Feedback in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had to deliver some staff development today on the concept of feedback in the classroom (please try to restrain your disappointment at not being invited:) ). As I was moving through the material, my monkey mind was making connections to how we give and receive feedback with students and how it relates to feedback in relationships. So even though you missed my presentation this morning, I’ll still share my thoughts with you and feedback and its role in our relationships. Only now the professional dress has been replaced with yoga pants:)

Feedback is Meant to Improve, Not Shame

There’s a TED talks video by Rita Pierson we always watch at meetings where she talks about putting +2 on a child’s paper rather than -18. That’s because the purpose of feedback is to improve, not to punish or shame. Feedback should never be delivered in anger or in frustration. It’s deliberate. Conscious. Careful.

In a relationship, any criticisms or advice delivered in a heated moment will not be received. If feedback is shared in public in a shaming way, no positive change will occur.If your purpose is to make your partner feel badly, you’re bitching, not providing feedback.

Your first responsibility in a partnership is to change yourself – your perceptions, your actions, your responses. Yet there will be times where you need to work to shape your partner’s actions for the betterment of the pair and feedback is a critical component of this. Before you speak, make sure your intentions are to improve, not to shame or blame.

Climate Comes First

The first goal of any effective teacher is establishing a classroom culture where students feel safe and secure and feel comfortable taking risks and making mistakes. If this climate is not present, any negative feedback tends to lead to defensiveness and shutting down. But once this climate is built, students know that you care about them and they are much more receptive to feedback, even if it is negative.

Relationships are no different. We need to feel safe in our partnerships. We need to trust that it’s okay to not be perfect and that a single mistake won’t mean that we’re kicked out. It’s important to establish a relationship climate where both partners feel comfortable voicing their concerns and receiving feedback from the other.

In the classroom and in relationships, building a positive and safe climate takes time. Trust doesn’t occur overnight; it comes from a pattern of action and response. Energy put into developing this environment goes a long way. Brock and I put quite a bit of effort into this early on (using candles as a signal) and that preliminary work has since paid dividends (and the candles have been in retirement for the last year and a half or so).

Goals Must be Clear and Shared

In the classroom, it’s not fair to give students feedback on their progress when they do not know or understand the goal they are trying to reach. Teachers use a variety of methods to communicate learning expectations to the students so that not only do they have an idea of where they are relative to where they need to be, but they have a clear picture of the ideal destination.

We know how important communication is in relationships and how easily misunderstandings can spiral out of control. Just as it’s not fair to berate a student for failing to achieve some mysterious goal, it is unfair to a partner to expect him/her to read your mind and then react with negative feedback when he/she doesn’t make strides to the goal you had in mind.

The learning goals for my classroom are constantly changing (thanks Common Core and meddling politicians!) and goals in relationships are often as malleable as curriculum. It’s important to continually touch base and ensure that the relationship-related goals are clear and shared.

Feedback Should be Formative, Not Only Summative

Teachers divide learning activities into two categories: formative and summative. The former describes the activities that occur during the learning process, such as practice and quizzes. The latter applies to the culminating event, such as an exam or project, where a student is expected to demonstrate mastery of a concept. Effective feedback occurs during the learning process so that the student can shape his or her actions towards the stated goal. It’s not fair or effective for the first feedback to be received when it really counts.

So, as that relates to relationships, don’t do what my ex did. The first time I knew there was a problem in the marriage was when he left with a text message. If there had been formative feedback along the way, there may have been an opportunity to change. There’s often a balance in relationships – sometimes you need to bite your tongue and avoiding bringing something that is minor or fleeting. And you also need to address any issues before they build to a level that destroys the partnership.

If the point of feedback is to improve, make sure that it’s given along with a chance to make the improvements. Otherwise it’s not feedback, it’s just a bunch of red x’s and a big, fat “F.”

Address the Actions, Not the Person

The fastest way to alienate a kid is to attack their person, to imply or state that they are “stupid” or “no good.” They will quickly live up (or actually, down) to the claim. Teachers have to be careful to address issues the kids can control – study habits, practice, etc. rather than things they cannot – learning disabilities, sub par schooling, etc.

We all have innate tendencies and backgrounds that we cannot control. When those are attacked, we shut down as we internalize the message. When you are giving feedback to a partner, be careful not to condemn areas they cannot change or that are an inherent part of who they are. Focus on the actions and behaviors that are transient and reworkable.

Feedback Should be Specific and Actionable

Students don’t grow when they receive a failing grade on an assignment with the implied message “you suck at this.” It’s overwhelming and they give up. Instead, they improve when they are given specific and actionable feedback that addresses one or two areas at a time with recognition given for progress along the way.

Baby steps work for relationships too. Don’t flood your partner with a laundry list of feedback. Start small, focus on one behavior. Acknowledge improvement, no matter how small. Be clear and specific. When the intent is clearly stated, it’s more likely to happen.

 

Just like with teaching, feedback does not only flow one direction. Be open and receptive to your partner’s feedback. Assume that their intent is to make you better.

And remember, we are all still learning. Always.

 

 

Rewriting the End of a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often underestimate the power we have to change our own lives. Even when circumstances resist change, we can alter our perceptions and our responses. This is a piece I wrote for the Good Men Project about reframing the end of a relationship. About seeing the loss in a new light. About taking back the reigns and driving your own life. Read it and be inspired to rewrite the end of your relationship. Because every ending holds the seed to a new beginning.

Let it grow.

 

Rewriting the End of a Relationship

When a relationship ends, it is natural to focus on what is lost, to fully submerge in the heartache and mourn the departed. It is all too easy to become so mired in the sadness that the end of a relationship is extrapolated to mean the end of so much more. But that’s just your wounded heart speaking. And it has a tendency to exaggerate.

The End of a Relationship is Not…Read the rest at the Good Men Project

Releasing the Hook

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is so hard to let go of the “what ifs” the “I should haves” and the “he/she is a $#%@#.” We know that progress is forward yet the rearview mirror often keeps our eyes off the road in front.

If you’re having trouble releasing the hook of the past, read this. I liked it and I think you will too.

To-Be List

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I would wager that barely a day goes by where you are not at least partially driven by a to-do list. Whether scribbled on a slip of paper, stored neatly in your phone’s database or merely a memorized inventory of all that you need to accomplish, you move from one task to another. As you cross each item off the list – laundry, gym, phone call to the bank – you feel a sense of accomplishment. But all too often, that feeling of achievement is short-lived as you look back down at the ever-growing list of tasks that need attending.

 

To-do lists are important. They keep us organized and productive. They help to maximize our time and ensure that necessary items are addressed.

 

To-do lists are important.

 

But they are not everything.

 

Because we are so much more than simply the tasks we accomplish. Our value is found more in who we are than in how much we can cross off in a day.

Learn how to be today!

Parting Gifts

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex made sure that I didn’t leave the marriage empty-handed.

No, he gave me a parting gift.

Or actually, gifts.

And they keep on giving.

 

He left me with several unpaid (and unknown) debts in my name as well as an unpaid mortgage on the house he obtained in the divorce.

I thought I knew about all his gifts, but it turns out there was one (oh please, let it be only the one!) hidden for later discovery.

 

I finished paying off the last of the debt in my name last month after a generous gift from my father. Last night, I logged on to Credit Karma to check to see if the account had been marked as “paid.”

It had. But something else caught my eye.

It turns out my ex never made the last four payments on his car after the divorce. Yeah, the car he also obtained in the decree. Oh, and it goes without saying that my name was on that note as well.

I really hope karma was paying attention and notified the bank of his location so they could repossess the thing.

The part that makes me the angriest? My car is on its last legs and he got the “good” car and didn’t even pay for it.

Not that he’s paid for anything.

Sorry, frustrated today.

 

It’s the rare person that escapes divorce without some parting gifts.

For many of you, negotiating the custody and care of the kids is a constant source of stress.

Others are like me and face the ongoing financial burdens from divorce.

There can be ongoing health issues, employment concerns, housing difficulties.

Divorce certainly keeps on giving long after the papers are signed.

 

Amidst the frustrations of the night, I have some celebrations.

For the first time since the divorce, I was able to fully immerse myself in my credit report without any anxiety. Whereas before, I would either avoid looking or flood with anger and fear, this time I was able to be detached and unemotional. For the first time, I actually feel the hope. I’ve paid off everything I need to and, starting in 2015, the negative marks will fall off my record for the next few years. I can’t wait for the day when the only sign of him on my credit report is found in my former name.

This is also the first month in years where I do not have to make a payment on an account that paid for the honeymoon with the other wife and assorted other (and unknown) betrayals. My paycheck is mine.

I also am more aware than ever that the divorce was a gift. Even if it was wrapped in some pretty heinous packaging.