9 Reasons People Stay in an Unhappy Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
stay in an unhappy marriage

Why would someone choose to stay in an unhappy marriage?

I remember questioning my ex husband about his parent’s marriage while we were still teenagers –

“They seem miserable. Why do you think they stay together?” I asked as we drove away from his childhood home.

“I guess they decided that they would rather be miserable together than risk being even more unhappy alone. Besides, leaving would require courage and effort and those are in short supply.”

“Promise me we’ll never end up like that,” I said, sliding my hand to his thigh as he sat behind the driver’s seat.

“Never,” he said, squeezing my hand. And that was one promise he actually kept.

His parent’s marriage seemed strange to me. My own parents had divorced years earlier, but they always kept their disputes hidden behind closed doors, so the image I had of them was of a happy and connected couple.

I struggled to wrap my young-and-still-naive brain around the idea of staying with somebody that I no longer liked. It seemed simple – if you’re not happy, leave.

But of course, it’s not always that simple.

People choose to stay in unhappy – or even downright miserable – marriages for many reasons. And from the outside, it’s easy to judge (especially if you’re a know-everything teenager). But that doesn’t mean that their decision to stay is necessarily wrong.

The following are nine reasons that people choose -either consciously or unconsciously – to stay in an unhappy marriage:

1 – They Are Afraid to Be Alone

At some level, most of us harbor a fear of being alone. We crave love, acceptance and companionship. And so even if a marriage is miserable, it may seem preferable to stay with the devil you know that risk being alone and unable to find someone new.

This becomes especially true with longer-term marriages. After spending years or decades together, you may have become dependent upon your partner for certain things and the thought of not having them to depend on becomes daunting.

If the marriage is more unfulfilling than actively agonizing, the risk of this trade-off may not seem worth it. Furthermore, if the marriage is founded on an anxious attachment style, the act of grasping becomes more important that who you’re holding on to.

2 – For the Sake of the Family

It is not uncommon for couples to elect to stay together for the sake of the children. Whether to avoid the emotional upheaval of divorce on the family or to maintain the family structure, the children’s needs are placed before the happiness of the couple. Sometimes this is permanent and other times it simply delays the decision to split until the children have grown.

This motivation can extend beyond the children. Sometimes people cannot bear the thought of losing the connection with their extended family, which has taken them in as one of their own.

A divorce impacts far more people than simply the two who exchanged the vows. And sometimes we choose to put the well-being of others ahead of our own.

3 – To Maintain a Lifestyle

We are familiar with the idea of an unhappy marriage that is sustained on life support so that one or both of the partners doesn’t have to face a change in financial status. Yet that is not the only reason that marriages are maintained to avoid a shift in lifestyle.

If both people are content with the entirety of their lives – home, extended family, friends, jobs, etc. – save for their marriage, they may reach the decision that they are willing to sacrifice a happy marriage for a happy life.

And there is truth that divorce often brings a dramatic change in financial and social status that may never be fully recouped. And for some, the trade-off of staying unhappily married becomes an intentional trade-off.

4 – Because of Religious or Cultural Beliefs

For some, the decision to divorce means also divorcing themselves from the beliefs that have been instilled in them since childhood. Divorce may be perceived as sin no matter the circumstances or the dissolution of a marriage may bring immeasurable shame to a family.

In these situations, divorce may be more painful than staying in an unhappy marriage. Divorce means a decision to deny your core beliefs and risks being ostracized from your family or community. So as long as the marriage is not an abusive one, staying may be the better choice.

5 – Inertia or Habit

We are creatures of habit. All too easily, we do what we have always done, resisting change and bemoaning the effort inherent in forging a new path. We become accustomed to our surroundings, even when they are detrimental. Once seated, we have a tendency to stay.

For many in an unhappy marriage, they may not even be consciously aware that they are in a bad marriage. They are simply sleepwalking through life, acting without thought and reacting out of routine. Those that are on automatic pilot stay in their marriages, not out of intention, but out of inattention.

6 – Fear of Judgment

Those that choose to divorce definitely face judgment from others. We may be viewed as weak, impulsive or unwilling to put in the hard work and persevere. If you’re concerned about the negative response from others, you may choose to stay quietly unhappy than risk the public humiliation.

We not only fear the judgment of others, we also want to avoid self-judgment when we believe that we have failed. Few of us go into marriage with the thought of divorce on our minds. And it can be difficult to admit that we make a mistake – either in our choice of mate or in how we treated them once married. And so sometimes, it seems safer to stay in denial.

7 – A Belief They Cannot Do Any Better

When you struggle to love yourself, you struggle to understand what you deserve. And if you’re in an unhappy marriage where your partner consistently dismisses or belittles you, this insecurity will only grow.

Sometimes we stay in a bad situation because we believe that we deserve to be unhappy or perhaps even punished for some perceived wrongdoing or shortcoming. And that becomes even more true when we listen to our partner’s voice more than we trust our own.

8 – Because They Don’t Want to Cause Pain

One of the hardest things in life is to look into the face of someone you care about as you tell them something that will cause them pain. And it’s even harder if you’re the source of the pain.

Sometimes people stay in an unhappy marriage because they would rather take the pain upon themselves than to transfer it to another.

9 – A Fear of Retaliation

One of the saddest reasons that some elect to stay in an unhappy marriage is that they fear the retaliation of their spouse if they choose to end the marriage. Perhaps the spouse has threatened to withhold financial support, isolate the other parent from the children or even suggested bodily harm. No matter the threat, it is a type of marital terrorism used to imprison the other. If this is your situation, please seek guidance before you assume that you are stuck.

Ultimately, the decision if – and when – to end a marriage is a highly personal choice. If you’re struggling with that decision, here are 12 questions to ask yourself.


7 Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

Posted on by stilllearning2b
children

I was in elementary school when my parents divorced and my dad moved out. I remember being confused – how could a family suddenly be not-a-family? I was sad – not only did I miss my dad, but I saw that mom was hurting. And I was ashamed, concerned that somehow my friends would judge me and my family because of the split. As I grew older, I began to internalize some of the events and developed a feeling that I wasn’t enough.

There’s no doubt about it, their divorce impacted me.

And not all of the effects were negative.

In fact, I now credit their divorce (and the way it was handled with me) with being the source for some of the most important messages I received in childhood.

I know that divorce is the last thing you ever wanted your children to experience. But there are ways to make the best of it.

Seven Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

From the first moment you gazed into your newborn’s eyes, a need to protect them from all harm has permeated your every cell.   Yet no matter how deftly you wield your shield, you cannot block all of life’s slings and arrows from reaching your child. And for many children, their parent’s divorce is the first major emotional injury they face.

It’s difficult to watch your child suffer. Their pain ricochets through you like an unreturned racquetball in an empty court. You feel helpless as your normal platitudes and kisses fail to sooth this particular wound and guilty that you failed to protect them in the first place.

It’s easy to focus on the harm that divorce brings to children. After all, it’s no secret that the dissolution of a household is traumatic to all of its inhabitants and that children have a tendency to internalize and personalize the marital issues around them. Yet pain is not the only offering from divorce; it also provides opportunity. The following are seven vital lessons that children can learn through divorce:

1 – Loss Is a Part of Life; We Inhale Love and Exhale Grief

Everyone remembers their first major loss – whether it was the death of a childhood pet, the passing of a grandparent or the separation of their parents. This manner in which a child’s first experience with grief is handled sets the stage for how loss is perceived for the rest of their lives.

Divorce provides an opportunity for children to begin to accept that life is filled with beginnings and endings. It is an occasion for them to become familiar with the particular nature of grief as they learn to ride its ebbs and flows.

It is a classroom of sorts, a time for teaching about the importance of remembrance and ritual and for discovering the power in letting go. It can be a time for learning that it’s okay to feel all of the emotions. And also to not feel anything at all.

Divorce is a time of rending, yet it also can be a time of sewing the guiding threads into the fabric of your children’s spirits. Let this experience give them the courage and the wisdom to face life’s other hardships and unavoidable losses.

2 – Change Is Inevitable and Always Awkward at First

 

I remember being so sure – “I will ALWAYS love Cabbage Patch dolls.” “I will want waffles for breakfast for EVER and EVER.” And of course, as I told my friend confidently one day, “My parents will NEVER divorce.”

And then inevitably, my interest for dolls was traded for an enthusiasm for pop stars, I grew tired of waffles and my parents split up. Because, as I was beginning to learn, change is a certainty.

Kids (and most adults) struggle with change. They become irritable or withdrawn as they adapt to a new school or even a new teacher. They grapple with the transformations of their friends and friend-groups as the years progress. When the hormones hit and the growth spurts stretch their limbs, they rattle around in their new bodies until they finally settle in.

Divorce is a time for acknowledging the challenge that accompanies change, as the whole family learns to navigate a new reality. It is an opportunity to address the constancy of transformation and the balance of learning when to steer and when to let go. When the focus becomes more on adaptation rather than resistance, change becomes easier. And it’s possible to dance even before you’ve fully found your sea-legs.

3 – Humans Are Fallible (and Parents Are Human)

 

Like many kids, I put my parents right up there with Wonder Woman and Superman when I was little. They were all-powerful, always knew just what to do and could do no wrong. And then one day, my father sat me down and told me he was moving out. Which meant that somehow my parents didn’t have everything figured out.

I remember becoming fascinated with the hidden internal life of the adults around me. I started to catch the little twitch of uncertainty in my teacher’s eye as she disciplined the class troublemaker. I noticed the tinge of fear on my doctor’s face as she escorted a family back into the waiting room. And I became aware of the sadness and hesitancy within my own parents as they ended their marriage.

In some ways, learning that adults didn’t know everything was a scary realization, as the metaphorical safety net lost some of its bindings. Yet it was also comforting to discover that I wasn’t expected to undergo some sort of super hero training before I could obtain my adult status.

Divorce is a window for children into the lives of adults. It’s a time to normalize the human experience and remove the shadow of shame that can follow on the heels of a perceived failure. During divorce, you can not only show your children that you’re human, you can give them permission to imperfect as well.

4 – Wishes Are Not Enough and You Can’t Control the Way the Wind Blows

 

“Close your eyes and make a wish,” we’re told every year through childhood. Later, we’re cautioned that if we reveal the desire, it won’t come true. But we’re rarely told the truth that wishing isn’t enough and that there are some things that we cannot influence.

Kids often grapple with understanding the difference between wanting something and having something. They can’t yet comprehend the limits of budget or the constraints implied by time and distance. This same illusion of desire can easily follow divorce, as children believe that they can bring their parents back together through mere will alone.

It’s a painful awareness, that simply wanting something to be true cannot make it so. Yet, it’s a valuable lesson and one better delivered early in life. Because the sooner a child understands the limits of their influence, the sooner they can begin focusing on tuning the instruments within their own orchestra.

 

 

5 – When You Own Your Own Stuff, Nobody Else Can Own You

 

Your kids learn from watching you.

When they see you implement and uphold boundaries, refusing to be the doormat for some else’s dirty shoes, they learn that it’s okay to say “No.” When they witness you being gracious in spite of pain, they begin to understand the power of kindness. When they watch you take a deep breath and take a big leap, they learn that you can act in spite of fear. When they notice that you avoid blaming their other parent and instead you find a way to make it work, they learn the limitations of victimhood.

During the uncertainty and sorrow of divorce, you can teach your children the power of choosing how you respond. You can model for them how much a reaction – or non-reaction – can alter a situation. And you can help them learn to take the responsibility for their own choices and responses because once they can do that, they can do anything.

 

 

6 – Life Can Be Hard, but It Goes On

 

When learning about their parent’s upcoming divorce, many kids first response is a question, “But will [my birthday, Six Flags, my recital, etc.] still happen?” Part of this comes from the natural self-centeredness of children and part of comes from their need to know that their life, even if it looks somewhat different, will still continue.

Divorce provides an opportunity for children to learn that life, although difficult at times, still goes on. The dog still needs to be fed, the homework must still be completed and summer vacation is still on the horizon. Life is a series of moments. Some bring smiles and some bring tears. And there’s always another moment waiting in the wings.

 

 

7 – A Parent’s Love is Bigger Than the Sky

“If you can fall out of love with daddy, can you fall out of love with me?”

Those were the words my client’s daughter uttered after learning about the upcoming divorce.

“Never. A parent’s love for their child is special. It is bigger than sky and deeper than the deepest ocean. It goes on further than the furthest telescope can see and shines brighter than brightest star. I know a lot of things have changed, but my love for you never will.”

And right there, in those words, is the biggest lesson you can give your child through divorce. That no matter what, you will always love them.

Separating Facts From Stories

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are the facts. And then there are the stories we weave from the facts.

Fact: My ex-husband had an affair with a woman he met on a business trip. He married her three months after they met and abandoned me with a text message.

Story: There must be something wrong with me for my husband to fall so quickly for another woman. She must have something that I don’t. I’m not even worthy of a conversation, that’s how inconsequential I am. If the man that professed his love to me for sixteen years and pledged his commitment could leave me so easily, any other man would obviously do the same. If I was unworthy before, I’m broken now. There’s no way that I will ever be able to recover from this damage.

It starts with the facts – sometimes harsh, but bare. Often devoid of any motivations or intentions. And then our brains industriously fill in the details, weaving stories that surround and connect the facts.

The problem is that once we tell ourselves these stories, we become unable to separate them from the facts. And so we begin to believe the words we tell ourselves. The words that are often anchored in insecurities, fears and trauma.

Sometimes, we even take it a step further and assimilate these stories as a core truth of about ourselves. We confuse what happened to us with who we are, applying labels with superglue and operating under those assumptions.

What stories are you telling yourself?

Take a few moments and consciously examine the stories you tell yourself. What are the facts and what are your interpretations and speculations about the facts? What if some of your conclusions are incorrect? Could there be another way to view these same facts?

The facts are irrefutable. The stories are what we create.

When we become too wed to a story, we become stuck within a singular narrative. Change your story and your life will follow.

Related:

Edit Your Personal Narrative

Your Story Matters

What Do People Get Wrong About You?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

What do people get wrong about you?

It’s obvious in hindsight that I didn’t know my ex-husband. And it seems that, even after sixteen shared years, he didn’t know me either. Based on his surprise when I went on the offensive after his abandonment and betrayal, he thought that I would simply roll over and take the consequences. I had always been the “nice girl.” He didn’t know that nice had its limitations.

He hasn’t been the only one to misread me. When we first met, my now-husband saw me as a super-conservative and ultra straight-laced school teacher. It was only when he learned about my love of heavy metal that he opened his mind about me. His friends still seem to think that I’m some delicate flower that will easily bruise.

At work, I’m viewed as unflappable. Consistently capable and good for advice. Yet few of my coworkers know how often I’ve broken down on Friday nights as the strains of the week build to an untenable level.

I’m accused of being unemotional because my analytical mind acts like a filter, reviewing and revising the feelings before they are releases. The anxiety that powers me is interpreted as responsibility. My introversion has been read as aloofness and my love for exercise as vanity.

And goodness knows, I’ve misjudged others. I thought my ex husband was trustworthy (spoiler alert – he’s not), I first believed that my now-husband was cocky (now I am always in awe of how readily he takes responsibility for any mistakes) and I have frequently made snap decisions about students that I have to modify as I get to know them better. Between the propensity for all of us to assign labels and our own experiences to behavior and the fact that we never reveal all of ourselves all of the time, it is inevitable that people will reach some false conclusions about you.

So how about it? What do people get wrong about you?

The Problem With Outrage Culture

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You can’t consume any media now without facing an onslaught of outrage. Short, punchy headlines are designed to elicit emotion and disapproval at the same time they encourage commenting and sharing. It leaves us feeling both righteous and soiled as we pounce upon the latest to be publicly shamed.

Outrage is all around us and, as a result of its ubiquity, we may be unaware of its unintended side effects.

Promotes the Creation and Curation of a False Identity

It’s tempting to believe that an internet witch-hunt can only happen to “bad” people. But much like the namesake condemnation in Salem, anything and anyone can become fodder for the masses. It’s a culture where we’re encouraged to be “real,” but only if real has mass-market appeal and refrains from anything too challenging or deep.

As a result, especially for those in the public eye, there is a growing temptation to put forth a scrubbed and sanitized facade. To avoid possible rebuke by pretending to be without fault. Because when perfection is expected but not attainable, the only alternative remaining is to fake it.

And this hurts more than just the one behind the mask. It means that we all are seeking something false, an Instagrammed staged and filtered existence with no misspoken words and no thoughtless actions. A false front means that we don’t really get to know the people that we select to lead us nor the celebrities that we attempt to emulate.

Encourages People to Cover Up Their Mistakes

Knowledge comes from listening, yet wisdom only comes from living. And living inevitably means making mistakes. The best people own up to their errors, learn from them and then take it a step further and use that knowledge to help others.

So what happens when mistakes are not acceptable?

It’s not good.

It takes courage to admit to making a mistake in the best of circumstances. And when you face complete and utter annihilation from both acquaintances and strangers? It becomes close to impossible.

Outrage culture doesn’t leave much space for learning from mistakes. It often confuses the poor action with the person and tags them both for the garbage pile without any chance for a conversation.

As a result, missteps are seen as inherently shameful, something to hide. And as I learned from watching my ex husband, as soon as you begin to hide away the more dishonorable parts of yourself, you inevitably help them grow in the dark.

Provides a False Sense of Action

When you point out somebody’s wrongdoing, it can feel purposeful. Good, even. It provides a sense of doing something, taking action.

But what are you actually changing?

Not much, I’m afraid.

Real change is much harder. Way messier. Takes quite a bit more time and effort. And often requires listening on both sides.

Outrage keeps us distracted on a treadmill going nowhere. We stand in accidental unity, thrown together by the latest scandal, and busy our fingers calling out the bad person de jour.

When maybe what we need is to slow down and take the time to consider the story behind the meme and the issue behind the soundbite. Because then, and only then, we will have enough information to take steps towards meaningful action.

Focuses on the Punishment, Not the Solution

Outrage culture encourages punishment, swift and total. Victory is declared when the offending person is not only silenced, but hamstrung from ever stepping out again.

And then, as surely as a game of Whack-a-Mole, another one rises to take their place. Because as anyone with a wily puppy knows, punishment is only a temporary deterrent.

That’s not to say that consequences should be avoided. After all, you can ground your teenager at the same time you put forth the effort to understand and address the larger issues that contributed to their misbehavior. It simply means that punishment is not the solution in itself.

Outrage can be an important emotion. It highlights behaviors that go against the agreed-upon norms for society and it spreads voraciously so that others can join the cause. Yet outrage is best kept as the ignition, not the fuel for the long haul.