Playing House

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve been playing house lately. The hunt for a home has continued and we are currently in negotiations on another house. Chances are, we won’t get it because we are willing to walk instead of paying more than the comps suggest.

That doesn’t stop us from playing house, however. We’ve talked through how each space would be utilized. We’ve computer shopped (the new version of window shopping:) ) for new furniture. The desired updates are planned and priced. We’ve even discussed the feasibility of having a get together there during our wedding celebrations.

When I picture life in that space, it is a romanticized version of daily living. As though somehow the toilets in the house would be self-cleaning and the floor would somehow repel wayward socks. There are some very tangible benefits to this home as compared to our current rental: usable outdoor space, a working stove, screens on the windows and no moisture problems. Yes, those factors can lead to a slight improvement in quality of life. For a time. And then, like any material object, we will become used to them and their influence will no longer be as appreciated.

But our minds have trouble accepting that. We fall prey to the “life is greener” fallacy, expecting things to somehow improve after some benchmark. I have been guilty of that bias time and time again.

“It will be better when I am done with my master’s and have more time and money.”

“Once the divorce is final, I will be free of him and all the mess.”

“Once I have a home, I will be more peaceful.”

Those expectations always fall short. After my master’s, the raise didn’t seem to buy any more and the extra time was easily filled with other (pointless) things. The legal divorce only marked the beginning of my healing and I am still dealing with the mess. Once I have a home, my life will not be automatically more peaceful just because there are screens on my windows (but I will have fewer moths in the house!).

Some people play house by envisioning a better life after marriage. Or kids. Or an empty nest. Or a new job. Or a new pants size. Or new shoes.

The list is endless.

The possibilities tantalizing.

The reality, often humbling.

It’s hard not to play house, to envision an idealistic future. There are ways to use this tendency that can help you be happier.

– Use your house playing daydreams and visions to help identify areas in your life where you are feeling unfulfilled or that need change. And then do something about it now. For example, I can tell that I am feeling disconnected from the outdoors in my current house. I am making more of an effort to use the outdoor space I do have rather than wait for something better to take advantage of nature.

-When you find yourself engaged in future dreams, turn it around and think of what you have now in your life that you can be thankful for. Going along with the house theme, I was in a 10×12 room for a year in a city I didn’t love. Now? I have all the space I need and I love my current location.

-Research shows that experiences provide more long term happiness than things. When you are playing house, focus your thoughts on the experiences and the interactions with others. Work towards making those happen. I will be happier if I have lots of friends over to the new home than if I spend that same time trying to find the perfect couch.

-Rather than have vague ideas for how you want things to be different after your benchmark is reached, script tangible goals and hold yourself to them. Since I want more peace, I am going to make setting up a yoga/meditation spot with plenty of room and no view of my workstation a priority. I’ll post pictures to hold myself accountable:)

I just received word that the sellers are holding out for a better offer. The house hunt continues. If you hear of one with self-cleaning toilets and sock-repelling floors, please let me know.

Celebration

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Today marks four years since I received the text message that ended my marriage. I’m celebrating – not the end of the marriage but the life and love that I have found since. I used to mark July as a disaster, now I can see it as a beginning.

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Here There Be Tears

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As a kid, I was always fascinated with the portrayal of old maps. I loved the rather amorphous forms of the landmasses. I chuckled at the fanciful guesses about what might lie beyond. And I especially liked the tiny illustrations of dragons at the edges of the plot, warning adventurers of the dangers that can be found in the great unknown.

I’ve had my own dragons at the periphery of my life. Areas where I have dared not tread in case the monsters of memory are too real. Earlier this week, I braved the edges of my mapped life and I faced the unknown.

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Pretty scary, huh?

It turned out not to be too bad. There were tears but nothing I couldn’t handle.

I have been a dog lover from the get-go. I befriended my parent’s adopted stray as soon as I could feed him from my high chair. From then on, I never went more than a few months without at least one dog in my household. By the end of my marriage, we had three dogs: an elderly, opinionated pug, our “special child” Boston terrier and Glottis, a happy go lucky lab mix. When my ex left me and his life, he locked the three dogs in the basement with limited food and water. Since I was out of town, they had been alone for more than two days when he sent the text. I have a feeling the only reason he sent the message was out of guilt, knowing that the dogs would not survive until I was slated to return. Upon receiving the text, I was able to have a friend take care of the dogs until I could make in back. That same friend took care care of me, offering me a room in her home for the next year.

I knew right away that I could not keep the dogs. I was in no shape emotionally or financially to be able to care for them. I would be living in a guest room in a house with a premature and medically fragile baby. They needed new homes.

I was not strong enough to take on the daunting and devastating task of finding homes for the pets. A friend from work spearheaded the networking connections while my parents tried the shelters and rescue organizations. Over the next few weeks, new homes were found for all.

Within two days, I went from having three dogs to having none. I had to release the care of those innocent creatures who trusted me with their guardianship. I cried more in those two days than I had in the previous few weeks. I knew I was making the best decision for them but, damn, it was hard.

Glottis was the baby in the family. She was sweet and extremely good-natured. She had been impacted the most by the recent upheaval. She used to get so upset when I cried, staying by my side and whimpering along with my keening. A friend at work arranged Glottis’s new home at her parent’s farmhouse in rural Alabama. Glottis would have room to run and new siblings to play with. It was perfect.

On the day of the adoption, my mom and I drove Glottis to the visitor center on the state line, where the transfer was to occur. I cried the whole way while rubbing the thick fur around her neck and ears. I liked Glottis’s new mom right away. She recognized the dog’s sensitive and cautious nature and gave her the time and space she needed to become comfortable. As we sat around a picnic table, the leash was slowly transferred from my hand to her’s. It was done.

Over the years, I received pictures and reports of Glottis (now named Gabby:) ) and her adventures on the farm. I could tell she was thriving. They were able to give her a better life than I could have during that period. It was such a gift to not worry about her, to know that she was loved and cared for.

Throughout this time, I had a standing invitation to visit, but I was afraid of facing that part of my past.

Giving up the dogs was the most painful part of the whole experience. Tears still flow even today when I write or talk about it. Tears from the loss. Tears from the innocent beings caught in the middle. Tears that come from a feeling of failure in my inability to care for them. Tears of gratitude for the people who worked tirelessly to find them homes and for those who adopted them and loved them.

This summer, I finally felt ready.

I’m glad I did. It felt so good to be greeted by that crazy tail, wagging in a huge circle while those familiar ticklish puffs of air danced around my face and she sniffed and greeted me. I believe she remembered me. I received the usual cautious hello, but then her eyes widened and the enthusiasm overflowed. The memories of her came flooding back, opening windows into my former life which I had long since painted shut. It wasn’t painful. It wasn’t scary. It was bittersweet, heavy on the honey.

Glottis AKA Gabby with one of her new sisters
Glottis AKA Gabby with one of her new sisters

I felt such a bond with her. We had both been abandoned and were forced out of the life we knew. We both had families that took us in when we needed it most. We have both changed, losing some aspects of our old selves and adopting new passions. We both have found loving families and are surrounded by people who care about us. We are survivors.

I watched Glottis, content sitting  on the porch between her two moms. She was at peace. And so was I.

Yes, here there be tears. But they are tears flowing over smiles.

It’s time to redraw the map, replacing the dragons with good memories and wagging tails.

Related: R.I.P. All Terrain Pug

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7 Reasons to Date an Athlete

Posted on by stilllearning2b

After my divorce, I decided I was only going to date athletes. My decision had nothing to do with body fat percentages or max bench press (although those factors certainly don’t hurt!). Nor was this decision dependent upon the man in question being some sort of professional competitor. In fact, I define “athlete” as anyone who regularly and passionately engages in sports or physical activity.

So, why did I limit myself to dating athletes if I didn’t care about the size of a potential partner’s biceps or the scope of his bank account?

Grit
All you have to do is watch the face of a runner in his or her last mile of a marathon to understand that athletes have grit.

Read the rest on The Huffington Post

The Four Agreements in Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
four agreements in divorce

As a homework assignment for my recent girl’s weekend, I was asked to read The Four Agreements. I was fully willing, but somewhat skeptical, since as the only child of a counselor, I was raised on a steady diet of self-help. I think I overdosed.

After the first few pages, my skepticism was replaced with excitement and understanding. This was one book that made sense to me.

The premise is simple: four agreements that, if followed, will change your life. The book is short and the agreements are extremely simple but nowhere near easy. They are applicable to every area of life and manage to be general and still useful all at once. They are interconnected; one always leads to another.

As part of my own work with The Four Agreements, I am drilling down and applying them to various areas of life. I’ve already explored The Four Agreements in Marriage and The Four Agreements in Wellness. Those were easy applications. After all, those are areas where your intention is to be honest and want to be your best. Now, for the hard one – The Four Agreements in divorce. How can these covenants help you navigate such an awful time with more dignity and awareness? Can these promises actually hold true while in midst of a life disintegration? Can they help to provide support and focus intention in those darkest of days?

I think they can.

The dictionary lists “acceptance” as one of the synonyms of “agreements.” Perhaps that is a better approach when it comes to divorce. After all, you may not agree with the divorce, you most likely do not agree with your spouse or ex spouse and you certainly don’t agree with the courts. But you still have to accept it if you wish to find peace. So, bad grammar aside, here are the four acceptances of divorce:

Be Impeccable With Your Word

“I can be impeccable with my word. He/she is a #$%@! Did you hear the latest?”

I think we have all been there. Refraining from badmouthing your soon to be ex is a daunting task. He or she may appear to have morphed into some cartoon villain, fiendishly planning attacks while safe in his or her secluded lair. You feel justified in your verbal besieges; after all, you’re just responding to the volleys thrown at you.

But step back a moment. Where are your utterances really coming from? You’re hurt and speaking out to try to distance from the pain. You’re scared and trying to armor yourself with words. You’re angry and slinging insult-trimmed arrows. You’re sad and seeking comfort from others.

Are your words really about your ex? Or are they about you?

Is it more impeccable to say,

“I’m frightened. I haven’t been alone in a long time and I don’t know if I can do it. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be a good parent for the kids. I’m worried that I can’t be strong enough for them.”

or

“My ex is such a terrible parent. Every little things is a battle. I don’t even think he/she thinks about the kids, much less wants to be there for them.” ?

This acceptance was extremely difficult for me. I felt justified in my anger and outrage and I needed to express it. I felt like he had stolen my voice by refusing to talk, so I screamed instead. I poured pages of vitriol into my journal, I sent him scathing emails and I cursed him to others.

But on some level, I knew that, while purgative, those strategies were limiting. When I painted him as the villain, I cast myself as the victim. To release my bindings, I had to release him as well.

Do not expect perfection of yourself with the acceptance. You will be disappointed. Rather, keep it in mind and strive to express what you’re feeling underneath the chaos of the split. Try to avoid blaming, either yourself or your ex. Try to accept the entirety of your ex, from the person you loved to the one you no longer know. Speak to them both.

Related: The Blame Game

Don’t Take it Personally

I hadn’t read the book yet, but this little acceptance changed my life. When I embraced this message, I began to forgive and to release the anger. Before that point, I saw him as deliberately working to destroy me. On some level, I pictured him plotting in his basement office, stroking the soul patch on his chin,

“Let’s see… I’ve already maxed out this card. Hmmm…I know! I’ll use the one in her name so that she has to deal with it later. Okay, now that the financial ruin has been planned, what else can I do? Well, obviously, an affair would be upsetting. Now, where can I find a willing woman? Oh, and at some point, I’ll have to leave her – yeah, that will really destroy her! What would be the worst? In person? Phone call? Letter? Sticky note? Skywriting? I know! I’ll do it with a text message. She’ll never see that coming!”

Pretty crazy, huh? I was taking it personally. In reality, he was not thinking of my well-being any more than I considered his during the divorce. Once I realized that his decisions and actions were about him, not me, I could stop reacting defensively and start seeing more rationally. He was hurting too.

It is difficult in a divorce to not take things personally. After all, you two were a partnership, a team, and now your partner has been recast as your adversary. It’s a wake-up call to realize how individual we really are. You were married to each other, yet you each experienced the marriage through your own experiences and perceptions. We can have empathy for another yet we have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Our egos take a beating in divorce. They perceive any attack as directed and they try to fight back. Put down the gloves and accept that the ego is simply protesting, much like a child throwing a tantrum. Let it cry. Let it scream. And then wipe its tears.

Related: Pardon Me, Ego. I Need to Get Through

Don’t Make Assumptions

Divorce is a time of great unknowns. Our brains hate the unknown, those gaps in the narrative. They strive to fill in the missing pieces. The medium used? Assumptions.

We assume we know why our ex is acting a certain way. We assume we know how he or she will respond. We assume that their actions and words accurately reflect their beliefs (as though they are impeccable when we are not).

We respond to assumptions rather than reality, building an entire relationship based upon an ever-weakening foundation of expectations.

We reach conclusions before we listen. We anticipate before we observe. We expect instead of accept.

Assumptions are a surefire way of maintaining your suffering. You are all but guaranteed to be hurt and disappointed when you live off expectations. This is yet another way that we can keep ourselves in the no-responsibility victim role, as we can see our hopes dashed again and again.

A divorce begins with letting go of the assumption that your marriage would last forever. The pain of the divorce will continue as long as you hold on to your other expectations. There is peace in letting go.

Related: Quitting vs. Letting Go

Always Do Your Best

Be gentle with yourself. You have suffered a great loss.

Be patient with yourself. It takes time to heal.

Be loving with yourself. You are deserving.

Be kind to yourself. You are not your mistakes.

Be firm with yourself. Always strive to do better.

…and recognize that your ex is probably doing his or her best as well.

Accept.