Tips for Surviving a Malignant Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
malignant divorce

malignant divorce

Divorces are never easy; lives are torn asunder, feelings are trampled and insecurities raised, and both parties are left with a great sense of loss and often failure.  Some divorces turn ugly, with both partners lashing out at each other, trying desperately to hold onto the children, home, or things from the marriage.  Yet others hide a quiet malignancy, one partner using manipulative tactics to attempt to undermine and discredit  the other.  This is the divorce with which I am familiar.  (How it Began)

How to Diagnose a Malignant Divorce

If you are facing a malignant divorce from a spouse who seems to feel no empathy and will seemingly stop at nothing to transfer blame, you will not have an easy road ahead.  You will find that those around you mostly likely believe that it takes two to make a marriage fail, and they will be all too quick to accept your ex’s explanations as to your part in the demise of the union, even if they are complete fabrications.  The truth is that many people do not know how to recognize these pathological narcissists, so they try to fit the divorce into the only mental model they have.  All of this can leave you feeling even more alone and scared as you set out to defend yourself against the one you vowed to cherish.

Help! I’m Divorcing a Narcissist

These are some tips if you find yourself in the position of facing off against a malignant ex that will help you maintain your sanity and limit the damage done through the process.

Understand the System

The system is not designed to deal with this type of dishonesty, nor is it designed to protect marital victims.  This was my hardest and most painful lesson.  I expected there to be more accountability for him, but the reality is that someone, especially a gifted liar, can skate through relatively unscathed.  Not fair, but true.  In my case, the decree ordered that he make all kinds of restitution and work to absolve my name.  Not. One. Thing. Happened.  And there was nothing I could do other than waste time and money on another civil action.  It sucks.  It’s not fair.  But that is the way it is.  Let go of wanting your ex to face appropriate legal sanctions, as it may never happen.  You need to find a way to be okay regardless.

Marital Treason

Gather Evidence

This is critical when your ex will spin outrageous lies; you need to have anything and everything at your disposal to be able to refute his or her claims.  My ex took all of the financial and computer records with him, so I had to stretch to find any evidence.  Those little scraps of data were enough to have him arrested for bigamy, however.  Collect everything, even if think you do not need it.  This evidence can be used to back up your story and also build your credibility.  The officer that arrested my ex was treated to some believable stories by my ex (my favorite- he and I divorced in 2006 and I was remarried to a chiropractor named Mark (Marc?) Mercer and living in the next community over), but he very quickly came to trust my side as I emailed and faxed him one document after another.  I felt utter relief as the first non-family member saw through the lies.

Reality Anchor

Find something, some place, or someone that is your anchor to reality.  The world of the pathological liar is a crazy one and you have been brought along for the ride.  There will be times when you begin to doubt yourself, begin to feel as though nothing is as it seems.  This is when you need to turn to your anchor to remind yourself of what is real and what is smoke and mirrors.  My anchor was his mug shot and an associated newspaper article from when he was arrested for felony bigamy.  I carried that picture in my purse for almost a year.  Every time I would open another claim from his attorney or have to face someone in an official position, I would pull out that crinkled print-out and find my sanity again.

When is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Choose Your Battles

It can be so hard to listen to your ex’s inflated claims and not try to defend each one.  You will find that it is not even possible; he/she is adept at turning up the speed of the malicious game, distracting you with one lie while volleying two more.  Choose your battles.  Select the lies to tackle based on the impact they will have in the divorce.  Let the little ones go.  Some of the lies that made me the angriest were regarding the intimacy in our marriage.  I could have tried to refute those, but it would have been wasted energy and a difficult truth to prove.  I had to learn to believe in the truth, even when he was spewing lies.

A Letter to the IRS

Self-Care

Make no mistake; you are in a war.  It is critical that you take breaks between the battles to rest and care for yourself.  Spend time with friends that you know believe you and believe in you.  Go for a massage, tender comforting touch can help the soul heal.  Make sure to exercise, it can be a great tool for alleviating anxiety or reducing anger.  Try meditation when you are able.  You will need to stay healthy; don’t give your ex the power to take that away from you.

Why I Run

No Contact

In many divorces, the partners spend hours discussing the end of the relationship, its repercussions, and plans for the future. With a manipulative ex, there is nothing to be gained from contact, as they cannot be trusted.  See if you can get a no-contact clause in your separation.  Also, you may need to consider your physical safety.  My ex had never struck me, but I found myself physically afraid of this man who had become a stranger, set to destroy me.  I was unable to obtain a protective order due to a lack of history of abuse, but I did notify the police of the situation and they were able to do regular drive-bys.  Remove yourself from your ex.  He/she is not what you thought and contact will only serve to delay that realization. If you have children together, you will obviously have to have some communication but you can limit the type and frequency.

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Focus on Your Future

It is important throughout that you remember what is really important: you and your future.  You will not win all the battles, especially when your ex doesn’t play by the rules.  But, if you remember that your ultimate goal is to get out and get on, you will be okay.

Goal Post

Labels

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In the early months of the divorce, I was obsessed with labels. I needed to be able to classify everything, to make sense of the nonsensical.  It reminded me of a time when I was a kid.  My parents bought this little label maker that would print out stickers of what you typed.  I spent a day labeling everything in sight before the cost of the sticky paper brought my challenge to an end.

An electronic label maker, depicting buttons, ...
Image via Wikipedia

Most of my labeling energies went towards my ex.  Was he a narcissist, indifferent to those around him, viewing me as merely an object.  Was he an addict, as we found out after he left that he had been hiding alcohol consumption.  Perhaps he could be a sociopath, devoid of any sense of right or wrong.  Maybe he was depressive, and unable to make clear decisions. Of course,  he could just be a jerk.  Each of these labels had evidence to support their application, but there was also evidence against it.  I went round and round, sure that if I just knew what to call it, I would find understanding.

I fought against the labels that may have been applied to me by my psychiatrist.  Each visit, biweekly at first, she would ask me if I was suicidal.  I bristled at the thought that she contemplated applying that label to me.  Each visit, I denied it vehemently, hoping that my insistence would keep that word from my file.

Even the divorce itself had labels.  I was the one to file, as he just planned to run away.  Originally, I was going to do a divorce by publication, as we did not know where he was.  That progressed to a no-fault divorce once I found him, but before we knew of the bigamy.  The bigamy changed the label again to a fault divorce.

None of these labels mattered.  My ex is who he is, regardless of what I call him.  My psychiatrist supported me with the medication I needed no matter the words she wrote on my file.  And divorce is horrendous, despite the category it falls under.  Just like those sticky labels I applied as a kid, labels can be applied, removed, and reapplied without changing the object beneath.  Apart from a little residue, that is.

If You’re Going to Be a Scumbag, It’s Best Not to Have a Dog

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I can thank a dog for my current relationship.  I had gone out on two Match.com dates with my current partner, but was leaning towards another guy (foolish, I know).  Then, I received an email that he had rescued a puppy and he attached a picture of the cutest pup with the biggest head I had ever seen.  Well, I simply HAD to pay a visit to the puppy, didn’t I?

I was impressed that evening, with the dog, but mainly with his owner.  The pup was around 6 months old and had been rescued about 6 weeks prior.  He was calm, secure, and very obedient.   I’ve watched enough Cesar Millan to know that this says more about the owner than the dog.  I learned more about my boyfriend’s character that night through his dog than I had in two dates.  I still had trouble trusting words that were spoken to me, but I knew that his relationship with his dog and his dog’s behavior could not be faked.

Dogs have an amazing ability to see inside a person.  They do not fall for external appearances; they see through that smile to the emotions hidden below.  Their behavior reflects that of the humans around them; if their owners are stressed and unbalanced, they will be too.  They are mirrors.  If I had been more astute, I might have picked up on this from the dogs I had in my marriage; they became stressed and withdrawn, especially the dog that was my husband’s.

So if you’re a scumbag and want to keep that fact hidden, it’s probably best that you don’t get a dog.  They just might reveal your true nature.

Now that’s a balanced, happy pit bull!

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Family Guy: It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Ma...
Image via Wikipedia

One of the responses I frequently get to my story is, “What an idiot for getting caught.”  He wasn’t an idiot, but he certainly underestimated me.

In my former life, I had a tendency to want to turn away from anything scary or ugly.  My ex obviously knew this, and he exploited it towards the end of the marriage.  I believe that he thought I would be so shocked and devastated by the “good-bye” text, that I would be paralyzed with fear.  He thought wrong.  Instead of hiding, instead of turning away, I was driven to find out what happened.

First, let me clarify.  The text was abrupt.  Sudden.  The marriage that I knew, that he led me to see, was good.  He refused to respond to any calls or texts after he left.  He took all but one of the computers (mine), all of the financial documents, and strange things (like the discs that held the papers I wrote for grad school).  The passwords on all of the accounts had been changed.  It made no sense.

So, I immediately went into detective mode.  By getting into the financial accounts, I learned of an affair and financial deceptions going back years.  I also learned where he currently was staying (a few states over).  It gave some answers.  He emails gave the rest.  Because of the way our accounts were linked, I was able to see the messages sent to his junk folder, which included those that were carbon copied.

It only took a few days for the first interesting email to come through.  This one indicated plans for a visa for an upcoming trip to Uganda with the mistress.  Interesting.  Seemed like he was running.

The big shocker came three days after that.  A message I had to read several times to grasp the meaning of.  It initiated from a band in the town where he was staying.  It seems they were looking for payment for a wedding they had recently performed at.  His wedding.

Oops.

That started the chain that led to his arrest and bigamy charge.

UrbanArtMusicalEnsembles.DCS.WDC.28jul08
UrbanArtMusicalEnsembles.DCS.WDC.28jul08 (Photo credit: ElvertBarnes)

 

Lesson 1: Don’t underestimate yourself; you are capable of more than you ever know.

Lesson 2: Don’t run away from your fears; they grow more powerful when ignored.

Lesson 3: If you’re going to get married illegally, be sure to pay the band.

Dear Ms. Manners: The Etiquette of Bigamy

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Defenders of Marriage
Defenders of Marriage (Photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com)

Like most people, I never though much about bigamy.  If pressed on the issue, I would have mentioned Showtime’s Big Love, where one man has several wives and they operate as a single family.  When bigamy entered into my life, it was so absurd, so out there, that the only way that I could respond was with humor.  Because bigamy is not normally discussed in polite company, I had some issues arise that I wasn’t sure how to handle gracefully.

There was an 8 month period that the two of us were married to my ex.  During this time, I referred to her as, “my husband’s wife.” This was wordy and awkward, and caused eyebrows to furrow in confusion.  I needed a more direct and concise way to refer to her.  I propose (no, not THAT kind of propose!) that we create the term, “wife-in-law” or “husband-in-law” to describe a spouse’s new spouse.  Which I guess now makes her my ex-wife-in-law.  And, if they are divorced, my ex-ex-wife-in-law.  Damn. Wordy again.

Is it strange that I felt a bit slighted that I was not invited to their wedding?  My understanding is that it is rude  to invite one partner in a marriage and not the other to a co-ed event.  It would have been even funnier if the invitation was addressed in the formal manner: Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Husband’s Name.  It could get a bit confusing.

As it was, I didn’t find out about the wedding until a few days after it occurred.  Then, I was left with the dilemma of a wedding gift.  Is one obligated to purchase a gift for a spouse’s wedding?  Or, did the fact that my paycheck purchase their wedding rings count as a gift?  Maybe a congratulations card?  Or, in this case, a condolence card to her?

You see, it all gets so confusing.

In all seriousness, I was glad to discover that he solidified the relationship with a felony.  Unlike many caught in the crazy world of divorce, where one partner lies and manipulates the system to try to harm the other, creating an endless he-said, she-said, I had proof that my husband lied.  I had irrefutable evidence of infidelity.  I had a mugshot and a felony charge to support my case.  I am thankful for all of that, but I am sorry that my ex-wife-in-law became another of his victims.  I hope that she, too, has learned lessons from her marriage.