Confirmation Bias in Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Election season has now reached a fervent peak around the country. My weekly runs take me by countless yards with campaign signs stabbed in their soil as though the occupants are laying claim to virgin land. The radio ads cause whiplash, with one party’s claims following the other, blaring rhetoric in an attempt to sway votes at the last minute.

There’s a reason that political campaigns are so heavy-handed and in-your-face. They are up against an enormous hurdle in their attempt to change our minds.

The politicians are trying to overcome our confirmation bias.

Confirmation bias is an innate trait that we all possess to varying degrees. It states that we have a tendency to seek out information that corroborates our beliefs. It says that we are rarely neutral researchers in life, rather we form hypotheses and then seek out confirmation that our conclusions are correct.

In other words, we look for proof that our opinions are true and we actively ignore or discredit information that threatens our beliefs.

In the political arena, we gravitate towards legislators that echo our conclusions about civic matters. We support those that tell us that we are right and those that threaten our views are often met with intense disdain.

But confirmation bias doesn’t just exist in the poll booths. It’s everywhere. It’s one of the reasons that scientific papers are peer reviewed. It contributes to teachers not grading their own students’ high stake tests. It influences dating when we gravitate towards those that reflect back our own principles. If we believe we are fat, we see the flesh above the waistline; if we believe we are skinny, we focus on the exposed bone structure. It’s why we respond differently to someone wearing a suit than someone whose underwear is exposed above sagging jeans. Bias is behind the success of optical illusions and Hollywood movies. Bias is everywhere.

We see what we want to see.

Confirmation bias is powerful. Even with relatively mundane matters, it still drives down to our core self. Our egos don’t like to be told they’re wrong. Confirmation bias can lead to elaborate choreography to try to shore up our beliefs and the construction of huge blinders to avoid the recognition of anything that threatens our opinions.

Part of the power of confirmation bias is our inability to recognize it. Countless studies have demonstrated that even when people protest that they are acting without bias, that they still gravitate towards confirming information. It operates below our level of cognition and influences every encounter.

So what does confirmation bias have to do with marriage?

Everything.

Because you have a mental construct of your marriage. Of your spouse. Of your relationship and roles. And whether you are aware of it or not, you seek information that substantiates these conclusions while ignoring data that doesn’t align.

It’s one of the reasons that people (myself included) can be blindsided by divorce or infidelity. We believe that our spouse is trustworthy, and we are biased towards evidence that supports our belief. Because if we allow ourselves to see the other data, it not only threatens our view of our spouse, but also of ourselves. After all, if we were wrong about that, what else might we be wrong about?

It’s a slippery slope that’s scary to tread. So we don’t.

We see what we want to see.

Confirmation bias in marriage can also work the other way. If a spouse has concluded that the marriage is garbage or his or her partner is awful, evidence will be mounted to substantiate the claim. One episode of nagging or stonewalling will be added to the tally, while days or months of good behavior is tacitly ignored as a case is built against the spouse.

We see what we want to see.

Given that confirmation bias is innate and subconscious, can we learn to be nonpartisan in our views of the world? Can we learn to see what is and not only what we believe?

Yes and no.

The biggest weapon against confirmation bias is the knowledge that it exists and the acceptance that you are not immune to its siren’s call. Because when you find yourself defensively proclaiming that you have considered all of the information, it’s a good sign that you haven’t. In fact, the more emotional you are about a situation, the more likely it is that confirmation bias is present. Strive to release the ego that says that you can’t be controlled by bias and you will be more likely to recognize its influence.

Confirmation bias also helps to regulate fear. It provides an illusion of certainty and predictability. In order to consider other views, you first have to be willing to let go of the security blanket your bias provides. It comes down to trusting in your own strength and resiliency.

Welcome situations that provide new perspectives. Observe loved ones in interactions with new people or circumstances and try to see them with fresh eyes. Invite others to share their viewpoints and work to consider that they may be accurate in their conclusions. Even if it threatens your beliefs. Especially if it threatens your beliefs.

Ultimately, it is impossible to be completely impartial in every situation. We believe the person we spend the most time with – ourselves. And we see what we want to see.

eyes

Should You Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

Posted on by stilllearning2b
should divorce

I’m often thankful that my marriage ended via text. I never had to make the gut-wrenching decision to inform my husband that I wanted out. I’ve never experienced endless days and nights weighing the pros and cons of divorce and anticipating its impact on my life.

Even though I never thought about divorce prior to experiencing it, I have spent the past several years studying and writing about the end of a marriage. For those of you who are in the unenviable position of trying to decide if you should stay or go, here are twelve questions for you to consider.

 

Are you in or your children in danger?

If you are in an abusive situation, your first course of action is to find a safe place for your family. If the marriage is violent and available interventions are not successful, your responsibility is to take care of yourself and your children. Get out, get help and then consider the question of divorce.

 

Are you quitting or letting go?

Are you running away from your marriage because you’re hesitant to address issues with your spouse or with yourself? Are you giving up because the relationship seems like it requires too much work to repair? Have you made mistakes in your marriage and you’re afraid to own up to your actions? If you answered in the affirmative to any of these, you’re quitting.

Quitting is out of fear; letting go is born from acceptance.

It is a reality that sometimes people enter into a marriage that was wrong from the beginning. Or, perhaps the relationship worked for a time but now you and your partner are no longer the same people who committed years ago.

People change. Circumstances change. And not every marriage can adapt. Sometimes the best decision you can make is to accept that something is gone and let it go.

 

Are you putting at least as much energy into the marriage as you are into your escape plans?

It’s human to look across the fence and see the grass as greener on the other side. After all, you know everything about your circumstances and often only see the best of your neighbor’s.

Marriage is no different. A relationship of any duration has history, arguments and issues that clutter the memory banks and may threaten to overrun the grass with weeds. An encounter with a new person, fresh and unsullied by the reality, can be intoxicating.

But it’s just an illusion. All you’re seeing in the beginning is what they want you to see. And illusions can only be maintained for a time.

The grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where you water it. If your attentions are focused outside of the marriage, you are starving your relationship. Make the intention to give your marriage at least as much energy as you’re giving your escape plans. Water it, nurture it, before you declare it dead.

 

Have you made changes in yourself?

We often blame our partners for our misery and frustration. We proclaim that if our spouse was only a better listener or less grouchy that our home life would be happy. We argue that he or she is lazy or materialistic or self-absorbed. We see our partners as the problem and ourselves as the victim.

We often want to fix our spouses. When what we really should be doing is fixing ourselves. Because you can’t change another’s actions, but you can always change your response.

So much of negativity in a marriage comes down to patterns of behavior: push and pull, nag and retreat, blame and contempt. If you can alter your responses, you have the potential of changing the entire pattern. And maybe even the marriage.

Many people use divorce as a catalyst for personal growth. Why wait? Improve yourself first and maybe the divorce doesn’t need to happen.

 

Have you informed your partner about your concerns and your feelings?

The first time your husband or wife hears about problems in the marriage should not be on the day you ask for a divorce. Even if you feel distant and disengaged, you have a responsibility to your spouse to communicate about the state of the union.

It takes courage to broach these difficult conversations; you have to be prepared to face anger or despondency or desperation. Ultimately, you are not responsible for your partner’s well-being, but you are accountable for transparency and truthfulness. If the marriage is at risk, make sure both parties know and are given the opportunity to campaign.

 

Are you on a snipe hunt for happiness?

We often fall victim to inertia in our lives. We slide into marriage and often into parenthood without being fully conscious and deliberate about our actions. As a result, we often “wake up” and realize that we’re not happy. We blame it on our jobs, our environment and our marriages.

But really, we’re often not happy with ourselves.

It’s so easy to end up on a snipe hunt for happiness. We look for validation and acceptance in our possessions, buying more and more to give the appearance of a good life. We surround ourselves with sycophants and flirts that convince us that we’re desirable.

If you are looking for happiness in a new relationship status, you will be disappointed. Happiness can’t be found without; that’s a hunt that will never end. Instead of blaming your circumstances for your misery, try taking ownership of your own well-being.

 

Is there addiction on either side?

Addiction is a disease that is characterized with instability, deception and a difficulty in addressing issues head-on. Addicts frequently pair with enablers, the give and take meeting both of their needs in an unhealthy dynamic. All of these concerns make it very difficult to be a healthy relationship with active addiction in the picture.

If you struggle with addiction, your first responsibility is your own sobriety. It is not fair to place that burden on your partner, nor should you feel obligated to stay with someone who undermines your sobriety.

If your partner is an addict, your first step is learning your role in the pattern. Get help. Join an Al-Anon group or something similar and educate yourself about addiction, codependency and sobriety. Regardless of your decision about divorce, make sure to address your behaviors and thinking that developed alongside the dependence. Addiction is a family disease. Take responsibility for curing yourself.

 

Are you falling for the sunk cost fallacy?

According to the sunk cost fallacy, we have a tendency to stay in commitments purely because of the time or money invested. For example, we may hold on to a car well beyond its life because we have spent so much money on repairs, even though it makes more sense to purchase a newer and more reliable car. In marriage, we may find ourselves staying put because of the months or years invested in the relationship.

But that’s not a reason to stay.

The sunk cost fallacy is born of a calculus of fear. We prefer to stay with what is known rather than venture into the unexplored. We hesitate to scrap what we have because of a fear or starting over.

Stay because of the present marriage and the future one, not because of what has passed.

 

Has there been betrayal on either side?

Betrayal undermines a relationship. It often occurs when there are problems within the marriage, acting as an alert but also distracting from the underlying issues.

If you have been betrayed, you may find yourself grasping onto the marriage out of a panic of losing your spouse. Or you may react with anger, rage blinding you from rational thought. Betrayal is insanely painful. Give yourself time to grieve before making decisions. And, also understand, that if your spouse is not willing to end the affair or address the problems in the marriage, your decision may have been made for you.

If you have been the unfaithful one, work first to understand the motivation behind your actions. What were you seeking? Have you been starving your marriage of attention? Are you running away from some truth? Are you afraid of being alone and setting up a new bed to hop into as soon as you leave the old? If you fail to understand why you made this choice, you most likely find that you are given another opportunity to examine it when you cheat again.

 

Are you aware of the impact of divorce on children?

Some people proclaim that divorce destroys children. Others argue that it has no impact on them all. The reality is somewhere in the middle; divorce, no matter how amicable, affects the kids.

Regardless of the decision made, consider the needs of the kids. Research the impact of divorce on children of different ages. Be mindful about how and what you tell them. Watch out for signs of depression or anxiety and be ready to seek interventions if needed. Put your concern for your children ahead of your anger for your spouse.

The best gift you can give a kid is a stable and loving home life. That may mean repairing your marriage or staying together until the children have launched. Or, it may mean ending an unhealthy marriage so that the family can have a fresh start.

 

Is there a lack of passion and intimacy?

We often ask too much of marriage. We expect it to be our safe place, our den against the elements, providing stability and security while also looking to it for passion and excitement. It can’t fulfill both.

Passion comes from risk. It comes from seeing your partner as an individual with his or her own interests and ideas. If we feel too secure, as though we know our partners better than they know themselves, there is nothing exciting. Part of maintaining excitement in a marriage is the acceptance of risk and removing the illusion of security.

We also have tendency to construct walls with the intention of limiting possible heartbreak. Those walls are also an illusion, as all they do is limit the potential of a marriage. Intimacy has to start with vulnerability. Don’t blame your partner for a lack of connection if you are refusing to let them in.

 

Are you afraid of being alone?

A fear of being alone is no reason to enter into a relationship and it is also not a reason to stay in one. We are social creatures. We fear abandonment and isolation. Often to our own detriment as we grasp onto relationships that are not good for us. Being happy alone is better than being unhappy in a relationship.

 

Ultimately, no one else can make the decision regarding divorce for you. It’s a call you have to make on your own. If you decide that divorce is the right decision in your case, please enter it mindfully. You cannot eliminate the pain and fear and confusion that follow, but you have the ability to mitigate at least some of its effects.

I wish you and your family the best in whatever your decision.

Dating After Divorce: Common Pitfalls

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you dating after divorce? Here are some common pitfalls to be aware of –

 

I received a message the other day from a woman who was recently divorced after fifteen years of marriage. But that’s not why she was reaching out. She was instead asking for help dealing with the utter devastation she was feeling at the end of a six month relationship.

She seemed surprised at the depth of her response.

I wasn’t.

Dating after divorce is often a journey through murky waters. Every encounter and action can have multiple layers, as we work through the end of one marriage, heal ourselves and learn to be in a new relationship. Those events take time and often result in certain stumbling blocks in dating after divorce.

Beginning Deja-Vu

If you were in a long marriage and you were faithful, it has probably been a long time since you have experienced the particular thrill that can electrify the early stages of infatuation. In fact, the last time you felt that intense passion and excitement may well have been with your ex, back when you thought they were the best thing ever. Anyone can get swept up in the romance of new love, but if you’re associating it with the beginning of long marriage, you’re even more at risk for reading more into it than there is. The beginning is always intense. But it’s what happens after that matters.

The Gift of Hope

When a marriage ends, it’s easy to feel unlovable. Broken, even. This belief is even more prevalent when infidelity or abandonment occurred and a partner is left wondering why he/she is not good enough. It’s common to fear that you will be alone. That no one will want you. When that first glimpse of love again occurs, it is though the clouds parted and let the sun through for the first time after a long, dark winter. It’s a sign that maybe you’re not broken beyond repair and that you can be loved as you are. Be careful, though. Because if you’re projecting damage, you will attract those who want to fix – white knights and enablers. It may feel good for a time, but they need you to remain broken. Is that what you want?

Warp Speed

When one has been married, one knows how to be married. And one often forgets how to date. Recent divorcees are known for rushing in to a relationship and then rushing in to commitment. It’s usually not intentional. It’s just the comfort zone. But getting to know someone takes time. If you’re talking home buying before you have discussed deepest fears and witnessed their most important values, you’re falling in love with an idea rather than a person. Slow down. 

Loss Amplified

Loss often triggers memories of other loss. Especially when a new relationship is entered soon after divorce, healing may be delayed. After all, it’s more fun to focus on the new romance than the demise of the old. But the thing about feelings is that they refuse to stay buried for long. As a result, the end of even a superficial connection can feel immense as it triggers the emotions buried from the earlier loss. What you feel may not always be a result of what just happened; cause and effect of emotion is more nuanced than that.

By all means, go out and date when you’re ready.

But please, keep your eyes open.

How Your Belief in a Soul Mate is Holding You Back

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve never been one to believe in soul mates. Even when my 22-year-old self said “I do” to the man I thought was perfect for me, I didn’t perceive him as “the one.”

And that idea may have saved me.

Because when the man-who-wasn’t-the-one decided to leave the marriage with a text message one day, I believed that I could create a happy marriage again and that I wasn’t merely a victim of fate.

There’s an allure to the idea of a soul mate, the belief that there is one person that is your perfect companion. The idea brings peace when relationships end (it’s over because he/she was not the one) and serves as a beacon of hope that everything will be okay once the right person enters your life.

We like the idea of a predestined partnership.

It’s romantic. It’s encouraging.

But it’s also limiting at its best and damaging at its worst.

 

 Here are five ways that your belief in a soul mate is holding you back.

Comparison Shopping in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whenever I introduce a new math concept, I begin my comparing it to something they already know. It helps to anchor their understanding to examine the similarities and recognizing the differences helps them deepen their understanding of the new topic.

 

Comparison is natural. Adaptive. It is a tool that our minds use to help sort information and make sense of our world.

But that tool can sometimes turn on us.

And instead of helping us construct meaning, comparison turns on us and brings feelings of inadequacy and scarcity.

We all suffer needlessly at times when we compare our lives to the lives of those around us. When we believe that the grass is always greener rather than watering our own lawns.  It’s such a common response that it even earned its way into the top ten list of sins.

 

But there’s another kind of comparison that often sneaks in after divorce and undermines our happiness: the comparison of a new date to your ex.

Again, comparison is natural. Adaptive. By holding a new person up to your ex, you can easily see the manifestation of traits you want/ don’t want again in a partner.

But it can also turn on you, leaving you pining for the past and unable to accept the present as it is.

It keeps you stuck. Gives you an excuse to stay safe and impenetrable.

It can happen silently, as you measure your current beau against the last even while continuing to act as though you are fully in the present. Sometimes, it may slip through your lips as you verbalize some area where past and present are different. Or, all too often, it exists on a subconscious level, a slight hum of dissatisfaction that can undermine the new relationship.

If you find yourself comparison shopping for a new relationship, try these strategies to change your thoughts:

 

Recognize when it happens. The first step to changing any habit is to be aware of it when it occurs.

Affirm that different only means different, not better or worse. We tend to fear the unknown and perceive change as always trending towards the inferior. But different is just different. And it is always uncomfortable at first.

Interrupt the thought. The more you allow your thoughts to follow a particular path, the more worn and easily tread the path will become. Stop the comparison thoughts when they happen and don’t allow the pattern to ingrain.

Focus on the positive differences. Make a list of all the ways your new partner is better than the old. Write it down to make it real. If you find yourself measuring a negative, shift the thought to, “Yes he/she isn’t as …. as my ex; however, he/she is so much better at ….”

Understand that developed can’t compare to embryonic. If you are in the early stages of a relationship, do not compare it to a mature relationship with its associated vulnerabilities and intimacies. Apples and oranges.

Fill the cavities. If there is something that your ex provided that your current relationship does not, seek another way to fill the void. Loved to watch foreign films with the ex and new beau prefers action flicks? Find someone else to meet your love for foreign films. No one person will meet all of your needs and as you transition from one relationship to another, you will have to shift what needs are met elsewhere.

Recognize that the past is rose-colored. It’s easy to paint the past as perfect when its sweaty socks aren’t strewn across the floor of your present existence. Don’t compare reality to a dream. You’ll never be satisfied.