Was Any of It Real?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“When do you think it started?” I was asked recently in regards to my ex’s betrayals.

“I traced it back more than two years, but then I made a decision to stop looking. So really, I have no idea.”

I responded to her question while my mind was busy posing its own question to me –

“Was any of it real?”

It’s a question that plagued me in the beginning. Haunting me. Taunting me as I replayed memories built over sixteen years, examining them for signs of fabrication.

Was the entire marriage, the entire relationship, a sham? Did I unknowingly turn my life over to a master manipulator to be used and discarded as easily as a prop on a magician’s stage?

Or, was it once real? Pure and sweet before it became rotten and poisoned from some outside source?

I will never know.

Yet even amidst that perpetual uncertainty, I have made up my mind.

It doesn’t matter what was real and what was not.

Whatever his mindset and motivations were behind all of those precious memories are inconsequential. Because at the time those experiences and feelings occurred, they were real to me.

And that is what matters.

I will never know what happened behind the scenes. His experiences and thoughts will forever remain a mystery. And since a mystery takes up more mental space than a known entity, I have chosen to no longer entertain the question

Since the marriage is gone, its veracity no longer has any real meaning and serves no purpose outside of my own mind. It seems cruel to myself to settle on the more painful option, so I have elected to not contribute to the torment that he put me through and believe that at some point,

it was real.

 

Four Types of Marital Abandonment You Need to Know About

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I filed for a “fault” divorce (which, in retrospect, was a mistake), one of the reasons cited was “marital abandonment.” It was a clear call – he walked out of the house and out of my life, leaving everything behind in order to start a new life in a new state. It’s the textbook form of abandonment we’re all familiar with, a sudden and complete severing of the marital ties.

But it’s not the only way that a spouse can desert their marriage. These other forms of abandonment may be more subtle, but their impact is no less excruciating.

It’s important for us to be aware of the ways that we may be rejecting our spouses and if we’re on the receiving end, it’s helpful to understand what is happening.

 

Physical Abandonment

Physical abandoment can occur even when the body remains in the shared home. It can take the form of reduced affection, touching less and less as the years progress. Sometimes it’s a literal turning away when one partner bids for attention, leaving the request for physical contact unfullfilled. Other times, physical abandonment occurs in a more subtle way, a slow decline over time.

This type of abandonment can also be sexual, where one parter desires sexual connection and the other continually rejects their advances. Even when this rejection originates from valid concerns (such as illness that makes sexual contact difficult or painful), the partner who desires the physical contact tends to feel abandoned.

For many of us, touch is an important part of feeling loved. Feeling desired. And so when that touch is removed from a relationship, we feel discarded and worthless.

 

Attentional Abandonment

We all want to be seen, especially by the person that we love. Attentional abandonment occurs when we feel invisible within our own home as our spouse’s focus is directed elsewhere for extended periods of time. This can often be seen after the birth of a child, when the infant becomes the sole focus and the spouse is moved to the periphery. It also happens when one – or both – partners are focused on work, ailing family members, other people or hobbies.

Every marriage goes through patches of attentional abandonment with outside responsibilities have to take priority for a time. The problem arises when it becomes habitual and energy is continually funneled outside the marriage.

Without attention, a marriage, like a lawn, will whither. Whatever you nurture, grows.

 

Emotional Abandonment

When one person shares their emotional state with the other, it is a time of vulnerability. And when the response is dismissive or lacking, it leaves the vulnerable person feeling stranded without support or validation. When this is a continual pattern, it often leads to withdrawal and a lack of trust.

A lack of emotional connection weakens a marriage and can lead to a situation here two people are living alongside each other instead of living with each other. Ideally, each person can feel like the other has their back – both physically AND emotionally.

 

Spiritual Abandonment

This type of desertion can be as clear as one partner renouncing the faith that was a cornerstone of the relationship from the beginning. But it can also be beneath the surface of the marriage. All relationships have certain key values and goals and that center – family, personal growth, financial success, etc. And when one person in the marriage no longer holds those same guiding values, it leaves the other feeling discarded.

Of course, each person has the right and the freedom to shift their values and driving principles over time. Regardless of how it is handled, one partner may feel abandoned by the other. However, when there is open communication, the feeling of personal rejection will be lessened.

No matter what the intentions of our partners, we all can feel rejected sometimes. But there are ways that we can limit this reaction. Overall, feelings of abandonment are increased when the changes are abrupt and there is no discussion of the situation. When we feel like we understand why the withdrawal is occurring, we are less likely to take it personally and less likely to view it as a desertion of the marriage.

I Needed Him to Face the Consequences, Yet I Was the One Who Paid

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I need for him to face the consequences of what he has done.”

I vocalized those words to my parents when we first discovered that my husband had committed marital embezzlement and felony bigamy. Those words were the driving force behind my decision to contact the police about his actions. I expressed those words through clenched teeth to the district attorney and the victim advocate while my body still trembled with the shock. I used those words as a mantra as I carefully gathered evidence and pieced together the story. And I relied on those words as I made decisions throughout the divorce process.

The need for him to pay, either by returning the money he had swindled from me or by serving jail time for his crime, was a driving force. As real and as persistent as a need for food. I was convinced that he needed consequences so that he could experience the pain he inflicted, so that I could find closure and, perhaps most of all, because it was only fair that he face the repercussions of his choices.

For a time, I thought it was going to work. The DA’s office discussed the possibility of jail time or at least a protracted probation. My attorney discussed restitution and requested the totals of monetary losses. I even felt some satisfaction when it seemed as though his career may be endangered due to his deceptions.

And then, it all collapsed. He was granted a diversion in the bigamy case. He made exactly two paltry payments out of the many ordered by the divorce decree. And as far as I knew, he even kept his job.

I was devastated. Directionless. I had spent most of my energy in the previous eight months devoted to making him pay only to be left vacant while he appeared to dance away free and clear. I was angry. I was defeated.

And I was also at a crossroads.

I could choose to continue to driven by the need to make him pay. I was well within my rights to alert the DA’s office that my now-ex husband had not met the terms of the diversion, which carried with it an automatic felony conviction. I could contact my divorce attorney and pursue contempt charges for neglecting to follow the terms of the decree.

Or, I could decide to walk away. To let go of the need to make him pay and instead invest in my own future.

I chose the second option. And it’s funny, even though I’m not aware of any consequences he has faced, I’ve found closure. I’ve found financial stability. I have found a happy new life. I have found peace.

And I didn’t need him to pay for any of it.

The, “I am going to make them pay” attitude comes with a high price during divorce. Here’s what it will cost you –

Legal Fees

When you’re approaching the legal process with a desire to make your ex pay, the paperwork and billable hours increase exponentially. Not only are you asking your attorney to do more (which they are more than happy to bill you for), you are also prompting your ex to go on the defensive (also upping the time and costs involved) or even to launch a counterattack.

In my own case, I had a choice between “fault” and “ no fault” divorce. I chose the first one because the latter verbiage made my stomach turn. That lack of a single word probably cost me 4 months and $15,000. In hindsight, I should have selected the faster and easier route, even if I later scratched out the word “no” on the final decree.

Heightened Negativity

A need for revenge is carried on the swells of ugly emotions. It feeds anger as you remain focused on the wrongs that were committed. It prompts episodes of “why me?” as you wail against the injustices. It even elicits feelings of envy as you feel like you’re the only one paying. As long as you’re focused on your ex, you’re keeping yourself mired in the muck around the divorce.

I was given a form by the DA’s office that asked me, the identified victim, to describe what I thought my husband’s legal consequences should be for the bigamy charge. Before writing on the page, I photocopied it so that I could pen a version in line with my revenge fantasies. It was in line with the dark humor that saw me through those months, but it also showed how much anger was still roiling inside me. And as long as I was driven to make him pay, that anger would be my companion.

False Sense of Control

Divorce brings with it so many changes and so much that it out of your control that it is natural to try to dictate whatever terms you can. And using the court system in an attempt to make your ex pay can bring with it a sense of power, especially if you have the financial means to support your strike. This is especially acute in cases of an affair where the betrayed is desperately looking for a handhold to stop the sickening sense of free fall. But the legal process isn’t in your hands. The judge can choose to ignore the mountains of evidence. And your ex can chose to not follow the orders.

I found another sort of control in my quest. The sheer obsessiveness that I approached the legal process was a distraction from the overwhelming pain and fear that I was experiencing. By focusing on the next document or the latest email from the attorney, I didn’t have to look too closely at myself. But as with the straw man of the legal process, this emotional control was simply a false diversion that only delayed my own progress.

Emotional Letdown

Pretend for a moment that your ex is made to pay in exactly the terms you hope for. What then? Do you hurt any less? Is the disruption to your life any smaller? Has your anger suddenly dissipated? Do you now have a deep sense that your ex truly understands what you went through? Probably not. It’s all too easy to place too much value on the consequences, assuming that everything will be okay once the pound of flesh has been extracted. And the realization that the payment, no matter how steep, isn’t enough can be quite an abrupt letdown.

I never experienced the emotional anticlimax that follows the dispensation of consequences. Instead, I faced the letdown of payments never made and debts never settled. It was as though all of my efforts for the previous eight months were simply torn up and thrown away like so much garbage. It felt like running a marathon only to be felled by a sprained ankle just shy of the finish line. It was over, but it wasn’t finished.

Until, that is, I decided that I was done. Done with paying for my attorney’s summer vacation with my need for revenge. Done with allowing the negative thoughts to set up residence in my head. Done with pretending that I could control external circumstances. And done with allowing his consequences to dictate my well-being.

I realized just how much making him pay was costing me. And I decided the price wasn’t worth it.

Been Rejected? 6 Reasons It May NOT Be About You

Posted on by stilllearning2b
rejected

There’s no sugar coating it. Being rejected by a romantic partner sucks.

It stings when it’s a potential match on a dating site that doesn’t return your message. The rejection hurts when it comes from someone you’ve been dating for awhile. And it’s utterly devastating when that rejection originates from the person who vowed to love you forever.

One of the reasons that romantic rejection is so painful across the board is that we have a tendency to personalize it. To interpret the message, “I don’t want to be with you” as some version of “You’re a worthless and/or terrible person.” We then often follow that up with some lovely generalization – “Since this person doesn’t love me, nobody will love me.” And then our brains, happy to play along, begin to offer up endless examples and evidence to support these conclusions.

Ugh.

No wonder rejection sucks so badly.

It is so difficult to see a recent relationship and its demise with any sort of clarity. This is doubly true when there is rejection and an unwanted ending. But before you punish yourself for your shortcomings or allow yourself to wallow in a pit of self-pity, consider these possible reasons for the rejection that have little to do with your worth as a person and as a partner.

 

1 – You’re Not What They’re Looking For

Perhaps the easiest situation to face is when you’re rejected before the relationship has an opportunity to develop. At this early juncture, they are not really rejecting you because they do not yet know you.

Furthermore, no matter how utterly amazing you are, you’re not going to be the right kind of amazing for every person.

And that’s okay.

Scratch that. That’s MORE than okay. Because if you’re the type of person who is pleasing to everyone, it means that you’re not being true to yourself. And that’s a hell of lot more important than getting a follow-up text after a first date.

Sometimes this rejection happens after some time has passed. Like when you’re putting a puzzle together and you wedge a piece into place until eventually, you’re forced to admit that it doesn’t fit.

This type of rejection really is a blessing. You’re not wasting time on a person that isn’t a good match for you.

 

2 – They Are Unhappy With Themselves

Buckle up.

This is a biggie.

And so very common with people that end up cheating on their partners. Which, of course, brings with it a hefty serving of rejection.

When people are not in touch with their emotions, they become aware of their unhappiness, but they struggle to pinpoint its cause. And since it’s uncomfortable to look within and take responsibility for their own state of mind, they look to external causes.

So, tag. You’re it.

Sometimes this manifests as projection, as they paint you with everything they are struggling with themselves. Other times it may be more complex – depression, anxiety or addiction causing them to retreat. And then as the relationship suffers from a lack of attention, they blame you for being the wrong person.

This type of rejection is especially painful. At some level, you release that it’s pointless. That their snipe hunt for happiness won’t take them anywhere worth going. At the same time, it’s frustrating because you want to help them and once you’ve been rejected, you lose any influence you once had.

The biggest lesson here is not to take on their unhappiness. That is not your burden to bear. You cannot help them, so focus on your own recovery.

 

3 – They’re Bored

When we’re kids, we build up the idea of adulthood – “I’m going to stay up all night, eat junk food whenever I want and I’m going to become a [fill-in-the-blank with some high-impact, low imagined stress, big bucks kind of career].”

And then at some point in adulthood, we’re left thinking, “Is this all there is?”

Because no matter what we have going on, we are all creatures of habit. And habits inevitably become boring.

So sometimes you’re rejected because your partner has become bored. Restless. They want to throw everything out and start fresh.

Which I think is an urge we can all relate to on some level. Yet we don’t all indulge it in a reckless and selfish way.

This type of rejection really is about them. They’re not willing or able to engage with you as a team to explore how to bring more excitement into your lives. Instead, they’re taking the nuclear option and you’re in the blast zone.

Use this (unwanted but gifted) opportunity to shake up your own life. Besides, getting out of your comfort zone is a great way to rebuild your confidence after you’ve been rejected.

 

4 – Your Paths Have Diverged

How many of your friends from middle school are you still in touch with? And those that you no longer see, is that because they’re miserable people? Or unlovable?

Or simply becomes you’ve moved on in different directions?

Of course, it is infinitely more painful when your partner’s path diverges from yours. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

From What Makes a Marriage Successful:

I’ve always found it funny/sad how we classify marital success purely by its duration. I mean, imagine if we applied this same metric to other areas of our lives –

She was a really great student – she was in school for fifty years!

He was an amazing dog, but he was a failure as a pet because he died before he turned ten.

It was a wonderful dinner. The service was so slow that the meal lasted for hours!

I’m afraid I have to give the book only one star because it ended.

Pretty crazy, huh?

So why do we then so easily apply this faulty logic to marriages? Classifying them as failures if they end and successes if they persist?

 

This type of rejection is a loss, a mourning. Yet it may also be the right – and brave – call to make. Sometimes it’s best to finish the meal before it spoils and hold the experience in memory.

 

5 – They Are Attempting to Avoid the Work of Relationships

When the honeymoon period ends, the real relationship begins.

ALL relationships of any duration and authenticity require effort. Sacrifice. Compromise and communication.

And some people are just lazy. Or deluded.

So when a relationship hits that first gravel road of reality after the open highway, they decide that a new ride will smooth everything over.

This type of rejection is a reality-check. You deserve someone who will fight with you when life becomes tough. Instead, you’ve learned how they “handle” problems.

Your lesson here? Pay close attention with your next relationship. Look for courage, persistence and a good grounding in reality. You want the iron horse that can go the distance, not the shiny trinket that will soon tarnish.

 

6 – They’re Experiencing Shame

Shame says, “If you see me. Really see me. You won’t love me.”

And so when someone is in the depths of shame, they often reject others who get too close out of a fear of being seen – and rejected – themselves.

This rejection is tragic. They’re setting you out at the very time they need support and love the most. Yet the more you push for them to open up, the tighter they coil around themselves.

This is an opening that can only be done on their schedule. And by rejecting you, they’ve told you not to put your life on hold while they try to sort theirs out.

Depending upon the circumstances, you may be receptive to a reunion down the road if they do their own healing work. Or, you may decide that it’s too painful and you need to move on. Both are okay.

It is not your job to fix them. That’s the enduring lesson here. Oxygen mask and all that jazz.

 

You’ve been rejected.

It hurts.

It’s confusing.

And it’s scary being alone.

And yes, there may be some painful truths in the rejection that you need to accept. At the same time, don’t be so quick to assume all culpability. More often than not, the reality is somewhere in the middle.

 

I want to leave you with this, the mantra that I recited to myself every night after my husband abandoned me –

Never allow one person to determine your worth.

They may have rejected you. Don’t make the mistake of rejecting yourself.

 

Want more? Just Because it Happened TO You, Does Not Mean it Happened BECAUSE of You

The 9 Eye-Opening Realizations That Helped Me Recover From an Unwanted Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When you’re facing an unwanted divorce, it’s natural to be mired in the unfairness and tragedy of it all. Goodness knows, I spent a significant amount time cursing what was done to me and focusing on what was taken from me against my will.

Healing came in slowly, with plenty of missteps and false starts. From my vantage point now, almost ten years since life as I knew it ended, these are the powerful “aha moments” that eventually propelled me forward. Some of these realizations were like a sweet offering, immediately bringing me peace. Others were like a bitter pill, unpleasant at first but promised relief once consumed.

Taken together, these are the understandings that allowed me to move beyond the trauma and devastation of an unwanted divorce. Perhaps they can help you too.

1 – It wasn’t about me.

Of course this was about me, I assumed. My husband lied to me. Cheated on me. Stole from me. Obviously, he was somehow motivated by a desire to destroy me, right?

From The Power in Applying the Four Agreements to Divorce:

I was taking it personally. In reality, he was not thinking of my well-being any more than I considered his during the divorce. Once I realized that his decisions and actions were about him, not me, I could stop reacting defensively and start seeing more rationally. He was hurting too.

This was one of those bitter pills. After all, the pictures of my husband and his other wife cavorting with monkeys in Africa (while I was still keening through the nights) certainly didn’t make it look like he was hurting. But by looking at the more subtle clues, I could see otherwise.

Understanding that he was acting to alleviate his own pain didn’t erase mine and it certainly didn’t excuse his selfish and callous actions. Yet the realization that I was more collateral damage than an intended target made the truth just a little easier to accept.

The awareness that this was bigger than me continued to evolve.

From You’re Not Special:

I would read or listen about the depths of pain others experienced through divorce and silently believe that my pain had to be different.

Special.

And I had plenty of evidence to back up my belief. After all, how many 16 year relationships end with a text, fraud and bigamy?

It was a great excuse to delay the real work of healing for a time; by focusing on the sordid details, I gave myself a reason to ignore the collective wisdom from the universal experience of love and loss. On the surface, I would graciously accept guidance and advice while tacitly believing that it didn’t apply to me.

Because I thought that my situation, my experience, my pain was special.

I focused on what set me apart rather than what bound me to the common.

In reading fiction, I learned to let down my stubborn insistence that my pain, my experience was unique. I realized that when it comes to pain, the details don’t matter.

I empathized with characters facing illness, losing loved ones in myriad ways, dealing with natural and manmade disasters and even with those experiencing what would be classified by most as a minor loss. I related to the antagonists and protagonists, men and women, children and elderly and even the occasional non-human. In almost every story, I found elements shared with my own.

My focus blurred, editing out the details and seeing instead the ever-present themes of love and loss, of fear and shame and of hope and persistence.

I wasn’t special.

And I welcomed that realization.

We often stubbornly hold onto our pain, allow it to become part of our identity. Therefore, the realization that it isn’t ours to carry alone is a gift of freedom. Yet it’s a gift that we have to out into action…

2 – Healing was my responsibility.

This truth was the most difficult for me to accept. In fact, I railed against it. He was the one who made these choices, caused this damage. How could I be the one to mend it?

For much of that first year, I would play this little mind game with myself, “It will all be okay if…” The sentence would then be completed with a variety of actions that others (my ex, the courts) would take. I promised myself that I would be able to let go and get on with it just as soon as this thing happened.

From What Would Make It All Okay:

I played out certain scenarios in my mind and found that each time, the relief would be temporary and greatly lacking.

I finally had to accept the conclusion that there was nothing that could make it all okay.

Nothing that is, except myself.

Okay wasn’t going to come from the courts. Okay wasn’t going to be linked to a bank transfer or prison sentence. Okay wasn’t even going to come from him.

I had to figure out how to create okay on my own.

At some point, I realized the absurdity of wanting some words or actions from him before I could heal. This was a man of questionable character and limited integrity. Why would I ever entrust my well-being to him?

From The Four Words That Are Holding You Back (and The Four Words to Say Instead):

The problem with, “It’s not my fault,” is that it so easily slides into “And therefore there’s nothing I can do about it.”

And the two declarations are vastly different.

Replace “It’s not my fault” with “It is my responsibility.”

Rather than point fingers (or waste your time and money on those that help you pass blame), use those fingers to grab your own bootstraps.

Nobody else is going to do it for you.

———-

Your future is your responsibility.

Your well-being is your responsibility.

Your happiness is your responsibility.

And if you don’t accept that responsibility, that IS your fault.

———-

It is my responsibility to …

Shift my attention from what happened to me to what I am going to make happen.

Focus on what I can do.

See my limitations as my starting point, not as excuses to never start.

Be realistic with my goals.

Set a limit to the amount of energy I expend on placing blame. That energy can be put to better use.

Surround myself with people who believe I can.

Ask for (and accept) help when I need it.

To refuse to allow somebody else to define me.

Communicate my needs clearly and calmly.

Manage my emotions so that they do not control me.

Establish and maintain appropriate boundaries.

Speak and act with kindness. Towards others and also towards myself.

Believe in myself and act in accordance with that belief.

Yet still, this felt wrong. It was an emotional hit and run. Surely he should pay. Which leads me to the next realization…

3 – Fairness is Bullshit.

I thought I needed him to pay. It didn’t seem right that he could act so callously and get away with it. When the court system failed to produce any real consequences for his unethical and even illegal actions, I turned to karma, convinced she wouldn’t let me down.

But apparently, at least when it comes to my situation, karma works only on her own terms. Because while my world was reduced to rubble, my ex’s life seemed to be running along just fine.

“It’s not fair!” I wailed when I learned of yet another debt he had incurred that I had to pay. “It’s not fair,” I muttered to myself as his other wife’s blog spoke of intimacy while I spent my nights alone. “It’s not fair,” I chanted, looking for some sort of cosmic balance that would create some sense out of all this chaos.

Fairness, in a quid pro quo sense, doesn’t exist outside of movies. No matter how equitable the circumstances appear to be, the reality is that each person often feels as though their share is lacking (as anyone who has tried to give equal gifts to siblings can attest). No matter what consequences he faced, it would never be enough to balance the scales I had erected in my mind.

Eventually I released that this plea for fairness wasn’t really about a need for justice (even though I still wanted him to feel the pain he inflicted upon me). What I really wanted was a reassurance that I would be okay, that all of this bad would be counterbalanced by good. I didn’t really want revenge; I wanted hope.

Fairness is a mirage. An illusion. You can insist it’s real and chase it all you want, but it’s impossible to catch. Because fairness is bullshit, which also means…

4 – Energy directed towards him was wasted.

As soon as my ex husband sent me the text that ended our marriage, my life was no longer entwined with his.

Unfortunately, I didn’t receive that message until much later.

While the divorce was ongoing, I Googled him endlessly, convincing myself that I needed to know what he was doing in order to finalize the divorce. I entertained the “what ifs,” proclaiming that if only he had acted differently, that the outcome would be altered.

From At Some Point, It’s No Longer About the Nail:

In the beginning, I made it all about him.

What he did.

Why he did it.

How he did it.

Where he was.

Who he was.

It was an escape of a sort. A distraction. If I stayed focused on him, I didn’t have to think about me.

What I was going to do now that my life was washed away.

Why this happened to me.

How I was going to survive and rebuild.

Where I was going to live.

And who I was without him.

I turned my energy towards him because it was easy. Blame is easy. And since energy is a finite resource, as long as I directed it towards things I could not change, I had a handy excuse to not make any changes within my own life.

Eventually, it sunk in that all of this energy I expended on him was wasted. It poured out of me, left me drained and offered nothing in return. If I was going to be exhausted, I decided that I might as well get something out of it.

So I vowed to focus that energy on myself, which allowed this next truth to become apparent…

5 – My happiness wasn’t tied to his.

From What Happens to the Ones Who Leave:

For a long time (longer than I like to admit), I needed my ex to be in pain. It was almost as though I saw it as some sort of tug-of-war with only a limited amount of happiness to share between us. And so I had to pull his away to ensure that there was enough for me.

When I heard that he was doing poorly, I felt a little better. When he seemed to be thriving, I felt even worse about my own situation.

After so many years together, it was simply unimaginable that our lives – and our happiness – was no longer intertwined.

This realization came from some boundaries set by my now-husband when we first started dating. He saw the anger in me, validated its existence and also stated that it was not compatible with our relationship in the long run.

I was faced with the harsh truth that I was hesitant to release this anger because in many ways, it was last tie that bound me to my ex husband. Over the next few years, I worked to find a place of detached compassion for my ex. To the point where now, I even wish him happiness.

Another insight from this realization was that the less satisfied I was with my own life, the more I reacted to any thought of him doing well. It was a clear sign that I needed to work on building my life…

6 – A bad day does not signify a bad life.

I posted several goals for myself in those early months, everything from learn to cook a gluten free meal to secure a new job. My goals kept me busy. I ran my first race, started writing a book and eventually began dating again (which was also a goal of mine).

My life existed in two separate spheres – I had the realm where I was broke, facing the unknown legal battles and reeling from the betrayal. On the other hand, I had my amazing friends and family, a steady income and a growing social life. For the most part, I was doing okay, in part thanks to the honeymoon period after divorce.

Until those moments when I wasn’t.

In those terrible moments when reality slammed me to my knees, I easily believed that my life was over. I just couldn’t fathom how I would ever trust again. Deciding I was broken, I worried I would remain alone and unloved. It felt like I could never climb back out again.

But that was fear talking.

From Not Every Day is a Good Day. Show Up Anyway:

On those bad days, there is the temptation to crawl back under the covers and wait for the next sunrise to signal a do-over. Our minds feel pulled towards what’s not going right, thinking about it even past the point where thinking is needed. The plummet of our emotions seems as inevitable as a raft in whitewater poised at the top of a waterfall. We yearn to avoid the discomfort and so we try to distract with food, a drink or busyness. And the idea that things can be better is nothing but a distant possibility, so hazy that it seems like the false hope of a mirage.

Not every day is a good day.

Yet even if the chips are down and the tears are frequent, it is still YOUR day.

You can make the decision to show up anyway.

To proclaim, “Damn it. I am going to be present. I am going to persist. I am going to be positive.”

My husband likes to say that loyalty isn’t about being there when things are good; it is about being there when things are bad.

Be faithful to yourself.

Even on the bad days, show up.

And never confuse a bad day for a bad life.

Once I accepted the non-linear, Chutes and Ladders nature of healing, I found that I was much more patient with the inevitable setbacks. I was able to limit my fear and frustrations when bad days happened, which led to the awareness that…

7 – I can moderate my emotional responses.

It seemed impossible.

For the better part of a year, I avoided driving by my old home. Even turning down a neighboring street would cause my heart rate to skyrocket, my legs to tremble and the tears to well in the corner of my eyes.

I pretty much accepted that these sort of emotional overreactions were now to be expected and I might as well invest in extra Kleenex and maybe a car without a clutch that my trembling legs struggled with.

And then I met my now-husband and his amazing dog, Tiger. At first, it was scary learning to walk a hundred-pound enthusiastic pit bull. My anxiety would rise and with it, his tendency to misbehave. Slowly and with the help of others, I learned how to manage my emotional response.

From You Are NOT How You Feel: 8 Ways to Create Space With Your Emotions:

The yoga class I attended this morning ended with a lovely meditation on loving detachment. We so easily identify with our feelings. “I’m scared, therefore this must be dangerous.” “I’m sad, so this loss must be catastrophic.” “I’m angry and you must have done something to provoke that.”

Yet even though we feel these things, we are not these things.

And just because we experience these feelings, it does not mean that they are true.

When we are too close with our emotions, we become perceptively impaired, listening to what is bubbling up from within rather than observing what is around.

Great peace can come from taking a step back, creating space between you and your feelings. Not to deny them or to judge them, but to notice them and accept them.

It’s the difference between standing out in the storm and watching the deluge through the window.

This wasn’t the most difficult realization to accept, but it has been the most challenging to fully implement. The emotional debris left behind by an unwanted divorce is not easy to sift through. Ultimately, I had to accept…

8 – I’ll never understand and that’s okay.

I was obsessed with finding a label. At first, it was sociopath. Then, it shifted to narcissist. I wanted a name to explain why he did what he did and a diagnosis to offer some sort of solace in pathology.

From You Don’t Need to Understand in Order to Move On:

But no matter how hard I tried, understanding remained elusive. I knew much of the “what,” but little of the “why,” much like a student that simply memories material for the exam without fully comprehending any of it. I finally reached two realizations:

1 – I was attempting to apply rational thought to irrational actions. I simply wouldn’t be able to understand because there wasn’t a logical motivation or explanation for what had occurred. It is simply not possible to make sense of the senseless.

2 – Part of my struggle to understand originated from the fact that I couldn’t fathom, no matter the circumstances, making the same decisions he did. My brain couldn’t go there, even as a purely cognitive exercise. You cannot understand what you cannot even imagine and sometimes an inability to comprehend is a reflection of your character.

The drive for understanding partially came from a misunderstanding of closure. I thought that closure would come when I had all the answers.

What I eventually learned was that closure came when I no longer cared about the answers. I knew that I had moved on when trying to diagnose and analyze him became boring instead of obsessive. In fact, I eventually reached the point where I was grateful that this happened because…

9 – Different can be better.

“I want what I had,” I would tell people when they asked if I wanted to date and/or marry again.

Little did I know what else was out there. And that different can actually be better.

From Can You Find Happiness With a New Partner After Unwanted Divorce?: 

After an unwanted divorce, all you feel is the loss and all you know is what you had. There’s a tendency to smooth over the rough edges and idealize the person who left. The sense of deprivation causes a panicked grasping, an almost-obsessive need to try to hold on to whatever you can of your former partner. Every ounce of your being is focused on the void you feel and you naturally seek to want to stuff your ex back into that space to fill that hole.

Sometimes this manifests through repeated attempts to win the ex back or a more subtle yet persistent pining for the one who left. Other times it shows up by trying to sift through the single scene looking for a doppelgänger to replace what was lost.

You miss what you know and you don’t know what you haven’t had.

In my case, I did decide to marry again. But that’s not what made me heal or brought new happiness into my life. Those came from accepting my new reality while at the same time refusing to be limited by it.

Once I replaced, “Why me?” with “What now?” life began to open.