stilllearning2b

Over with a Capital O (but apparently Geico didn’t get the message)

Posted on April 12, 2012 by stilllearning2b

I’ve never fallen in love at first sight, but I sure fell out of love at first sight of the text message my husband of 16 years sent me three years ago.

“I am sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way, but I am leaving you and leaving the state.”

Until that moment, I would have gladly taken a bullet for for him. After that moment, I wanted to be the one to discharge said bullet. I never could have imagined that my feelings for him could change so dramatically. So quickly. So completely. I went from missing him and wanting to snuggle up next to him to being repulsed by the very idea of him. I wanted him purged from my very existence, wiped clean from my slate.

I’ve learned that is not an easy thing to do.

When I got the mail today (why is it that the mail always seems to hide such ugly surprises for me?), I found a piece of junk from Geico addressed to my ex. Now, let me explain how strange this is. I have moved four times in the last three years. I changed my last name at the time of the divorce two years ago. And…my ex and I never had any insurance through Geico (I started using them AFTER the divorce). How and why did they connect our names and why are they assuming he lives with me? (Maybe I should check the closets just in case.)

It doesn’t matter how much I want him to disappear, apparently echoes of him will continue to sound through my life. At least now, those echoes are muffled, causing no discomfort only a mild curiosity and annoyance. It was Over three years ago; these sounds are just the noise of a dead relationship. Apparently Geico didn’t get that memo.

Tips for Surviving a Malignant Divorce

Posted on April 11, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Divorces are never easy; lives are torn asunder, feelings are trampled and insecurities raised, and both parties are left with a great sense of loss and often failure. Some divorces turn ugly, with both partners lashing out at each other, trying desperately to hold onto the children, home, or things from the marriage. Yet others hide a quiet malignancy, one partner using manipulative tactics to attempt to undermine and discredit the other. This is the divorce with which I am familiar. (How it Began)

How to Diagnose a Malignant Divorce

If you are facing a malignant divorce from a spouse who seems to feel no empathy and will seemingly stop at nothing to transfer blame, you will not have an easy road ahead. You will find that those around you mostly likely believe that it takes two to make a marriage fail, and they will be all too quick to accept your ex’s explanations as to your part in the demise of the union, even if they are complete fabrications. The truth is that many people do not know how to recognize these pathological narcissists, so they try to fit the divorce into the only mental model they have. All of this can leave you feeling even more alone and scared as you set out to defend yourself against the one you vowed to cherish.

Help! I’m Divorcing a Narcissist

These are some tips if you find yourself in the position of facing off against a malignant ex that will help you maintain your sanity and limit the damage done through the process.

Understand the System

The system is not designed to deal with this type of dishonesty, nor is it designed to protect marital victims. This was my hardest and most painful lesson. I expected there to be more accountability for him, but the reality is that someone, especially a gifted liar, can skate through relatively unscathed. Not fair, but true. In my case, the decree ordered that he make all kinds of restitution and work to absolve my name. Not. One. Thing. Happened. And there was nothing I could do other than waste time and money on another civil action. It sucks. It’s not fair. But that is the way it is. Let go of wanting your ex to face appropriate legal sanctions, as it may never happen. You need to find a way to be okay regardless.

Marital Treason

Gather Evidence

This is critical when your ex will spin outrageous lies; you need to have anything and everything at your disposal to be able to refute his or her claims. My ex took all of the financial and computer records with him, so I had to stretch to find any evidence. Those little scraps of data were enough to have him arrested for bigamy, however. Collect everything, even if think you do not need it. This evidence can be used to back up your story and also build your credibility. The officer that arrested my ex was treated to some believable stories by my ex (my favorite- he and I divorced in 2006 and I was remarried to a chiropractor named Mark (Marc?) Mercer and living in the next community over), but he very quickly came to trust my side as I emailed and faxed him one document after another. I felt utter relief as the first non-family member saw through the lies.

Reality Anchor

Find something, some place, or someone that is your anchor to reality. The world of the pathological liar is a crazy one and you have been brought along for the ride. There will be times when you begin to doubt yourself, begin to feel as though nothing is as it seems. This is when you need to turn to your anchor to remind yourself of what is real and what is smoke and mirrors. My anchor was his mug shot and an associated newspaper article from when he was arrested for felony bigamy. I carried that picture in my purse for almost a year. Every time I would open another claim from his attorney or have to face someone in an official position, I would pull out that crinkled print-out and find my sanity again.

When is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Choose Your Battles

It can be so hard to listen to your ex’s inflated claims and not try to defend each one. You will find that it is not even possible; he/she is adept at turning up the speed of the malicious game, distracting you with one lie while volleying two more. Choose your battles. Select the lies to tackle based on the impact they will have in the divorce. Let the little ones go. Some of the lies that made me the angriest were regarding the intimacy in our marriage. I could have tried to refute those, but it would have been wasted energy and a difficult truth to prove. I had to learn to believe in the truth, even when he was spewing lies.

A Letter to the IRS

Self-Care

Make no mistake; you are in a war. It is critical that you take breaks between the battles to rest and care for yourself. Spend time with friends that you know believe you and believe in you. Go for a massage, tender comforting touch can help the soul heal. Make sure to exercise, it can be a great tool for alleviating anxiety or reducing anger. Try meditation when you are able. You will need to stay healthy; don’t give your ex the power to take that away from you.

Why I Run

No Contact

In many divorces, the partners spend hours discussing the end of the relationship, its repercussions, and plans for the future. With a manipulative ex, there is nothing to be gained from contact, as they cannot be trusted. See if you can get a no-contact clause in your separation. Also, you may need to consider your physical safety. My ex had never struck me, but I found myself physically afraid of this man who had become a stranger, set to destroy me. I was unable to obtain a protective order due to a lack of history of abuse, but I did notify the police of the situation and they were able to do regular drive-bys. Remove yourself from your ex. He/she is not what you thought and contact will only serve to delay that realization. If you have children together, you will obviously have to have some communication but you can limit the type and frequency.

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Focus on Your Future

It is important throughout that you remember what is really important: you and your future. You will not win all the battles, especially when your ex doesn’t play by the rules. But, if you remember that your ultimate goal is to get out and get on, you will be okay.

Goal Post

Stereoscopic Self

Posted on April 10, 2012 by stilllearning2b

One of the side effects of being in a relationship so long is that it shapes your self-image. My self view was partially constructed internally, but was also built from his external perspective. I believed what he saw in me and that became part of my self construct. This was seamless and not readily apparent until he was gone, leaving me with a single perspective. It felt like going from binocular vision to viewing with only one eye. I lost perspective and depth, seeing myself from a single vantage point, and one that was clouded over with tears.

I lost track of what was me and what was his view of me. I never thought to question any distinction.

Through much of my early journey, I sought to reestablish this stereoscopic vision. I tried to unite how others viewed me with my own self image. With each new person who came into my life, my self image was fleshed out as I gained more information, more data points, with which to add to my existing template. At the same time, the tears that had been clouding my vision began to clear, leaving me with an unobstructed view of myself. I began to shed some of the old me that no longer rang true or had been falsely labeled by him. I learned to create a three dimensional self image that, while accepting of external input, was ultimately created and held by me alone. I no longer depend upon another to bring depth to my life. I chose to carry my own binoculars rather then a monocle looking for a mate.

Taming the Monkey Mind: Shaving the Monkey

Posted on April 10, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

No, not literally! What do you take me for? Some kind of simian-obsessed stylist? But seriously, if you do decide to remove a little extra fur from a particularly hirsute monkey, I recommend you use a razor as opposed to a depilatory cream. Monkeys tend to fling things and Nair in the eye would probably sting.

In my case, “shaving the monkey” is alluding to the fact that meditation has helped me to clear away all of the excess “noise” from my mind. It is clearing away the fuzz, allowing me to really see what is underneath. It’s a bit like the KISS principle (Keep It Simple Stupid); I don’t get as distracted by all of the fluff.

Today was a great test of this newly shaved monkey. Today was a Major Monday (caps and alliteration required). I walked back into the classroom after spring break to find info-packed emails from administration, new schedules that required last minute lesson shuffling, panicked and angry emails from parents, and kids who have apparently forgotten everything just two days before state testing begins. Normally, all of this would have sent me into panic mode trying to meet everyone’s needs at once (while neglecting my own, of course). Instead, I was able to take a few deep breaths and recognize how much of the stuff was just excess monkey fur. I picked up my imaginary razor, shaved the extraneous pelt, and was left with a manageable amount to tackle.

I don’t always remember to shave the monkey at the beginning. In fact, just yesterday, I allowed myself to get overwhelmed. I was doing the laundry from the camping trip and cooking my lunches for the week (which meant I was managing 1 dish in the oven and 2 on the stovetop), the cat threw up, and my boyfriend wanted me to come in to look at the curtains he had just put up. It all became too much. Frazzled, I tore around the kitchen like a dervish, sprinkling pumpkin seeds on the roasting cauliflower, stirring the greens, and prepping the Tupperware. Suddenly, I stopped. What was I doing? This wasn’t an ER; the sweet potatoes would not suffer a cardiac arrest if they sat in their boiling bath a minute too long. I took a few deep breaths, relaxed, and realized how doable my tasks really were.

I am frequently guilty of making things harder than they really are. When I was finishing up my workout today (the ultimate in shaved-monkey simplicity: squats, deadlifts, straight legged deadlifts), I saw a lady doing assisted pull-ups. While wearing a weighted vest. I chuckled to myself, thinking, “How silly!” But then, I realized, I often do the same in other areas; I make something harder than it needs to be and then I require assistance of some sort. Why not just strip it down to the basics to begin with?

I am going to try to keep up with shaving my monkey mind, keeping it clear of all the clutter. I might even get a bit fancy and style it with a mohawk:)