Five Damaging Divorce Stereotypes

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Those that have not personally experienced divorce have no shortage of judgements and opinions. These are some of the more common damaging divorce stereotypes that you may encounter –

 

The Spouse That Initiated the Divorce is a Quitter

At some point, you have to make a decision – do you continue to endure a miserable situation or do you extricate yourself from the situation?

The reality is that you only have dominion over yourself. And when you’re married to someone who refuses to admit that there are problems within the marriage, you have limited influence to change the environment. If you’re with an addict who routinely denies their disease, sometimes leaving is the only tenable option. And if your partner is abusive, getting out can become a matter of life or death.

Quitting is giving up when something becomes too difficult or uncomfortable. Sometimes, a decision to divorce has nothing to do with quitting and everything to do with acceptance and self-respect – accepting that you alone cannot alter the trajectory of your marriage and the self-respect to demand better.

 

The Woman Always Gets the Money

I almost shoved her off the bike. It was a mid-morning spin class that I was able to attend because of a school holiday. The other women in the class were apparently regulars and they immediately started questioning me as the newcomer to their group. When discovering that I was recently divorced, the woman next to me stated, “Isn’t it nice to have your husband’s money without having to deal with your husband?”

The previous afternoon I had just received another notification about an yet another unpaid debt left behind by my ex husband. Yet another debt that I would have to pay.

Sometimes, the woman does come out ahead financially. Yet often, she doesn’t, especially if she neglected a career in order to raise children. The reality is that divorce often has a lasting negative financial impact for both men and women. Additionally, the automatic application of spousal support for the woman is (thankfully) coming to an end. The family court system is still a money-making mess, but they are trying to do a better job of considering each case individually.

 

The Man Doesn’t Take Responsibility for His Children

Ever heard the one about the man babysitting his own offspring?

The assumption after divorce is often that the woman will have primary custody and the man will do anything he can to have limited responsibility for the kids. And yes, there are certainly deadbeat dads out there. And there are also amazing fathers who do everything they can to be there for their children even though they are no longer married to their mother.

There are also the heartbreaking cases where good fathers are kept from their children in an attempt to punish or control them. These men can be labeled as “deadbeats” when the reality is that they are in great pain and want nothing more than to be able to be present for their kids.

 

The Partner That Wanted a Divorce Isn’t Hurting

Just because something is the right call, doesn’t make it easy. The one who decided to leave may be grieving the end of the relationship. They may feel guilty for hurting their partner. If they’ve been pulling all of the emotional weight, they may be angry that their spouse didn’t put forth any effort.

No matter the circumstances, divorce is hard. It’s a major loss and a massive transition. The nature of the pain may differ when you are the one who wanted divorce, but it doesn’t mean the pain is absent.

 

The Spouse Who is Left Must Have Deserved It

One of the most painful aspects of deciding to go public with my story were the cruel assumptions that I faced about why my ex must have left. Strangers decided that I must be a terrible person and an even worse wife. After all, I must have done something to deserve that kind of treatment.

The reality is that both people are responsible for the marriage, but one person can decide how – or if – it will end. And oftentimes, that decision is influenced by their own internal struggle.

Furthermore, we rarely know the truth behind the public facade of any marriage. And without knowing the whole story, it’s impossible to reach any meaningful conclusions.

 

 

As with any stereotypes, these can have a kernel of truth to them. However, my conclusion is that many of these are anchored in fear – people don’t want to believe that divorce can happen to them, so they create a narrative around divorce that gives them the illusion of control.

The Power in Applying “The Four Agreements” to Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
four agreements divorce

As a homework assignment for my recent girl’s weekend, I was asked to read The Four Agreements. I was fully willing, but somewhat skeptical, since as the only child of a counselor, I was raised on a steady diet of self-help. I think I overdosed.

After the first few pages, my skepticism was replaced with excitement and understanding. This was one book that made sense to me.

The premise is simple: four agreements that, if followed, will change your life. The book is short and the agreements are extremely simple but nowhere near easy. They are applicable to every area of life and manage to be general and still useful all at once. They are interconnected; one always leads to another.

As part of my own work with The Four Agreements, I am drilling down and applying them to various areas of life. I’ve already explored The Four Agreements in Marriageand The Four Agreements in Wellness. Those were easy applications. After all, those are areas where your intention is to be honest and want to be your best. Now, for the hard one – The Four Agreements in divorce. How can these covenants help you navigate such an awful time with more dignity and awareness? Can these promises actually hold true while in midst of a life disintegration? Can they help to provide support and focus intention in those darkest of days?

I think they can.

The dictionary lists “acceptance” as one of the synonyms of “agreements.” Perhaps that is a better approach when it comes to divorce. After all, you may not agree with the divorce, you most likely do not agree with your spouse or ex spouse and you certainly don’t agree with the courts. But you still have to accept it if you wish to find peace. So, bad grammar aside, here are the four acceptances of divorce:

 

Be Impeccable With Your Word

“I can be impeccable with my word. He/she is a #$%@! Did you hear the latest?”

I think we have all been there. Refraining from badmouthing your soon to be ex is a daunting task. He or she may appear to have morphed into some cartoon villain, fiendishly planning attacks while safe in his or her secluded lair. You feel justified in your verbal besieges; after all, you’re just responding to the volleys thrown at you.

But step back a moment. Where are your utterances really coming from? You’re hurt and speaking out to try to distance from the pain. You’re scared and trying to armor yourself with words. You’re angry and slinging insult-trimmed arrows. You’re sad and seeking comfort from others.

Are your words really about your ex? Or are they about you?

Is it more impeccable to say,

“I’m frightened. I haven’t been alone in a long time and I don’t know if I can do it. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be a good parent for the kids. I’m worried that I can’t be strong enough for them.”

or

“My ex is such a terrible parent. Every little things is a battle. I don’t even think he/she thinks about the kids, much less wants to be there for them.” ?

This acceptance was extremely difficult for me. I felt justified in my anger and outrage and I needed to express it. I felt like he had stolen my voice by refusing to talk, so I screamed instead. I poured pages of vitriol into my journal, I sent him scathing emails and I cursed him to others.

But on some level, I knew that, while purgative, those strategies were limiting. When I painted him as the villain, I cast myself as the victim.

To release my bindings, I had to release him as well.

Do not expect perfection of yourself with the acceptance. You will be disappointed. Rather, keep it in mind and strive to express what you’re feeling underneath the chaos of the split. Try to avoid blaming, either yourself or your ex. Try to accept the entirety of your ex, from the person you loved to the one you no longer know. Speak to them both.

Related: The Blame Game

Don’t Take it Personally

I hadn’t read the book yet, but this little acceptance changed my life. When I embraced this message, I began to forgive and to release the anger. Before that point, I saw him as deliberately working to destroy me. On some level, I pictured him plotting in his basement office, stroking the soul patch on his chin,

“Let’s see… I’ve already maxed out this card. Hmmm…I know! I’ll use the one in her name so that she has to deal with it later. Okay, now that the financial ruin has been planned, what else can I do? Well, obviously, an affair would be upsetting. Now, where can I find a willing woman? Oh, and at some point, I’ll have to leave her – yeah, that will really destroy her! What would be the worst? In person? Phone call? Letter? Sticky note? Skywriting? I know! I’ll do it with a text message. She’ll never see that coming!”

Pretty crazy, huh? I was taking it personally. In reality, he was not thinking of my well-being any more than I considered his during the divorce. Once I realized that his decisions and actions were about him, not me, I could stop reacting defensively and start seeing more rationally. He was hurting too.

It is difficult in a divorce to not take things personally. After all, you two were a partnership, a team, and now your partner has been recast as your adversary. It’s a wake-up call to realize how individual we really are. You were married to each other, yet you each experienced the marriage through your own experiences and perceptions. We can have empathy for another yet we have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Our egos take a beating in divorce. They perceive any attack as directed and they try to fight back. Put down the gloves and accept that the ego is simply protesting, much like a child throwing a tantrum. Let it cry. Let it scream. And then wipe its tears.

Related:Pardon Me, Ego. I Need to Get Through

Don’t Make Assumptions

Divorce is a time of great unknowns. Our brains hate the unknown, those gaps in the narrative. They strive to fill in the missing pieces. The medium used? Assumptions.

We assume we know why our ex is acting a certain way. We assume we know how he or she will respond. We assume that their actions and words accurately reflect their beliefs (as though they are impeccable when we are not).

We respond to assumptions rather than reality, building an entire relationship based upon an ever-weakening foundation of expectations.

We reach conclusions before we listen. We anticipate before we observe. We expect instead of accept.

Assumptions are a surefire way of maintaining your suffering. You are all but guaranteed to be hurt and disappointed when you live off expectations. This is yet another way that we can keep ourselves in the no-responsibility victim role, as we can see our hopes dashed again and again.

A divorce begins with letting go of the assumption that your marriage would last forever. The pain of the divorce will continue as long as you hold on to your other expectations. There is peace in letting go.

Related: Quitting vs. Letting Go

Always Do Your Best

Be gentle with yourself. You have suffered a great loss.

Be patient with yourself. It takes time to heal.

Be loving with yourself. You are deserving.

Be kind to yourself. You are not your mistakes.

Be firm with yourself. Always strive to do better.

…and recognize that your ex is probably doing his or her best as well.

Accept.

 

originally published in 2013

Jumping to Conclusions

Posted on by stilllearning2b
jumping to conclusions

My 8th graders are finishing up a unit on geometric proofs. This material has even my live-and-breathe-math kids questioning, “When will we ever have to use this?”

And I’m honest with them. I confess that they will never be asked to write a two-column proof justifying why two triangles are congruent in order to clinch a job interview. No romantic interest will ever look over their paragraph constructed to show that a quadrilateral is, in fact, a rectangle and criticize the fact that they failed to correctly use the slopes to show right angles. In fact, the only time that this exact skill will come in handy is if they happen to become math teachers. (In fact, I’m kicking myself now for making my way through 9th grade geometry in a zombie-like haze.)

But I don’t stop there.

“Forget the content for a moment,” I advise them. “What does this process, as painful as it may be, actually teach you?”

There are confused looks. A few random and half-hearted attempts to answer my question. And then I hear it from the back corner –

 

“It teaches us how to think. How to move from one fact to another and not jump to conclusions.”

 

When I was four, I had not yet had the benefit of geometric proofs to teach me how to think. At my grandmother’s house, I would spend hours sitting by her side as she narrated her way through countless family photos. Photos, that were for the most part, in black and white.

So I reached the obvious (well, to a four-year-old at least), conclusion: the world used to be in black and white.

That made sense. But I still struggled to understand how my grandmother, who sat next to me in full color, could have become pigmented as a young adult. I wrestled with this dilemma for a time until I finally solved the problem (and felt quite proud of myself for my powers of deduction) –  Rainbow Brite was responsible for bringing color to the world.

Well, it sure seemed reasonable then.

I had leaped from one fact – photos had transitioned from black and white to color over time – to a completely arbitrary conclusion that was based solely on the information generated within my own mind.

That particular assumption was harmless (and humorous). But that’s not always the case.

 

Once we believe something, even if we leapt recklessly to that opinion, we then proceed to ignore that which doesn’t support our conclusion. 

 

We become willfully blind. Feeding on an information diet filtered through confirmation bias. Conclusions, like habits, are much more difficult to shape once they’ve hardened into place. The time to be careful is when you’re laying down the initial layers. Jumping to conclusions has a tendency to keep you in one place.

And that’s what my students are learning. Just like you can’t claim that an angle is right because it “looks” like 90º, you can’t assume things in life just because it “feels” a certain way. 

It’s harder in life than in the classroom. After all, the stakes are higher when you’re you’re talking about real life instead of a poorly drawn polygon. Yet the lesson is still the same as we learn how to not carelessly jump to conclusions:

 

Base everything on the facts.

Move from one fact to another. No jumping.

Accept that there may be more than one correct way to link these facts and don’t be afraid to explore these options.

Ask for another person’s opinion. Sometimes a fresh set of eyes will see something you do not.

When you have enough facts, make a conclusion.

If you find other facts that refute your conclusion, be ready with the eraser.

In fact, actively look for ways that your reasoning may be wrong. That’s how you test its strength.

It’s okay to make temporary assumptions to test a theory, but refrain from putting it in writing until you can prove it using facts.

 

Here’s an example of how I put this into practice in my own life as it pertains to learning to trust again after betrayal.

 

The Problem With Doing What You Know

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started teaching math, I followed the general wisdom of the time that the majority of independent practice should take place outside of the limited classroom time.  As I was advised, I took grades on homework completion, quickly glancing at thirty-plus student papers filled with equations before going over the answers.

At that time, if you had asked me which students would be successful in algebra at the end of the term, I would have replied confidently, “Well, the ones who do all their homework, of course.”

I would have been wrong.

Because what I was unaware of at the time is how many of the students were completing their homework, yet because of some critical misconceptions about the topic, did every problem wrong. Even worse, when the class went over the assignment, they discounted their errors as one-time mistakes or simply careless omissions instead of the deeper misunderstandings that they were.

And by asking the students to complete their assignments in the relative vacuum of home, I was providing the opportunity for them to continue to practice the material incorrectly, thus solidifying the errors. Without outside feedback, they lost perspective on their choices and their progress.

Because if we do something enough, we begin to believe it’s right thing.

When the only voice we listen to is our own, we fail to account for our misjudgments and we lose track of improvement. 

When we do only what we know, our established neural pathways and assumptions become deep-worn grooves, lessons practiced and mastered, even if the conclusions aren’t accurate.

It’s easy to operate like those responsible students, dutifully completing every task that crosses our path. It’s easy to believe we’re doing the right thing because we’re doing some-thing. And it’s easy to discount any missteps as purely accidental or careless when they’re really because of some deeper understanding.

Before my first full year of teaching was out, I changed the structure of my class. I gave more time in class for independent practice and I always devised a strategy for students to verify their answers before the bell. I emphasized the importance of mistakes and that refusing to admit one is the worst mistake of all. I focused more on the quality of work completed than the quantity, making deals with the more reticent students that low homework grades could be modified upon successfully mastering a concept on a quiz.

That year taught me the danger of doing only what you know. I initially modeled my classroom on what I had experienced as a student, and the results were suboptimal. My students were practicing the procedures they knew, reinforcing incorrect pathways.

Progress was made only when other perspectives were considered, assumptions were challenged, mistakes were admitted and risks were taken.

Because sometimes the best step to take is the one into the unknown.

The Two Words You Should Never Say

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often utter these two words under the guise of empathy and compassion.

We say them almost automatically when something said triggers a memory in ourselves.

But when we say these words, we are not being empathetic. Or compassionate.

We are being egotistical and worst and narrow-minded at best.

Assuming that we know more and that others’ experiences parallel our own.

“I understand.”

Those two words are dismissive and minimizing.

Rather than provide comfort, they lend an air of superiority that leaves the “understood” one feeling invisible rather than appreciated as it reduces an entire lifetime of experiences and reactions to a mere sketch comprised of conjecture.

“I understand” is built upon a foundation of assumptions.

It assumes that everyone perceives as you do.

Feels as you do.

Responds as you do.

But they don’t.

You can relate. You can identify.

And you can certainly empathize.

But you will never understand.

It’s worse than simply putting words into someone’s mouth.

It’s also putting thoughts into their heads.

And feelings into their hearts.

We feel understood when somebody listens to us, not when they talk at us.

We feel understood when somebody accepts our perceptions rather than when they try to convince us of their own.

We feel understood when somebody honors and respects our differences instead of trying to reduce us to a common denominator.

And paradoxically, we often feel the most understood when somebody admits that they do not understand. And instead of offering words, they give the gifts of presence and kindness.

Because we don’t ever understand what somebody else is experiencing. But we all know what it’s like to be scared or hurting or confused. And we all know how important it is to feel understood and accepted.

So rather than saying you understand their situation, demonstrate that you understand that you cannot fully comprehend their pain yet you can support them just the same.

Be receptive rather than prescriptive.

Ask instead of tell.

And listen more than you speak.

For more on the idea of assuming understanding, read this post on The Good Men Project.