What Forgiveness Is (and What it is Not)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The dictionary defines forgiveness as:

(to) stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

But that doesn’t even come close to capturing the strong emotion and indignant protest that the term often evokes.

For forgiveness to even be a concern, it means that you have been hurt. Perhaps badly. Wronged. Perhaps repeatedly and intentionally. And it feels erroneous to forgive. Unfair. As though we were victimized once and are now being asked to do it again as we offer an olive branch of amnesty instead of sticking that branch where the sun don’t shine.

But don’t worry.

I’m not asking you to forgive.

I’m simply asking you to reconsider what it means to forgive.

And what you do with that is up to you.

Forgiveness is … freedom.

When we hold on to anger or resentment, it binds us to the past. It allows what happened to us to define us and limits our future. Forgiveness is freedom; it is the release from the shackles that anchor you. It is a lightness. A sense of peace.

Forgiveness is not … a pardon.

Forgiveness does not mean that you give someone a free pass. The choices that your assailant made are his or her own burden. When you forgive, you do not relieve them of their liability; you release your encumbrance.

Forgiveness is … acceptance.

It’s natural to turn away from pain. It’s normal to try to rationalize and minimize the bad that has happened to us. Forgiveness requires facing the truth. Seeing the truth. And accepting the truth.

Forgiveness is not … approval.

Accepting what happened does not come with a stamp of approval. You can forgive even while you renounce the choices that were made and the actions that were carried out.

Forgiveness is … acknowledgement.

Forgiveness means that you recognize what happened. You face the reality and address the fallout. You don’t deny the impact and you acknowledge the suffering.

Forgiveness is not … allowance.

You do not have to allow the suffering to continue in order to forgive. You can forgive someone and still remove them your life. You do not have to allow the pain to continue.

Forgiveness is … independent.

Forgiveness requires no one other than yourself. You possess everything you need to forgive the one who wronged you.

Forgiveness is not … dependent upon apology.

Your abuser may never offer condolences. Don’t make the mistake of attaching your well-being to something you cannot control. You can forgive even if the desired apology never comes. Here’s how.

Forgiveness is … letting go.

Quitting is out of fear. Letting go is born from acceptance. Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the anger. Of the resentment. Of the need for retribution and revenge.

Forgiveness is not … letting them off the hook.

Letting go of the anger does not mean you relieve them of any consequence. You can forgive and still file a police report. You can forgive and still allow bad decisions to catch up. You can forgive and let karma take care of the rest.

Forgiveness is … taking responsibility.

Forgiveness is taking responsibility for your own happiness. It is refusing to stay a victim and making the effort to regain confidence and control in your own life.

Forgiveness is not … assuming culpability.

There is a difference between taking responsibility for your own actions and taking the blame for someone else’s. When you forgive, you are not assuming the culpability for your assailant’s actions. That’s on them. And how you choose to respond is on you.

Forgiveness is … reached when you are ready.

Forgiveness comes in slowly. It seems impossible until one day, it’s not. It is a process, not a switch.

Forgiveness is not … performed upon demand.

“Will you forgive me?” never works. It comes from a place of assuaging guilt whereas forgiveness comes from within as a means of releasing anguish.

Forgiveness is … quiet agreement.

You can forgive and never tell a soul. Forgiveness is for you. It is an agreement you make with yourself and chose to carry out in your thoughts and actions.

Forgiveness is not … a public announcement.

Forgiveness can exist in silence. It can be found in avoidance. You have no obligation to tell the person who wronged you that you have found peace.

Forgiveness is … a personal choice.

Forgiveness is a option. One choice of many. You may decide to take that route now. Or maybe it waits until later or later never comes. It’s one of the few things you can control about what happened to you.

Forgiveness is not … a requirement.

You do not have to forgive. Many never do and find another way to continue on. Shrug off the “shoulds” and listen to what you want for you.

Forgiveness is … transforming the future.

Forgiveness is not … changing the past.

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself rather than an offering to your assailant.

And it’s a gift you have to procure for yourself.

Want to forgive and not sure how? Read Forgiveness 101. 

Want another perspective? Read When You Shouldn’t Forgive.

Out With the Old; In With the New

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When my parents divorced, my mom elected to stay in the house so that I could continue to live in the same neighborhood and attend the same school. It may have been the same house, but it sure experienced a transformation after my dad moved out. The dark wood was painted white. Old wallpaper was removed and replaced with pastel print. Out went the heavy and masculine and in came the flowers and fancy scrollwork. When pink floral pillows were placed on the pale blue sofa, I think I even made the comment, “It looks like Laura Ashley threw up in here.”

At the time, the redecoration seemed a bit extreme to me. I didn’t comprehend the obsession with change or the drive to find the perfect painting. I didn’t understand it then. But I do now.

My situation was different than my mom’s. I left the marital house behind along with everything it contained. For a year, redecorating was the furthest thing from my mind as I lived in a rented room with borrowed supplies. That green flannel comforter may not have to my taste, but it soaked up my tears without complaint.

That spring, I was looking forward to moving into my new space, an apartment down the road from my new boyfriend.

And that’s when the decorating bug hit. I fell in lust with a colorful woven throw from Cost Plus and, after much debate, purchased it even though I did not yet have a place to put it (or even the funds to buy it). I soon started making lists (and spreadsheets) of what I wanted to fill my new space. My list had to be practical; when you don’t even own a towel, you can’t spend too much money on decorations. But it was still my list. My space.

And, like my mom many years before, I grew obsessed. My status had changed. My heart had changed. My life had changed.

And my home needed to reflect that change.

Even though I had loved the oversized, dark furniture in my old home, I gravitated towards smaller-scale white pieces this time around. I introduced some floral prints, although not quite to the Laura Ashley puke standard.

It was sparse. It was clean. It was new.

It was uncluttered of stuff and of memories.

And it was mine.

 

Change begets change.

And divorce begets redecorating.

Whether it be our homes, our hair, our wardrobes or our lives.

Out with the old and in with the new.

When the Affair is the Beginning

Posted on by stilllearning2b
affair

An affair is not an uncommon start to a new relationship. What begins as an illicit dalliance becomes legitimized as marriages are ended and secrets are brought into the open. Affairs bring out strong emotions. For those (like myself) who have been betrayed, we are angry and devastated. For those experiencing the intensity of forbidden lust or love, they may feel the excitement of the newness, the guilt of the deception and the fear of being caught.

But sometimes it’s best to step back from the emotion and cast a rational eye on a situation. What really are the chances of a relationship that starts with an affair going the distance? What are some of the particular challenges that face relationships that begin with infidelity? So let’s set the emotion aside for a moment and examine issues that occur when an affair is the beginning:

Togetherness Negotiation is Delayed

One of the trickiest areas for a relationship to navigate is the expectations for the amount of time the couple will spend together and the amount of time that will be spent apart. In infidelity, like with a long-distance relationship, this negotiation is delayed due to external pressures limiting the time spent together. As a result, although the affair may have continued for some time, there may be incompatibility in this basic area.

An Unrealistic Picture of Sexual Chemistry is Developed

There is a connection between fear, novelty and sexual excitement. Affairs are risky, a new partner is unfamiliar and  the result can be sexually explosive. But when the newness is gone and the excitement has faded? You may find that the reason that your paramour isn’t really the reason for your newfound sexual awakening.

It’s Difficult to Trust a Liar

If your partner is married, you enter into the relationship knowing that he or she is able to maintain a life of deception. If you’re cheating, your lover knows the same about you. That’s a heavy load to carry. Building trust is always difficult and it becomes an even greater struggle when you know they are not always honest. After all, if he or she will cheat with you, who is to say they won’t cheat on you?

Lack of Support From Friends and Family

Recent research suggests that the strongest marriages begin with an inexpensive wedding filled with lots of guests. That’s because the community around the relationship helps to buttress the marriage, providing additional strength and support. But when the relationship is one born from infidelity, the support will be later and most likely, lesser.

The Relationship Timeline is Influenced by Outside Forces

The affair is artificially kept in the infancy of a relationship, unable to fully mature due to the limitations of secrecy. It may move too slowly at times only to be artificially accelerated when circumstances allow. Forward progress may be delayed while one or both partners attempt to extricate themselves from their marriage. The affair does not have the freedom to evolve on its own timeline; it is squeezed by the pressures which surround it.

Energy is Divided

It takes energy to build a new relationship. Lots of energy. And when some of that attention is still turned to a marriage, it leaves the new relationship starved for care and primed for the pursuer-distancer dance. When the affair partner is present, he or she is primary. Yet, due to the presence of another family, out of sight is often out of mind. And it’s difficult to build a future with someone who is still entrenched in their past.

 

It’s not impossible for a long-term, happy relationship to emerge from infidelity.

But it’s also not easy.

 

No relationship is a fairy tale.

No partner is perfect.

Every romance takes effort.

And running away doesn’t solve anything.

After all, the grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time Travel and the Road to Acceptance

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We enjoyed a little “date afternoon” Saturday as a way to extend the holiday and break up the monotony of post-camping laundry. We were both in complete agreement about the move for the day – Mockingjay Part I, which Brock calls the “Star Wars for the next generation.” It’s such a universal story – the struggle for independence and the fight against oppression – and The Hunger Games tells it beautifully.

One of the previews was for a movie where a group of young people (oh my goodness, I sound old!) used a small time machine to go back and tweak their pasts, which of course led to all kinds of drama and unintended consequences. It felt like a mash-up of Back to the Future and The Butterfly Effect as it featured the entertaining allure of time travel as well as warning about the potential repercussions.

As the preview was playing, I found myself contemplating what I would do with unfettered access to a time machine. Not surprisingly, my thoughts centered around my ex:

Would I go back and ignore him when we first became friends at the Kerrville Folk Festival in 1992? Flashes of all the wonderful times we shared followed and missing out on that was not a choice I wanted to make.

How about leaving that relationship in my childhood and remaining in Texas when he moved to Atlanta in 1998? I thought about how much I now love Atlanta and consider it home and how much I would have missed out on.

I next focused on the money. After all, I gained nothing by being ignorant of his marital embezzlement and going back and stopping the hemorrhaging of my money could only have a positive impact, right? But even that left a sour taste in my mouth. Losing everything made be stronger and more grateful; I wouldn’t have had that lesson if I still had a cushion.

Ultimately, I decided that I would not change a thing. I am happy where I am and I could not be here without going through the rest. I’m sure some of my conclusion is from my brain’s self-protective mechanisms – justifying past decisions and weighing known losses as costlier than imagined ones. But some is also from the acknowledgement that struggle is what makes us strong and experiences really do build character.

On the way home from the theater, I posited the time machine question to Brock:

“I’m happy where I am, so I wouldn’t change anything. Oh, except I would go back two days and win the lottery.”

I smiled.

Eleven Traps That Hold You Back After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
hold back divorce

The journey back to life after divorce is a tricky one. You’re depleted and overwhelmed and simply ready for things to hurry up and get back to normal already. It’s easy to feel stuck, trapped between your life and the life you wish to create. When you become aware of these snares, you are better able to disengage and find the freedom to move forward.

Feeling stuck?

The following are common traps that can hold you back after divorce:

Sadness

Divorce is the end of the life you had. It is the death of the marriage and of the shared dreams. It may mean significant changes in family and in lifestyle. It’s natural to mourn. To grieve. You have suffered a major loss.

Sadness becomes a trap when you try to avoid it. When you sense the oncoming tears and instead of letting them flow, you turn away and try to deny their existence. The sorrow only builds when you ignore it, the weight of it holding you down. The only way to relieve sadness is to feel it, acknowledge it and let it flow through you.

Feeling sad?

Guilt

Remorsefulness comes in many forms after divorce. You may feel guilty for not maintaining your vows, letting your spouse down or not providing the life you had envisioned for your children. Or maybe you even feel guilty because you let yourself down, staying in a situation you swore you would never tolerate.

Guilt has a productive purpose; it guides our actions and acts as a warning light for unethical choices. But sometimes there’s a short in the system, the alarm sounding even when no intentional wrongs have been committed. Consider your actions truthfully. If you owe any apologies, deliver them with sincerity (don’t forget to send one to yourself) and then let the guilt go, as it has served its purpose.

Why

Even when the world responds otherwise, we often possess an innate sense of fairness. Of balance between our intentions and our experiences. When divorce happens, especially if it is a particularly brutal divorce that leaves you feeling victimized and battered, it is natural to question “why?”

At first, exploring the “why” feels like an escape. It distracts from the pain and activates a more rational and aware part of the brain. But “why” is a deceptively sneaky trap. We convince ourselves that once we understand, we will be okay.  But no amount of information can relieve the pain. At some point, you have to accept that you won’t know everything and that you can move on regardless.

Vengeance

When we are in pain, we often want to last out. When others harm us, we want them to experience the same suffering. We hold onto our anger like a shield, the sheer power of it enough to protect our delicate selves beneath. We want our perceived persecutor to face consequences. After all, it’s only fair.

The need for revenge is a brutal trap. While your attention is filled with negative thoughts about your ex, you neglect to care for yourself. When you are filled with rage, you end up being singed. And when you base your well-being on someone else’s downfall? Well, that’s just not good karma.

Here’s the truth: You can move on even if justice as you see it is never served. Besides while you’re waiting for the desired punishment to be meted out, who is really the one held in prison?

Feeling angry?

Loneliness

If you have lost a spouse that you shared many years and many memories with, the forfeiture of the shared history is ruthless. The sudden void is cavernous, the shock of the missing person all-encompassing like the cold air on your goose-pimpled flesh as the water drains out of the bath.

It’s a scary place to be, where two split back into ones. You may feel rejected. Isolated from your former life. Alone against the world. It hurts. But at some point loneliness is a choice. It is up to you to fill your life back up with friends and memories. You have to get up and get out to be connected.

Feeling alone?

Permanence

We have this way of believing that the way things are now is the way they will always be. But everything changes. Even suffering.  The way you feel now is not the way you will feel next year. Or next week. Or even tomorrow.

Divorce is a time when you have to rewrite your life’s plans. But it’s the start of a new chapter, not the end of the story. New beginnings are brimming with possibilities. See them.

Feeling hopeless?

Worthiness

When we have been rejected, we often internalize the message, assuming that if it happened to us, it must have happened because of us.  We may see ourselves as broken, and either seek out rescuers and fixers or conclude that we are unworthy of love and compassion. We may view our mistakes as fatal character flaws that render us useless.

Divorce is an enormous blow to our self-image and confidence. And it can also help to build us back up as we complete steps we never thought we were capable of. Be mindful of the thoughts you allow about yourself and be deliberate with your personal narrative. After all, the words we say to others have influence. But the words we say to ourselves have power. You are worthy. Say it. Believe it. Live it.

Fear

While some may respond to the fear of divorce by fighting, others may freeze in place, scared that if they move, they will be targeted yet again. Still others may run, seeking to avoid facing the truth of the end of the marriage and the carnage left behind.

When we allow fear to drive our lives, we are limiting ourselves. It may feel like living, but it is only a facsimile bounded by self-imposed rules and boundaries. It’s scary taking that leap of faith from what you knew into the abyss of possibility. But that risk may be preferable to the limitations imposed by apprehension. Don’t let fear be your chauffeur; drive your own life.

Feeling scared?

Super-Parent

If you are in the position of assuming primary (or only) care for the children, it is all too easy to feel great pressure to mitigate the impact of the divorce by being a super-parent. I see parents who feel guilty for the effects of the divorce and overcompensate by being too permissive with their kids. I see parents who feel guilty about the void created by divorce who strove to fill it by any means necessary.

But most of all I see parents who are overwhelmed and overworked, assuming the entirety of the burden of childcare and decision-making. They become all-mom or all-dad and lose themselves in the process as they place their children’s needs first. This is a tricky trap. Your kids need you. But they also need you to be you. Wholly you.

Give yourself permission to be a good enough parent rather than a perfect parent. Focus on what matters and be willing to release the details that really don’t. Seek out support and guidance from others. And make sure to take care of yourself too.

Preservation

This is the trap of “I will never let myself be hurt again,” the walls that prevent any weaknesses from showing. That protect any vulnerabilities.  This trap is often rife with justifications of why it is better to be alone than to risk being hurt.

Consider this: If you are focused on preserving, how much are you enjoying? If you only think about protection, do you ever experience enjoyment? Life is meant to be lived, not secured under glass.

What If

This trap ensnares you with thought tendrils that wind around your brain, whispering about possible actions and outcomes whose time has already passed. The “what if” trap is a maze with no exit, a circuitous path that never ends.

When you spend your energy wondering about what could have happened, you give the past power to rob the future of its potential. Instead of “what if,” try “what now” and focus on what is yet to come.

When will I feel better?