Meet Where You Are

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This post originally appeared on the site Eat live life, which is dedicated to empowering people with knowledge so that they can maximize their own wellness. Check out the site; there’s some great information for everyone!

 

Meet Where You Are

When I walked into my first yoga class after my divorce, I had no idea what I was about to encounter. I signed up simply looking for some relief for my tense muscles and maybe some balm for my anxious mind. I had hopes of the class providing structure for my unraveling life and maybe even a dash of eye candy thrown in as a bonus. What I found instead was wisdom that really had nothing to do with yoga.

Upon signing in, I warned the instructor that I was a runner and about as supple as a lead pipe. I didn’t mention the recent divorce, but the fact that my shoulders had taken up permanent residence by my ears hinted to some sort of life stress. The teacher laughed, and said, “You’ll need these then,” as she handed me two dense foam blocks. “In yoga, you meet the body where it is.”

I smiled politely back at her after uttering a “Thanks,” having no idea what she meant by her declaration; it sounded more like new age mumbo jumbo than anything that would actually help. After all, even those this was my first bona fide class, I had been down dogging from DVDs (or even VHS) for years and, as far as I knew, I had never “met” my body.

I was fine through the first few poses; none of them placed any demands on my perpetually shortened hamstrings. As I stood strong in warrior, I started to gain confidence in my body and my strength. That confidence quickly faded as we were instructed to straighten our front leg and fold over towards the floor. I was engaged in a battle of wills with my hamstring and I was determined to win.

I strained my body down as I forced the leg back. Beads of sweat flowed down my face mixed with tears born of frustration. I was accustomed to using my strength to see me through, to lowering my head and fighting through the pain.

Just as I re-intensified my efforts, I felt a gentle hand on my lower back. “In yoga, we meet the body where it is,” the instructor reminded, placing two blocks under my hands. Immediately, my brain stopped sending its panic signals. My hamstrings relaxed and opened as the gripping faded in both mind and body. I started to tease the boundary of discomfort, finding that there was a place where I could push without panic. As my breath flowed back into my body, I realized that I had been holding it.

Not just during the class.

But during the last few months.

I had been approaching my divorce much like I started that yoga class – head strong and patience weak. I hardened in the face of the pain, the situations that caused me to stretch beyond my current abilities. I gripped in both mind and breath and tensed for the next wave of suffering.

In life, we can meet ourselves where we are.
We can accept help.

We can make adjustments.

We can approach change as we’re able, slowly stretching into the discomfort.

We can limit suffering, not by pretending it doesn’t exist, but by letting the breath cushion its impact.

When I walked out of that yoga class that day, my hamstrings were more pliable. But even more importantly, my mind had softened.

 

What Are You Waiting For?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you ever had the flu?

I mean the full-on, full-body type that leaves you shivering and feverish, an aching human husk collapsed beneath the covers. The rising temperature somehow short circuiting your brain until all thoughts are amorphous jello and the mind doesn’t even recognize its own attached body. The kind of illness where all you can do is stay beneath the sweat-stained sheets and wait it out, praying that it will slip out peacefully before it kills its hostage.

In those moments of acute illness, we have no choice; we are a prisoner of the poisons coursing through our bodies. All we can do is wait for the battle to be won before we begin the process of rebuilding strength and vitality.

But not all illnesses are so severe as to be debilitating.

Have you ever had a cold?

The kind that starts with that tell-tale scratch down the back of the throat before it progresses into a log jam in your sinuses. An illness that leaves you feeling depleted and irritated, especially when the cough lingers and refuses to vacate your rattled lungs. The encroaching mucus dampening your thoughts, like a heavy blanket slowing you down.

In those moments of lingering illness, we have a choice. We can back off from life and retreat to the blanket on the sofa, waiting weeks for the symptoms to retreat. Or, we can address the features of the illness with medicines and modalities while we continue to live our lives, even if they are slightly reserved.

 

The first days and weeks of divorce certainly feel like the flu.

You may well be flattened. Dependent upon others for every care.

Disconnected from your life and from your self.

But divorce is not an acute illness.

It’s a lingering one.

If you wait until you are healed to begin living, you will be wasting many precious days while sitting under the covers.

 

So, what are you waiting for?

 

I know you hurt.

But pain does not preclude life.

I know you think about the past.

But the past only steals the present if you let it.

I know you feel the empty ache of loss.

But wallowing in the hole won’t help to fill it.

I know you’re not healed.

But you’re also not contagious and life itself acts as a soothing balm.

 

So, what are you waiting for?

Get out there and live your life.

Embrace the possibilities and celebrate the successes.

The healing will happen alongside.

 

A Message to Those in Pain From Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
wish I had known

Be What You Want to Attract

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We have a friend who is recently back in the dating scene. When asked what he is looking for, he describes a woman who is motivated, smart, stable and successful. Sounds great, doesn’t it? His problem is that what he attracts doesn’t tick off all four of those desires. She may be smart, but unmotivated, content with the status quo. Or maybe she is successful but also unstable, acting as a drama conduit into the relationship. He knows that these women exist; he sees them every day. He just can’t understand why he does not seem to attract them.

Relationships are not like magnets. With dating, like attracts like. In other words, be what you want to attract.

The reason that he is not finding what he desires is that he does not yet fulfill all of those listed categories himself. Before he can find the woman of his dreams, he has to first turn himself into the man of her dreams.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is entering relationships with the intent of changing the other person. Relationships always require change and compromise. But not for your partner. For yourself.

In the best relationships, your partner does not try to change you. Rather, you want to change yourself in order to be better for your partner.

The first step in dating is deciding what you want and then taking an honest look at yourself to see if you are what you want to attract. If you want motivated, do you continually work to improve yourself? If you want stable, do you avoid needless drama and have your life together? If you want happy, are you happy? If you want trustworthy, do you act with integrity? If you want fit, are you able to turn away from the doughnut table?

If you’re having trouble attracting the men or women you would like, look at the commonalities of those you do attract. There are clues there that will alert you to your own areas of need. Do you repeatedly draw people who always seem to be in crisis? If so, you may have an intensity set point that is too high. Are you attracted to people that always seem to need to be taken care of? Perhaps your own well-being is based on being needed and your own sense of self-worth needs some work.

The partners in a relationship should not complete each other; they should complement each other.

If you want a healthy relationship, the first step is making yourself a healthy individual. Remember – like attracts like. When you’re awesome, that’s what you’ll find.

 

 

Footprints on My Heart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The following was one of the responses to my most recent piece on The Good Men Project about how to love someone who is dealing with issues from past relationships:

 

“I however chose to heal alone and become complete and empowered before seeking a new love. The newly divorced me and the three years divorced me are two very different people and I choose different men also. My baggage was quite a weight to carry, but has made me stronger and I’m more skilled in moving through my life with it. I dont think I would be as adept had I dove into seeking assistance with it.”

 

In some respects, I completely agree with her. I was also significantly altered by my divorce and my interests and attractions changed as a result. I also fully support the idea that it is important to address your trauma and that it is necessary to be whole and happy on your own before you’re even ready to contemplate the idea of a new relationship. And, contrary to how she seems to view my situation, I certainly don’t support diving into a new relationship with the goal of being “saved.”

 

But from there, our opinions diverge.

 

It is not possible to completely heal alone.

Yes, you can learn how to be okay on your own. You can address any triggers or trauma that intrude upon your single life.

But as soon as a relationship enters the picture, new issues, related to the past, will emerge that were unnoticed while alone.

And you learn and adapt.

And then the relationship moves to another level, requiring additional vulnerability and trust. And again, the past will whisper.

So you learn and adapt again.

 

Healing is much more about experiences than time. And some of those experiences can only be done with another.

 

I find that each “first…since” is another trigger potential and another opportunity for healing –

The first time living with a man since my ex.

The first time trusting someone since my ex.

The first time buying a house since my ex.

The first basement-finishing project since my ex.

The first (and last!) time marrying since my ex.

And, soon, the first cruise since my ex (yippee!!!).

 

None of those are a sign that I am not healed enough to be in a relationship again. They are simply a sign that the past left its footprints on my heart.

And just like steps, they have to be taken one at a time.