temper your anger with gratitude. I kept a gratitude list by my computer and I added one element to it every time I had to pay a bill resulting from his debt. It was a good reminder that the financial infidelity may have been awful, but that my present life was not.

Tame your fears with mindfulness. We often worry ourselves into a rut, one “worst thing possible” following the next. If your money fears are taking over, check out my coaching course on how to thrive after divorce; I give many strategies for working with fear and anxiety. And remember, self-care is critical!

Know Your Taxes

Even if you’re used to doing your own taxes, you may want to call in the professionals for a couple years until everything is straightened out. The rules about who gets what deductions and who claims what income can get muddled. And that’s on top of a system that is already confusing.

If you were the victim of financial infidelity (AKA marital fraud) or otherwise were unaware of what had been filed and monies are owed, you may qualify for Innocent Spouse Relief. You can read more about the program and its requirements here.

Understand Your Student Loan Options

If you currently have student loan debt and you are having trouble paying your bills, look into your options. I was pleasantly surprised when I contacted my provider. They didn’t make me feel ashamed for my situation (unlike all of the other accounts I had to deal with) and they gave me several options to choose from.

Student loan debt isn’t something to mess with; the consequences for non-payment can be severe. For example, in Georgia, teachers face losing their certification if they are in default on their student loans. So know your options and make sure you stay current with your choice.

Face Your Credit Score

Divorce can do a number on your credit. As in, make the number much, much smaller seemingly overnight.

I have to admit, this is one I didn’t do so well on myself for a few years. In the very beginning, I simply couldn’t stomach it at all. I had my dad scan the reports and, keeping the actual numbers from me, verify what accounts were reported. And then I swiftly inserted my head in the sand for the next few years as I worked to improve the score. Here’s what happened when I finally looked at it.

I strongly suggest using the app Credit Karma to keep up with your credit score. It’s free and easy. And, in those days when simply peeking at the number could cause my blood pressure to rise, I found its friendly layout and welcoming colors calming.

Actively Build Your Credit

So now you know where you stand. That’s a good start.

Now, work to improve your standing. The basic credit-building advice follows here – Pay your bills on time. When you can, open a new credit card if (and this is the critical part!) you can make sure you pay it off every month. Also watch the balance even if you do pay it off. If it’s too high at the time it’s reported, it will lower your rating. Make sure that accounts are reported correctly and marked closed as you fulfill your obligations. And watch with bated breath for the magic 7-year mark when old negative marks are wiped away.

Consider Bankruptcy

I hated even letting that word into my vocabulary, but once I met with the bankruptcy attorney and discussed the options and consequences, I felt better. I ended up electing not to go this route after deciding that it was not best for me. But I was glad that I had at least considered it and explored the options.

If your debts are overwhelming you, take the time to learn the bankruptcy laws in your state. Gather the knowledge, consider your choices and then do what’s best for you.

Reevaluate Your Retirement

Many couples piece together their retirement in a yin and yang fashion, some accounts bringing more stability and others more risky, but with a higher potential yield. In divorce, you are definitely left with less retirement monies and you may also be left with an unbalanced plan.

Once the initial emotional and financial dust settles, examine your current retirement and make changes as needed. Obviously, the closer you are to retirement, the more important this is. Especially if it extends your plans for full-time employment (If you’re in this position, I am so sorry. It’s one of the hardest parts of “grey divorce.”).

Keep Your Divorce Decree Handy

No, really. You’re going to need it. Whether it’s for changing your name on the account, eliminating your ex’s name from a title or providing some ammunition when you try to secure a loan, that expensive packet of paper is indispensable. Also, be forewarned that many organizations require the original document with the court clerk’s seal. I suggest purchasing an extra copy while you’re at the courthouse just in case your original doesn’t make it back in the mail as promised (I had to send my original in to have my passport changed).

Make (and Celebrate Reaching) Small Goals

Rebuilding your credit and securing your financial independence takes time. It’s a big (and daunting) goal. So break it into smaller goals. Even as small as paying your phone bill on time each month.

And then celebrate those small successes. It’s amazing how much ground baby steps can cover as long as you keep moving!

10 Ways Divorce Makes You Better Than Before

Be Patient

It is going to take time. Don’t let it take over your life or your happiness in the meantime.

After all, in the end, it’s just money.

And your life (and the lives of your children), is priceless.

Putting It All Behind Me

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You know those times when you don’t realize you’re holding your breath until you finally get a deep lungful of air?

Well, apparently I haven’t been breathing for the past 6 years. Or actually for the past 6 years and 5 days, to be exact.

And I didn’t even realize it until today. Or more specifically, when I received the word that not only did I qualify for the car loan, I qualified for the lowest interest rate.

I can’t even begin to explain the relief that gives me.

Not only does a new (and hopefully more trustworthy car) give me freedom, the loan is a sign that I can finally put the financial betrayal behind me.

I’ve always said that the financial betrayal was the worst. It’s the one that refuses to disappear. That tails behind me as stubborn and persistent as a hungry toddler. Only much, much more nefarious.

I have been reminded of it every time I’ve had to make payments on debts he incurred (for things like HIS honeymoon). It’s been thrown in my face with letters and phone calls from collections, threatening me because of his lies. And it’s held me back as I’ve worked to improve my credit score.

It’s been a load of shame on my back for the past 6 years.

I’ve felt embarrassed every time my financial situation has to be exposed. I instinctively pull out my divorce decree, ready to defend myself against the stains still on my record. I’m not sure what’s worse – the feeling that others might think I was responsible for the debt or the knowledge that I was a chump, blindly ignorant to my ex’s machinations.

I’ve been uncomfortable with my car – easily the oldest in the parking lot at work and probably also the senior in my neighborhood – for a few years. I don’t like to let people into the vehicle, where the orange foam spilling out of the cracked seats will tickle their sides. I like to arrive to the location where I will meet a new person before them, so that I am not associated with the rapidly aging vehicle. Because even though I’m not one to give much credence to appearances, I know that others are judging me by my ride.

It’s been a flame of anger for the past 6 years.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair that he stole my money and my credit and escaped unharmed as far as I know. It’s not fair that all of the careful planning and saving that I did was wiped out for his impulsive and deceptive actions. It’s not fair that he was granted the newer and more valuable car (that was almost paid off) by the courts and I received the ten year old model.

I’m angry at myself. For believing what my ex told me and not looking for myself. For trusting that he cared as much about my financial well-being as he did his own. For being stupid and gullible and naive.

And I’m reminded of this anger every time I grow frustrated with my car or see his impact still imprinted on my credit. I’ve had to very intentional and generous with gratitude to counteract the scalding impact of his actions. And that’s not fair either.

It’s been a cloak of fear around my heart for the past 6 years.

In the beginning, I couldn’t even bear to see the extent of the damage. I narrowed my eyes when I looked at account balances, blurring the total as though that would somehow soften its effect. I had my dad examine my credit report after promising that he would not reveal the actual score to me. I was afraid to face the evidence that he had been whittling away at my well-being for years.

Every trip to the mailbox and every unknown number on my phone caused my pulse to rise as I braced for news of another account or threats on a known one. Even as parceled out paychecks to pay down the debt, I was petrified that another would surface and my careful accounting wouldn’t be enough to save me.

I finally faced my credit score for the first time since the life implosion two years ago. Ever since, I obsessively check Credit Karma every day. And I’ve watched the number rise as my identity is slowly replacing that of my ex on the accounts.

But I haven’t really trusted the number. It felt fake, somehow.

And so, when I nervously entered my information on the credit application for the car, I was sure that I would be declined. Or at least offered some sub par rate. And when the phone rang mere moments after I hit “submit,” I saw it as verification that my fears were founded.

“Everything looks good,” I heard faintly, as though it was coming through a tunnel.

It was only after I hung up that I realized I had collapsed onto the floor, relief buckling my knees beneath me.

Because it’s about way more than the money. Or the car.

I can finally feel like this is all behind me. Like I am no longer held back or limited by any of what happened.

And for the first time in 6 years and 5 days, I can finally breath freely.

The Perils of Magical Thinking

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My mom recently attended a conference on emotional manipulators that addressed how to recognize them and how to help their victims recover. Knowing that the topic hit close to home for me, she shared some of the conference literature. As with everything I read about pathological characteristics, some of the points fit my ex like a glove whereas other descriptions fit him as well as two-year-old’s shoe.

But there was one section in particular that resonated, igniting understanding in the dark recesses of my mind – the role of magical thinking in emotional manipulators and in their partners.

I immediately identified several shamanistic thoughts that we both possessed in the latter years of the marriage. I only learned of his magical thoughts in the texts and email he exchanged with my mother after he left. I only became aware of my own thoughts after I obtained some distance and perspective from the end of the marriage.

Because that’s the thing about magical thinking – you don’t realize it’s an illusion until you’ve left the theater.

His Magical Thinking

I’ll Pay It Off

Although he never shed light on what caused the financial problems, he did reveal what his thoughts were about it over the years. Even as the debts continued to grow, he remained convinced that a bonus or a raise or some other financial windfall was just around the corner. And that if he only waited patiently enough, he would be able to pay it all off without my ever learning of the debt. Perhaps this was a rational thought in the beginning. But by the end? It would have required a winning lottery ticket.

This Is the Last Time

Accompanying the thought that a single check would put us back in the black was his belief that he had control of his behavior and that each time would be the last. He only admitted to this thought in regards to spending, but I would wager that it extended to his drinking, his affairs and possibly even the numerous lies and deceptions. This conviction that he could stop at any time (along with the evidence to the contrary) put him on a runaway train towards self-destruction.

The Impact Is Limited

His magical thoughts completely insulated him from the impact of his actions. He typed that I would “bounce back” in the letter he used to exit stage left. He announced in an email to my mom that he hoped she could meet his new wife and that she would just love his new bride. He seemed unaware of the fact that leaving me with no funds left me with no ability to care for our dogs. In his thoughts, he was throwing feathers rather than stones, leaving no ripples.

 

My Magical Thinking

I Can’t Live Without Him

He came into my life at a time when I felt alone. My relationship with my father, who lived across the country, was strained. I had lost a few friends to death and others to teenage transitions. He stepped in and propped me up in those moments when I wasn’t able to do it alone. At least I thought I couldn’t do it alone. And as the years went by and our connection grew, I could not imagine life without him.

There Is Safety in Years

I believed that because I knew his high school friends, stood by as he put on his last few inches of height and layered pounds on his scrawny boy-body and explored his childhood mementos with his mother, that I knew him. That there was no part of his personality or character that I was unaware of. I saw the years as a type of insurance. As though years in the past guaranteed years in the future.

If I Give Everything, I Will Not Be Left

This is another one anchored in childhood. I developed a fear of abandonment and somehow nurtured the thinking that if I gave everything, was the “perfect” wife, that I was safe from being discarded. As a result, I avoided conflict and refrained from pushing too hard or questioning too much. I gave, often not out of love, but out of fear. And martyrdom isn’t good for anybody involved.

Magical thinking is a form of self deception, stories we tell ourselves to avoid truths we would rather avoid and to create a sense of control in a life rife with insecurity. And once you understand that it is illusion, you can start see the mirrors unclouded by the smoke.

The “F It” Point

Posted on by stilllearning2b
f it

I’m not sure the exact moment I reached the “F it” point with my car, but I can easily identify the factors that contributed to the mindset.

I think it started with the broken trunk that refused to open without a complicated and tedious routine that involved simultaneously twisting a key, wiggling a latch and saying a prayer. I would only engage in the routine on those rare occasions when I needed to carry some large object that couldn’t be fed through the doors (okay, or when I “needed” to carry an insanely large amount of plants). It simply became too difficult to open the trunk to clean out errant receipts and other detritus that seems to accumulate in a car.

And then the leather seats (that elicited a disappointed “Oh, Lisa” from my mother upon hearing about my new purchase) started to crack at the point where the seat belt cuts into their previously-oiled hides. And once the orange foam guts started to spill, it seemed superfluous to condition the remaining leather.

The “F it” attitude intensified as my life disintegrated. The car and I were both jettisoned from our safe and secure life, leaving its metal frame exposed to the elements instead of protected in a garage. As the silver skin gained dimples from the repeated assaults launched by storms and the paint faded under the glaring intensity of the sun, I grew to care less about cleaning the exterior.

I realized recently how complete this attitude has become when my neighbor backed into my car, displacing and cracking the bumper, and I honestly replied “Don’t worry about it” when he came to my door to confess.

I knew it was time to break down and buy a new car once the “F it” attitude extended to the mechanical systems. When the needle indicated an overheating engine a few weeks ago, I found it difficult to summon even the small amount of energy and money needed to replace the malfunctioning thermostat.

Today, I’m working on cleaning out and cleaning up my car in preparation to sell it. It’s strange. The motions bring back memories of carefully maintaining the car for the first ten years of its life. Even though I no longer care, I remember when I cared very much. I just can’t summon that feeling any more.

Because that’s the thing with “F it” points. Once they’ve been reached, there is no turning back.

And the only thing you can do is walk away.