It’s the Little Things

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s the little things that scare me.

Stop me dead in my tracks, deer in the headlights, protesting, “I can’t” while limbs are locked.

It’s the little things that scare me.

Cause me to question, bring the doubts, the voice of the inferior.

It’s the little things that scare me.

Automatic reaction, reason shut down and out.

It’s the little things that scare me.

But, little by little I’m learning to do those little things.

Open a switchblade, start a fire, pick up the phone.

As I tackle those little things, put them in their place,

I realize that I am bigger than those little things

And they can scare me no more.

Taming the Monkey Mind: Natural Habitat

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Well, it was bound to happen.  I missed two days of intentional, sustained meditation.  We took advantage of the holiday weekend and spent 3 days camping.  I’m not sure if it was the change of routine, the constant companionship, or the downshift of rhythm lessening the need, but I completely forgot to meditate for the two full days we spent camping and hiking.  Even though I did not engage in sustained practice, I certainly practiced mindfulness.  In fact, this is one of the factors I like most about being in nature, everything is simplified and it is so much easier to be present.  I love waking up with sun, bedding down soon after the stars fill the sky, and moving with the rhythms of the world around me.  I thrill in finding the awaking spring flowers, the trickle of a stream that transitions to the roar of a waterfall, and becoming entranced in the dancing flames of a campfire.  I feel as peaceful and refreshed as I do after meditation.  Maybe I didn’t intentionally practice because I actually spent much of the time in a meditative state?

In the past, if I let a day or more slip by without doing an intended action, I would have been very hard on myself.  This time, I am being more gentle; just like I guide my mind back to breath, I am guiding myself back to a daily practice.  In fact, I began again within hours of arriving home (after a shower and doing some laundry and dishes…ever noticed how “camp” hygiene becomes disgusting as soon as you return home???).  This monkey may have spent some time in the wild, but that does not been that it has become feral.

മലയാളം: ചള്ളിയാൻ എടുത്തത്

 

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Goal Post

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The previous post reminded me of my goal sheet that I typed just a few weeks after my ex left.  I went looking for it, and found it in my folder labeled, “July disasster.”  When I wrote these goals, I was still mired in the yuck of the day to day, but I wanted to put my dreams out there.  I posted this list above the folding card table in my friend’s bonus room that was to be my office for the next year.  It kept me focused on the future and the gifts in my present on those days when I felt like giving up.  The list now makes me smile.  It shows me how far I have come and reminds me of where I was.

There are two items on the list that remain unchecked. The first, complete a book, was a bit ambitious for a year (or even three), but it is an ongoing project.  The other, volunteer at an animal rescue organization was chosen because of my gratitude towards those who helped to find homes for my dogs.  I don’t feel strong enough yet to face this one, but I will.

Some of the other goals seem so minimal in retrospect.  Go on a date – I went on 7-8 dates a week for a few months (months I dubbed, “Match Madness”).  Or, learn to cook one gluten-free meal – I now do that multiple times a week and am a recipe resource for others.

Some of the goals make me thankful for where I am and why I am here.  I was originally going to move to the NW; I could not imagine a life in the same town where I had spent my married years.  Just months before I was going to leave, I met my now boyfriend.  There was enough potential there that I decided to commit to staying in the area for a year (once I found a job) to see how things progressed.  It has now been two years, and I couldn’t be happier.

Other goals have been incorporated into my current life.  I still set goals to run races (I’ve just raised the bar a bit), I still intentionally seek out new friends, I continue to find ways to act of character, and I still make sure to take weekend trips.  The last goal has become my favorite: find a way to laugh each and every day.

I no longer have goals posted above my desk.  I have internalized them, using them as a daily reminder to be thankful and hopeful.

Wayne Dyer: Don’t Dwell on the Past

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What a simple, yet elegant way to view past relationships.  I know that I see my life as divided into 3 acts as of now: childhood, the 16 years with my ex, and post-divorce.  While some characters have remained constant throughout the play, others have exited stage right once their part in the story was done. They have their mark and helped to shape the story, but they do not need to occupy space on the stage anymore; they are relegated to the shadows of the wings.  Remember that the curtains may close briefly between acts, but they do not remain closed until the final call.  Just because there is a shift in the action and a change of characters, does not mean the story is over.  Do not be afraid to open the curtains to the next act of your life.

Wayne Dyer: Don’t Dwell on the Past.

Stage curtains

Taming the Monkey Mind: Total Immersion

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I woke up at 2:30 this morning, unable to go back to sleep.  I do that sometimes.

I moved to the couch in my office, picked up my computer, and promptly began to research yoga and meditation retreats. You know, as one does in the middle of the night when slumber is elusive.

I feel like I have done pretty well taming my monkey mind, but I would love to test the premise of total immersion in the context of mindfulness.  I think that my monkey would do well surrounded by tamed neural simians and trained synaptic handlers.  I am drawn to the thought of spending a few days or even a week focusing only on my monkey’s well-being, far away from all the distractions that tend to catch his eye (yes, my monkey-mind is a him; I’m not sure why). Much like Cesar Millan uses his pack to train other dogs, I want to use tamed monkeys to guide my own.

I have done something similar once before.  In the fall after July Disasster, I spent a long weekend at the Mandala Wellness Center for yoga, meditation, and therapy as a solo retreat.  It was there that I found my breath again.  It was there that I moved back into my body.

I am looking for something different now.  I no longer need a personal retreat and I do not require the presence and attention of a therapist.  Instead, this time I want to be in the presence of others who are on a similar journey.  I want to share in the experience. I am no longer looking for healing, rather I am looking to make the good better.

There are many options nearby, but I cannot justify the price.  Options overseas are cheaper, but the airfare is cost prohibitive.  It seems as though the ready made options are out, but I am not giving up.  I am going to see if I can cobble together my own total immersion experience on a budget.  Without sleeping in my car outside an urban yoga studio, that is.

If anyone has any suggestions or knows of any wallet-friendly retreats, please let me or my monkey know:)

 

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