The Value of Taking a Rebuilding Year

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I am a Braves fan.

It’s a tough year to be a Braves fan.

The manager has been fired. The players have been traded. And traded again. And the overall team is green. Showing potential, but held down by inexperience.

And all of that is intentional.

A couple years ago, the team was strong, but aging. Several key players retired or moved on. With a new stadium on the horizon in 2017, those in charge elected to invest in young players with promise with the intention of spending a couple years rebuilding the team into something hopefully even better.

The fans get it.

They know that it’s a period of trial and error to capitalize on what works and discard what doesn’t. They accept that there will be some flexibility of identity as the team works to find its cohesion and purpose again. They are understanding about the mistakes and patient with the learning curve.

And most importantly, the fans focus on celebrating the victories rather than cursing the losses while trusting in the process and believing that greatness is around the corner.

There’s a freedom that comes with a rebuilding year. Opportunity to explore without fear of disrupting the status quo. There may not yet be victories, but the early seeds of success are growing just beneath the surface.

Teams aren’t the only ones that sometimes need to take a rebuilding year.

Sometimes life throws us curveballs that wipe out all of our experience. That leave us green and uncertain as the defeats pile up and threaten to bury any hope of success.

It’s easy to compare that new state with the former one and grow frustrated at the perceived decline.

But what if, instead of seeing it as a demotion, you embraced it as an opportunity to learn? To try on and adapt? To discard expectations and use small victories as motivation? To be gentle with yourself about the outcomes but firm with yourself about the importance of always trying again?

It’s not the beginning of the end.

It’s the beginning of the beginning.

Your very own rebuilding year.

What can you do now to help make your next season a winning one?

 

Related: Starting Over

 

Anger Isn’t the Only Emotion to be Managed: 9 Ways to Tame Your Feelings

Posted on by stilllearning2b
manage emotions

When I was a kid, I used to have tantrums.

And not just any tantrums.

The on the ground, store-clearing, face-purpling variety.

And I had them a bit longer than was considered to be developmentally appropriate.

Sorry, mom and dad.

I can still remember the feeling. It was like a bucket of fizzy emotion had just been poured into a shot glass, overwhelming me with its intensity and confusion and frustrating me with my inability to make sense of what I was feeling and to communicate it to others.

And it was the latter that prompted the tantrums, that external display of anger that actually came from anger at myself and my struggle to reign in my other emotions.

If I had still been engaging in these external displays of excess emotion once I reached school age, I would have been referred for anger management classes.

When really what I could have used was emotion management classes.

But for some reason, anger seems to be the only emotion we feel has to be managed.

When the reality is that part of being a healthy, functioning adult is managing your emotions. ALL of them.

I went from that over-emotional mess of a kid to a much more controlled young adult. In fact, my mom even accused me on occasion of not feeling. But that wasn’t the case. After experiencing the potentially overwhelming nature of emotions, I was afraid to give them the floor. So as much as possible, I turned the analytical brain on and shut the emotional one off. Or at least turned the dial down low and ran them through a rational filter, which seemed to serve me fine.

And then the divorce happened.

And my analytical side went on the fritz and once again I had the sensation I was drowning in emotions.

I thought about throwing myself on the floor of my classroom and crying until my shrieks ran my students out of the room and my tears dried me out.

But I realized that I still needed my paycheck. And besides, I really didn’t want my face on a middle school carpet. Yuck!

My first step towards emotional management was basic; I divided areas in my life into two categories – safe to cry and keep those tears in, lady!

And for the most part, I succeeded. As long as you didn’t look too closely at the sweat pouring down my face while I was on the treadmill:)

But that wasn’t enough. I was dealing with emotions on a grand scale and I even if I wanted to wrangle them back in, they were flat-out refusing. The following are the nine  ways I learned to manage my emotions while sill acknowledging my emotions.

1 – Set boundaries.

Much like I did with my refusal to cry at work, create some hard lines in the sand where you are going to keep it together. Your brain is trainable; teach it when to think and when to feel. And don’t fall into the trap I did for a while – you can’t set your entire life as a “don’t feel” zone! You need some times and places where you feel safe crying and some times and places where you feel safe that you won’t cry.

 

2 – Be aware of triggers and do what you can to mitigate them.

Know thyself. Pat attention to your patterns. If you understand the antecedent, you will be better prepared for the reaction. Taken a step further, you may find that it’s easier to get a handle on things before your emotions spill over than after.

Are you irritable because you feel stifled? Get out and move. Are you feeling brittle and overwhelmed? You probably need sleep or, at the very least, rest. Do you find that you’re more prone to emotional wash-outs when hormones are peaking? Learn to ride easy at that time. Do certain calendar dates hold sway over you? Give yourself permission to grieve on that day and schedule a smile for the following.

 

3 – Breathe through the emotions.

The first thing our bodies do when we’re flooded with emotion is to stop breathing. The instinct when we’re trying to hold in all together is to hold it all in, including the breath. It’s a strange adaptation, like the body is summoning its reserves to attempt some great feat or is grasping onto its last breath out of fear that it will indeed be the last.

Learn to breathe deeply and slowly while you’re feeling the emotions. It’s a sign to your brain that emotion is nothing to fear, you don’t have to fight it or flee from it. Breathe it out and ride it out.

And while your at it, express some gratitude too. It’s pretty powerful stuff.

 

4 – Acknowledge emotions and name them without judgment.

With some of the autistic kids I’ve worked with, the teachers used an emotion board, a study page with simple illustrated faces displaying a variety of emotions. Those kids didn’t have the language to describe how they were feeling, so they were taught to simply point at the image that captured their emotions.

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I know I have a tendency to get too complex when I try to pinpoint my own emotions. I explain certain things away, outright dismiss others and try to make connections and interpretations. And then I stop and think of those kids and the elegance of selecting one image.

It’s amazing the power that naming an emotion can have. By acknowledging, “I feel sad right now,” it provides a sense of awareness and control over the feelings. Keep it simple, pick one emoticon: happy sad, scared, frustrated, angry, anxious, tired, surprised, disgusted. Keep the statement neutral. You’re human; it’s okay to feel any of those things. And saying that you shouldn’t won’t make you not.

And note the “right now.” Those two words are important. They concede that you feel that way now, yet allow that you may feel differently later.

 

5 – Release excess emotion without indulging it.

I remember when the advice was to treat anger by screaming into a pillow or attempt to beat a punching bag into submission. Yet research disagrees with that approach. It seems as though when you scream or hit when angry, your brain then solidifies that connection, leaving you more prone to screaming or hitting when you’re angry.

I would suspect a similar mechanism is at play with the negative effect journaling has been found to have in some cases – if you’re feeling low and all you write about is your sadness, it’s indulging it, not managing it. Which is why I frequently recommend this journal strategy.

Some people release emotions through writing. Others, running. Some may knit. Some may sleep. And some may whip up a feast. Know your own soothers and have them ready.

And try to keep from indulging your excess emotion. It’s just feeding the beast and upping your drama set point.

 

6 – Be aware of the impact your emotion may have on others.

What you feel, you project, even if you never part your lips. And what you project will impact how others respond to you. Be aware of the impact your feelings have on those around you. Try to understand the cause and effect and if you don’t like the response, aim to change the call.

You may need to apologize for your actions, but never apologize for the way you feel. It’s appropriate to express regret for snapping at someone. It’s not okay to make it sound as though you’re not allowed to be irritated.

Above all, strive to be kind.  After all, we’re all in this thing called life together.

 

7 – Accept responsibility for your emotions.

“You made me feel that way!” Ever said that? Yeah, me too. But it’s not accurate.

Here’s a powerful idea – what is one identifying trait of an abuser? They lay the blame for their actions at the feet of their victim, “You made me hit you.” We know that’s not true. It’s a shifting of focus and a way to escape responsibility. So why is this any different?

Others are responsible for their words and their actions. You are responsible for your response, either emotional or actual. Yes, people will do some sh*tty things sometimes. And you have every right to be angry. You’re angry because your boundaries were crossed. Or your sense of fairness violated. Own your anger. When you try to make the other person responsible, you’re allowing your anger to own you.

 

8 – Listen to your emotions, but don’t believe everything they have to say.

Think of  an unruly toddler. When they scream, “I hate you!”, do you listen? Or do you recognize that they missed their nap and they’re overtired? And what are toddlers but walking, talking squishy balls of emotion?

We evolved as emotional beings for a reason; we are social creatures and depend upon connection to thrive. Emotions serve to bring us together and also to protect us from threats inside and outside the group.

And our emotions are smart. There’s a reason that we feel uneasy about certain situations before our thinking brain has had a chance to process any danger. When we ignore our emotions, we do so at our own peril.

Yet, if we listen to everything they say, we’re blindly following an uneducated leader. Just think about your body’s response at the top of a roller coaster. Your fear says, “I’m gonna die!” while, if you like a rush of adrenaline, your cognitive brain looks forward to the fun.

 

9 – Be compassionate towards yourself and kick your butt if you need it.

For a recent “get to know you” activity for my new school, we were asked to stand up in front of the group and reveal two truths and one lie about ourselves. The group was then supposed to call us out on our lie. I volunteered to go first and in my best loud and bubbly teacher voice, announced

I’m an extrovert.

I’m scared of going downhill.

I went skydiving last summer and I’m excited to go again in a few weeks.

All of those that knew me responded, “You’re not an extrovert!” While the strangers all assumed that somebody afraid of a hill would never voluntarily jump out of a plane, so one of those must be false. When the reality is that I refuse to let my fears (or any other emotions) limit me.

When I go skiing, I know that it’s harder for me than the others. So I congratulate myself for facing my fear instead of comparing myself to those that don’t share that anxiety.

There’s a balance between accepting where you are and always pushing yourself to be better. Basically, give yourself a hug and kick your own butt at the same time. And please post a video – I’d love to see that! 🙂

Emotions are feral and often require domestication to play nicely. Don’t ignore them and also don’t be afraid to tame them. With the right work, they make great companions.

And if you feel like you’re constantly drowning in emotion, get help. There’s no shame in it. 

Guest Post: How to End an Unhealthy Long-Distance Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

No matter how hard you try, sometimes it’s best to end a long-distance relationship. Whether you’re dating the type of guy who will just never succeed in a long-distance relationship or you’ve started to notice the telltale signs that that it’s an unhealthy relationship — your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries around texting, there is a lot of digital monitoring, you feel pressure to send explicit photos, they make excuses for their hurtful behavior — it might be time to end your LDR.

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And no surprise, ending a long-distance relationship is a little more difficult than ending a close-distance relationship. Because you aren’t together all the time, it can sometimes be too easy to put off having the difficult conversation. But if you just keep waiting, your feelings might turn from unhappiness to frustration, anger and resentment. Don’t let your feelings fester. Here are four ways to end an unhealthy long-distance relationship.

 

Understand Your Feelings

Before you communicate with your long-distance partner, you need to really understand why it’s time to break up. When I need to process information, I always find it helpful to make lists. Grab a notebook, and jot down all of the reasons that you’re unhappy in the relationship. Make sure you communicate that distance isn’t the only problem. What is your partner doing that makes you want to break up with them?

 

If any of those things change, would you be willing to reconsider? Instead of breaking up, should you actually be having a conversation about how to resolve your frustrations? If you are certain that this is what you want to do, don’t back down.

 

Consider Breaking Up in Person

One of the red flags in a long-distance relationship is that you aren’t making an effort to see each other anymore, so this might not be possible. If you do have plans to see each other soon, it’s usually best to break up in person. However, don’t save the breakup for a vacation or a long trip. The honeymoon feelings are more likely to resurface if you’re on a beach in paradise, and you might lose your resolve to do what you know is right. Instead, consider having the conversation in a neutral space, such as a city park.

 

When you initiate the conversation, just get it over with. Don’t sugarcoat it. Just say: “We need to talk. This relationship isn’t working for me, and I want to break up.” Be blunt while also being respectful. Then spell out the reasons why you’re ending the relationship. Keep your explanations simple, and try to avoid an argument. Remember, this isn’t a deal or suggestion. Stand firm in your intentions.

 

Once you’ve said your peace, let your partner speak theirs. This will probably be difficult emotionally for both of you. Once you both feel there is closure, part ways.

 

Schedule a Skype Call

If you can’t break up in person, don’t do it over text or email! Not only can this seem as cold and callous, but also it doesn’t allow either of you to freely express your emotions or get the closure you deserve. The next best thing is breaking up over video chat so they can read your body language. Tell your partner you need to talk, and schedule a time to touch base. “We need to talk” will probably tip them off that you’re going to have a serious conversation about the viability of your relationship.

 

Again, don’t belabor the point. Just get it over with: “I wish I could do this in person, but I need to say what I feel: This relationship isn’t working for me, and I want to break up.” Just like if you were able to do it in person, explain your reasons for ending the relationship, and give your partner time to process it. It might take a while, but it’s best to stay on the line as long as it takes for you both to reach closure. When there is nothing more to say, hang up.

 

Move On

Now, this is the one time distance might make things easier. You won’t be running into your ex at the grocery store or at a bar on a Friday night. However, even if it was an unhealthy relationship, you might still miss certain things about them or the way they made you feel (on a good day). But it’s important to set clear boundaries. You made it clear this wasn’t up for discussion, so don’t confuse your partner by contacting them or responding to them if they reach out to you.

 

It’s time to focus on you! Enjoy your newfound freedom. Hang out with friends you haven’t seen in awhile because you’ve been sitting in front of Skype every Saturday night. Find a new hobby. Attend local events. Get involved in your community. If you see the breakup as a chance to become a better person, it’ll be easier to move on.

 

Now, if one “your” songs comes on the radio or you watch a sappy movie that makes you miss being in love, don’t relapse! It can be hard, but you need to remind yourself why you broke up with him. In fact, I would consider keeping that list of reasons you make of why you wanted to break up. Anytime you have doubts, remind yourself why it was time to end your unhealthy LDR and recommit to yourself.

 

Ending any relationship, especially a long-distance relationship, is tough. But don’t hold onto something that’s not working. With this new space in your life, take some time for yourself. Reboot and renew. And who knows, when you least expect it, you might just find the right person for you.

 

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Jennifer Craig is a long­-distance relationship success story. She started SurviveLDR for women who want to survive and thrive in long-distance relationships. For more advice on how to make long-distance relationships work, follow her on Instagram, like her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter.

 

What Are Your Marriage Deal Breakers?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
dealbreaker

Brock asked me once if I would have given my first marriage a chance if my ex had come to me instead of disappearing.

“It depends,” was my response. By the time the end was imminent, there had been so many lies and so much betrayal that I don’t think we could have moved beyond it. But if had approached me earlier?

Maybe.

One of the reasons I married Brock was for his, “Hard work can fix anything” atittude. He’s not one to easily give up on anything. I like that. And for the most part, I share that attitude.

But I’ve also experienced enough to know that effort can’t fix everything. Especially if the effort is one-sided.

From Til Death Do You Part:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

There are certain dire situations where my reaction would be to immediately end a marriage instead of staying and working to fix it.

The following are my marriage deal breakers:

Reoccuring Infidelity or Infidelity Without Accepting Responsibility

I don’t believe that the occurance of infidelity should automatically result in a marital split. I have heard of so many cases where the crisis, once the underlying issues have been confronted and addressed, has made a couple closer in the end. Yet in order for the marriage to have a chance, the cheater has to take responsibility for their actions and make the necessary changes so that it doesn’t happen again.

It’s hard work. It’s messy work. And it’s work that has do be undertaken by both spouses. If the infidelity became a pattern or the responsibility was shrugged off, I would walk.

Violence

The need to feel physically safe is a basic one. And in a relationship, a physical reaction to a disagreement or frustration is never okay. I can’t imagine ever feeling safe again (much less acttracted to) somebody who had struck me.

Maybe it was a one-time thing. An overreaction while being emotionally consumed. But that’s not a chance I would want to take.

Habitual Lying

Much like with infidelity, I don’t believe that a single (or occasional) lie is a reason to hire a lawyer. Even if it’s a major lie, I would try to understand the motivation behind the untruth before calling it quits. But if the lies overlapped like shingles on a roof keeping the truth out, my inclination towards sympathy would be erased. Once somebody has allowed lying and deceiving to be their way of interacting with the world, they have a hard time living in truth.

They may tell you they’ll stop lying. But history proves that’s a lie as well. I refuse to ever again live in a land of make believe that somebody is projecting for me. Especially if it involves my financial security!

Abandonment

It seems self-explanatory, doesn’t it? Yet I had people question my decision to divorce my ex – who disappeared, married somebody else and refused contact. I mean, really? I guess I can kind of see it if the marriage provides insurance benefits or something (I’ve met people where this is the case and they stay married for a long period of time in name only).

Even with the definitions of marriage changing, it still takes (at least) two to make it work. When one goes, it’s gone.

And then there’s the ones that may reach deal breaker status – addiction and mental illness.

After my ex left, I learned he had been struggling with both of these. And not handling either well. I don’t see addiction or mental illness as automatic deal breakers. In fact, I view them more as a time to increase effort (both in self-care and support for the spouse)  than calling it quits. Of course, in order for that to happen, the struggling partner has to be open enough to reveal their struggles. If it’s hidden, the combined efforts can’t happen.

These two issues can be devastating – both for the affected one and for the impacted loved ones. And that’s why it’s a murky area. If the addict or mentally ill person consistently refuses to get help and continually acts in ways that threaten the well-being of the family, there may come a time when distance is the best option for all involved.

 

So, back to Brock’s question – Would I have tried to work through the issues in my first marriage?

Yes, if he had come to me about his battle with depression and drinking before the lies overwhelmed our lives. Yes, if he was ready to accept responsbility for his actions and willing to accept help. Yes, if he was wanting to increase effort rather than run away. Yes, if we would have been fighting together for a shared goal.

But I refuse to fight alone.

Knight

And so I chose a spouse the next time around that isn’t prone to those dealbreakers. That isn’t afraid of hard work. That doesn’t mind getting messy. That fights with me for our marriage.

And I’m glad that most stressors in a marriage are not of the deal breaking  variety.  I hope to never see those again.

Those are my marriage deal breakers. What are yours?

 

Compartmentilization: When to Build the Walls and When to Tear Them Down

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I ran over a turtle the other day.

God, even typing those words makes me feel ill. It was an accident, the turtle mixed in among the leaves on my driveway. As soon as I heard the terrible crunch, I knew what had to have happened. I said a blessing for the animal and expressed my sorrow as I dealt with the aftermath.

And it’s still haunting me. Even now, writing this, I’m crying.

This is a time where I wish that I was better at compartmentalizing. At building a closed-off drawer in my mind and safely tucking this incident in it.

There are times when it is necessary to wall off emotions or even entire situations. When you’re in a crisis that demands action, whether it be soldiers on a mission or a bystander administering the Heimlich, feelings and extraneous facts are a luxury that cannot be afforded. And even for longer-term mental health, there is often some “putting away” of thoughts and memories that needs to occur to avoid rumination and fixation.

And there are times when compartmentalizing is dangerous, when it is used as a denial tactic, allowing complacency in the face of wrong-doing. Addicts, sociopaths, narcissists and politicians (okay, so maybe that’s redundant:) )are all experts at creating uncrossable lines in their minds that permit them to behave egregiously without having to face much of the internal consequences. When building a mental barricade is effectively walling off the human side of a person.

So how can we tell when it’s healthy to compartmentalize and when it’s healthier to open the gates and face the facts or feelings?

It’s Time to Face It If…

  • You’re in denial because you’re afraid to face the reality. This would have characterized me during the end of my marriage; there were some things that felt wrong, but I pushed them away because I was afraid to face them. Here’s the thing with fear – the more you try to silence it, the louder it gets. If you confront it, you take away its power.
  • Your walling off of certain things is causing harm to self or others. An example of this would be addict who doesn’t want to hear about their actions while drunk or high because then they can pretend they didn’t happen. Even as their loved ones deal with the consequences.
  • The situation is ongoing and needs attention. If you pretend that it’s not occurring, you’re either shifting all of the responsibility to somebody else or allowing it to grow untethered. I see this sometimes with the parents of my students. The child is struggling in school and the parent is in denial of the issue and so isn’t on board with interventions to help.
  • You are avoiding thinking about it only because it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe it reveals an aspect of yourself that you would rather deny or highlights a mistake you made. But discomfort (different from pain) is often a sign that there’s something there that needs to be explored.

It’s Time to Compartmentalize If…

  • It’s a situation that demands immediate action and clarity of thought. This is the compartmentalization of first responders everywhere. When there is a crisis, tunnel vision is an asset and everything else can be pushed aside to deal with later. Do you want the person performing CPR on you to be busy processing the circumstances that caused your respiratory failure or do you want them focused only on giving you breath?
  • The circumstances are not your circus. This doesn’t mean that you cannot have empathy for others, but that you do not take on their burden as your own. I first learned this one while working in a pediatric oncology ward. And that was only one of the lessons those precious children taught me.
  • The difficult reality has been faced and the necessary lessons have been extracted. In that case, the leftovers are just a rotting shell that  can cause unneeded infection. Divorce often falls into this category. After you’ve dissected what went wrong, assumed responsibility for your role and found acceptance if not forgiveness, there is little benefit to be found in reliving the most painful parts. Put them away.
  • It’s old news that you cannot change. If it’s major enough to be of concern, it was probably major enough to change you somehow. And that’s okay. We are influenced by what happens to us, yet we don’t always need to hold onto what happens to us. This is child that faced abuse that now is an experienced marital artist. The abuse is over and done with. The coping strategies realized. There’s no reason to allow the abuse to occupy prime mental territory.

Unhealthy compartmentalizing is avoiding. Denial. It’s being weak and letting yourself be controlled.

Healthy compartmentalizing is prioritizing. Letting go. It’s being strong and deciding who and what you will allow to occupy your thoughts.

As for me, I’ve already laid that poor little turtle’s body to rest. I’m now trying to do the same with my thoughts. And I’ve made a vow to be extra careful surveying the driveway before driving in.