After Divorce: Is This Your New Normal?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In response to my video, The Three Things I Hated to Hear During Divorce, one reader shared her pet-peeve phrase about adjusting to life after a break up – “It’s your new normal.”

And even though that phrase didn’t make my hair stand on end, I could understand her ire. After all, nothing about life after the apocalypse of an unwanted divorce feels normal. And the last thing you want to do is to accept it as such.

 

New: not existing before; unfamiliar

Normal: typical, expected

 

Which makes a “new normal” a bit of an oxymoron.

 

Because of the particularly large blast radius of divorce, there is little left untouched. Not only are you dealing with the end of a relationship with your spouse, you are also navigating major changes with your children, your family, your friends and even the dry cleaner. Your living arrangements have been altered and you may even find yourself without a home to call your own. Items which once were sentimental or at least innocuous have become landmines of emotion, ready to detonate at a moment’s notice. Your emotions feel more out of control than they did during your teenage years; you never know when you’re going to be struck down by tears or irradiated with red-hot rage. This, alongside the sleep difficulties, means that tasks that once seemed simple now feel overwhelming and impossible.

On the surface, things may look normal. You manage to maintain your appearance, only the changes in your weight and the dark circles residing under your eyes belying the hidden pain. You go through the motions of life, taking the kids to school, clocking in at the office, even managing to fill your grocery cart with appropriate food items. Yet even though much of it is the same, it feels as though it has been rotated 90° from normal, like some dystopian world that only bears passing resemblance to our own. It’s an alien world and one which you received no training in how to navigate.

As you stumble through, your brain releases a steady drumbeat of protest –

“This isn’t fair.”

“This shouldn’t be happening.”

“This isn’t what I planned.”

“How could they do this to me/us?”

“Will I ever be okay again?”

And perhaps the scariest one of all…

“Is this it? Is THIS my new normal?”

 

Well, yes.

And no.

Some of the post-divorce changes may indeed be permanent. Your relationship with your ex-spouse will never return to the way it was. Likewise with your in-laws and with certain friends or friend groups. Your parenting role will be different and you will have to help your children negotiate life with divorced parents. Your financial well-being may be diminished for a time or even forever. And no matter what the future holds, this experience will always be a major chapter in your life story.

Yet these changes, even the difficult ones, will no longer be so foreign, so unfamiliar. Much like how you learn to navigate a darkened space once you’ve spent time in a home, you will no longer see this life as strange and foreboding. It just is.

The new has become the normal.

 

But that’s not the whole story.

You’ve adapted, become accustomed. You’ve accepted those things you cannot alter.

Now it’s time to modify what you can in order to create what you want.

Consider that darkened room. At first, it was a new space and all you could do was stumble through until you finally became adept at navigating through the furniture. There are some things about that room that are fixed, unchangeable. But within those walls, you have endless freedom to shape a space you love.

And at first, that will feel strange. You will stumble. Maybe even trip and fall. And then, over time, that will become your new normal. And a better one that you found yourself before.

 

New normal doesn’t mean that change cannot occur. It is not a place of settling or giving up. And it’s now a place you have to stay forever. New normal is a baseline, a platform where you can acclimate and adjust.

So, yes. Maybe this is your new normal. And maybe that’s okay.

Take some time and get used to the space.

And then think about how you can make it better.

 

The concept of a “new normal” can have a dark side. Learn more about that here.

 

How NOT to Be a Victim (No Matter What Life Throws at You!)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Let me introduce you to the victim advocate,” offered the policeman who had arrested my husband the day before.

 

I stopped short. That was the first time that word – victim – had ever been applied to me. I certainly felt victimized. My partner of sixteen years had just abandoned me with a text message, stolen all of my money and then committed bigamy. Yet even though I was still in the acute phase of suffering, I startled at the application of the word “victim.”

 

Because even though I had been hurt, I did not want to see myself as a victim. Although it felt good for the pain and unfairness to be recognized, the term also made me feel minimized. That word embodied weakness in my mind and I wanted to feel powerful. It spoke of a lack of control and I wanted to be the one to drive my life.

 

I did not want to be a victim.

 

But for a time, I was.

 

In the beginning, I spoke about what was done to me. I looked for resolution and justice from outside sources, hoping for an apology from him and a conviction from the courts. I embraced my pain, feeling justified in holding on to it. Meanwhile, I demonized my ex, removing all semblance of humanity in my view of him.

 

There was a certain comfort in accepting a role as a victim. I garnered sympathy and commiseration from those around me. I had limited control and limited responsibility. But those same conditions that sheltered me also confined me.

 

As long as I saw myself as a victim, I would remain one. As long as I was limited by my past, I would remain a prisoner of what happened.

 

When the desired justice from the courts failed to appear and the hoped-for apology never came, I was left with a decision to make: I could either bemoan the circumstances or I could change my response.

 

I chose the latter.

 

I used the following ideas to help shed the guise of victim and make myself the hero of my own life:

 

Rewrite Your Story

 

When we are harmed, we often feel powerless, as though we are simply being led through someone else’s story. One of the first steps to renouncing victimhood is to take control of your story. Rewrite it. Reframe it. Narrate it. Change the perspective. Take yourself out of the role of victim (done to me) and put yourself in the role of hero (I did…). Write it or tell it until you believe it.

 

Pick up a pen and write your happy ending.

 

Create Purpose

 

Whatever happened, happened. There is no changing the past. But you can use the past to create something better in the future. Find some anger about what occurred and use that as fuel to drive you to create something better. Look around and see others suffering and use your experience to render aide. Use your rock bottom as a foundation for your life’s purpose.

 

You have the power to create something wonderful out of something terrible.

 

Make Changes

 

When unwanted change is thrust upon our lives, it’s easy to feel hopeless. Learn to recognize the potential hidden within and use the opportunity of uncertainty to create change of your choosing. There is no better time to release what no longer serves you and to embrace new beginnings.

 

When you’re rebuilding your life from the ground up, you have the power of choice and the wisdom of experience. That’s a powerful pair.

 

Find Gratitude

 

One of the powerful and difficult exercises that can empower the victimized is practicing radical gratitude. Face what has caused you the greatest pain, the most suffering, and write down why you are grateful for it. It is an amazing reminder of how much our thoughts rather than our circumstances are responsible for our happiness.

 

When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift.

 

 

You are only a victim if you imprison yourself. Release yourself from the shackles of your past and let your spirit soar.

 

 

 

Share Your Successes

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In many ways, 2017 has been a rough year for me. I lost my best buddy, Tiger, years before his time. I’ve had a challenging time finding balance with work, especially when I expected year two to be less overwhelming. As a result of my work schedule, I’ve felt a strange mix of over-extended for an introvert and yet also lonely, as I haven’t had time to connect enough with friends.  I’ve had several people close to me experience challenging times, major crises and unimaginable loss. I’ve both grieved with them and hurt for them. I reached a milestone birthday (forty) and even though the age doesn’t bother me, my body will no longer accept the same amount of training I have done in the past.

But of course, that’s not the whole story.

There have been successes alongside the harder times. My husband and I have grown stronger together and we leaned on each other through our grief over Tiger. I’ve been honored to be recognized as a teacher of the year and the top contributor for DivorceForce. I was able to go on a trip I’d dreamed about for twenty years and meet up with a friend I hadn’t seen in twenty years for another trip. I’ve made new friends (no easy task for an overworked introvert). I reached my summer goal of writing a second book and I feel good about its message. I continue to do better with staying mindful and less anxious. And I’m ending the year experiencing success with the selection of and training a new puppy.

And that’s how life goes.

The downs follow the ups and the summits don’t last forever. The triumphs blend through the struggles like the veins in a slab of granite. And the good times sometimes turn out to be bad and upon further reflection, the bad is sometimes revealed to be good.

So as we close out this year that’s been both awful and excellent, I ask for you to take a moment and share your successes here. Maybe it’s something you’ve survived that you believed you couldn’t. Maybe you’ve made progress towards a goal. Or perhaps you’ve done something that has helped to improve the life of another. No matter how small in number or scale, no matter how much this year may have sucked for you, you HAVE achieved something.

Share it. Celebrate it.

End this year on a positive and hopeful note.

Maybe, just maybe, the best is yet to come.

Five Surprising Ways Trust is Frayed

Posted on by stilllearning2b
trust

There are some actions whose impact on trust is obvious and catastrophic. Infidelity, sudden abuse, revealing or withholding important information and financial betrayal all sever the ties of emotional security with one brutal slash.

Yet many times, the erosion of trust is much more subtle and the belief in your partner happens slowly, one frayed stand of reilance at a time. It’s possible (and even common) for neither partner to realize the deleterious and compounding effect of these actions; they remain unnoticed until it becomes too late and trust may be beyond recovery.

Learn to recognize these crafty threats to trust so that you can address them before it’s too late:

 

1 – Not Showing Excitement

Ask any dog guardian about their favorite part about having a dog, and you will most likely hear something about how good it feels to be greeted every time with a wagging tail. Likewise, we want our partners to be excited to see us, no matter if we just returned from a month away or just walked in from a stroll around the block. A lackluster welcome can begin to make your presence feel unnoticed or even unwanted.

Apart from enthusiastic greetings, we want our partners to share in our successes. When we have reached some goal or garnered some praise, we want them to share in our sense of achievement. When we initiate a conversation with excitement and that energy is not returned, it is a feeling of trying to play tennis with a partner who refuses to return the serve.

Over time, you may begin to withhold your good news, refrain from sharing your passion, deciding that it’s less painful to celebrate alone than to have your smile countered with a shrug.

 

2 – Disappointment

Sometime disappointment comes from a person who deliberately fails to follow through on their promises. Their words soon become meaningless as their actions never manifest. You begin to expect that they won’t do as they say and you find yourself surprised when the behavior matches the claim.

Other times, the intention of the promise-maker is good and the lack of follow-through is more sporadic. Strangely, this situation is often more painful and causes more damage to trust than the first case, because the intermittent rewards keep you hoping for the desired outcome.

Especially if you have experienced major betrayal, these disappointments can register at a larger magnitude than they actually are. Furthermore, past injuries may encourage you to assume intent where there is only carelessness.

 

3 – Overreacting

We expect (and rightfully so) our partners to be our “safe space.” We want to be able to express our inner worries and reveal even our ugliest thoughts without the fear of being ridiculed or rejected. And if name-calling commences or the tone turns abusive, the impact on trust is overt and clear.

Yet the damaging impact to trust can occur even without a negative word uttered or a thought belittled. When every reaction to a statement is over-the-top, a five-alarm response to a two-alarm fire, your partner shifts from your safe space to someone you feel you have to keep safe from your thoughts and feelings.

Part of trust comes from consistency. And when you’re unsure how your partner is going to respond in a given moment or to a given piece of information, faith can be replaced with a sense of unease and wariness.

 

 

4 – Dismissing

When your perceptions and conclusions are constantly called into question or continually brushed aside as inconsequential, you can begin to doubt yourself. This doubt and confusion can spread, permeating the relationship. Additionally, a continual disregard of your thoughts and opinions can easily lead you to conclude that you’re not that important to your partner.

There is a balance between overreacting and shrugging everything off as “not that bad.” Trust comes from listening to everything with an open mind and with a mouth that often remains closed.

 

5 – Not Showing Support

When you’re falling and you’ve been led to expect a safety net, the sudden appearance of hard ground will cause you to question the dependability of the person who pledged to have your back. This can be as minute as a late pickup without communication at the airport or not picking up the slack around the house when you’re under a deadline at work.

 

None of these are relationship deal-breakers on their own. They are not unforgivable offenses and, in most cases, no offense was meant by them. In each case, the underlying cause of the erosion of trust comes down to unexpressed expectations and poorly communicated reactions. And the road back to trust is relatively straight forward: Talk more. And assume less.

 

Five Healthy Ways to Fill the Void After Divorce (And What to Look Out For!)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s official – we’re actively looking for a new dog (or two!) to bring into our home after the sudden loss of Tiger. It’s not easy. Brock and I both are vacillating between wanting to claim a dog ASAP to bring life back into our home and canine love back into our hearts and hesitating because so far, none of them have felt quite right. Adding to that is the very real desire to want to save them all.

Brock ordered a likeness of Tiger made by Shelter Pups for my Christmas present.

It’s amazing.

Made by Shelter Pups.
The real deal.

 

It’s hard to think and act rationally when we’re feeling so emotional. We are trying to be deliberate and intentional in our decisions and yet we keep questioning our choices too. Are we saying “no” to a particular dog because they’re not the right fit or because they’re not Tiger? Are we really ready to welcome a new companion, or are we still seeking a way to plug the hole in our hearts?

As we’re navigating this, I keep finding myself thinking about the emptiness I felt after divorce. There was an impulse to stuff myself full of every opportunity to avoid feeling the loss. Sometimes, I was able to resist that pull to fill the void through imprudent and unhealthy means that would make me feel better in the moment, but not in the long run. And other times, I allowed myself to believe in the false promises whispered by certain practices, telling me that I could feel better immediately.

Here are five unhealthy ways to fill the void that we tend to gravitate towards after divorce and also five healthier ways to address the emptiness.  Do you relate to any of these?