The 5 Types of Apologies Cheaters Use

Posted on by stilllearning2b

They’re been caught cheating. Or, they decided to come clean about the affair. Some of the first words out of their mouth are,

“I’m sorry.“

You want desperately to believe those words, to believe that they feel true remorse for the pain they have caused you. Yet, past event shave also proven to you that they will lie.

As you suspect, there may be more to their apology than meets the eye.

Here are five types of apologies that cheaters may use:

 

1 – I’m sorry that I got caught.

They are not sorry they did it, they are simply sorry that they have been found out. Often this sort of apology presents with irritation and comes off as insincere. Instead of making changes to end the affair and reinvest in the marriage, they instead double down on their efforts to hide their indiscretions. They may blame you for snooping, their friends for being busybodies or the affair partner for not being careful.

 

2 – I’m saying sorry to try to smooth things over.

Nobody likes others to be upset with them or disappointed in them. This is even true for cheaters. So they apologize, not because they are truly sorry, but because they don’t like having this discord at home. They hope that they can placate with their verbal amends so that you will no longer respond with anger, rejection or sadness towards them. Pay attention to what surrounds the apology. Are they using gifts or physical touch in an attempt to calm or distract you? Also, a sign of this sort of apology is that it is only expressed when your emotions are running high.

 

3 – I’m sorry that you’re upset.

This one has some empathy to it. They see that you’re in pain and they don’t like to see you hurting. The problem here is that there is a disconnect between their actions and your feelings and they are failing to take responsibility for their part in causing you pain. This sort of apology usually presents with other selfish patterns of behavior. Even though they don’t like to see you hurt or inconvenienced, their own desires always take precedence.

 

4 – I’m saying sorry in an ongoing attempt to manipulate the situation.

When this type of apology is used, it comes with the expectation of a particular outcome. They are saying they are sorry with the caveat that you are no longer allowed to bring up their transgressions or that you will not threaten to leave. Look out for guilt trips and gaslighting as they try to turn this around to be about you.

 

5 – I am truly sorry for what I have done.

When people are truly sorry, their language will reflect that. Instead of speaking in third person or generalizations (“When the affair happened”), they use “I” statements to demonstrate ownership (“When I crossed the line into an affair”). They take responsibility for their actions and refrain from blaming you, the affair partner, or outside factors, even while accepting that other variables may have had an influence on their decisions. Another sign of a genuine apology is that they are taking the initiative and not expecting you to help them regulate their own emotional responses.

True remorse is expressed with no strings attached. They say it and then give you the space to do with it what you choose.

Finally, an authentic apology always comes with changed behavior. Because without that, it is simply another empty promise.

And if you didn’t get an apology, this post is for you.

Forcing the End: Cheating as an Exit Strategy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

People cheat for a large variety of reasons. In many of those cases, the cheater wants the affair partner(s) and they still want the marriage, a sort of one-sided renegotiation of the wedding vows.

Yet in other cases, what the cheater really wants is out of the marriage and the affair is simply a way of forcing that outcome.

So, why do people use an affair as an exit strategy for a marriage?

 

They Want You to Be the One to End It

Maybe they promised themselves that they would never get divorced. Or, they would feel guilty about breaking up the family while the kids are still young. Sometimes they’re worried about the judgment they’ll face from others if their marriage fails.  But if you’re the one to initiate the divorce, then they can find comfort in their little fiction that this was all on you.

Of course, all of this completely ignores the fact that it was their behavior that led to divorce in the first place. That if it wasn’t for the affair, you never would have filed the papers. But those that cheat are quite skilled at compartmentalization; they can convince themselves that the both the affair and the divorce happened to them instead of because of them.

 

They Lack the Courage to Be Honest With You

These are the people that will drop the bombshell, “I haven’t been happy for a long time” once their hand is forced, yet will never come to you with, “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you recently and I’d like for us to work together on this.” In a perverse way, they are not upfront with you because they don’t want to see you hurt and they don’t want to bear witness to your disappointment.

So instead, they pull away and they turn elsewhere, towards someone that they don’t have to worry about feeling obligated towards. They are running away, from the marriage and also from their discomfort. They believe that if they just stuff their unhappiness deep enough, they can build on top of it.

 

They Are Afraid of Being Alone

They want out. They know they want out. And yet the thought of being alone and unmoored after divorce scares the hell out of them. So, they make sure that they have a safe place – or person – to land on. The affair is a way of avoiding that terrifying leap into the unknown of being single, instead replacing the cliff’s edge with a gentle ramp out of marriage.

 

They Are Not Self-Aware

This is so often the case with those who use cheating to force the end of a marriage. Many times, they are not even consciously aware that they want out, much less cognizant about how the choices they make fit into the bigger picture.

 

In all of these cases, the affair may have been the final straw (or your first indication that something was amiss), but there were problems beneath the surface long before they stepped out. If you’re entering into a new relationship after divorce, make sure to look for someone who has the courage to be honest with you – and themselves – about when they are unhappy. It’s not a guarantee that they will never cheat on you, but it certainly provides some insurance.

 

 

How to Ease the Torment of Infidelity

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Finding out that your partner has cheated is a special kind of hell. From the incessant questions that plague your uneasy mind to the sense of rejection and unworthiness, an affair causes pain like no other.

It was only later, once I had gained some perspective on that period in my own life, when I realized that I was unintentionally doing some things that made my torment even worse.

Could you be doing the same and not even realize it?

One of most common side effects of being betrayed is an obsessive drive. This can take the form of wanting to hear every little detail about the affair or the affair partner. It can manifest as a relentless need to analyze the marriage and cheating spouse. Perhaps it takes the form of a fanatical attempt to perform CPR on a struggling marriage.

Regardless of the form, these compulsive thoughts and actions only serve to magnify the torment of infidelity. Fortunately, you do not have to allow these obsessive tendencies to take root and thrive. By making sense of why you’re responding that way, you can begin to find new ways to cope that don’t make you feel even more miserable.

Busyness

Infidelity is an ugly pain. And one we would rather not face. Often, the obsessions act as a distraction from the true issues at hand. This is often the case when the betrayed spouse becomes a self-appointed private investigator tasked with finding out every little detail about the affair partner.

This need for knowledge is driven less by necessity and more by a fear of looking at the cheating spouse and the troubled marriage. The problem is that when we try too hard to avoid something, we unwittingly give it too much power over us. Busyness may keep you from exploring the pain head-on, but it also prolongs the pain as its presence is always felt.

Slow down. Allow yourself to feel. Breathe and trust that you’ll be able to handle whatever emotions come your way.

Control

 

Being cheated on is like discovering that you’ve been a blindfolded passenger in a runaway train. And a common reaction to this discovery is an intense need to control everything. This relentless drive can manifest in a variety of ways, from an obsession with a new diet or exercise program to an overwhelming urge to know every detail about your spouse’s location and actions.

There is some comfort felt initially by exerting this control. It makes the world feel a little less scary and a little more predictable. Ultimately, however, this need for control becomes it own source of misery because control always has its limitations.

Rather than trying to keep the unknown from ever happening, strive to build your faith and confidence in yourself. You may not be able to stop it from occurring, but you can survive it.

Purpose

 

One of the cruelest aspects of infidelity is that the unfaithful spouse holds most of the power – they can decide if they want to end the affair or continue to pursue it, they can commit to working on the marriage or they can elect to keep hiding behind lies and misdirection.

And a sense of purpose helps to counteract the awful feeling of waiting. Purpose in life is important. It gives us a reason to keep going even when the going gets tough. It gives us a sense of the bigger picture and the connection between ourselves and others.

After an affair, purpose is often misappropriated. What feels important is really just noise and the all-consuming drive can overwhelm. Obsessive purpose often mutates, taking on a life of its own. And taking over your life with it.

Rather than making the affair and its components your focus, shift your purpose to yourself and your own wellbeing. Put your energy into making you better. That’s never a waste.

Understanding

 

I think every betrayed spouse utters the words, “How could you do this?” at least once. And the need to understand why and how can easily become a neurotic obsession. A belief that once that question is answered, everything will again make sense and moving on can begin to happen.

Yet the truth is that no explanation will ever suffice. There is no reason that will excuse the pain or the betrayal. And strangely enough, accepting this can lead to a place where you are able to view the entire marriage and affair with a more rational eye, which is where you can find some insight into the particular environment that allowed this betrayal to grow.

Understanding doesn’t happen when you aggressively demand it. It comes when you are ready to listen and accept with an open mind.

Release

Being betrayed is scary. It throws everything into doubt and makes you question your own perceptions and sanity. And all of that fear has energy. Energy that demands to be released.

Undirected, that energy will often find its way out through obsessive acts – refreshing your ex’s Facebook page in an attempt to find information about their new relationship, endless talking and thinking about the betrayal, or planning ways to spy on your repentant spouse.

Find healthier ways to release your energy. Move your body to free your mind.

There is no easy road back to happiness and trust after an affair. The pain is real, the impact significant. So be mindful that you’re not adding to your burden by tormenting yourself. You’ve got enough of that to deal with already.

 

Faulty Cheating Logic

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Faulty Cheating Logic

I keep encountering people who believe the following:

If a man cheats on his wife, then the marriage was sexless.

If the marriage was sexless, then it was the wife’s fault.

Therefore, if a man cheats on his wife, it was the wife’s fault.

*I’m sticking with the male cheater and asexual wife here because this is the assumption that always gets thrown my way. Don’t worry, men, I’ll get to the assumption that gets applied to you too. 

 

There are so many problems with this line of thinking…

1 – People cheat on their spouses for all kinds of reasons, only one of which is a lack of connection in the bedroom. If it was that simple to prevent infidelity, I bet cheating would be a whole lot less common (and easier to find when it was happening).

2 – You never really know what goes on in another person’s marriage, much less between their sheets. Why make that assumption?

3- Is the husband lying about the state of the bedroom in order to gain a sympathetic ear from the affair partner or from friends and family? Remember, they’re trying to make themselves look good and paint infidelity as a reasonable decision. 

4 – If the marriage was sexless, it may not be the woman’s decision. I know it’s not culturally accepted, but men can also turn away from their sexual selves for myriad reasons. 

5 – If the woman is turning down sex, are there underlying reasons? Sometimes these may have nothing to do with the marriage (trauma or health) and sometimes she shuts down as a direct result of her husband’s behaviors or inattention. 

6- And finally, even if the bedroom was dead and the wife was the one hitting the brakes on sex, that’s still not an excuse to cheat on someone. Decide that sex is important enough for you to leave? Sure. Have a conversation about ethical non-monogamy? Cool. But lie and manipulate to get what you want while keeping them in the dark? No. 

 

I see a similar type of faulty logic directed towards men:

If a woman cheats on her husband, he didn’t provide for/satisfy her.

 

Let’s dig into this one…

1 – Again, there are many reasons for infidelity. I’m sure this is one of them. But it’s only one. 

2 – If this was her reasoning, was she looking for him to provide her with happiness and/or purpose? Because those are both things that another person can never provide for us. In other words, he’s set up to fail.

3- Was he working so hard to provide in one arena that he couldn’t give enough attention in others? For example, maybe he is put in the situation where he is working overtime to bring in enough money and also criticized for not being available. Those priorities have to be worked out as a couple.

4-Because we place so much value on what a man provides, an easy way for her to cut him down publicly is to imply that he doesn’t measure up. What does she have to gain from that approach?

5-And finally, even if she feels that he is not bringing enough to the table, that is still not an excuse to cheat. Decide that you something different and make the decision to leave? Sure. Have a conversation about needs and changes and boundaries? Absolutely. But leave him in the dark and sneak around behind his back? No. 

 

I can see where both of these faulty assumptions come from. We all want to believe that we have more control over our lives than we do. We feel safer when we can believe that if we only do “x,” we can prevent “y” from happening. But it’s not that simple, as those of us who have been through the wringer can attest. Because when it comes to cheating, logic gets thrown out the window. 

After the Affair: Unraveling the Excuses

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Once caught, most partners who have been unfaithful begin to make excuses in a rather lame attempt to justify their actions. In fact, these excuses often begin even before the affair is uncovered. These are the same justifications that they often recite to the affair partner, to friends and to themselves (often to the point where they’re weaving an alternate narrative that alleviates the discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance).

All of these excuses that a cheater offers up neglect one basic fact – an affair does not occur in a vacuum.

There are often months or years between the start of the infidelity and the discovery. And during that time, you may not know, but you know. At some level, you are picking up that something isn’t right. You may question, only to receive reassurance, leaving you confused that your observations are being dismissed. You may sense a withdrawal and try to pinpoint its root cause, feeling trapped in a labyrinth of denial.

Much like a cancer before diagnosis, the affair affects you even before you can name it.

And many of the excuses that the cheater offers up are using your response to the unknown affair as justification for their decision to stray. They may be correct in those two things being related, but they have confused the cause and effect.

 

Unraveling the Excuses

 

They say that you’re needy, yet they are the ones that make you insecure.

Sometimes the usual affection lags, leaving you wondering if they’re still attracted to you. Or, it may come in the form of critical comments about appearance or increased comments about someone else’s. Other times, it’s a turning – or even a pulling – away.

When you’re afraid of losing something, grasping is a natural (although ultimately ineffective) response. When we feel a disconnect from our partners, we seek reassurance that everything is okay.

 

They say you’re crazy, yet they are the ones who drove you there.

“I wasn’t texting anyone last night,” they claim, causing you to question what you saw. Gaslighting is a common strategy used by cheaters to cover their tracks. It’s a form of mental abuse that leaves you doubting yourself and questioning everything you see and hear.

When you are living one experience yet being told it’s something else, it causes disorientation not unlike that which occurs with the optical distortions in a funhouse. Of course you’re going to act a little crazy when nothing makes sense.

 

They say you don’t give them enough attention, yet they’re too distracted to notice.

“They made me feel appreciated,” the cheating spouse often whines (frequently following up with the addition of, “I just wanted to be happy.”). They describe how they feel ignored at home. Yet the other side of this equation is that even when they are home, their attention is elsewhere.

This falls into the “grass is greener” misconception. They think it’s better with the affair partner because that is where they are looking. Meanwhile, they could be the centerpiece of your life, but since their head is turned, they are blind to it.

 

They say you’re distant, yet they pushed you away.

Sometimes, they claim that you have been the withdrawn one. Yet they fail to consider the reason for your disconnection. When we’re feeling rejection, one of the common responses is to wall-off, building a protective barrier between yourself and the world in an attempt to avoid feeling the pain.

When there is an ongoing affair, you most likely are not feeling safe in the relationship, even before you can pinpoint the reason. Since your partner isn’t provided you with that sense of security, you seek to create it yourself. By yourself.

 

They say you don’t know them, yet they refuse to open up.

“They know me. I feel seen,” the cheating spouse says of the affair partner. Yet, they fail to recognize that they have been closed off with their spouse (even when begged to explain what is wrong) and transparent with the affair partner.

One of the strange things about marriage is that it can become difficult to be vulnerable with your partner because the stakes are so high. And it can be easier to open up to a relative stranger because there is less to lose. But it’s not fair to get mad an someone for not knowing you if you do not provide them the opportunity.

 

They say you’re snooping and questioning, yet they are the ones hiding things.

They snap at you when you ask where they’ve been when they come home late again. They become angry when you glance over at their phone screen when it lights up. They accuse you of being jealous, of snooping and of being in their business.

Even for those who do not tend towards snooping behavior, an unconfirmed suspicion of an affair can lead to those actions.

 

They say you’re critical, yet they are the ones not holding up their end.

We all only have so much energy. During an affair, that energy is turned away from the marriage. Inevitably, that means that there is neglect of the life and responsibilities within the marriage.

An affair is a selfish act, and those that engage in them are often caught off guard when there are consequences. If they’re acting like an entitled jerk at home, they will face criticism. Probably justified.

 

They say you’re no fun, yet they leave you with all of the responsibilities.

“You’re just no fun anymore,” they whine, thinking of the alternate universe they have with their affair partner that is separate from mortgages and orthodontist appointments.

Life means growing up. It means sometimes setting aside what feels good in the moment for longer term goals. And those that cheat are more likely to be immature and want others to do all the heavy lifting for them.

 

They say you’re angry, yet they make false promises that lead to dashed expectations.

Of course you’re angry. They keep promising to come home on time, to put the phone away, to spend quality time with the family. Yet it never seems to manifest.

As your hopes and expectations are dashed again and again, you grow frustrated. Why can’t they do what they promised? Sometimes, they begin to see you in a disapproving and controlling parental role, keeping them confined. Yet they conveniently forget that they stepped into that life and its responsibilities willingly.

 

They say we’re the bad guy, yet they need us to be the bad guy to justify their choices.

This is what it ultimately comes down to. They want to have the affair. And so they’ll do anything they can to justify their reasons for doing what they want.

They blame their choices on your behaviors. Yet they fail to recognize the impact their choices have on you.