How Could They Move On So Quickly?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
move on ex

My ex-husband certainly wasted no time. He didn’t even bother filing for divorce before he married his second (I’m assuming here; there could have been others) wife.

Among all of the myriad thoughts that crashed around my mind in the aftermath of the discovery, one kept popping back up to the surface,

“How could he move on so quickly?”

I just couldn’t understand how he could go from sixteen years with the same person to seemingly head-over-heels within weeks of meeting this new woman. Here he was celebrating his newfound love while I was still struggling to sleep through the night.

Of course, it was apples to oranges trying to equate my mental state at the time with his. For so many reasons, we were at different places when it came to our readiness for moving on.

The following are some of the reasons that your ex may have moved on (or appeared to move on) soon after your breakup:

 

They have pre-grieved the breakup.

In some situations, one person has known (or at least suspected) that the relationship is over long before it is pronounced terminal. In these cases, the one with the prior knowledge often begins grieving the end of the relationship months or even years before it is truly over. They may begin to withdraw, they might start to expand their social circle and hobbies to fill anticipated gaps and they have time to process the loss. They will be ready to move on before you are because they have been attending to the breakup for a longer period of time.

 

They want you to think they’ve moved on.

Sometimes moving on is an illusion, a play put on social media or spread through mutual acquaintances in an attempt to make you jealous or regretful. The urge is understandable, although childlike. It can be driven by a, “I’ll show them that I am desirable” attitude. Others try to appear moved on soon after the end of the relationship because they don’t want to be seen as “weak” by appearing affected by the breakup. These people are motivated by a need to be seen as strong.

 

They are afraid of being alone.

Some people hop from relationship to relationship like life is a rocky river crossing. They cannot stomach the thought of being alone and so they waste no time in lining up the next partner as soon as a relationship implodes. This is less “moving on” and more “grasping on;” they’ll hold onto anyone like a life raft. Learn more about the underlying issues that lead to a fear of being alone.

 

They are able to compartmentalize your relationship and the new one.

For many us, we cannot enter into a new relationship before we have fully dissected and processed the previous one. Others are able to keep those two processes more separate. It may be that your ex seems to be moving quickly because they are doing the often- invisible internal work concurrent with reentry to the dating scene.

 

They are using dating as a distraction.

Let’s face it, divorce sucks. And while you’re going through it, you’d rather think about anything else. For some, this distraction comes in the form of dating. Although this can look like they’re moved on, they’re are really using others as a bandaid to temporarily stop the pain. Early dating can also be motivated by the blow to confidence that often accompanies divorce; it’s good to feel wanted.

 

They started seeing this person before your relationship ended.

If your ex seems to have moved on quickly, it may be that they were having an affair during your relationship and now that your partnership has ended, the love interest is brought to the surface. Of course, this revelation brings with it it’s own set of problems. Betrayal is a uniquely piercing pain with long-ranging repercussions.

 

They met somebody who is a good fit for them at this point in their lives.

And here’s the hard one – maybe they have met somebody that is a good match for them. I know that can be difficult to stomach when you still might be wishing/hoping/believing that you’re that person. It’s important here to remember that not being the right person for them does not mean that you’re a bad person and it certainly does not mean that you’re not the right person for someone else. It simply means that your ex found a better match for them and now you have an opportunity to look for somebody better for you.

 

 

In my ex’s case, he knew that the end was approaching and so had time to process the divorce long before it happened. He was having affairs and so his other wife was lined up and ready to go. And, from what I learned, she was a good fit for him at the time – trusting, nomadic and in possession of a decent credit score.

In time, I no longer questioned how he could move on so quickly. Instead, I got busy with moving on myself with a sense of gratitude that she helped to take him out of my life and far away.

 

Moments of Vulnerability After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are things about divorce that nobody tells you ahead of time.

This is one of them.

Before my tsunami divorce, I felt like a capable adult.

After?

There were moments where I felt like a complete badass.

And moments where I felt like a weak and vulnerable child.

Those feelings of vulnerability have a tendency to pop up at the most unexpected times.

 

When Somebody Shows You Kindness

I felt a strange mixture of relief and vulnerability when I first talked to the officer that arrested my then-husband. Relief because I had somebody who knew what they were doing to take control for a bit. And vulnerability because his kindness revealed both how in need I was and helped prevent me from an “everybody sucks and I’m going to become a hermit” mentality.

For months, every act of kindness extended my way was met with tears. Of gratitude and also from a feeling of powerlessness. Because apparently I wasn’t as good as hiding my vulnerability and pain as I liked to think I was.

 

During an Uncontrolled Reaction to Something Small

Every time my phone would buzz, I would jump. I feared more bad news from the attorneys or police. I dreaded yet another fruitless and scary conversation with a creditor. And I secretly hoped it was my still-husband, full of apologies and regrets.

I hated the power that damn phone had over me. I wanted to be in control of my feelings and it was such a humbling admission that this little brick of metal and plastic had more sway with my emotions than I did.

 

When You’re Sick or Injured

It was just a run-of-the-mill stomach bug. But on top of feeling miserable, I felt completely helpless. Not only was my body useless, my mind was as well. And this time, I didn’t have my husband to lean on and act as my protector while I healed. More than ever before, I related to animals that hide in their burrows whenever they’re sick or injured. It’s simply too scary to face the world when you’re less than a hundred percent.

 

When You Need Help With a Task

It’s funny in hindsight. I was shoving things in my car to take them from my marital home turned mausoleum to the friend’s house where I would be staying. At one point, I needed three hands to both carry things, open a door and shoo away a pernicious yellow jacket.

Only there were no hands nearby to help.

I set down the things I was carrying with the intention of swatting at the insect and opening the door. Instead, I ended up sitting on my driveway (only it wasn’t really mine anymore) sobbing for the next several minutes. In that moment, everything seemed impossible.

 

When You Realize You’re Alone

It was just a stupid form.

Yet it was so much more.

“Emergency contact” stared back at me with accusing eyes, as though taunting me that I didn’t have anyone to put in the blank.

I could put in one of my parents, yet they both lived across the country, so that seemed somewhat silly. I could pencil in the friend I lived with, but she was completely overwhelmed with being the emergency contact for her new baby. I sifted through other friends, yet I kept picturing them confused when they received a call as my emergency contact. “Why did she pick me?” they would think.

And so I left it blank.

Realizing that ultimately, I had to take care of myself.

When You Meet Someone New

I was supposed to be happy.

And I was.

But I was also scared sh*tless.

Because if I developed feelings for this guy, it meant I would have to open up.

And if I opened up, I risked being hurt all over again.

But if I stayed curled up in my protective burrow, I knew I would never live again.

 

 

The Best Way to Get Over Someone?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s common advice –

 

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. 

 

And in many ways, this suggestion makes sense. After all, what better way to remind yourself that the one you lost is not the only one than to sample what is available? At the same time, like any advice, this strategy may not be right for you and could even compromise your healing process after divorce or a breakup.

Here’s what you may want to consider before following this advice:

 

The Pros of Getting Under Someone Else:

 

Reminds You That There is Life After Divorce

Divorce has an impressive talent for being all-consuming. It expands to fill every nook and crevice in your life, displacing many things that once brought you happiness or peace. The excitement and passion of a no-strings-attached encounter can remind you that a whole world of possibility still exists as your numbed and deadened tissues are sparked into life.

 

Makes You Feel Desirable

Especially if you were rejected, you may be feeling unlovable and undesirable. So when somebody suddenly wants you, it’s intoxicating. The experience can help you begin to see yourself in a new light – not as a broken and hurting person, but as a whole and appealing person.

 

Provides an Outlet for the Excess Energy

Divorce often results in a period of almost manic energy. It’s a mania frequently characterized by a need for action and compulsive thoughts and actions. A fling offers a welcome outlet for this energy, both physical and mental.

 

Acts as a Distraction

Much of the divorce process is positively soul-draining. It manages to be both scary and tedious as it drags on while threatening to take what little you have left. And there’s nothing like a little dalliance to take your mind off the latest email from the attorney or the fact that your ex is ignoring the divorce decree.

 

The Cons of Getting Under Someone Else:

 

Can Leave You Feeling Emptier and Lonelier

For a split section, all feels right with the world. You’re snuggling up against your fling, relaxed and happy. And then either they say something or you think something that causes you to remember that for all intents and purposes, they are a stranger. And sometimes that realization makes you feel more alone than if you had the entire bed to yourself.

 

May Lead to Guilt or Shame if Not Aligned to Values

Sometimes the sudden freedom and mania combine after divorce to make people do things they would never do under normal circumstances. Of course, these are not normal circumstances. On its own, this is not a problem. But if your actions do not align with your beliefs or values, you may be setting yourself up for a major guilt case of guilt or shame.

 

Healing Can Be Delayed or Confused

Healing is hard work. And for the most part, healing is an inside job. When all of your energy is focused outward, you may not have enough energy or willpower to do the real work of healing. Additionally, the initial high of a fling can lead you to believe that the solution to your heartbreak is found with another person. This often leads to a leapfrogging pattern, where you leap from one temporary relief to another.

 

You May End Up in Awkward or Even Dangerous Situations

After divorce or a breakup, your brain isn’t working very well. You may be more likely to engage in risky behaviors since you feel like you have nothing to lose. Furthermore, you may find that you’re inadvertently attracting people that are looking to use you or that become too attached too quickly. You’re vulnerable right now and that can lead to ending up in situations that get you in over your head.

 

All of that being said, do what’s right for you. And feel free to change your mind about what’s right at any moment. When it comes to life after divorce, few of us follow a rational and straight path as we leave the marriage and reenter the world. More often, we stumble around and end up making some poor decisions before we find what feels right.

And there’s no shame in those mistakes and missteps. You’re learning.

 

If you decide that getting under someone else is not the right move for you right now, but you’re still looking for an outlet for that energy that will also help to give your purpose and confidence, here’s my favorite strategy.

6 Ways to Reaffirm Yourself That Don’t Involve Dating

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are the good reasons to reenter the dating scene after divorce – you’re happy with your life and you’re looking for someone to share it with, you’ve gained wisdom from healing and you’re ready to put those lessons into action, after reflection and hard work you’re better in touch with want you want out of a relationship.

And there are the reasons that many of us begin dating again – we’re looking for distraction from the pain, our self-esteem has taken a beating and we’re seeking validation and finally a fear of being alone with our thoughts is prompting us to remain busy with others.

Sound familiar?

I know it does for me. As much as I tried to convince myself that I was dating for purely noble and mature reasons, the truth was actually much more cliched. I wanted to feel wanted, desired. Spending the evening with the man de jour was significantly more fun than spending that same time processing my grief in my journal.  And finally, as long as I had another date to look forward to on the calendar, I didn’t have to consider the very scary possibility that I would be alone forever.

And dating DID make me feel better. At least in the moment. Through the eyes of the men I met, I slowly began to reform the image I had of myself. I was able to begin to see my strengths again, instead of just my brokenness. I began to feel alive again. Hopeful, even, for the future that stretched out in front of me.

But dating is by no means the only – or even best – way to reach those milestones. In fact, here are six ways to reaffirm yourself that DON’T require dating:

 

1 – Travel Somewhere Alone

Travel is amazing. Solo travel is life-changing.

Traveling alone provides you with opportunities to get out of your head and ditch your typical life-script. Travel forces you out of your comfort zone and requires that you look at the world – and yourself – in a new light.

This doesn’t have to be any time-consuming or wallet-draining adventure. Even a day trip to a nearby and unfamiliar town can be enough to shake up your expectations and help you find what makes your soul sing.

 

2 – Invest in Your Appearance

With the depressed mood that frequently follows divorce, it’s easy to let the appearance slide. And we often don’t even think about addressing it again until there is someone that we’re hoping to impress.

But why wait? You don’t need a romantic interest within sight in order to pay attention to what makes you feel attractive. Why not dress to impress yourself?

 

3 – Focus on Learning a New Skill or Topic

We’re often our own worst enemy after divorce. We take up residence within our own heads and beat ourselves up for not being healed already. So why not turn that focus outward?

We’re often gentler with ourselves in the process of learning something new; we accept the process and the mistakes along the way. It can be a good reminder that we can be kind to ourselves even while we are working towards a challenging goal. As a bonus, as you begin to master the new skill or topic, you gain confidence and broaden your sense of your potential.

 

4 – Join a Team or a Club

You were a team – you and your spouse. And so it feels strange and alienating to now be a solo operator. Why not find a new team that you can play a vital role in? It can be anything from a weekly trivia meetup to a monthly kickball game through your work.

After divorce, it’s easy to feel as though you no longer matter. A team is a concrete way to remind yourself that you are needed and appreciated both for what you can offer and for who you are. After all, it feels really good to hear, “We missed you last week.”

 

5 – Share Your Expertise

You may be a newbie when it comes to this whole divorce thing, but you’re an expert at something. If you’re not sharing your wisdom already, look for opportunities to become a teacher in your areas of expertise.

When we teach, we are planting a part of ourselves in another and nurturing that seed until it grows. There is little in this world that is more life-affirming than watching knowledge spread and grow.

 

6 – Participate in a Support Group

Part of the challenge in divorce recovery is the fear that we’re somehow doing it wrong. That we’re progressing too slowly or not responding in the right ways. And if you’re isolated in your healing, it can be easy to believe those assertions as they remain unchallenged.

A support group – either in-person or virtual – provides you with the opportunity to witness the immense variety in the recovery paths taken by others and also gain a sense of the commonalities that unite us all. Furthermore, when we give space to honor our pain, it no longer fights for supremacy in the rest of our lives.

The Problem With Dating While Lonely

Posted on by stilllearning2b