There is a particular yoga sequence (crescent lunge into a bird of paradise) that used to vex me. I simply couldn’t get my body to twist and open to accomplish the pose. My first attempt was a bit of a disaster but it was also a learning experience.
Every time I enter the yoga studio, I encounter a pose or sequence that is beyond me. I used to tell myself, “I can’t do that” and, after a reasonable number of attempts, I would simply stop trying, thus proving myself right. What I have come to realize is that I need to tell myself, “I can’t do that right now.” That statement acknowledges the truth in the moment but also recognizes that it can change. “I can’t right now” leaves you free to try again and leaves your mind open to the possibilities.
Oh, and that sequence that used to stop me cold? I can now do it with ease. Of course, last Sunday, the instructor added a twisted bird of paradise. I can’t do that….yet.
We are now in the lame duck season of congress where the elections are over yet the newly elected do yet occupy their seats. It is strange time where focus shifts and both power and repercussions are reduced. It can be an uneventful waiting period or an enthused dash to create change prior to one’s exit without the fear of reelection influencing decisions.
I’ve had discussions with several married people recently who seem to be in a lame duck session within their marriages. They are in the between – waiting in the space bookended by the past and the future. Perhaps one or both partners does not see themselves as reelected for the next term so they are simply biding their time. Maybe one partner desperately want action yet is fighting the sluggish nature of the other who not committed to an additional stint of marriage. It is natural for relationships to ebb and flow, to encounter both periods of growth and times of stagnation. In a lame duck marriage, the stagnation has become a way of being.
We often think of lame duck sessions as a negative event, a wasted waiting period before the congress can get down to business. It doesn’t have to be that way, however. There are benefits to the lame duck season in Washington that can also apply to flat and lifeless marriages. This is not advice to leave or stay in a lame duck marriage. Rather, it is designed to give you perspective that can help you make the best decision for you and your family.
Take Risks
In congress, some retiring members try to push through controversial or challenging legislation that would be inadvisable when they are concerned about reelection. There is freedom that can be found in the realization that you are not operating out of fear for the future. Try something new. Take risks. You know what happens when you do or think the same old way. What you don’t know is the response to something different.
Release Control
One of the most frustrating parts of this time in Washington is that it can be almost impossible to rally the troops around a cause. Lame duck marriage are similar. If you want the marriage to work and your spouse is ready to end his or her term, you will most likely find it impossible to rally your partner to save the marriage. If you are walking towards the door and your spouse wants another term, you will likely find him or her stubbornly digging in the heels. You cannot control your partner. You can; however, choose your actions, thoughts, and responses. You may find that you have more influence by treading softly and encouraging than by being loud and resistant.
Prioritize
Inevitably, congress gets to November and has more to discuss than there are hours available. They have to begin their final session for the year by prioritizing concerns. In a declining marriage, it is all too easy to become buried in issues. Sort out the ones that really matter and focus on those first. Ignore the secondary concerns; they are simply clutter.
Deadline
The government’s lame duck session has a defined end. That deadline prompts action. Remaining inactive in your marriage is a decision in itself, a choice to do nothing. If you had a deadline, what would it change? Would you make a different choice? A lame duck is not a dead duck, but if you let it linger it will suffer and slowly deteriorate.
Don’t let yourself be like a retiring congressman simply passing away the hours until January; choose to be an active participant in your life. And, if you have any tips on nursing a lame duck back to health, make sure to pass them along:)
We just returned from our annual Thanksgiving camping trip.The car is unpacked, the boots are off, and the washing machine is steadily rinsing away any traces of campfire smoke. The trip may be over, but there are lessons and memories still to savor.
Apparently the picnic table is more comfortable than the cold, hard ground!
We looked for a gator but never found one even though the tracks were everywhere!
I was booking the reservations this year just as we faced our first real cold snap, thus I chose to find a campground near the Georgia-Alabama border not too far from Florida instead of our usual Smokey Mountain haunts. This was the first time I’ve ever been camping where the signs cautioned us to be aware of alligators rather than bears!
We stayed at Florence Marina State Park but our primary destination was Providence Canyon, a state park that is affectionately know as “The Little Grand Canyon.”
Providence Canyon
I had an interview with Sean Moffett on Wednesday afternoon, so we didn’t get into the campground until right before dusk.We had about 30 minutes to set up camp and get a fire going for dinner, all while my stomach was making it very clear that I missed lunch. Luckily, we’ve been camping together several times before so we pretty much have camp set-up down to a science.
Lesson 1: The more you do something, the easier it becomes.
The lake/river/reservoir (I swear, every sign called it something different!) at Florence Marina State Park
After dinner, we spent some time sitting in front of the fire. I could tell I was wound up. I was impatient and kind of snappy. I wrote recently about being overwhelmed, and I was letting that get to me again. It’s been a busy fall with trips and events (for example, we just flew back in from Baltimore late Monday night and I had to be ready for camping by Wednesday morning). On top of those logistical challenges, I’m also having to adjust to some of the (very cool and completely surreal) opportunities that have been coming my way since I published the book. As a result of all of this, I’ve had a more difficult time than usual managing anxiety the last couple months.
Lesson 2: Just removing yourself from the situation does not remove yourself from the mindset.
So, there I was, fed and warm sitting next to a campfire with my boys and I was still stressed and irritable. Brock and I talked through things and he came up with three action points to help going forward when I am in similar situations: 1) Learn to say “no,” 2) Learn to delegate, and 3) use a key word to let him know when I’m close to meltdown. I thought this last idea was genius as I’ve tried to communicate to him when I’m feeling close to the breaking point, but he often doesn’t comprehend the magnitude at the time.
Who needs turkey?
Eventually, we made our way to the tent and promptly fell asleep. At some point during the night, I awoke to the sound of footsteps on the fallen leaves just outside the tent. As I woke Brock, I recognized a familiar snuffling sound right by my head. I looked down to Tiger’s bed in the corner of the tent and realized it was empty. Our dog had pushed open the zippered door with his nose, exited the tent, and could not figure out how to return.
Lesson 3: You can prepare but you cannot control.
Brock and I have worked with Tiger extensively to the point where he is frequently off leash. This training meant that when he did get out, he stayed close and came right back.
That’s my vest on the left and Tiger’s on the right. Can you tell who has a bigger torso? 🙂
After breakfast the following morning, we headed just a few miles down the road to Providence Canyon. The canyon is not a natural formation, rather it was formed due to poor farming practices in the early to mid 19th century.
Lesson 4: Big things can have small beginnings.
The land originally consisted of gently rolling wooded hills. The early cotton farmers cleared the land of all existing vegetation and dug shallow furrows into the soil every planting season. Erosion took care of the rest. Now, almost 200 years later, the canyons are 150 feet deep and and growing wider by 3-5 feet each year.
I wonder what the farmers would make of this?!?
It’s wild to realize that the road leading to the park as well as the park buildings will be swallowed up by the canyon within my lifetime.
Lesson 5: Always be ready to adjust.
The continually retreating fence line.
We made our way down into the canyon floor. Up close, it was apparent that the canyon walls are more sand dune than stone.
Lesson 6: Impressive exteriors can conceal weak interiors.
There are signs everywhere warning hikers not to climb the canyon walls. I only slightly broke the rules:)
I even made it back down the hill!
Once the scale of the erosion became clear, people tried to slow the effects.
Kudzu was planted in the mid 20th century to try to anchor the soil.
Lesson 7: There is a tipping point where momentum becomes inevitability.
A more recent attempt to slow the collapse of the canyon walls. You can see that erosion is winning the battle.
Although the walls of the canyons are washing away, the depth remains fairly constant because it consists of a denser and harder stone than the chalk-like walls.
Lesson 8: Sometimes the surface needs to be washed away to reveal what is underneath.
Providence Canyon is in many ways a man-made geological catastrophe. However, rather than simply hide it away, the state has chosen to turn it into a park that celebrates its beauty and also educates the public about its root causes.
Lesson 9: Don’t be afraid to celebrate the beauty that comes from devastation while learning how to avoid it in the future.
It’s impossible to deny the beauty.
We came across an old homestead identified by the following sign.
Lesson 10: We are more adaptable than we realize.
We saw many interesting landmarks along the trail.
It’s difficult to see in the lighting, but these are two trees that have grown together at points.
Lesson 11: We can grow together yet still be distinct and independent.
Unfortunately, we had to cut our trip short and forgo our planned second day of hiking since Tiger injured his foot.
Morning playtime with the boys
Lesson 12: It’s okay to play even if you’re hurt.
Providence has its appointed hour for everything. We cannot command results, we can only strive.
Mahatma Gandhi
I am going to strive for continued peace and serenity through the weekend:)
The Moffett Company was founded “out of a desire to see businesses and their employees thriving, not simply surviving; passion is the centerpiece” of their message. Sean Moffett coaches his many stellar clients to not let fear make their decisions and how to create opportunity out of hardship. If you’re at all familiar with my writing, you know that those are familiar themes for me as well as I discuss how I used my tsunami divorce as a springboard for positive change.
I am honored to be an invited guest on Sean Moffett’s live, on-air broadcast on November 21 at 12:00 EST. You can view the show and participate in the live chat on The Moffett Message. Check it out and learn how you can choose to maximize your life!
Lisa Arends on The Moffett Message Wednesday, Nov. 21 at 12:00 EST
Divorce is disorienting. You find yourself topsy-turvy in a world suddenly devoid of sense and reason. It is though the book of your life was suddenly ripped in two and you are standing midway through the story with no idea where the narrative goes next. Those are scary days but they are also moments filled with possibility if you know how to tap into them. Writing has a way of helping you make sense of the senseless and find your path again. Read the rest on Huffington Post.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 