Understanding Financial Abuse

Posted on by stilllearning2b
financial abuse

When I first realized that I had been a victim of financial abuse at the hands of my husband, my first reaction was fear. How in the world would I be able to survive, much less rebuild, with the accounts bled dry and the debt growing by the day?

That was followed by anger. How dare he lie to me about our finances for years, pretending to have our best interests at heart while he simultaneously stole my hard-earned money from behind my trusting back? And why was I responsible for cleaning up the mess he made?

But the emotion that persisted throughout? That would be shame.

I berated myself for being stupid, for trusting too much and verifying too little. I felt ashamed at having to consider bankruptcy and embarrassed when I had to ask for financial help from others. I blamed myself for my situation. It was only later that I realized that it was abuse. 

Financial abuse is real. Yet it’s rarely discussed or understood, leaving people vulnerable to its impact and furthering the harm that the victims of this type of abuse face when they try to speak out. As with any abuse, understanding is power.

 

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What is financial abuse?

Any abuse is ultimately about control and manipulation. Financial abuse is no different, only it uses money as a tool to exploit and exert power.

Financial abuse can be overt or covert. Overt financial abuse often occurs alongside physical and/or emotional abuse. In this situation, access to money is knowingly restricted in an attempt to limit the victim’s options. The abuser may limit the other’s ability to earn money or may insist that they control all of the finances.

In covert abuse, the financial manipulations are done in secret. This can take the form of hidden assets that are intentionally withheld from the partner or can appear as concealed debts that are accumulated without the other’s knowledge. The abuser may use marital status to access shared accounts or may take out lines of credit in their spouse’s name. Covert financial abuse is a type of betrayal; lying and hiding become the norm as the person carefully covers their tracks.

As with other types of abuse, the abuser may use gaslighting and projection in an attempt to shift the focus off of themselves. They claim that their spouse is an extravagant spender or they may pretend that they have had a new purchase for a long time. In some cases (raising my hand here), the abuser may even go so far as to create false documentation to match their claims about money.

What does the law say about financial abuse?

When I first discovered that I was the victim of financial abuse at the hands of my husband one day after he left me via text, I assumed that the courts would protect me. After all, taking money from somebody without their consent is fraud, right?

Wrong.

At least in the eyes of the law when you’re married. I learned the hard way that I was the one responsible for all of the debt that he incurred in my name. It didn’t matter that he lied. Nobody seemed concerned that he forged my name for the benefit of others and documents to cover his tracks with me. Because we were married, his financial actions were yoked to my consequences.

From some people I received sympathy. But I never found justice, with one notable exception – the IRS. Without my knowledge, my husband had made changes to our tax returns prior to filing, falsely claiming medical and charitable deductions. Days after he left, I received certified letters from the IRS demanding over $6,000. I used money from a family member to settle the debt and assumed that it was simply another financial hit that I would have to absorb.

And then I learned about Innocent Spouse Relief, a special IRS program designed specifically for the victims of domestic financial abuse that includes tax deception. That letter marking me “innocent” was perhaps even more important than the subsequent checks reimbursing me for his fraud. It felt so good to be believed and absolved of at least some of the consequences.

How does financial abuse affect you?

Financial abuse does not end when the relationship does. In a very real sense, it may take years to rebuild financial security and to shore up a flagging credit score. More subtle, but no less difficult, is the accompanying emotional abuse that stays with you in the form of internalized beliefs and negative self-talk.

Money is about so much more than money.

We equate credit scores with trustworthiness and financial status with social worth. Add to that the embarrassment that comes from being conned and the sense of betrayal stemming from the lies, and financial abuse leads to some pretty difficult emotions.

Interactions with others often feed into the shame and negativity. There was the bankruptcy counselor that chided me for buying healthy food, even after I told her that my husband ran up the debt in my name and kale was certainly not the reason behind the $40,000 in credit card debt that I had been “gifted.” Then there was the rental specialist at the apartment complex that had the power to approve or deny my lease application. When a check revealed unpaid utility bills (another surprise parting gift), he thought it appropriate to lecture me. Again, this was after he knew about my situation. The truth is that most people don’t understand financial abuse and so they have a tendency to blame the victim.

Even ten years out, I still struggle with my relationship to money. I feel guilty when I spend it (even though it’s now within my means), hearing my ex husband’s voice claiming that I am irresponsible. There is an insecurity that I now possess around money; I need a certain amount available to calm my sense of panic.

Financial abuse is complex. It impacts both your bank account and your brain and both require time and sustained effort to recover.

How can you recover from financial abuse?

When it comes to recovery from financial abuse, time is your biggest ally. Your first priority has to be your financial health. Start by taking a critical look at your situation. If this is too much right now (as it was for me in the beginning), ask for help from a trusted friend or family member. Set your priorities – What do you need to pay right now? What alerts can you put on your accounts to protect you from further fraud? What companies do you need to contact to arrange a payment plan? What bills can be ignored for now?

I know it’s hard to face this when it should not be your mess to clean up. Yet facing it is the only way to remove it from your life. One trick I used in the five years it took for me to pay off his parting debts was to jot down a little note of gratitude every time I paid a bill.

I decided to view these debts he left me with as a down payment on a better life. It was then up to me to ensure that it was money well spent.

For me, the emotional recovery trailed behind the financial recuperation. As long as I was still making payments, I found it difficult to shed the shame and the anger. Once the debts were settled and the savings began to build again, I found that I was able to find some peace with the past. I made mistakes that put me in the position where I could be financially controlled. I can’t go back and change those, but I can certainly learn from them going forward.

How can you protect yourself from financial abuse?

Limit the damage that someone can cause. Have some money that only you have access to and maintain some credit only in your name.  Use a credit monitoring service or download a credit app on your phone and check it weekly to make sure there aren’t any unauthorized accounts in your name. Check periodically to ensure that you still have access to any joint accounts and that passwords have not been changed.

Pay attention to any discrepancies between lifestyle and income. Ask questions and don’t be too quick to believe answers that don’t read as truth. Check for evidence that money is going where it is supposed to and that it is not being funneled a different direction.

Be aware of attempts at gaslighting, where your spouse denies reality, perhaps claiming that money wasn’t spent when the evidence points to the contrary. Also, look for situations where you’re falsely accused of spending too much. This may be an indication that your partner is the one burning through funds.

If you have a tendency to be avoidant about financial stressors, be extra cautious. Your difficulty confronting money challenges makes it easier for someone to manipulate you. Work on resolving your own relationship with money so that you’re more comfortable discussing it.

And finally, if you see something, say something. I know it’s scary to face the truth. But once you know what you’re dealing with, you can take action to deal with it.

The Cheater’s Playbook

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheater

My ex left behind a letter, typed and in duplicate, when he unexpectedly exited my life. That was followed a couple weeks later by a suicide (attempted) email, sent to both his other wife and my mother. Since I had no other explanations, I poured over those words for months, looking for answers.

His words were cruel, dismissing my importance in his life and emphasizing his unhappiness (which he blatantly denied up until he left). I internalized his sentences, saw them as a direct reflection on me.

And then I connected with others who had been cheated on and summarily dismissed. I was shocked to hear that they had received many of the same words from their ex.

“Do all cheaters read the same playbook?” we joked.

But behind the quip was something deeper – if they all recite the same lines, maybe those words have more to do with the cheater and less to do with me.

I read the letters again, this time with a different perspective. He was making excuses. Maybe for the benefit of others, but even more likely, in an attempt to assuage any guilt he may have felt over his actions.

The context of these words matters.  People certainly can change and relationships that once were a good fit may not be any more. Some people choose to handle the end with respect for the other person. When these word are spoken in that context, they can be valid and true. Others make different choices and use these words to try to excuse their deceptive behavior and to try to pass blame on to the other partner. In that context, these same words are poison to the receiving end.

If there is a Cheater’s Playbook somewhere, these phrases would certainly be found within:

 

I’ve never felt like this for somebody before.

Hmmm…that’s funny. Because I seem to remember you using some of the same proclamations of love with me that I uncovered with your new paramour.

 

He/she just gets me.

Do they even know you? I wonder what sort of front you have presented and if your mask has had the opportunity to slip?

 

I just wanted a chance at happiness.

So do I. Funny thing, though. I don’t perceive lying to others as a prerequisite for happiness. In fact, if I was hurting someone I cared about, it would make me pretty damn miserable.

 

I haven’t been happy for a long time.

So why didn’t you say something? Spouses certainly get to know one another, but full-on mind-reading is still science fiction.

 

I didn’t mean for it to happen.

Oh, please. You may not have had the intention to cheat from the onset, but you certainly made lots of choices that led you to that conclusion.

 

You’re imagining things.

I wish I was. That would be preferable to realizing the truth, that the person that I loved and trusted most in this world decided to act selfishly and destroy my world as a result.

 

This wouldn’t have happened if you…

Nope. Not taking that on. If there was something you were not happy about, it is YOUR responsibility to bring it up and provide an opportunity for it to change.

 

I never had a chance to…

I am so sorry (said with much sarcasm) that you didn’t get a chance to date/enjoy your childhood/have adult time without children. Choices have consequences. You don’t get to pretend they don’t.

 

I need someone who pays attention to me.

So do I, but you’ve obviously been turning elsewhere. And whatever you nurture, grows.

 

You don’t appreciate me.

Well, I don’t appreciate this, that’s for damn sure. And be honest with yourself, have you been acting in a way that deserves appreciation?

 

You don’t understand me.

You’re right. I don’t. I don’t understand how you could just throw away all that we have worked to build. That’s not who I fell in love with.

 

I’m just not attracted to you anymore.

You know, there have been many moments when I’m not attracted to you. But our vows are bigger than that. Commitment sometimes means putting in the effort to reignite that passion.

 

I never meant to hurt you.

Well, you did a great job of it nonetheless. What exactly did you think the repercussions of this discovery would be? A welcome party for your affair partner?

 

I never loved you.

That certainly fits your actions. I don’t know what’s worse – thinking you could do this to someone you love or realizing that you faked your feelings the entire time?

 

In order to begin healing, I had to realize that his words were projection and misdirection. I had to learn which of them to ignore and which contained some element of truth. Because one thing is certain about cheaters – they lie. And so often the words they share upon their exit are nothing more than little drops of fiction, breadcrumbs that if followed, lead to the wrong conclusions.

10 Ways to Make Online Dating Suck a Little Less

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Online dating can be awesome – you have a huge pool of potential dates to select from, you are able to screen for basic compatibility ahead of time and you can “meet” people while you’re on the sofa in your sweats. But online dating has its downsides. The sheer number of people available can be overwhelming and a succession of mediocre (or even terrible) encounters can leave you feeling defeated.

The following ideas can help you get the most out of your time with online dating –

 

1 – Ensure Your Basic Emotional and Social Needs Are Already Met

If you are turning to online dating to have your emotional needs met, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You can expect to have many superficial encounters and even if you meet someone that you click with, it will take time to build emotional intimacy with them.

Asking your online matches to meet your basic needs for connection and validation isn’t fair to them. They are not looking for someone to take care of (or, if they are, it’s a red flag that they’re not ready for a relationship); they are seeking someone to spend time with and get to know. It’s a lose-lose situation when people are too “hungry” for connection when they begin dating – the grasping will push others away and the need for emotional contact will go unfulfilled.

 

2 – Limit Your Choices

I remember when I first made my Match account about nine years ago. A newbie to online dating, I cast a wide net, basically setting my parameters as males between the ages of 25 and 45 in the metro Atlanta area. I was rewarded with a never-ending stream of profiles that numbered close to 40,000. I knew I needed to date a lot of men to learn more about what I was looking for, but that seemed a little excessive.

I was hesitant about narrowing my parameters too much, as my goal was to meet a variety of people. Luckily, Match had a manageable number of “daily picks” that they sent out and so I limited myself to pursuing those profiles.

We all can become overwhelmed when there are too many choices. In fact, a study with a jam display in a supermarket found that when there were too many varieties to choose from (I think the limit was eight), customers were less likely to make a purchase. But as soon as the choices were narrowed, selections increased. When we have a seemingly infinite number to choose from, we believe that we can always find one better. Of course, that means the looking becomes endless.

Find a way to curate the profiles you see. If you’re on a large dating site, explore how you can narrow the potential matches you see. Alternately, consider signing up for a smaller, more specialized site that already filters matches for you. Because when it comes to online dating, the number of people available is both a blessing and a curse.

 

3 – Meet Early and Have an Easy Out

One of the best pieces of advice I received was to limit the amount of time spent messaging somebody before a meeting. It’s amazing how someone can seem like a perfect match via text, but become an immediate “No!” once you see them in person. Statistically, you’re going to meet a lot of duds (although I’ll explain soon how this can still be a “good” date). If you have already built somewhat of a relationship through messaging, it can difficult to cut them loose. Whereas if they are still a relative stranger, it’s much easier to say, “I’m just not feeling a connection. I hope you have a wonderful afternoon.”

Keep the initial encounter simple and ensure that you can leave early if you want. Coffee is a standard choice here for a reason – it’s cheap, it’s everywhere, it can be over in as little as twenty minutes and if there is a connection, you can always get a refill.

 

4 – View Each Encounter as a Lesson

This was my favorite way to avoid “bad” dates. Before each encounter, I would remind myself that my only goal was to learn something – about the other person, about myself or about some area of expertise that they had. And as long as I came away with some new information, I considered the date a win (even if I never wanted to see the man again!).

I found that this approach helped to remove some of the pressure off each date, because I wasn’t so worried about them being the “right” one. It aided in conversation, as my motivation truly was one of curiosity. And best of all, that knowledge stays with you even though the person may not.

 

5 – Get Out of Your Head

Anybody else like to stress about things? Overthink their choices? Worry that people won’t like you?

Yeah, me too.

And if that’s the attitude that you have before each date, dating is going to be stressful.

You may already know what works best for you to get into a flow state and get out of your head. Awesome. Do that before each encounter.

If you’re at a loss, here’s what worked for me –

I found one “date” dress that I wore constantly. It looked nice and (very importantly), it was super-comfortable. This removed any agonizing over what to wear for first dates. I scheduled dates for either right after work (so that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to let stress build) or for after a gym session (where the activity would bleed any anxiety). Before I got out of the car, I would take five deep breaths and remind myself that all I needed to do was learn one thing.

And then I jumped in, putting all my focus on my date so that there was no room left to reside in my own thoughts.

 

6 – Do Things You Enjoy

Dating takes time. So you may as well double up and do things you enjoy while you’re on a date. The benefits are two-fold: you are more likely to be relaxed and happy and your date will get an opportunity to get to know you better.

I went to museum exhibits, hiked nearby trails and went snow tubing on some of my dates. Sometimes I enjoyed the companionship, and sometimes the experience was the enjoyment. Eventually, I learned to keep a list of locations or upcoming events at the ready so that I could suggest them easily.

Alternately, be open to new experiences, that are novel either to both of you or only to you. There’s an energy that comes from novelty that can enrich any date.

 

7 – Depersonalize Any Rejections

I know rejection stings.

But when you’re rejected from an online connection or after a first date, that rejection has nothing to do with you. After all, the other person doesn’t even know you yet.

They have an expectation of what they want in their head. And based upon what they have seen, you don’t meet that expectation. That’s not a value judgement on you. It has nothing at all to do with you not being good enough.

You are simply not what they are looking for. As straightforward as somebody wanting a blue car instead of a red truck.

Keep being you. You’re exactly what somebody is looking for.

 

8 – Give People a Chance

I first met my now-husband nine years ago at a coffee shop after messaging on Match. If somebody had told me when I walked out of our meeting that I had just been with my future husband, I would have been incredulous. I mean, the date went fine, but there were no fireworks and no clear signs that we were a great team.

Those came months later.

Remember that the entire purpose of a first date is to decide if you want a second. The second is to figure out if you both want a third. Don’t worry too much about the unforeseeable future in the beginning and be open to somebody being the right fit even if there’s no sparks flying during the initial meeting.

Also, don’t be so wedded to a “type” that you ignore great people that could just bring out a whole other side of you. By all means, look for potential partners that share your basic values, energy level and life trajectory, but don’t be too limiting about the details.

 

9 – Take a Break When You Need To

Online dating can feel like a job. And it’s one you can quit at any time. Whenever you find yourself dating because you feel obligated or you find that you’re becoming bitter about the type of encounters you’re having, take a breather.

Dating is more a marathon than a sprint. Take the scenic route. Enjoy breaks when you need them. Focus on the other relationships in your life. The internet will still be there when you’re ready to return.

 

10 – Remind Yourself it’s a Numbers Game

You’re not going to find what you’re looking for on the first date. Or the second. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find it.

I think sometimes we see dating like a well-organized clothing store. You walk in, locate the gendered section you want, walk to the display that appeals to you and rifle through the rack until you locate your size.

But that’s not how it works.

Dating is more like a flea market where there is a lot of junk that you have to wade through to find the treasures. As a result, you have to commit some time and energy to the search. You may enter with an expectation of what you’re looking for, but then something completely different may catch your eye.

Be curious. Be patient. And have fun.

Life’s too short to do otherwise!

Rewriting the End of a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The end of your relationship isn’t the end of your dreams or of your happiness. It just may be about discovery, renovation, and learning to let go.

____

When a relationship ends, it is natural to focus on what is lost, to fully submerge in the heartache and mourn the departed. It is all too easy to become so mired in the sadness that the end of a relationship is extrapolated to mean the end of so much more. But that’s just your wounded heart speaking. And it has a tendency to exaggerate.

The End of Your Relationship is Not…

The End of Hopes and Dreams

After all, lost dreams are better than no dreams at all.

When my ex walked out the door, he took my dreams with him. He carried out the trips we had planned over dinners and walks, running over them with his car until they were but black marks on the street. He hefted the retirement daydreams onto his back and launched them in the dumpster as he drove away. The house plans and projects were sent through the shredder before being addressed to the incinerator. He even stuffed his pockets with the small yearnings, the desire to grow old together and to watch our world evolve. He took it all.

For years, I was afraid to dream. Afraid that it would again be stolen by a thief in the night. But then I realized how limiting that was. Silly, even. After all, lost dreams are better than no dreams at all. I’ve since worked to build new visions, both solo and with my second husband. I again carry hope for the future and paint images of a desired life.When a relationship ends, some dreams are dashed but that simply clears the way for new ones. Maybe even better ones.

The End of Intimacy

There is an ease found in a developed relationship. A sense of truly being known and accepted, fears and all. I worried that I would never again feel that deep connection with someone and, once I started dating again, my fears were confirmed. I felt a distance with each date. A sense of observing the interaction rather than feeling it. I blamed the men, assuming that there was something special about my connection with my ex that allowed true intimacy to develop.

But what I neglected to consider is that time is the true medium needed for intimacy to flourish. It is not fair to compare the infancy stage of one relationship to the fully-developed period of another.

It’s scary to open up again, to risk the pain of loss and heartbreak. But if you are willing to take the risk, the fulfillment of true intimacy may again be your reward.

The End of Family

My ex and I knew each other since high school; his family became my family. When he elected to abandon the marriage, his family followed suit. I mourned the loss not only of the marriage, but of the extended network that we were embedded within.

There’s a strange distortion that often happens at the end of a relationship, where the past is viewed as better than it was and the future is perceived to be bleaker than it is.

I did lose that family but the divorce did not mean the loss of family altogether. In fact, it strengthened the bond with my own relatives, especially my father. It made me more open and committed to my friends, who truly became family to me.

It’s painful to be ostracized from a social group, to feel like a pariah in the same moments you are mourning a marriage. But it is also an opportunity to build and fortify new connections.

The End of Happiness

We all have a tendency to believe that the way we feel in a given moment is the way we will always feel. And after a divorce or break-up, that’s a pretty abysmal thought.

There’s a strange distortion that often happens at the end of a relationship, where the past is viewed as better than it was and the future is perceived to be bleaker than it is. We may have believed that we were happy in our relationships, but we often mistake comfort for happiness.

Happiness comes when there is an agreement between your perceptions and your reality. It is found when you are able to be yourself and are not afraid to face any obstacles in your path. Happiness is not found from others; it comes from within. Only you can make you happy.

The end of a relationship may feel like the end of happiness. But all it can do is delay it for a while.

We resist endings, often preferring to hold on to what we know rather than move forth into the unfamiliar.

The End of Your Relationship Is…

Change

The secret to successfully navigating any change in your life is found in your ability to adapt to the new environment.

In the beginning, I classified my divorce as ruinous, especially considering the numerous betrayals and deceptions. It was an attack. I was a victim. And I had to learn to live in a world destroyed.

But now, years later, I no longer see it as completely injurious. In fact, in some ways, that horrible year was the best episode of my existence, the rock bottom that became the foundation of a better life.

The end of a relationship is ultimately neither good nor bad. It’s simply different. It may be planned or delivered in a blow. Wanted or undesired. Regardless, it is a change that touches every aspect of your life. And change, in any magnitude or guise, is hard.

Adaptation

The secret to successfully navigating any change in your life is found in your ability to adapt to the new environment. It’s difficult to negotiate the transition from partnered to single, especially if it was a choice thrust upon you.

When I first started dating again, I made the mistake of immediately acting married. I’m sure I spooked a few guys, but I never intended to come on too strong or too fast. It was just that I was still learning to adapt; I knew how to be married but I had to learn how to be single.

As with everything, practice makes better. Give yourself the time and opportunity to adapt to your new reality. New is always uncomfortable. But nothing stays new forever. You are stronger and more resilient than you ever imagined. You will adapt.

Letting Go

When I felt the last scraps of the marriage slide through my fingers, I responded with panic, grasping on to whatever I could. I sent him desperate messages, imploring him to reconsider. I entertained fantasies where somehow everything was a big mistake and reality would return again.

It’s so difficult to let go. To release our beliefs about the person we loved and the resilience of the relationship. It is scary to let go and trust that you will survive when you don’t yet know how far you will fall. Letting go is a battle between faith and fear. It takes courage to bridge to release your past and trust in your future.

Letting go is the ultimate gift to yourself. It’s a gift of freedom.

Renovation

Choose to be a student of life rather than a victim of circumstance.

When strangers and acquaintances asked intrusive questions about my life in the year after the divorce, I responded with the statement, “I am in the middle of a major life renovation.” And really, what could have been more true? When your life is torn down to the studs, you have the opportunity to rebuild however you want.

The end of a relationship is a time to make deliberate decisions about your life. It’s a time to evaluate what you have and remove or repurpose what no longer fits. It’s an opportunity for you to be the architect of your life without anyone else trying to change your plans.

Discovery

The best lessons are found when we are open and bleeding. When our defenses are down and we are searching for meaning and reassurances.

As I started writing about the end of my marriage, I was amazed to discover connections between the divorce and my childhood wounds. I found patterns in my responses to situations and, once identified, I was able to work to change those behaviors. I have learned more about myself in the past five years than I did in the first thirty plus.

Use the end of a relationship as an opportunity to reflect. To gain perspective and to make conscious changes. Choose to be a student of life rather than a victim of circumstance.

Opportunity

The end of a relationship is a brief window of opportunity because when nothing is certain, anything is possible.

Every ending holds the seed to another beginning. Let it grow.

Refuse to Be a Victim

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Let me introduce you to the victim advocate,” offered the policeman who had arrested my husband the day before.

 

I stopped short. That was the first time that word – victim – had ever been applied to me. I certainly felt victimized. My partner of sixteen years had just abandoned me with a text message, stolen all of my money and then committed bigamy. Yet even though I was still in the acute phase of suffering, I startled at the application of the word “victim.”

 

Because even though I had been hurt, I did not wantto see myself as a victim. Although it felt good for the pain and unfairness to be recognized, the term also made me feel minimized. That word embodied weakness in my mind and I wanted to feel powerful. It spoke of a lack of control and I wanted to be the one to drive my life.

 

I did not want to be a victim.

 

But for a time, I was.

 

In the beginning, I spoke about what was done to me. I looked for resolution and justice from outside sources, hoping for an apology from him and a conviction from the courts. I embraced my pain, feeling justified in holding on to it. Meanwhile, I demonized my ex, removing all semblance of humanity in my view of him.

 

There was a certain comfort in accepting a role as a victim. I garnered sympathy and commiseration from those around me. I had limited control and limited responsibility. But those same conditions that sheltered me also confined me.

 

As long as I saw myself as a victim, I would remain one. As long as I was limited by my past, I would remain a prisoner of what happened.

 

When the desired justice from the courts failed to appear and the hoped-for apology never came, I was left with a decision to make: I could either bemoan the circumstances or I could change my response.

 

I chose the latter.

 

I used the following ideas to help shed the guise of victim and make myself the hero of my own life:

 

Rewrite Your Story

 

When we are harmed, we often feel powerless, as though we are simply being led through someone else’s story. One of the first steps to renouncing victimhood is to take control of your story. Rewrite it. Reframe it. Narrate it. Change the perspective. Take yourself out of the role of victim (done tome) and put yourself in the role of hero (I did…). Write it or tell it until you believe it.

 

Pick up a pen and write your happy ending.

 

Create Purpose

 

Whatever happened, happened. There is no changing the past. But you can use the past to create something better in the future. Find some anger about what occurred and use that as fuel to drive you to create something better. Look around and see others suffering and use your experience to render aide. Use your rock bottom as a foundation for your life’s purpose.

 

You have the power to create something wonderful out of something terrible.

 

Make Changes

 

When unwanted change is thrust upon our lives, it’s easy to feel hopeless. Learn to recognize the potential hidden within and use the opportunity of uncertainty to create change of your choosing. There is no better time to release what no longer serves you and to embrace new beginnings.

 

When you’re rebuilding your life from the ground up, you have the power of choice and the wisdom of experience. That’s a powerful pair.

 

Find Gratitude

 

One of the powerful and difficult exercises that can empower the victimized is practicing radical gratitude. Face what has caused you the greatest pain, the most suffering, and write down why you are grateful for it. It is an amazing reminder of how much our thoughts rather than our circumstances are responsible for our happiness.

 

When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift.

 

 

You are only a victim if you imprison yourself. Release yourself from the shackles of your past and let your spirit soar.