Going “No Contact” – Strategies to Make it Work

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So you’ve decided that going no contact is the right decision for you. And now you’re wondering how in the world you’re going to make it work. Here are some suggestions –

 

Make Contact More Difficult

Delete their number from your phone and remove their email from your contacts. If you tend to reach out at a certain time of day, make an effort to be occupied or unavailable during that time. If evening are your downfall, shut down your phone and leave it out of reach. Do whatever you can to make contacting them a conscious and deliberate move, rather than one made out of reflex or habit.

 

Appoint an Accountability Buddy

Tell a trusted friend or family member about your intentions and ask them to help hold you accountable. If they are okay with it, ask if you can contact them whenever you’re tempted to reach out to your ex. Sometimes just letting someone know helps to keep you strong when you’re feeling weaker.

 

Deal With Your Social Media Accounts

Social media is wonderful when we want to stay in touch and informed but horrific when we’re trying to sever ties. Delete their profile, unfriend them or block them from all accounts. If you’re still finding that you look them up, consider disabling your account for a time until you’re feeling more able to resist the urge. Your peace of mind is more important that keeping up with the silly cat meme of the day.

 

Use Visual Reminders

I had a note on my computer for months. It simply said, “Don’t even think about it.” That note was a visual reminder of my intention posted right where I faced the greatest temptation. Consider changing your lock screen or your wallpaper to something that is a reminder about your decision. Consider the times and locations when you want to initiate contact and put a visual reminder in those places.

 

Remind Yourself Why You Made This Decision

We tend to reach out when we’re doubting our decision to end the relationship. So to counteract that doubt, craft a list of all the reasons that this was the right decision for you. Keep that list handy and refer to it whenever you’re considering making contact.

 

Find Something Else to Occupy Your Mind

If you’re busy and engaged, you won’t have the time or energy to consider making contact. This is a great time to throw yourself into a new project or to work towards a goal. My personal favorite? Do something with a finish line.

 

If You Have Children With Them…

There are times when no contact would be the best decision but the presence of children makes that an impossibility. In these cases, creating and maintaining boundaries is of the utmost importance. Decide how much and what kind of contact you must have for the sake of the children. Attempt to limit contact to those methods only. If your ex is manipulative or abusive, email may be your best option as it provides a record and is less intrusive than texting.

Be very clear that the only communication will be about the children. Refrain from responding to messages that intend to provoke an emotional response. If your ex refuses to follow your guidelines, consider mediation. Sometimes they listen better when the request comes from someone else.

And if it’s still awful? Start a countdown calendar until the day your youngest turns eighteen.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

 

Going “No Contact” – Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You’ve been trying to go no contact but you keep going back. Here are some of the reasons you may be struggling to stay away –

You Wish You Could Be Friends

I get it. I still feel a little twinge of envy when I hear about people that are friends with an ex. But for some of us, that simply is not a possibility. It’s not easy to transition from a romantic partnership to friendship and it takes the full cooperation of both parties to make it happen. Simply maintaining contact will not force this outcome.

Also, be open to the possibility that no contact now may be what’s needed for a friendship to develop in the future. While you’re apart, you each have the ability to grow and evolve independently. And maybe that growth needs to occur before there is a possibility of friendship.

 

You’re Looking For Closure

Maybe there’s that one last conversation that you never got have. Or, perhaps you’re wanting to hear an explanation for their decisions that hurt you. Regardless, it feels unfinished. Like a door not fully sealed against the cold.

Here’s the brutal truth that I finally realized – closure can never come from another person. No matter how honest and vulnerable they’re willing to be (and that’s generally not likely), you are never going to hear the words that will take your pain away. Closure doesn’t come from an outside source; it comes from within you.

 

You Are Focusing Only on the Good

You loved them. Obviously, you saw some good qualities there.

You stayed with them. I have to assume that there were some good times.

When we enter into a relationship, we tend to only see the good in our partner. In order to leave, sometimes it helps to also see the bad. 

After all, they are an ex for a reason. Remember that.

 

You’re Making Excuses

Do you find that you say any of the following? – “I just had to send them one more message.” “I needed to look at their Instagram to make sure they were okay after the storm.” “I didn’t initiate the text; I was only responding to their message. After all, it’s rude not to respond.”

We’re good at coming up with reasons to justify what we want to do. As long as you’re making excuses, you’ll keep struggling.

 

You’re Experiencing Loneliness

The loneliness after divorce or a breakup can be crippling. And it is so tempting to go right back that person that is known, that is comfortable. But loneliness is no reason to maintain a relationship. You want to be with somebody that you want to be with. Not just because you don’t want to be alone.

It can be scary to embrace being alone. There are no distractions. You’re forced to face your own fears. Your own stories. It’s not easy work, but it’s probably the most important work you’ll ever do.

 

You Are Wanting Things to Be Different

I wish it could be different too. It would be amazing if we all could find ourselves, find love and live happily ever after. But that’s not reality.

You reach out with the hope that maybe they have changed. Maybe you even believe words spoken to this effect. You get your hopes up.

Only to have them shattered again.

Sometimes, relationships go through a rough patch and can be saved through mutual effort and determination.

And sometimes, hoping for things to improve is simply wishful thinking.

It’s important to recognize the difference. If things aren’t changing, don’t expect them to change. After all, we all know the saying about doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard?

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Understanding No Contact

Going “No Contact” – What Are the Benefits?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you debating if “no contact” is the best decision for you after a divorce or a breakup? This strategy has benefits for many people. Here are some of the common advantages:

 

It Helps You Establish and Maintain Your Personal Power

For all of us, the lines between “me” and “we” can become blurred in a relationship of any significant intensity or duration. When a no contact policy has been adopted, it gives you the space and time to again figure out who you are separate from them.

It’s easy to begin to internalize the words that others speak about us. We begin to see ourselves as they see us. And as long as there is contact, these words will continue to echo in our thoughts. And the only way to handle a possession is with an exorcism.

 

No Contact Encourages Healthy Boundaries

For many people, setting and maintaining boundaries is difficult. You may state where the line is, but when challenged, you oblige, moving it back just a little bit. And then, you slide it just a little more. Before you know it, the boundary has been completely ignored. As a result, you feel under-appreciated and overlooked.

If you’re one of those who always puts other’s needs ahead of your own, no contact is a gift to yourself. It gives you permission to no longer worry about your ex’s well-being. This is a time when you can learn how to secure your own oxygen mask first and to ask for – and accept – what you need.

 

Your Focus Can Shift to Healing Yourself

When you have contact with your ex, it’s easy to focus on your ex – Are they happy? Are they dating? Do they miss me? Have they let themselves go or are they in the process of reinvention?

Especially if your ex struggles with addiction, mental health issues or other problems, it’s common to be worried about – and even consumed by – their state. And in many cases, an unhealthy ex will encourage this focus on their problems.

When you fully remove them from your life, you take away the excuse that you need to look after them. Which means that you can shift your attention to healing yourself, learning from this relationship and eventually putting those lessons to good use in another relationship.

 

Distance Helps to Provide Perspective and Clarity

Relationships are like the ocean – when you’re in it, you can feel it, but you can’t really see the whole of it. When you cut off contact and create some distance from your ex and the relationship, you allow yourself to begin to see the entirety of the situation more clearly.

Even occasional contact can act as a filter, a lens that blurs your view and makes it harder to see the relationship with more detachment and rationality. If you want to be able to fully understand and process where things went wrong, you first need to be able to see without undo emotion.

 

Space is Opened Up For New Possibilities

As long as your ex is taking up space in your life, that spot is occupied and nobody else can come in. When you remove them, you are making space for new possibilities.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

 

Why is it So Hard?

Signs That It’s Needed

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

I Was Lucky

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.

 

The Power in Applying “The Four Agreements” to Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
four agreements divorce

As a homework assignment for my recent girl’s weekend, I was asked to read The Four Agreements. I was fully willing, but somewhat skeptical, since as the only child of a counselor, I was raised on a steady diet of self-help. I think I overdosed.

After the first few pages, my skepticism was replaced with excitement and understanding. This was one book that made sense to me.

The premise is simple: four agreements that, if followed, will change your life. The book is short and the agreements are extremely simple but nowhere near easy. They are applicable to every area of life and manage to be general and still useful all at once. They are interconnected; one always leads to another.

As part of my own work with The Four Agreements, I am drilling down and applying them to various areas of life. I’ve already explored The Four Agreements in Marriageand The Four Agreements in Wellness. Those were easy applications. After all, those are areas where your intention is to be honest and want to be your best. Now, for the hard one – The Four Agreements in divorce. How can these covenants help you navigate such an awful time with more dignity and awareness? Can these promises actually hold true while in midst of a life disintegration? Can they help to provide support and focus intention in those darkest of days?

I think they can.

The dictionary lists “acceptance” as one of the synonyms of “agreements.” Perhaps that is a better approach when it comes to divorce. After all, you may not agree with the divorce, you most likely do not agree with your spouse or ex spouse and you certainly don’t agree with the courts. But you still have to accept it if you wish to find peace. So, bad grammar aside, here are the four acceptances of divorce:

 

Be Impeccable With Your Word

“I can be impeccable with my word. He/she is a #$%@! Did you hear the latest?”

I think we have all been there. Refraining from badmouthing your soon to be ex is a daunting task. He or she may appear to have morphed into some cartoon villain, fiendishly planning attacks while safe in his or her secluded lair. You feel justified in your verbal besieges; after all, you’re just responding to the volleys thrown at you.

But step back a moment. Where are your utterances really coming from? You’re hurt and speaking out to try to distance from the pain. You’re scared and trying to armor yourself with words. You’re angry and slinging insult-trimmed arrows. You’re sad and seeking comfort from others.

Are your words really about your ex? Or are they about you?

Is it more impeccable to say,

“I’m frightened. I haven’t been alone in a long time and I don’t know if I can do it. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be a good parent for the kids. I’m worried that I can’t be strong enough for them.”

or

“My ex is such a terrible parent. Every little things is a battle. I don’t even think he/she thinks about the kids, much less wants to be there for them.” ?

This acceptance was extremely difficult for me. I felt justified in my anger and outrage and I needed to express it. I felt like he had stolen my voice by refusing to talk, so I screamed instead. I poured pages of vitriol into my journal, I sent him scathing emails and I cursed him to others.

But on some level, I knew that, while purgative, those strategies were limiting. When I painted him as the villain, I cast myself as the victim.

To release my bindings, I had to release him as well.

Do not expect perfection of yourself with the acceptance. You will be disappointed. Rather, keep it in mind and strive to express what you’re feeling underneath the chaos of the split. Try to avoid blaming, either yourself or your ex. Try to accept the entirety of your ex, from the person you loved to the one you no longer know. Speak to them both.

Related: The Blame Game

Don’t Take it Personally

I hadn’t read the book yet, but this little acceptance changed my life. When I embraced this message, I began to forgive and to release the anger. Before that point, I saw him as deliberately working to destroy me. On some level, I pictured him plotting in his basement office, stroking the soul patch on his chin,

“Let’s see… I’ve already maxed out this card. Hmmm…I know! I’ll use the one in her name so that she has to deal with it later. Okay, now that the financial ruin has been planned, what else can I do? Well, obviously, an affair would be upsetting. Now, where can I find a willing woman? Oh, and at some point, I’ll have to leave her – yeah, that will really destroy her! What would be the worst? In person? Phone call? Letter? Sticky note? Skywriting? I know! I’ll do it with a text message. She’ll never see that coming!”

Pretty crazy, huh? I was taking it personally. In reality, he was not thinking of my well-being any more than I considered his during the divorce. Once I realized that his decisions and actions were about him, not me, I could stop reacting defensively and start seeing more rationally. He was hurting too.

It is difficult in a divorce to not take things personally. After all, you two were a partnership, a team, and now your partner has been recast as your adversary. It’s a wake-up call to realize how individual we really are. You were married to each other, yet you each experienced the marriage through your own experiences and perceptions. We can have empathy for another yet we have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Our egos take a beating in divorce. They perceive any attack as directed and they try to fight back. Put down the gloves and accept that the ego is simply protesting, much like a child throwing a tantrum. Let it cry. Let it scream. And then wipe its tears.

Related:Pardon Me, Ego. I Need to Get Through

Don’t Make Assumptions

Divorce is a time of great unknowns. Our brains hate the unknown, those gaps in the narrative. They strive to fill in the missing pieces. The medium used? Assumptions.

We assume we know why our ex is acting a certain way. We assume we know how he or she will respond. We assume that their actions and words accurately reflect their beliefs (as though they are impeccable when we are not).

We respond to assumptions rather than reality, building an entire relationship based upon an ever-weakening foundation of expectations.

We reach conclusions before we listen. We anticipate before we observe. We expect instead of accept.

Assumptions are a surefire way of maintaining your suffering. You are all but guaranteed to be hurt and disappointed when you live off expectations. This is yet another way that we can keep ourselves in the no-responsibility victim role, as we can see our hopes dashed again and again.

A divorce begins with letting go of the assumption that your marriage would last forever. The pain of the divorce will continue as long as you hold on to your other expectations. There is peace in letting go.

Related: Quitting vs. Letting Go

Always Do Your Best

Be gentle with yourself. You have suffered a great loss.

Be patient with yourself. It takes time to heal.

Be loving with yourself. You are deserving.

Be kind to yourself. You are not your mistakes.

Be firm with yourself. Always strive to do better.

…and recognize that your ex is probably doing his or her best as well.

Accept.

 

originally published in 2013