How to Control Your Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

While I was in the midst of my own divorce, I was convinced that my soon-to-be ex husband was my biggest enemy.

I was wrong.

In fact, in many ways I was my own worst enemy.

I allowed myself to become consumed with things that were outside of my control. I grew increasingly frustrated with the glacial pace of the court proceedings and allowed my ex’s lack of cooperation to spark my ire. I obsessed over his new relationship, convinced that the details were important. I fixated on my desire for him to face the repercussions for his (illegal) actions and allowed the shortcomings of the legal system to derail me.

And all of those things have a single commonality – they were outside of my locus of control.

Part of what makes divorce so scary and so painful is the enormity of the changes and the scarcity of control. To make the transition easier, learn to let go of the areas you cannot control and redirect your attention to the spheres where you have influence.

 

What You Can’t Control

 

Timing of Divorce

The family courts move at their own pace. And it’s often a glacial one.  It’s very easy to get frustrated and caught up with the actions (or inactions) of the professionals involved. You can ensure that your bills are paid, your paperwork is prompt and your attorney is kept apprised. And that’s where your part ends. Let go of the need for the divorce to happen on your desired timeline.

 

Your Spouse’s Reactions

Maybe you’re like me and you are the recipient of an unwanted divorce. Or perhaps you are the one who initiated the split and your spouse is taking the news hard. Either way, you cannot control your partner’s reactions. You can ask for discussion if they are leaving and you can act with compassion if they are. Their response is not something you can influence.

 

Fairness

I was completely hung up on the notion of “fairness” in my divorce. I felt like it was needed for me to move on. But fairness as we think of it is more at home in fiction than reality and I couldn’t write it into my own life. When you’re in the emotional storm of a divorce, little will feel fair. But it’s okay. You’re alive and you’re breathing. You can go on regardless.

 

Limitations of Law

 If your spouse acted poorly, you may be looking to the courts to provide the consequences for their actions. But that isn’t what the law is designed to do. According to the courts, your marriage is a legal contract and nothing else. You will not find any emotional healing or salvation in their halls.

 

Ex’s Behavior

Every day I receive messages from people inquiring how they get their ex to tell the truth. Or to stop dating so soon. Or to step up and be present for the kids. The difficult truth is that you couldn’t control those things while you were married and you have even less influence now. It’s difficult to go from being in someone’s everyday life to being merely a bystander. Yet the sooner you can accept that role, the happier you’ll be.

 

Financial and Lifestyle Impact

 It’s the rare person who doesn’t take a financial and/or lifestyle hit after divorce. It can be a frustrating setback, especially when it comes on the heels of years of hard work and sacrifice. While you have to make adjustments to allow for the change, try not to expend too much mental energy on the financial losses and instead focus on what you can do to rebuild.

 

 

What You Can Control

 

Environment

Divorce is often a time of unwanted change and loss. You may be feeling rejected and scared, unsure in your new life. Take this opportunity to create an environment in your home (wherever that may be for now) that feels supportive and welcoming. And why stop with your physical space? Extend this idea to your friends and family as well, surrounding yourself with people that make you feel good. The investment in your environment will pay dividends in the coming months.

 

Legal Knowledge

 You can’t control the courts and you don’t write the laws, but you can educate yourself about the process so that you are not subjects to whims of the attorneys (who may or may not have your best interests in mind). It’s difficult to focus on the practical while in the midst of the emotional storm yet it’s worth the effort.

 

Personal Boundaries

You’ve accepted that you can’t control your ex, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with anything they have to offer. You get to decide what you will tolerate and you can communicate those boundaries and reinforce the natural consequences. It’s amazing how empowering the act of creating space can be.

 

Staying Out of the Storm

Like many others, my divorce was drama-filled. At first, I allowed myself to get caught up in it, the daily ups and downs dictating my emotional state. It took some time, but eventually, through a combination of mindfulness and yoga, I learned that I could refuse to allow my emotions to get caught up in the storm. The nonsense still went on but it no longer had such an influence.

 

Attention and Energy

Divorce’s impact is huge. It’s natural for it to occupy a large portion of your attention and energy. Be careful how much you feed it because whatever you nurture, grows. Make an effort to find other, more positive areas to direct your attention. This is a great time to recommit to a hobby or dive headfirst into a new one.

 

Attitude

If you can control this, you are powerful beyond measure.

Attitude changes the end of the world into a new beginning. Attitude is the difference between being a victim and stubbornly flourishing in spite of the circumstances. Attitude throws away the shame and replaces it with fierce determination. Attitude can say, “This is horrible,” or it can pronounce, “I will make it through!”

And attitude determines if you focus on those things you cannot control or if you direct your attention to what you can change.

How to Rewrite Your Divorce Story

Posted on by stilllearning2b

With personal life events, the facts matter less than your interpretation of them.

I wish I had known that in the year following my own divorce. Instead, I chased down the facts like a terrier after a rat, convinced that as soon as I had assembled all the particulars and made sense of the information, I would find peace.

The exercise was one of futility and failure. No matter how much I questioned or how hard I looked, there were certain things that would remain unknowable. My need to comprehend became obsessive, consuming my thoughts and breaking me down in the process.

In my unease with those voids, I filled them with my assumptions and reactions, feelings acting as the mortar between the bricks of what happened. And I assumed the worst, as we often do. I believed that my ex acted out of deliberate malice with a personal and directed attack. I eagerly assigned him the label of “sociopath” in an attempt to understand his actions. And I held tight to the facts I did know, using them as an excuse both inwardly and outwardly for my response.

And instead of finding relief, I only felt worse.

Time moved on and with it, the clarity of some of details faded. The facts muddied as they tumbled through my thoughts with my perceptions, like whites thrown into the wash along the darks. As first I panicked, afraid that I would forget the reality of what happened. I went through old emails, pulled out worn files in an effort to remind myself of the facts.

I was startled to realize that they no longer mattered. And even more importantly, I realized that the emotional stories that I told myself to fill in the missing information had more staying power and influence than the facts themselves.

On that day, I made a decision to actively reframe all of my earlier assumptions and conclusions surrounding the known facts of my divorce. Instead of believing that my ex acted out of malevolence, I decided to believe that he was scared and seeking to alleviate his own pain. I replaced “sociopath” with “depressed” and “addict,” both of which elicited empathy more than hatred. I reframed his ongoing lies as desperate measures in an effort to regain control of a life spinning out of hand.

I actively worked to excise the emotion of my earlier reactions. With each remaining fact and facet, I made the effort to assume the best possible motivation and intention. The mental exercise was like pouring Tide into the tumbler along with the facts, brightening the facts and softening the harsh edges.

And I found relief.

Those facts are still stored in my brain and on some hard days, one will rise to the surface and cause my breath to catch in my throat with the intensity of the memory. But for the most part, when I think about my own experience, I see it through the lens I crafted. The reworking of the facts that allows me to feel empathy instead of rage, peace instead of rejection and pity instead of betrayal.

Because when it comes to personal life events, the facts matter less than your interpretation of them.

If you want to rewrite your own divorce story, these are the steps you need to take:

  • Recognize your assumptions. We all have a tendency to take people’s words and actions personally when it is often not about us. Strip away all of your beliefs about why something was said or why a certain behavior occurred.
  • Write the facts and only the facts. Keep it simple and keep it brief. There is no need to focus on the nuance; you only need to capture the broad strokes.
  • Pretend these same facts were presented about somebody you feel kindly towards or written about a positive character in a book. What conclusions might you reach about why these things happened?
  • Shift those beliefs to your own situation. Be persistent – your earlier and more emotional reactions will fight you for dominance.
  • Notice how you feel as those positively-spun stories start to resonate. Are you breathing a little easier? Feeling a little lighter?

Your divorce and perhaps your ex have already hurt you enough. There is no reason for you to allow your thoughts to hurt you even more.

Facing Divorce? How to Build the Support System You Need

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We accept that people need help at the beginning and at the end of life. Divorce is the end of one life and the beginning of another.

You will need help.

Here’s how to get it –

 

Friends and Family

 

These are probably the first people you will turn to. And with good reason. When you’ve lost a love, you want more than anything to be surrounded by people that love you. It can be challenging to share the news of the divorce with your friends and family; they will hurt for you and they may also be grieving the loss of the marriage. You may find it helpful to enlist a disseminator, a point-person who can share the news and salient facts to protect you from the painful repetition of the story at first.

Often, loved ones have a desire to help, but are unsure of what to do. Once you’re able, craft a message to send to your inner circle detailing what you need (food, outings, someone to watch the kids) and what you don’t (questions, platitudes, derogatory statements about your ex).

You may find that some people respond with judgment rather than compassion. You may have to put these relationships on the back burner for a time until you’re ready to handle their comments. This is a time to surround yourself with people firmly on Team You. No apologies needed.

 

Community

 

Friends and family are great, yet they have their limitations. They may getyou, but they don’t necessarily get what you’re going through. Divorce has a way of making you feel like a pariah in your own life. And that’s why divorce communities, either in-person or virtual (like DivorceForce!) are so important. You learn you’re not alone, you can gain information and understanding from others facing the same and you can find hope from those that a little further along than you. And they’ll also listen to you when you’re friends are telling you to “Just get over it, already!”

Be mindful of the tone and culture of the group you select. It may feel good at first to be part of a congregation that plays “Pin the Tail on the Ex” at every gathering, yet that focus won’t help you much in long run. Instead, look for a community that accepts where you are and has a goal of helping you move on to where you want to be.

 

Local Networking

 

Maybe you’ve moved to a new neighborhood and you need help finding a good babysitter. Or perhaps your spouse always took care of the painting and now you need to hire it out. Those little details of daily life can become overwhelming during divorce and, as they’re frequently accompanied with a move, they can become downright impossible to manage. And during divorce, networking and creating local relationships often takes more time and energy than you possess.

Luckily, there’s help. The Nextdoor app puts you in virtual touch with your neighbors. Without actually having to summon the energy to talk to somebody or even to get dressed, you can find out everything from a neighbor you can let your dog out to learning the best place to sell your wedding ring. It helps to alleviate some of the pressure and anxiety that arises when you’re suddenly left to do it all on your own.

 

Social Contact

 

Between the stigma that often still surrounds divorce (some people seem to think it’s as contagious as a cold!), the awkwardness that develops in a friend group when a couple splits and the demands that divorce makes on your time and energy, it can be challenging to maintain your former levels of social contact.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not important.

This can be a great time to reconnect with old friends who knew you before your marriage. It can also be a great time to meet some new friends (even if temporary) who will not view you as “the divorcing one.” A group such as MeetUp can provide no-pressure social contact alongside a shared interest. And if all that feels too overwhelming, at the very least spend some time in public at the periphery of a crowd. It serves as a great reminder that you’re not alone.

 

Professional Support

 

I don’t think anyone can make it through divorce without at least some professional help. If you’re having trouble sleeping or are experiencing signs of anxiety, depression or PTSD-like symptoms, locate a psychiatrist, as you may benefit from some medication. If you are having trouble processing the divorce and its associated emotions, call a therapist. If your symptoms are presenting physically (which is quite common), you may need a visit to your doctor.

Professional support can also come from a religious leader to help you navigate this change through faith, a divorce or life coach to help you take charge of your future and even a financial advisor to help you plan your budget. Don’t try to it alone. Let the professional carry some of your burden while you rebuild your strength.

 

No-Judgment Journal

 

The headspace during divorce can get downright ugly. You may have thoughts and fears that don’t feel safe to disclose even to your closest friends or your caring therapist. This is where the journal comes in. It can take any form – written or recorded, paper or digital, neat or messy. Allow it to absorb your tears and your fears. This is your uncensored space. Where you can let it all out without worries of being judged or facing repercussions for your outbursts.

While there are many ways to journal and no rules that must be followed, I have a basic strategy that I often recommend: Each time you write, begin by purging the “yuck.” Let it all out until you’re drained of its energy. Then, explore your current worries. Those “what ifs” and fears that keep you up at night. And begin to explore possible solutions along with tempering those run away emotions with some rational thoughts. Finally, end each session with hope. With dreams and inspirations for your future. Even if you have no idea how you’re going to get there, the act of writing down your dreams helps you believe they can come true.

 

Sanctuary Space

 

It’s so important during divorce to have a safe space that you can retreat to when the world becomes too much. Perhaps it’s your car, with its soundproof doors, endless supply of music and ability to take you away.  Or maybe you indulge in luxurious sheets and pillows that make your bed feel as welcoming as a hug from a caring grandmother.

The location and the specifics of the space don’t matter. It simply needs to feel safe and welcoming. A place where you can simply be you and get a little distance from everything else. A word of caution here – sanctuaries are intended to provide respite. If you stay in your safe space for too long, it becomes a prison.

 

During divorce, allow your support system to be your scaffolding, buttressing you until you can again stand tall on your own.

How Do You Know When You’re Ready For a New Relationship After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“You have to wait one month for each year you were married.”

 

“It’s like riding a horse. The sooner you get back in the saddle, the better.”

 

“After divorce, you must stay single for at least two years to truly find yourself.”

I heard it all after my husband left. Yet none of it really felt right to me. I knew I wasn’t ready to start a new relationship immediately. Even the thought made me feel a bit ill. At the same time, some trite and trivial timeline didn’t resonate either. Who was to say that I didn’t need more than a month for every year or that I would be ready far sooner than the two-year mark?

The truth is that the time needed after divorce before entering a new relationship is different for everyone and, this is the important part, only you know when you are truly ready.

You’re ready to enter into a new relationship when…

You’re not involved with somebody to spite your ex or in an effort to ignite jealousy.

 

In a moment of divorce-induced insanity, I had a notion of bringing the guy I was dating to the courthouse on the day of my legal dissolution. Luckily, my attorney was not insane and she put her foot down. My reasons for wanting him there were twofold – I was scared to face my ex and I thought my new guy’s presence would help to shore up my courage and I wanted to show my ex (who not only committed adultery, but also bigamy), that I could get somebody else.

That inclination on my part was a sure sign that I was not ready to date. In order to have a chance, a new relationship must be established independent of any previous ones. If it only exists to show vengeance or in an attempt to stir up feelings of regret and envy in your ex, it is more farce than partnership.

 

You’re not trying to replace your ex and you’re not caught up in comparing.

 

After divorce, you face an ex-shaped hole in your life. And it’s tempting to try to find someone who can fill that place exactly, like a custom-made puzzle piece. Not only is that impulse not fair your new potential partner, it’s also not fair to you. The divorce has changed you. Perhaps altered your ideas about what is important in a partner and what characteristics really don’t matter.

Rather than trying to find someone who matches what you had, identify what is important to you and which of those needs you want to be met by your partner and which can be met elsewhere. And once you’ve made that choice, refrain from comparing. It only brings with it misery.

 

You’re able to acknowledge and address your part in your marriage’s struggles.

 

Oh, did this used to make me mad! I was furious when others implied that I needed to accept my part when my ex was so obviously the “bad guy” in the marriage. But what I eventually realized that I may not have been responsible for the end of the marriage (and certainly not for all of the betrayals within), but I did play a role in the particular dynamics that allowed the malignant culture to grow. And until I was ready to accept that and address those traits (hello, conflict avoidance!) within myself, I wasn’t ready to try again.

Divorce provides you with the gift of perspective, and although it’s a gift too late to use for your first marriage, it’s one that can carry over. It usually takes some time and some distance for the emotions to fade enough that you can take a pragmatic view of your marriage and its particular dynamics. Take the time to learn how you behave and how you respond in relationships. If there are issues, address them now before you end up replaying them with someone else.

 

You’re able to manage your own emotions and triggers.

 

I was looking forward to moving into my own apartment (after living with a friend for a year) when I received the news that my ex hadn’t paid the utility bills, leaving me scrambling to find another $1,200 before I could finally start me independent life. Livid and panicked, I pulled into my boyfriend’s driveway. He took one look at me, cleared the floor around the heavy bag hanging in his garage, strapped the gloves on me and started a Tool playlist before heading upstairs.

Later, he wisely told me that if we were going to make it, I would have to get a handle on my anger. He was right. So I did and we did, marrying a few years later.

Before you are ready for a new relationship, you have to learn how to recognize and address your over-the-top emotions. Take yoga, pick up running or a pen or maybe find a therapist. Take ownership of your feelings and responsibility for their management.

 

You’re not looking for a savior or for a “perfect” relationship.

 

“You poor thing,” he said, wrapping me in his arms. “You deserve someone who will take care of you.” And at first, the offer of basically being a kept woman sounded good after all of the stress following years of financial infidelity and the limitations of the family court system. But upon second thought, I felt a horror at allowing myself to be controlled again. Because that’s what saviors do – they rescue you from one circumstance only to trap you in another.

Likewise, it’s easy to blame your divorce solely on picking the wrong person. And to become convinced that once you have the “right” person, everything will fall into place without any problems. Ever.

Newsflash. There are no perfect people or perfect marriages. It begins with choosing wisely. But that’s just the beginning.

Perfection and white knights only live in fairy tales. And you live in the real world.

 

You’re not lonely and you’re ready to take the risk of being vulnerable.

 

Loneliness is born more from our internal view and external reactions than from the people we have around us. When we are lonely, we are guarded, protected. Afraid of being seen and also miserable being isolated. If we enter into a relationship while in a state of loneliness, we set the stage for either grasping onto the other person in desperation or continuing to feel alone because of a fear of being vulnerable.

There’s wisdom behind the advice warning against viewing relationships are making you “whole” and the same concept applies to needing a relationship in order to not feel lonely. The phrase, “finding yourself” is perhaps somewhat corny, but it does apply here. You have to be okay with you and only you before you’re ready to welcome another.

Besides, loneliness is a horrible matchmaker. It simply selects the first person it sees.

 

You’re making progress on healing even if you don’t consider yourself “healed.”

 

I have the somewhat controversial view that some parts of healing after divorce can only happen once you’re in a new relationship. It’s all well and good to work through mental exercises or journal entries on trust but until you are in the position of having to put your faith in a new partner, it’s all simply pretend.

Additionally, there is no marker in the sand that declares you “healed.” It’s not a point you can define or even recognize. So if you’re waiting for it before you enter into a new relationship, you could be waiting for a very long time.

Instead of setting a goal of being completely healed, set an intention of making progress. Of having more good days than bad ones. Of doing better at managing your emotions and communicating your feelings. Of taking responsibility for your own stuff and making an effort to understand and address it.

 

You’re past the post-divorce mania stage and yet you’re excited about the possibilities the future holds.

 

There’s a common reaction after divorce that takes many people by surprise. It characterized by a sudden uptick in energy, an overwhelming optimism and a youthful, even careless, approach to life. I call this the post-divorce mania stage. It can be fun, but it’s also fleeting and irrational and certainly not a time to commit to a new relationship.

But that morning when you finally wake up excited yet rational, cautiously hopeful for the new day and the opportunities in love it may provide, that’s when you know you’re ready for a new relationship. Don’t forget what you’ve learned in the meantime.

Is It Time For You To Quit One Of These Self-Appointed Jobs After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Prior to divorce, one of your predominate life roles is that of “husband” or “wife.” And once that position is pulled from you, it leaves a job opening that is often filled with a self-appointed role that ultimately causes more harm than good. Is it time for you to quit one (or more) of these post-divorce jobs?

Detective

In my day job, I was a math teacher, educating teenagers on how to find x. In my evenings, I dedicated myself to finding my ex so that he could face the legal repercussions of his illegal activities. Through a combination of triangulation based on account activity and Google Earth, I was able to deliver an accurate address to the police.

In the beginning, this cyber sleuthing had a purpose. Yet even once he was located and his illegal actions verified, I had trouble letting go of my new-found investigative skills. The searching felt purposeful, the details, important. By focusing on assembling information, I was able to distract myself from what I was feeling.

I decided to put in my letter of resignation for my detective role on the day after the divorce was final. I did one last search, cleared my browser history and packed away all of the accumulated paperwork. His whereabouts and activities were no longer any of my concern.

Psychiatrist

It didn’t make any sense to me. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around how my vowed protector had morphed into my persecutor, seemingly overnight. The only way that it made sense to me was if he embodied some sort of monster archetype, only described in modern psychiatric terms.

I reflected upon his childhood. I considered his traits and innate responses to stress. I carefully matched his characteristics against those that define various personality disorders until I settled on the label of sociopath. The non-violent type, as far as I knew.

For a time, I found peace in my amateur diagnosis. It was a way of finding some sense of control. By naming it, I found some dominion over it. But then memories, good memories, starting bubbling up to the surface. And I couldn’t integrate those with my current image of him. So I let go of the labels, and instead tried to see him as an imperfect man, flawed as we all are, and more a stranger to me than I knew.

Advice Columnist

Many of my coaching clients have unwittingly assumed the role of advice-giver and confidant with their exes. In the marriage, they were the competent ones, the ones who knew how to get stuff done.  And their ex partners? Let’s just say they were content with having someone else take the reins.

And even once the households were divided, the struggling ones turn to their exes for advice and assistance and the more adept ones find themselves in the position of caretaker and organizer. In some ways, it’s a mutually beneficial relationship – one person gets their needs met and the other is able to maintain a sense of control and feels as though they are needed. On the other hand, this one-way exchange keeps both people tied to the past, limiting autonomy and promoting an unhealthy dependence.

In a marriage, it’s natural to turn to your spouse for advice and to voice your opinion freely to your spouse. But after a split, the advice-giving is best done by someone else. It’s okay to step back and let your ex manage – or even mismanage – his or her own life. They are no longer your responsibility.

Medical Examiner

My marriage died a sudden death. And I had a driving need to understand why. I had no ex husband willing to talk, so I had to perform the marital post mortem with only the impression of the body remaining.

I was convinced that the only way I could obtain closure and be able to move on was if I could follow the precursors to the demise step-by-step. I examined and assembled clues like puzzle pieces. I developed theories, some more plausible than others.

It was strange, in my pursuit of the “truth,” I began to realize that the actual facts mattered less than the narrative I crafted around them. I eventually settled on an explanation that helped me forgive and let go. And only then did the drive to dissect the past fade.

Prison Warden

Divorce is scary and disorienting. Nothing is certain, everything is in question. I often hear from people that respond to this frightening period with absolutes- “I am never going to trust again,” “I am never going to let anybody in again,” “I just can’t do this.”

They are acting as sentry, building walls and posting guards around the uncertainties of life. They seek to control all that enters and prevent any unauthorized exits. For the prison warden, the rules are rigid, the mind always watchful and the expectations have been constructed around the idea that everyone is disreputable.

Being a guard against life is not only exhausting, it’s doomed to disappointment because it’s impossible to protect from all misfortune. By all means, be observant and alert. But you don’t have to wear the Kevlar vest just to live your life.

Tabloid Journalist

“Can you believe what he did now?” I asked my coworker after informing her of my ex’s latest shenanigans. The news brought her some entertainment and distraction from work and sharing it made me feel important. Of course, in order to maintain interest, the news always has to be fresh and ideally, each new story tops the last.

This self-appointed role combines the obsessiveness of the detective with a need for attention and validation. The salacious details are mined and then shared, followed by the reward of a shot of feel-good dopamine.

The tabloid journalist requires drama to survive. Even if they are not directly manufacturing it, they are elevating it through attention and energy. It feels boring at first, turning away from the revelatory details. But it soon becomes freeing as you realize you are not dependent upon “likes” for your friendships and you have time and energy to dedicate to more advantageous pursuits.

Defense Attorney

For almost a year, I carried a printout of my ex’s mug shot and associated newspaper article. Whenever I would have to deal with somebody about a delinquent account or talk to another attorney, I would present them with the paper. It was my clumsy attempt at saying, “I’m innocent. He’s the one who did this! Please don’t judge me.”

Part of my drive to proclaim my innocence came from my ex’s attempts at gaslighting. He had engaged in some extensive character assassination behind my back while we were married, spinning horrific (and quite creative) falsehoods about me. And so I became obsessed about trying to clear my name and restore my reputation.

Eventually, I realized that those who knew me didn’t need my evidence of innocence, they had faith in me regardless. Those that had been fed a steady diet of lies by my ex were unswayable and so were not worth my efforts. And the relative strangers that I was so determined to convince? They didn’t really care whose “fault” things were, they were just doing a job.

 

Take an honest inventory of the roles you’ve assumed after your divorce – are they serving you or is time to quit and move on to a new line of work?