We Are the Sum of Our Experiences

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As I mentioned recently, I’m in the early stages of making a major change in my life. This early stage of not-knowing is uncomfortable and so my inclination is to quickly make a decision so that I can disguise my anxiety about the uncertainty as busyness towards the goal.

To help fight that tendency, I’m setting goals for each of the next few months that force me to stay in this open-and-curious and also scared-shitless stage. My goal for January (which I actually started a few weeks ago) was to listen – to myself and to others.

And it’s been eye-opening. First, I’ve had to be very careful with myself as my discomfort with not-knowing has made me prone to all-too-quickly agreeing with the confident wisdom contributed by others.

Secondly, I’ve had to become very cognizant of the filters that the offered wisdom has percolated through before it has reached my eyes or ears.

When it comes to life, we are what we have experienced. This results in the following truisms that become important when we relate to other people:

 

  1. Other people’s experiences do not mirror your own.

  2. Everybody responds from their own experiences.

  3. Somebody else’s experience does not invalidate your own.

Other people’s experiences do not mirror your own.

At some point, all of us have sat through a 6th grade math class. Yet, if I asked each of you to reflect on that class, what it made you feel like and what role it has played in your life, I would receive thousands of different responses.

Were you confident in math or was it a subject that always made you feel like you were lacking? Or, did you excel in elementary school and started to have doubts about your ability creep in during 6th grade? Was your teacher encouraging or a bully? Were you at a new school or surrounded by lifelong friends? Was school a respite from a horrible home life or a place that filled you with dread?

 

Everybody responds from their own experiences.

Think about how that experience will shape your mindset as you prepare to meet your own child’s 6th grade math teacher. Even though your kid may be very different than you were at that age, your experiences are going to impact what advice and feedback you deliver to them. Some of that advice may me pertinent to your child and the situation at hand, and other suggestions may be misinformed because they are a response to your experiences, not your child’s. Yet no matter how much you try to relate to your child only from the present, you cannot erase your own experience. In a very real way, it’s what you know.

 

Somebody else’s experience does not invalidate your own.

Even in a school reunion, where everybody is reflecting on the same teacher and the same class, each person will remember something slightly different. One may recall the taunting afternoon sunlight that always distracted them from the instruction while another student, who sat out of view of the window, has no recollection of the time of day the class was held. One may recount the joy of being challenged by the Problem Of the Week while another remembers those same problems as a source of anxiety and dis-inspiration. Just as one former student shouts out, “She was the best teacher ever!” another announces, “That teacher made me think I was stupid.”

And all of those experiences are simultaneously correct. Just because one student hated the class, does not mean that the teacher was ineffective. That class may have been a turning point for one student and a completely forgettable class for another. One person’s experience has no bearing on another’s.

 

Experiences depend upon two characteristics: perspective and connections.

 

Perspective

Even when we share an experience with others, we all have our own perspective of the event. The perspective is formed based on our relationship to the experience.

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Connections

No experience exists in isolation. We are not blank slates; we come into every experience with our past – even our distant past – setting up certain expectations. Whatever is occurring concurrent with the experience will inevitably alter its greater meaning. Even what happens after can change an experience as you re-evaluate in light of new information.

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So what does this mean?

  • Don’t expect that other people are experiencing the same thing you are even if the external situation is the same.

 

  • Avoid assuming that your experience is identical to theirs and expecting that what worked for you will automatically work for them. We all have different perspectives and assign different meaning to experiences.

 

  • When you feel misunderstood, take a moment and remember that they are responding from their experience. It’s not a matter of them not wanting to understand you; it’s a matter of a different frame of reference.

 

  • Listening is perhaps the biggest gift we can give another.

 

  • Empathy is important in relating to others, yet it also has its limitations. We can imagine what something is like, but it’s important to know that the imagined is not the same as the reality.

 

  • We tend to feel defensive when we feel like somebody’s experience is threatening our own. Remember that both experiences can be true at the same time.

 

  • Be careful with the stories you tell yourself around your experiences. Going back to the 6th grade math class, a student that struggled could hold on to the belief that they’re dumb and bad at math or they could choose to see that as an assumption to be challenged and work to prove it wrong.

 

  • We learn from others, even – maybe especially – when their experiences are different than our own.

A Guidebook to Handling Your Emotions

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We don’t come with emotion-handling software already installed. As young children, we were pure, unrestrained emotion. Any disappointment resulted in a red and tear-stained face and joy over the smallest delight would result in spontaneous and unselfconscious giggles.

And then, over the years, we received guidance on how to handle our emotions. Some of us heard the message that emotions are a sign of weakness and should be avoided at all cost. Others grew up in environments where emotions were a form of currency, used to get what you want from those around you.

Regardless of our particular emotional education, few of us mastered the curriculum by adulthood.

So here’s a little guidebook, a brief refresher on how to handle your emotions. Don’t worry if you still struggle with these reminders. Learning how to be human takes a lifetime.

 

Do Be Curious…Don’t Judge

It always breaks my heart a little when I hear someone say, “I shouldn’t feel that way.” Because they DO feel that way. And that is entirely okay. Judgment doesn’t make the emotion go away. All it does is frost it with a layer of self-criticism. Instead of judging the emotion, try asking yourself, “I wonder why I’m feeling this way?”

 

Do Approach…Do Not Attach

We are busy. And with so many tasks and people and apps always demanding our attention, our own internal emotional landscape often takes the back burner. Yet even if we don’t take the time to look, it’s still there, influencing everything that comes into our sphere. Slow down. Take a moment to notice how you’re feeling. Name it. But don’t become too comfortable. Emotions, like clouds, often pass. If you attach too much with a certain feeling, you’re interrupting this natural cycle.

Do Moderate…Don’t Bury

It’s a good thing that most of us have gotten better at handling emotions over time. An entire office building of tantruming workers would be a little awkward. We need to be able to dial down our emotional intensity and filter our emotions through perspective and rationality. Yet sometimes we take this too far, stuffing down our emotions and locking them away. Of course, they are still there. Only now instead of whispering, they’re going to start screaming.

 

Do Accept…Don’t Enable

You feel the way you feel. That’s okay. What’s NOT okay is to cater to those feelings like they are some sort of monarch. For example, if you feel sad, feel sad. But you don’t need to work to become the best iteration of sadness that ever existed. Instead, feel sad and also hold yourself to your goals. And remember, you are not your feelings.

 

Do Direct…Don’t Control

Have you ever told a hyper toddler to just sit still in a restaurant? How did that work out for you? Obviously, you can’t just let them unleash the beast within the establishment, but you can take them for a walk around the parking lot before dinner. Our emotions respond in much the same way. If you try to order them to sit and stay, disaster will ensure (and you may be thrown out of the restaurant), but you can channel your emotional energy in acceptable ways.

 

Do Listen…Don’t Believe Everything They Say

Our emotions are worth listening to. Our rational brains may be smart, but they are also prone to all sorts of fallacies and delusions (confirmation bias, anyone?). Our emotions operate a different level and are often able to pick up on things that our thinking selves are trying to talk us out of seeing. So listen. But also verify. Because much like the dog that sometimes barks at a falling leaf, our emotions sometimes get a little confused about what constitutes an actual threat. Feelings are not facts.

 

Do Share…Don’t Expect a Certain Response

We are emotional beings. It’s okay to show your feelings. Yet so often when we do share, we do so with an expectation of how the other person will respond. And then if our expectations are unmet, we blame the emotion. When really the fault is with the unrealistic expectations. Emotions are uniquely personal. Although we all feel the same ones, we don’t always feel them in the same way or in response to the same things.

 

 

 

 

A Complete Guide to Coping Strategies During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is a time when you need to have every possible coping strategy at the ready because it seems that every day brings with it a new challenge.

It also seems like everyone is ready with advice – do this, don’t do that. Usually offered with compassion even when it’s off-base.

And the combination can often feel overwhelming as you’re trying to navigate your new reality and filter out the advice that works for you.

So here’s your guide –

 

The Three Ground Rules of Coping Strategies During Divorce

 

1. Do what works for you; not what someone tells you to do.

Breaking news – we are not all the same. What worked miracles for one person might be a total dud for you. When you receive advice, consider the source. Do they have your best interests at heart? Do they know you? Even if the answer to those is “yes,” you have permission to ignore the suggestion if it does not resonate with you. Remember – you are the expert on you.

 

2. Try many things. Keep what works.

Finding coping strategies that work is a bit like trying to locate a pair of jeans that fit after you’ve experienced a significant change in body type. If you only try on a couple, it’s easy to declare that “it’s impossible.” Gather many options with the understanding that most will be discarded.

 

3. What works today may not work tomorrow.

As you progress, your needs – and what works to address them – will change. Don’t be afraid to retire coping strategies that have lost their effectiveness. That is not a sign of giving up or an indication of failure. Your strategies need to adapt as you do.

 

 

Your Coping Strategy Toolkit

 

Strategies to Survive Financially

  • Start by assessing where you stand. It’s all-too-easy to catastrophize the situation when you don’t yet have all the facts. Figure out exactly what is coming in, going out and what type of credit you have available.
  • Consider low-cost attorneys or mediation for divorce. Before allocating money to the courts, make sure you research what you’re getting for that expense.
  • Be ruthless in designating your financial priorities. A setback in lifestyle now is worth it for financial security later.
  • Utilize these psychological hacks to help you save money.
  • Find a way to keep track of your progress towards your goals. Make it visual and tangible.
  • Tie a dreaded financial task with something pleasant or positive. For example, every month when I made a payment towards the debt my ex incurred, I wrote something that I was thankful for in my new life. I pretended like the payment was going towards these positive changes.
  • Remember that your bank account does not determine your worth and that improving finances takes time.

 

Strategies For Sleep

  • Make your bedroom a sanctuary as much as possible. If this was your shared space with your ex, do whatever you can to reclaim it. Move the furniture. Buy new bedding. Surround yourself with things that make you feel secure and loved and remove anything with too much emotional attachment. Refrain from using the space to look at old pictures, prepare documents for the divorce, etc.
  • If you’re feeling anxious, wait to try to go to bed. If you wake up and can’t fall back asleep within a few minutes, get out of bed. Have an activity designated for those nights that’s always at the ready so that you don’t spend your time doing something that will ultimately make you feel worse (social media, looking through old pictures, etc.). Some ideas to consider – a puzzle, a book, baking, walking, journaling, etc.
  • Have a routine where you prime your mind for positive thoughts and/or purge negative ones before sleep. Journaling and gratitude journals are good for this.
  • Try podcasts and/or sleep stories (available through apps or YouTube) to help distract your mind as you fall asleep.
  • If your bed feels empty, try a weighted blanket or large heavy pillow to help to fill the space and provide a sense of physical comfort.

 

Strategies to Reconnect Mind and Body

  • Yoga can be a phenomenal tool to help bring you back to your body and breath during times of stress. Here’s a discussion of the benefits it can bring and what to look for in finding the right practice for you.
  • Try mindfulness apps or reminders on your devices. If meditation takes your mind to bad spaces right now, try something more active – walking, baking, playing an instrument.
  • Get a massage. Non-sexual and no-expectations touch can be very healing. It’s amazing how much of our emotional pain becomes stored in the body. Massage helps to release it and, perhaps more importantly, increases our awareness of this physical manifestation.
  • Try a breathing strategy. There are many of these (box breathing, alternate nostril breathing, 4 7 8 breathing, etc.). They all help to calm the nervous system and interpret the “fight or flight” response.
  • Play with temperature extremes. Sometimes when we’re stressed, our bodies become almost numb. Saunas, steam rooms, and alternate hot and cold pools can help to release tension and also wake the body back up.

 

Strategies to Maintain Energy and Motivation

  • Exercise. Inertia is real. When you’ve been at rest too long, you stay at rest. So get – and stay – moving. Find the type of exercise that works for you (solo or group, indoors or outdoors, morning or evening, cardio or strength, skill-based or mindless) and do it.
  • Give yourself quality fuel. You may be drawn to “comfort” foods, but those tend to drain us instead of feed us. Think of this as healing from an illness or injury. Quality nutrition matters just as much when we’re healing from emotional wounds.
  • Set goals for yourself. They can be small and they don’t have to even have anything to do with healing from divorce. Make them achievable, measurable and tangible. Write them down and put them where you’ll see them. Track them and celebrate your progress.
  • Build in structure and accountability. It’s normal to feel a lack of motivation during the overwhelm of divorce. When the internal is flailing, put in the external supports (here are 5 ideas).
  • Allow yourself permission to rest. Build in breaks. Schedule them ahead of time and take them guilt-free. I like to see them as refueling stations on a run.
  • Create two lists – “Things I can control” and “Things I can’t control.” Make sure your energy (which is a limited resource) is going to those things you can control.

 

Strategies to Process Emotion

 

Strategies for Parenting

  • Generate a list of what is most important to you for your children (values, experiences, feelings, etc.). Seek to ensure that those get priority and give yourself permission to relax on the rest. For example, if it’s important to you that your kids know that they are loved, expressing and showing that on a regular basis is important. Having the perfect birthday party is not.
  • Outsource some of the duties. If you can, hire help with housework or transportation. Trade with another parent so that you have more flexibility.
  • Have your own outlets for emotional outbursts and difficult conversations. You can’t keep it together all of the time. You have to keep it together for the kids and so you also need opportunities to let yourself fall apart.
  • If you have shared physical custody, plan ahead for those times when your home is empty. Don’t let yourself wallow.
  • If coparenting is a struggle, research different approaches and strategies. Consider hiring a mediator if needed.
  • Focus on the positive. Here are 7 things that divorce actually teaches children. Divorce is hard, but it’s not all-bad.

 

Strategies for Work

  • Work can be both a respite and an impedance during divorce. Here is a collection of strategies you can try if you’re struggling to keep your mind on the tasks at hand and the emotion out of the office.

 

Strategies to Fill the Void

  • Think back to interests that you had during childhood that have been neglected. Are there any of those you want to pick up again?
  • Consider what you’re really missing when you say you miss your ex – the companionship, the adult helping with the kids, the shared history? Do you have other people or things in your life that can meet that need?
  • Looking for more ideas? Here are other ways that you can fill the void left after divorce. And if you’re feeling lonely, here are 52 different things you can try.

 

Strategies for Nurturing Self

  • Try cooking for yourself. In the most literal sense, you’re nurturing yourself and saying that you are worth the time and attention.
  • Set aside time to take care of yourself. If you don’t make it a priority, it won’t happen. So schedule it and set reminders.
  • Here are some other tips that you can try when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

 

Strategies for Escape

  • Be mindful about the digital content you consume. Instead of mindlessly Netflixing, find a series or movies that you truly enjoy and given them your attention.
  • Make a note of how you feel after time on social media. Consider blocking people, deleting apps or altering your feeds to create a more positive and uplifting environment.
  • Set a time limit for yourself on how many minutes or hours you will escape each day. Escape has its place, but it’s no place to live for the long run.
  • If you’re finding that you’re spending too much time escaping, confide in a friend and ask them to help by calling you out on your excessive behaviors. Often just being aware of them can help.

 

Strategies For Dealing With Others

  • Develop an “elevator speech” about what you’re dealing with that you can use when people inquire and you don’t want to go into detail. Keep it brief and practice it until you can deliver it without emotion.
  • Tell your support system what you need – and don’t need – from them. They want to help and will actually feel relieved it you can give them specific things they can do or say. (Or what NOT to say!)
  • Give yourself permission to take as many time outs as you need to. It’s okay to limit time with certain people.

 

The more coping strategies you try, the more likely you are to find some that will work. You CAN make it through this, but it won’t happen automatically. Healing is a process that requires that you be an active participant. So keep trying and keep taking those baby steps:)

What to Say (and NOT to Say) to Someone Going Through Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You have just learned that someone in your life is going through divorce and you want to know what you should say to them. Or, you’re facing divorce and you’re wondering why your friends and family seem intent on saying things that only make you feel worse.

With divorce, as in any major loss and transition, it’s difficult to know what to say. For those on the outside, they often want to offer support and comfort, yet surprise and a lack of awareness may lead to the proverbial foot in the mouth. And for those on the other side, heightened emotions and a life in flux may result in taking even the most innocuous statement as an intentional barb.

So this is a primer for both sides – for those going through divorce and for those in their lives.

What to Say, What NOT to Say and How to Respond

Don’t Say – “I know just how you feel.”

This is such a common response whenever somebody is dealing with something difficult. It almost always comes from a good place, a place of empathy and wanting to let the person know that they’re not alone. Yet we never understand exactly how somebody else is feeling. Even if the circumstances are identical, their own past and reactions will greatly impact how they respond.

Maybe Say This Instead – “I’ve been through similar. If you ever want to hear about what helped me, please let me know. “

This phrase lets them know that they’re not alone, both in the experience and in dealing with it. It communicates that there is common ground, but stops short of making assumptions.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

Accept this phrase in the spirit in which it was intended. They are wanting to reach out and they are putting themselves back in the place when something similar happened to them.

Don’t Say – “I get it. My partner never puts the dishes in the dishwasher and it drives me crazy.”

I seriously doubt that a messy kitchen is the reason for the divorce. Yes, those small domestic squabbles can be really annoying and you may have woken up to socks hanging off the cabinets and so you’re feeling especially irrupted with your spouse right now. But still comparing those daily struggles with divorce is minimizing and dismissive. Please complain to someone else right now.

Maybe Say This Instead – “This must be hard for you. I am sorry that this is something that you’re facing.”

If you can’t relate to the magnitude of a divorce, it’s okay. You don’t have to have been there in order to acknowledge that this is something difficult.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

Set boundaries. If you have people in your life that are using you to complain about their minor relationship issues, it’s okay to tell them that you cannot be the recipient of that right now. If they continue, limit your exposure until you’re in a better place.

Don’t Say – “I feel like a single parent because my spouse travels so much.”

I get it. Being a parent when your partner is always on the road, or at work or just absent in general is HARD. Hell, parenting no matter what is hard. But here’s the thing, you and your children are still a cohesive unit, even if it’s one whose operation is largely commanded by you. After divorce, there is grieving for the impact on the children and fear as to how everything will work out.

Maybe Say This Instead – “Being a single parent is hard. Let me know if you need help with transportation or just need somehow to bounce a decision off of.”

You’re acknowledging the challenge without participating in the comparison olympics. And even better, you’re suggesting some possible solutions to some of the difficulty.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

I know that these two situations are not the same thing, but try to see some of the similarities (because there are some). This person may be a good resource for you to help you navigate this new way of parenting and they may be a good companion on spouseless kid-friendly outings.

Don’t Say – “I would never divorce; I believe in working things out.”

That’s awesome. I admire that you’re not a quitter and that you’re not afraid of hard work. However, the reality is that many – if not most – of us that got divorced felt that same way at some point. Yet either we were given no choice or that became the best choice out of a sea of less-than-ideal options.

Maybe Say This Instead – “I know that this had to be a difficult decision.”

Trust that they are making the best choice for themselves and that they are not acting impulsively. If you’re not sure who initiated the divorce, a simple, “This sounds hard,” may be better.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

Divorce is often a major fear for anyone who is married, so your split may be a trigger for those around you. “I would never” is often code for, “That is my biggest fear and so I need to pretend that I have control over it.” Remember that what they are saying is more a reflection on them than a criticism of you.

Don’t Say – “Divorce is a sin”

This may be a core belief for you and so you’re truly concerned about their well-being and relationship with God. Yet you’re also not their spiritual advisor. There are basically two possibilities here – either they do not see divorce as a sin or it is against their beliefs and so this decision (which may indeed have been a life-or-death one) was made after many prayers and much reflection.

Maybe Say This Instead – “Do you have somebody to talk to? A counselor? A pastor?”

Questions and support will always be received better than judgment.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

Take a deep breath. Remember that your relationship with God is your business and have faith that you are doing the right thing for you.

Don’t Say – “You’re destroying your kids.”

Trust me, they are already feeling immense guilt for what this is doing to the kids. They don’t need your voice amplifying that. And it’s also not that simple. If there was abuse, divorce is clearly the preferable option for the kids. Even without abuse, kids often do better with two happy-yet-separate parents than two that are always fighting under the same roof.

Maybe Say This Instead – “How are the kids doing?”

This communicates that you’re thinking about the kids and also gives you a chance to see if any help is needed to ease the transition. Instead of shaming the parent for the divorce, maybe try to be another trusted adult that can help support the kids through this.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

They care about your kids. That’s pretty awesome. However, you also don’t have to listen to shaming and judgmental comments like that. It’s okay to say, “I’d appreciate it if you refrained from commenting on my parenting choices. I’ll reach out to you if I’m looking for ideas or advice.”

Don’t Say – “I never liked your spouse anyway.”

That may be true. Their ex may have been as awful as a Marvel villain from day one. But that’s not your conversation to initiate. Because even if they were awful, the person in front of you was in love with them at one time. Be considerate of that.

Maybe Say This Instead – “How are you doing with your ex right now?

This gives them to chance to let you know if they’re still in love, researching revenge fantasies or navigating a serviceable coparenting relationship.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

The more you communicate your needs, the more you’ll help those who want to support you and yourself. If you want companionship on the ex-bashing bus, say so. If you’re working hard to paint your ex in the best light possible, speak up. You can’t get mad at people for saying the wrong thing if you haven’t let them know what’s right.

Don’t Say – “What happened? Did they cheat? Did you cheat?”

I know you’re curious. Yet let the person dealing with the divorce decide how much they divulge and when they release that information. They may be trying to preserve their ex’s image for the sake of the kids or they may be ashamed of something that happened (or didn’t happen) behind closed doors.

Maybe Say This Instead – “I’m here for you when/if you want to talk.”

This is perhaps the best thing we can say to somebody who is dealing with any kind of thought situation. Be there and be willing to listen.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

You get to control the story. You decide what you’re comfortable sharing – and with whom. You don’t have to answer the questions that you’re asked.

Don’t Say – “Oh, you’ll bounce back in no time”

I know that you WANT them to be okay. You believe in their spirit and tenacity and you have faith that they will get through this. But right now, they feel like their world is ending. Hold space for that.

Maybe Say This Instead – “You’re strong. You WILL make it through this. And I’ll be here for you.”

You’re reminding them that this is the end of a chapter, not the end of their life. And you’re also not implying that this will be easy. Finally, you’re reminding them that they’re not alone as they navigate the divorce.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

You WILL make it through. Maybe not bouncing – at least not yet. But you WILL cross that finish line after divorce. Even if you’re crawling.

 

Twenty Tiny Tweaks to Help You Through Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is completely overwhelming. It tasks you with legal proceedings, life restructuring and relationship renegotiation all while you’re just trying not to drown in your own tears. Some days, getting through it all feels impossible.  Luckily, there are some small adjustments that you can make that have influence beyond the investment of time and energy that they require.

1 – Change your passwords and your wallpaper.

Let your passwords be your personal mantra. When you have to type, “InHale C0nFideNce ExHale D0uBt” several times a day, you begin to believe it. While you’re reorganizing your digital home, take a moment to update wallpapers and backgrounds as well.

2 – Post a happy photo of yourself before you met your ex.

You WERE happy before you met your ex. Find a picture that proves it. Post it in a prominent location and let it be your reminder that you can be happy without them again. If you’re feeling brave, maybe even make it your profile image.

3 – Alter your surroundings.

Move furniture. Remove photos and mementos. Flip your mattress or even change out your bed. Small changes in your environment can pay dividends in keeping you from fixating on what is missing. And while you’re at it, make sure to include a dash of something beautiful as a reminder that the sun is still there behind the clouds.

4 – Add short bursts of intense exercise.

You know what you’re not doing while you’re struggling to breathe through an exercise? Thinking about your divorce. In addition, intense exercise trains your brain to adapt to discomfort and also has the added benefit of releasing feel-good hormones.

5 – Dress to impress.

This is a version of fake it until you make it. You may feel like crap, but you don’t have to wallow in it by continuously broadcasting it. Make an effort to look put together, at least on most days. It really does change how you feel.

6 – Find your vision image.

What does happy look like to you? How will you know when you’ve moved on? Find an image that captures this idea for you. Save it. Use it as your inspiration.

7 – Compose your elevator speech.

In the beginning, it can be impossible to separate the facts from the emotion. Simply explaining to the pediatrician that your spouse now has different contact information can cause the gut to drop. Compose a short, one to two-sentence speech that explains your circumstances. Rehearse it until it becomes boring and you can say it without feeling it.

8 – Create a manageable and unrelated goal.

I actually created a list of ten goals during my divorce, everything from making a new friend to running a race. Divorce is long, nonlinear and often messy. It’s helpful to have a manageable goal to pull your energies and attentions while you’re feeling as though you’re in limbo.

9 – Write it before you speak it.

The pain, fear and anger of divorce can lead to some ugly thoughts. And if you express those in the wrong company or in the wrong forum, the results can make your situation even worse. So buy yourself a journal and make a vow to write out those thoughts before – or instead – of voicing them.

10 – Practice mindfulness for 5 minutes a day.

Download a mediation app or find a short guided mindfulness practice on YouTube. Then, set a reminder to spend 5 minutes a day focusing on your breath. The practice will help you find your calm in the midst of the storm.

11 – Write a thank you note.

Take a few minutes to express your appreciation for someone in your life. You’ll brighten theirs and expand yours.

12 – Acknowledge your choices.

Divorce leaves you feeling powerless. To help recognize the control you do have, make an effort to acknowledge your choices in every challenging situation. Your ex is late picking up the kids again? You can respond in frustration, you can type out a calm email, you can begin collecting evidence for the courts or you can let it go. The action is out of your hands. Your reaction is not.

13 – Orchestrate a new beginning.

This can be as small as planting a seed. Or starting a new series.  Or signing up for a class. It can be personal or part of something larger. Maybe you dedicate some time to volunteering at the local NICU, providing comfort to the fragile young babies. Perhaps you spend a Saturday helping Habitat for Humanity build a new home for a deserving family.

14 – Limit social media time.

I really wish that Facebook had personalized feed filters so that those facing infertility could elect out of seeing baby posts and those experiencing divorce would be excused from the engagement announcements. But until that time, be conservative with your use of social media.

15 – Take a chance and try something new.

Maybe it’s a new haircut. Or a new restaurant. Or an activity that you never envisioned yourself doing. Do something a little bit different. This is an opportunity to break out of the mold that you have previously filled.

16 – Find a mentor.

Find somebody you admire who has been through adversity. It can a person in your life, a famous individual (living or deceased) or even a fictional character. Let them guide and inspire you.

17 – Clean out a closet.

Purge the old. Rediscover lost treasures. Clear the clutter so that you can see what you’re working with. Start fresh.

18 – Start a gratitude challenge.

Today, write down one thing you’re grateful for. Tomorrow, add another. See how many consecutive days you can go adding to the list.

19 – Schedule weekly smiles.

Make a commitment to schedule one thing every week that makes you smile – a walk in the park, a pedicure, a coffee from your favorite shop. It doesn’t have to be big, just something that ignites, even briefly, a sense of joy or contentment.

20 – Call your grandmother.

Or a grandmother stand-in. Talk to somebody that has lived many chapters and seen many endings. Listen to their stories of life’s trials and joys. Find comfort in their perspective and hope in their tales of adaptation and perseverance. Because this divorce is a chapter of your life, not the entire story.