Looking back now, some of my ex’s false stories are absurd. One of my favorite has to do the phone line. Apparently, we were beginning to receive calls from creditors since he had decided that funding a second life was more important than paying the bills. And it wouldn’t do to have me inadvertently pick up one of these calls and learn the truth about our finances.
So he cut the phone line.
But it didn’t end there. Because of course, he couldn’t admit that he disconnected the service (which by the way, also meant the alarm system didn’t work while I was home alone when he was traveling), so he feigned surprise that the phone no longer worked. We went to radio Shack, where he bought a device that is used to diagnose issues in phone lines ($25) and pretended to try to find the problem for the remainder of that afternoon. Now that’s commitment.
My gut said something was off about the entire situation. After all, I had never had a phone line just suddenly stop working. And my ex never followed through with contacting the phone company, which seemed like a logical next step. His reaction was a combination of an initial flurry of action and then…well, nothing.
But I didn’t listen to my gut. I listened to him.
So why do we believe their lies?
The Truth is Too Scary to Face
If I saw the truth about the phone line, it would mean that I would have to face the reality that everything I thought I knew was a lie. It would mean that my husband was not my protector, that instead he had become my tormentor. That every ounce of security that I thought I had (financial, emotional, etc.) had evaporated and nothing could be trusted.
It was like a domino effect; if I saw through one lie, they all would tumble and reveal the hellish truth behind their facade. And I wasn’t ready to see that.
We believe the lies because we so desperately need them to be true. Because reality is too scary to comprehend.
We Don’t Want to Admit We Were Wrong About Them
I thought my ex husband was a good man. A generous man. An honest man. And to admit otherwise meant that I would also have to cop to my own shortcomings in selecting him and then for keeping him on a pedestal.
By the time my spidey-sense was trying to get my attention to tell me something was wrong, he had been lying undetected for years. So to see one lie in the present meant that I had to admit to not seeing all of those in the past. It was easier to simply stay in the dark and pretend that everything was okay.
We believe the lies because it’s embarrassing, shameful even, to reveal that we have been fooled. We want to think that we’re smarter than that.
We Want to Believe the Best About Them
In many of my ex’s stories, he painted himself as the victim of some unfortunate circumstance. He was the underdog, just trying to do the right thing in a world that seemed to be stacked against him. And since I loved him, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe IN him.
We believe the lies because we take the side of the one we love and it’s easier to see them as the victim than the perpetrator.
We’ve Learned to Doubt Ourselves
Like many cheaters and addicts, my ex used gaslighting to keep me confused. He would outright deny something that I remembered happening and he would create documents that conflicted with the real ones that I had already seen. All of this uncertainty meant that I always questioned my own perceptions, often even more than I did his excuses.
We believe the lies because we have been conditioned to no longer believe ourselves.
And that’s exactly where healing begins – in learning to trust our own perceptions and instincts again and in believing that we ARE strong enough to handle the truth no matter what it holds.
“Will I ever trust again?” I asked, turning towards my dad in the aftermath of the day the marriage died.
My voice trembled along with the rest of my body, a pleading tone hoping for a positive response.
His eyes teared, he pulled me in for a hug. “I don’t know but I sure hope so.”
It wasn’t the response I wanted, but it was honest. And honest was what I needed.
Over the next weeks and months, I asked that question of my mom, my family, my friends, my journal.
And every response was the same.
“I don’t know.”
How do you recover from betrayal by the person closest to you? How do you move forward without armor so thick that no one will ever make it through? How do you ever put faith in another person after doing so destroyed your world and you in the process?
How do you learn to trust again?
We often think of trust as a singular thing, an on/off switch that is either fully present or entirely lacking. But trust doesn’t operate that way, it is multidimensional and maintaining it is an ongoing and ever-present process.
We also generally speak of trust as something that exists solely outside ourselves. We deem certain people untrustworthy and label others dependable. We decide that someone has lost our trust because of their actions (or perceived actions) and that the rebuilding of trust is completely dependent upon them. Yet the reality is that trust exists in the space between two people and it depends upon both for sustenance.
It’s been several years since I first questioned if I could ever trust again. And now I know I can trust because for the most part, I do. It wasn’t (and sometimes still isn’t) an easy process, but it has been a worthwhile undertaking.
If you’re struggling with trust, I’ve identified five components for you to look for in the other person and to address in yourself:
Courage
In your partner… Deception and betrayal are often the cowards way of saying, “I’m not happy with myself.” Look for a partner that is willing to be direct rather than evasive, even when saying the things you may not want to hear.
This trait was one of the main characteristics I looked for (and found) in my second husband. I trust that he’ll speak the truth. That doesn’t mean I’ll always like it.
In yourself… Have the courage to face whatever you may see. Hiding your head in the sand only leaves you blind. Ask the hard questions. Have the difficult conversations. Be willing to walk away. Believe in your own strength and abilities.
This was a difficult road for me. I don’t like conflict and had confused my desire for something to be true with my belief that it was true. I still struggle sometimes, but I’m doing much better at facing the truth rather than turning away.
Awareness
In your partner… Seek out a partner who is empathetic and compassionate about what you have experienced. There’s a balance here. It’s not fair to hold them accountable for someone else’s misdeeds, yet they can be understanding that sometimes your aim will be off.
When we first started dating, my now-husband forwarded me an unsolicited email from his boss about some upcoming travel for work. That email paid dividends into my trust bank since I had discovered that much of my ex’s “work” travel was anything but.
In yourself… Be aware of when you’re responding to something from now and when you’re coming from a place of old hurt and fear. If you’re (over)reacting because of your past, own it and don’t try to place that responsibility on your new partner.
Whenever I’m feeling triggered about something, I try to take a step back before I react. Often, I figure out that the issue is that my brain jumped from point A to conclusion Z by following assumptions drawn from my past. At which point, I work on myself rather than blow up at my partner.
Skepticism
In your partner… Don’t assume that you’re partner is lying and also don’t assume that they are always honest. Err on the side of belief but also make sure that your trust isn’t blind. Authenticate their words through observation and corroboration.
In the early stages of our relationship, I sought verification for many of my now-husband’s words. I didn’t snoop (that behavior ALWAYS backfires!), but I was observant, looking for evidence that supported his claims.
In yourself… Don’t assume that just because you feel it, it has to be real. Our emotions can lie to us as well. Be skeptical about your conclusions and try to separate fact from reactions. Also, remember that if you look for what you expect to see, your brain is setting you up to find it. Keep your mind open and yet questioning.
I am still learning to differentiate between spilled milk and an oncoming milk truck. And I know that about myself. So when I reach a premature conclusion, I look for facts to back it up before I accept it as truth.
Faith
In your partner… Believe that there are honest people in the world. And until/unless you’re proved differently, have faith that you’re with one of them.
I used to grow frustrated that my now-husband couldn’t seem to grasp the enormity of my ex’s transgressions. But then, I found solace in that fact. He doesn’t get it because that kind of deception is simply not in is vocabulary. And I’m more than okay with that.
In yourself…Have confidence that you will be able to move through your past and have the security of trust again. Operate with the certainty that you’ll get there and the focus will help you find your way.
In the beginning, I was asking if I could trust again. A few months out, I changed that to a declaration, “I WILL trust again.” I didn’t know how or when, but I made trust a goal rather than a question.
Acceptance
In your partner… For those of us who struggle with trust, we can often confuse disappointment with deception. Your partner will make mistakes. They will disappoint you. That’s not a breach of trust, that’s a fact of life.
In his willingness to readily own up to his mistakes, my now-husband has helped me find acceptance with infallibility. None of us are perfect. Stuff happens. And that’s why trust is an ongoing process.
In yourself… Accept your part. Do you turn away from uncomfortable truths? Do you start off believing that everything is a lie and seek only to prove it? Do you place the onus for trust on another’s shoulders? Also, accept that you have been wounded and that it will take time and patience for you to heal.
As soon as I shifted my focus from what my ex did to what I needed to do, my healing really began. Even though I could continue to blame him for destroying my trust, learning how to find it again was up to me.
Trust is not expecting your partner to be perfect.
Trust is choosing a partner that faces instead of hides.
Trust is not never being hurt or disappointed.
Trust is looking beyond the result and seeing the intention.
Trust is not searching for ways that others are trying to deceive you.
Trust is listening to your gut and sifting out the truth.
Trust is not trying to control every action and every outcome.
Trust is operating within your locus of control and releasing the end result.
Have you been cheated on and you’re wondering why it happened? (It may not be what you think.)
Are you in a relationship and you’re concerned your partner may stray? (Being aware of these signs can allow arely intervention before an affair occurs.)
Would you like to know what to look for in a partner to limit the chances of an affair? (Knowing these shared characteristics can help you select a partner that is less likely to cheat.)
Knowledge is power.
Six Revealing Reasons People Cheat
It’s hard to describe the feeling that came over me when I discovered my husband was having an affair. It was one part horror, one part punch to the gut and one part relief, because some of the things that didn’t make sense finally did.
And of course, one of the first questions to enter the screaming torment of my mind was, “Why did he cheat on me?” Followed shortly by the self-preserving thoughts of,
“But I was a supportive wife.”
“We talked about everything and never fought.”
“We had a great sex life.”
“He always said he loved me.”
I thought that affairs happened only in the absence of love. Of sex. Of emotional intimacy.
I was wrong.
Affairs can happen for many reasons. Here are the ones I encounter the most:
1 – The Bad Decision
This is the “it just happened” infidelity, although that excuse makes my skin crawl. This is the affair born of bad decisions that may or may not have other co-existing causes. There is no magic in a wedding band that suddenly causes all others of the opposite sex to be invisible. We all meet people that we find attractive and that awaken that little spark. But you always have a choice. Long before anything happens, you can make the decision to walk away. The earlier the better. The closer you get to a flame, the more difficult it becomes to leave without ignition occurring. You may get to a point where your body has the best of you, but you can choose to use your brain before then.
2 – The Need for Physical Connection
A marriage where the partners have different sexual needs is certainly a struggle. In this type of affair, one (or both) of the partners is craving more physical intimacy and they look outside the marriage to sate their appetites. Sometimes the affair is proceeded with a pronouncement about one partner’s dissatisfaction with the dead or dying bedroom. Other times, the lips are kept sealed about any discontent, leaving the non-straying spouse in the dark.
My frustration with this type (and the affair described below), is that so often the straying partner is helping to create the desert at home by turning his or her attentions away. This reason is also used as a fictitious excuse for infidelity and can even be created by the straying partner as a way for them to reconcile their decisions within their own mind. After all, it’s easy to claim a sexless marriage and difficult to refute unless you never close your blinds.
3 – The Need for Emotional Connection
Two has the potential to be lonelier than one can ever be. There is no worse feeling that being with someone and yet feeling invisible. Sometimes, people can change and grow apart. Other times, one spouse may feel completely abandoned by their partner. I often hear this complaint after the arrival of a child, when one spouse returns to school or when one person is overwhelmed with increased duties at work. The partner left behind may feel ignored, unappreciated or disrespected. And they slide into an affair with someone who helps to build them back up.
In this type of affair, the straying partner is seeking responsiveness and demonstrative affection from another. They describe their marriage as “dead” and want to feel alive, appreciated and understood.
4 – The Need for Approval
This is often the affair of the narcissist. They are typically brief and in succession, a new partner replacing the former before he or she gets to know too much. This straying partner is driven by the need to be idolized, which is a trademark of early romance that fades as time reveals more about the person.
5 – The Need for Stimulation
Affairs can be rewarding; there is a rush from the newness that is amplified by the necessary intrigue. Some people are wired to need more stimulation. These are your daredevils and stockbrokers. Others train themselves to need an increasing amount of stimulation, such as in the case of addiction. Their threshold for stimulation is set higher than a “normal” life can fulfill and so they are always seeking their next reward. After all, there is a documented connection between Twitter use and affairs.
6 – The Snipe Hunt for Happiness
I find this the saddest reason for infidelity. In this case, a person is truly unhappy and, rather than address the issue internally where it resides, they begin a snipe hunt for happiness, looking for it in external things and often, people. This affair is not driven by something missing in the marriage; it’s powered by something missing in the person. And, what makes it sad to me is that while they are on a winless quest for happiness, they steal joy from others along the way. Even those that they truly love.
Regardless of the reason for the infidelity, it comes down to this –
Having an affair is a choice.
And there are certain characteristics of those that are more likely to make that choice.
Cheaters are often selfish and lack empathy.They act without regard for consequences to others and fail to see the bigger picture.
Cheaters often shirk responsibility for their own wellbeing and are quick to lay blame.This leads them to demonize their spouse, idolize their affair partner and refuse to consider their own actions.
Cheaters may be impulsive and struggle with boundaries. And this may put them in situations where it’s difficult to not make bad decisions.
Cheaters may be manipulative. They gaslight their spouse while telling the affair partner that the spouse is awful.
Cheaters are pros at compartmentalization. They build walls between their actions and their self-image in order to avoid the discomfort of cognitive dissonance.
Cheaters are often cowardly and afraid of confrontation. Rather than speak up with their spouse, they’d rather quietly step out.
Betrayal within in a marriage is some of the most acute pain you can feel as you face rejection by the one who promised to always hold you. By understanding what may have led to the affair (both in the marriage and in your spouse), you can begin to learn from the experience and eventually move on.
Refuse to let your partner’s actions determine your self worth. Because if you allow this to continue to hold you back, you’re ultimately cheating yourself.
After my former life imploded with a tsunami divorce, there were some situations that I knew would be difficult to face. In order to avoid being triggered, I drove the long way to avoid seeing my former neighborhood with the entrance sign that my husband fabricated the letters for. I was cautious not to go to “our” restaurant alone or when I was feeling low. Looking ahead, I knew that I would struggle with any hints of abandonment. And I studiously avoided any media that dealt with the subject of affairs or fraud.
But then there were the unexpected triggers. Those seemingly innocent events or circumstances that sucker-punched me to my knees, my head swirling with flashbacks instead of cartoon birds. In hindsight, these seem innocuous. Silly, even. Yet they were anything but at the time they occurred.
In chronological order, these were the ten unexpected episodes that left me feeling triggered:
A Tap on the Shoulder
It was just an innocent and perfectly acceptable tap. A student needed my attention while the class was testing. Not wanting to make any noise and coming up from behind me, she simply tapped me on my shoulder. Three months earlier, it would have been a non-event. But that day?
Oh, it was an event.
You see, my ex and I had this little game where we would tap the other on the shoulder at random times as a way to request a kiss. So when that student tapped my shoulder, I felt my stomach take an express elevator down as I again realized the enormity of what I had lost.
The Words, “Dear Reader”
My ex used to write creative fiction when he was in high school and he often shared these stories with me. He had this habit of occasionally addressing the reader directly which always got under my skin (although I never said anything).
Years later, after he abandoned me, was arrested and released on bail, he attempted suicide after emailing my mom and his other wife a suicide note. The tone reminded me of those youthful stories with its undercurrent of “dear reader,” as though he was doing us a favor.
I made it several months before I encountered those words in a book written by some completely innocent author. The text was flung across the room before it found its way back to the library.
A Traffic Jam
Years ago, I read a scientific article about how traffic jams are actually related to fluid dynamics and how understanding the latter has led to unique strategies in major cities. Excited about this information, I shared the study with my husband. He laughed at me and soon “fluid dynamics” became a joke whenever we were stranded in Atlanta traffic.
Since I stayed close to home after the tsunami divorce, months passed before I was impacted by traffic. As my car came to a stop behind miles of red brake lights, I automatically said the words, “damned fluid dynamics” as tears poured down my face. I would never again have someone to share that joke with.
Getting Picked Up at the Airport
I knew to steal myself for the hazardous materials sign at the entrance to security since that was the last place I ever saw my husband while he was still my husband. But I didn’t expect to have a panic attack on the other end of the trip.
My now-husband, then-boyfriend promised to pick me up after a visit back to Texas. As I stood at the curb waiting for him to arrive, I realized that I half expected him to not show, which is what I believe my ex husband had originally planned before concern for the dogs changed his approach.
When my boyfriend’s car pulled up as promised, I shook with both relief and release of stored trauma.
Small Lies of No Consequence
I teach middle school. And middle schooler lie. Often. About stupid things.
In the past, I could laugh off these stupid lies even as I made it clear that I wasn’t going to fall for it. After all, I knew that these fibs weren’t personal. They were just the excuses offered up by teenagers with partially-formed brains and a desire to avoid consequences.
But something changed after I learned that I had been living a lie crafted by my ex. An allergy of sorts. Any exposure to falsehoods and I would have a severe reaction. For the first time in my entire career, I would have to excuse myself so that I could calm down before responding to a kid.
The Air Blower at the Entrance to Home Depot
I walked through the entrance of Home Depot, the rush of air drowning out all of my senses. When I came to on the other side of the blast, I found myself transported to the past.
Money Moved From One Account to Another
This was a silly one. My now-husband and I had a gift account from our wedding and we had agreed to move the money to our joint savings account. But apparently my emotions didn’t remember this agreement.
I’m not so proud of how I handled this one. My ex husband built himself an office in the basement. In reality, it was command central for his other life. Needless to say, I developed a bit of an aversion to basements after this.
So when my now-husband wanted to build a theater downstairs, I responded in a pretty poor manner, letting fear do the talking for me.
Ugh. I’d like to forget that particular outburst.
Mums
This one was a surprise. After all, they’re just flowers. But when I saw them – and appreciated them – I suddenly realized how much I had allowed my ex to be my voice.
Winning Teacher of the Year
I received the honor of Teacher of the Year towards the end of my first marriage. My husband was gone at the time (allegedly on a work assignment) yet he had flowers delivered to my classroom before he even knew that I won. Months later, he attended the awards ceremony with me. The professional photos from that night were the last we had taken of us as a couple.
Exactly ten years later, I won again. My husband was out of town.
Gulp.
I had to remind myself that I married a very different man this time. Which soon became evident. My ex sent expensive flowers to my work where they would be sure to be admired by others. My now-husband made an immediate Facebook post talking about how proud he was of his wife. The flowers came, but to the house. They weren’t meant for public adoration.
The triggers came fast and furious in the beginning. Over time, they lessened in both intensity and frequency. It’s been over a year-and-a-half since I was last triggered. I’d like to say that I’m done with them, but I also know that life likes to keep us on our toes. Luckily, I trust now that the feelings will fade and the event will lose its power to impact me.
The best things about triggers is that once they are defused, they are harmless.
When you discover that you have been cheated on, your mind immediately begins spinning with questions – “How could they do this?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Am I ever going to be okay again?”
Those questions are completely understandable. After all, the person who trusted the most has betrayed you, ripping the well-loved rug of your life from beneath your un-cushioned feet. You’re lost. Confused. Sad and angry. And probably more than a little frightened.
Nothing makes sense as normalacy has been bathed in pain, the betrayal permeating every fiber of your being. The answers that you once seemed so sure of have been replaced with questions. The certainties shoved aside for the great unknowns.
While you’re in this maelstrom fueled by the realization that you have been cheated on, ask yourself the following questions to find some clarity and to begin to regain your footing.
Am I still breathing?
Since you’re able to read, I am going to go ahead and assume that the answer is, “Yes.”
Now, are you breathing deeply? I wager not. Right now, I want you to take a deep breath, all the way down to the bottom recesses of your lungs. Pull it in and sigh it out of your open mouth. Try it again. Maybe even a third time. Do you feel just a little bit of that panicked tightness release?
The discovery of betrayal may not place us in physical danger, but it definitely qualifies as a threat to your life. As a result, your body responds by sending out fight or flight signals. And one of the first things to suffer is the breath.
It becomes a vicious cycle – stress tells your body to breathe shallowly and rapidly and shallow breathing tells your body that it is stressed. Since you can’t undo the stress caused by the infidelity, work instead to interrupt the cycle by controlling the breath. Several times a day, ask yourself the question, “Am I breathing?” And then make the answer, “Yes!”
Is there a person or place that helps me feel a sense of safety or security right now?
After I learned of my husband’s double life, I purchased a super-soft and fuzzy throw. I found my safe space within its comforting folds. Whenever the world began to feel overwhelming, I wrapped myself inside of it, a cocooning caterpillar dreaming of better days.
Do you have something similar in your life right now? A place, a person or even a silly object that makes you feel grounded and helps you believe that maybe the entire world hasn’t gone all topsy-turvy? When we’re spinning out of control, it helps to have something to hold onto.
What has been taken from me?
This question may seem easy to answer at first. In fact, I bet the answers will practically burst from your mouth. Release them. Let them go.
And then explore what’s underneath that initial purge. Those losses are often much more subtle, more nuanced than the major ones we see at first. Yet they are still important. Being cheated on is a death, a theft and a swindle all in one. There’s quite a bit there to uncover.
And underlying all of it is that it occurred without your consent or complicity. Of all that was taken from you, perhaps you discover that your agency was the biggest loss.
What do I wish my spouse could understand?
Because they don’t understand, do they? If they did, they wouldn’t have been been able to do what they did.
Unfortunately, even as science has allowed us to peer into the brain to begin to understand its inner workings, we have yet to develop a way to transfer our feelings to another. So we have to resort to words and gestures.
So, what do you wish they knew? What feelings are you experiencing that you want them to comprehend?
If you’re talking with your partner, you can share these. If you’re not, it can still be helpful to release them in writing, even if left unsent. Whichever route you take, be aware of the limitations of your words. You can share them, yet you cannot control how they are received. Speak and then be willing to listen, even if the only response you get is your own thoughts about the words released on paper.
Why do I think my spouse might have made this choice?
The initial reaction to a discovery of cheating is often – and rightfully – anger. The cheater is painted as a villain. One-dimensional, completely selfish and manipulative.
And I’m not denying that those traits are often present. Yet that’s rarely the entire picture. After all, if that’s who they are, why did you marry them in the first place.
Take a step back. And another. Try to look at the bigger picture, not as a betrayed spouse, but as a detective. What factors, either environmental or behavioral, might have contributed to them making this horrific decision?
These contributing factors are not an excuse for the behavior – that was a choice. However, understanding what may have led up to this can help you release some of the anger. Not for the cheater’s benefit, but for yours.
What if it’s not about me?
I know I initially saw my husband’s actions as a direct assault on me. He was the arrow and I was the target brutally pierced by his betrayals. And then I asked myself this very question.
And the answer that came to me was powerful indeed. I realized that his myriad deceptions and despicable choices were all about him – his pain, his cowardice, his inability to deal with his issues. I just happened to be in the way.
Am I allowing my partner’s words or actions to define me?
Betrayal rarely comes without some sort of gaslighting or emotional abuse. Are you permitting your cheating partner’s words to or about you to take up residence in your mind? Are you taking the blame for their actions? Or, are you letting them convince you that you are not enough?
Now that this has happened, what could my partner do to make it better?
This is a telling answer. If you respond with, “Nothing,” then it’s a sign that it’s time to move on. If your partner is forthcoming, remorseful and working towards change, you may a different answer.
Either way, there are limits to what your spouse can do. They cannot wipe your memory clean. Nor can they instantly restore trust and security. They can help you bandage the wound, but ultimately healing is up to you.
What insight does learning that I’ve been cheated on give me into myself?
I know. This is a big ask.
I’ll share my own insight to help give you some ideas.
My own parents divorced when I was a child and my dad moved across the country. He never actually abandoned me – there was an open line of communication and the child support was always on time. Yet, once my husband left, I realized that I harbored a fear of abandonment that traced back to my parent’s divorce.
That fear made me shy away from confrontation with my husband. It allowed him to easily manipulate me into believing what I wanted to be true. I certainly didn’t cause my husband’s cheating, but I didn’t allow myself to see it coming either.
Since the betrayal, I’ve found my confidence. My fearlessness. My fight. I’m no longer afraid of being abandoned because I know that I’m enough on my own.
So how about you? What have you learned about yourself now that you have been cheated on?
What do I want to do now? Do I have to make a decision immediately?
When you find out you’ve been cheated on, it’s common to want to make big sweeping changes. To run away from the entire situation and pretend that it was all a terrible dream.
Yet, as you’re probably aware, your thinking isn’t very clear right now. Your rational brain may feel like it has vacated the premises and has been replaced by some primal and instinctual beast.
Identify those actions that need to happen now and allow the others to wait until your brain is fully operational again.
Who do I have in my life that you can talk to without concern of judgment?
Betrayal is weird. The ones who do it often seem unscathed. And those that are its victims often carry the shame, enhanced by the judgment of others (“What did you do to make them cheat?” is the scathing undercurrent in many exchanges).
When you’re processing the aftermath of being cheated on, you need people in your corner. People who will listen without undue criticism and will not shy away from unpolished emotion.
What areas of my life have been relatively untouched by the betrayal?
Betrayal – and divorce if that’s in your cards – have an impressive way of impacting seemingly every area of your life. Even those regions that are on the surface, completely unrelated.
But look deeper. Do you have anything in your life that is still unchanged? A hobby? An interest? An acquaintance at work that doesn’t know about your situation?
I bet you do.
Make note of these. They are a precious reminder that there is still life in you now and that there will be life again when this is all over.
What warning signs of cheating are only visible to me in hindsight?
Now that you’ve been cheated on, do you know what signs to look for?
I bet you do.
Some signs can be quite subtle, can’t they? And then there’s the part that nobody tells you about – the internal (and often subconscious) bargaining and flat-out denial about what you’re seeing.
I think that’s the biggest lesson from the clarity of hindsight. If cheating is happening, there will be no head in the sand again.
How does this impact how I view relationships?
Once you’ve been cheated on, you lose some of your innocence around relationships. Examine your feelings. Are you painting all men or women with the brush tainted by your cheating spouse? Or, are you swearing off relationships altogether?
Being cheated on will change you. Make sure you remain aware of those alterations and that you steer them in healthy directions over time.
Because that’s the biggest question to ask yourself –
How am I going to not let this pain define the rest of my life?
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 